The Mistress Ch. 03

Everybody took the CPA board exam in Oct that year, except Emman. Somebody told me that he was not able to review properly because of what happened to us. Why would it be my fault? He's got somebody else. Who moved on?

Just as what Peping predicted, I was among those who passed in Apr 1990.

1991

A year after, a day after my birthday, Apr 30, Imee, who sat with me behind Emman during our English class, phoned. She said that she's reviewing for the CPA Board Exam again because her test paper was among those that got burned that time. She greeted me for my birthday and after talking for a while, "Joy, you'd never guess who's with me at this very moment."

She passed the phone to...Emman...

"Happy birthday, Joy. I just passed the Board. How are you? I'm getting married on May 4."

That's just 4 days away. My world collapsed. A year had already passed and I still have not forgotten him. I crouched on the floor. Regardless of who he marries, he really had to get married early. Two years after grad. I didn't even go out with anybody else during that span of time.

"Are you asking for my permission?" I asked.

"Joy, give me a reason why I should not marry Lorna and I won't."

"So you really got serious with her then. How is she?" I queried.

"She's five months pregnant," he whispered.

I got up as quickly as I fell on the floor.

"Marry her. The baby needs a father."

"Joy, please understand me. She fooled me. I needed to accompany her to Tarlac in Nov 1990. She introduced me to her parents and other relatives as her husband. I was not able to back out. We really needed to marry civilly because of that upon our arrival back to Manila. We faked her parents' signatures that's why our civil marriage is a fake. Joy, I am still free. Have pity on me."

I hung up.

I couldn't understand myself why I suddenly felt a void inside me. There was emptiness. Why did he have to let me know that he's getting married? I went on dates with a professional basketball player, a law student (who ran for senate 19 years after), and a Philippine Military Academy graduate and when I became a flight attendant, pilots, pursers, stewards, and commercial models desired me, but no one could fill that emptiness, that void that Emman left inside of me. I longed for his cuddles, caresses, and hugs. I missed his romantic ways, his thoughtfulness, his songs, his actuations, and efforts. I knew Lorna is enjoying all that everyday of their married life. I guess no one could ever compare to the love that Emman made me feel. I would never find that out, as I didn't give myself a chance to be loved by others.

But I had to move on. I trusted somebody and we got married in 1994.

1996

Emman and I met by chance at Rustan's Cubao. He was with Lorna and two sons; I was with my then husband and my daughter. Emman and I just exchanged nods.

He called me a few weeks after. He got my phone number from our classmate. He wanted to meet for old time's sake. I agreed.

"Joy, would you be able to leave a space for me inside your heart? You're still here in mine."

"Emman, if we didn't work out before when we were still single, we're not going to work out now that we have our own families already. We're never meant to be."

I left without giving him a chance to say another word.

My family and I migrated to Canada (Winnipeg) in 2001.

2008

My marriage broke down in May.

Because of social media, I got re-connected with my elementary and university classmates who were Emman's classmates in high school. I found out that Emman and his family moved here in Canada (Mississauga) in 2006...of all places. One of them gave me his email address.

Dec 16 I sent a Christmas greeting to Emman.

Dec 18 Emman responded to my email with a Subject: The One That Got Away

It's a three-page narration of the author about his "what if", his "could have been," his "might have been." It's obvious that this was just forwarded to Emman and now he's sending it to me.

It went on to say (credit goes to the original writer):

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with, and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards didn't fall the right way.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone does not lie merely in the other person. It has to do with the matter of timing, being ready to settle down, and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want and you've become ready because time has truly arrived.

Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today? What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "WHAT IF?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

Joy, I can truly say that you're the one I shared something special with because you always meant something to me. You're the one I put on a pedestal and you're my "one that got away."

From the very start, we never had a problem. If there's a perfect relationship, it's ours. I could not blame you for your reasons why you left me twice before. Maybe my timing was not right because you're too immature when I came in your life.

I married Lorna because I thought I was ready. It's too late for me to realize that I should have just waited for you to be ready for me.

You never disappeared, Joy. You're always here with me. You could prove that when I asked you to stop me from marrying Lorna, to come back to me even when we have our families already.

When you refused me, I tried to accept that you're really gone and let our beautiful memories be something that would put a smile on my face until I'm old and gray.

My reply:

You know that I was not the one that got away. I wanted to concentrate on the review. The pressure that time was so much since I graduated Cum Laude. I thought you understood. Then you met Lorna. Need I say more?

Who was the one that got away?

But we can always be friends, right?

His reply:

Hey, I'm so sorry if I'd caused you pain then...I just realized grown - ups have many things unsettled in their past. It's either be done with it or face back and face it. I guess for me, I learned to live with it...although it has never been easy...specially now...I didn't know you are here...I learned to move on and continue life even though there's a part of me that was amiss...

I was so proud of you during our graduation. I didn't want to attend, but I had a change of mind so I could see your happiest moment. I didn't know the pressure on you was too much, and you did not even say goodbye. Had I known, I should have waited. Would you have taken me back then? But then I heard about your suitors - PMAer, guys who came from private schools . Looking back I could say that was the loneliest summer I had 'coz I lost you forever...

'hope this answers your question...

Yes, you're my special friend...

Our email exchanges continued on. We talked about our families, how we started here in Canada, our children's comings and goings, their achievements, our day to day activities.

2009

Apr 29 Emman called and greeted me for my birthday. It's really heartwarming to hear his voice again after 13 years.

Our email exchanges became sporadic, but our phone conversations were consistently made on Sundays for 4 hours between 8pm to 4am of the next day.

2011

Aug 28

My email:

I dreamt of you. It was during our review at CPAR. I bumped into you when I got out of our room. We just looked at each other, waiting for either of us to talk. I really wanted to ask you that time that if I asked you to come back, would you have come back? Then I woke up.

I always look at your Facebook account. I hope you have a solo picture so it's not Lorna's face that I get to memorize.

His reply:

You should have gone back to sleep and waited for my reply. You know very well what my response would be.

I also look at your Facebook account. You changed your profile photo. You're so sexy when you're a Flight Attendant.

Okay, I'll fix my album on Facebook just for you.

My reply:

No, I don't know what your response was going to be. I want you to say it now. I don't want to assume and then be embarrassed later. If your answer was what I am thinking, what would happen to Lorna? You're going out with her that time, right? You're just going to drop her just like that for me? I don't mind. You were mine first anyway.

I miss those days when I was still a Flight Attendant. I had a lot of flight crew admirers then, even those with families already. When we're in a hotel, they'd just knock on my door. It's good I did not give in to temptations.

His reply:

Okay, I'll confirm it when I see you. You had poor eyesight then. You had temporary blindness especially when you'd see me. Just kidding, Joy!

I heard those rumors about airline crews - so it's true...it's good that my special friend was faithful. I expected that from you, Joy - you're a good person inside & out. When you refused me twice, I admired you more...

Sep 11

My email:

Please don't get tired of me.

His reply:

Joy, we're friends. I'm always here for you, especially when you need someone to talk to.

I'll never get tired of you...

My reply:

I got demoted quickly. I was a special friend before, and now I am just a friend. What about tomorrow?

I saw a re-run of First Knight with Sean Connery, Julia Ormond, and Richard Gere. King Arthur caught Lady Guinevere and Lancelot in their final kiss and embracing tight.

What if it was me embracing you tight and I didn't want to let go?

Was there any grain of truth about what Peping said about you, that you loved me very much way back?

His reply:

Of course, you're my special friend. What about me to you?

We'll both let go, Joy. I'm sure we'll do the right thing...Whatever Peping had said before, you're the only one who could answer that...

It's really obvious that I was falling hard for Emman. I didn't want these feelings to thrive. It's obvious that whatever he felt for me in the past, just stayed there... in the past. I stopped replying to his emails and answering his phone calls. He started leaving me voice mails at work, pleading for me to talk to him or even reply to his emails. He left me voice mails with him singing Lady Antebellum's Just A Kiss and Need You Now.

Sep 28

His email:

My apologies, Joy... 'coz you're often in my thoughts & dreams. I miss you so much...

Maybe Peping was right, because however I wanted to fight it...you're still here... I think it's one of the sweetest things that ever happened to me, even if it's not a nice feeling with a "might have been", when you still care for someone after so many years and happy knowing all your wishes for that person come true, even though she can never be yours...

At least I have a special friend that you seldom find in your lifetime, with whom I can share even my inner most thoughts...

I'll send you something thru snail mail.

Just call me when you need someone to talk to...

Take care always.

I gave in...

My reply:

Sorry for ignoring you for a while...was scared I might fall again...I think I'm falling for you again...I miss you too every time, especially before I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning. I always wish to dream about you.

Are you really sending me a snail mail? I can't wait! I so miss that handwriting. I miss everything about you.

His reply:

Thank goodness...I thought you were mad at me. I'm sorry too, friend. Don't worry, I'm okay. I shouldn't have sent that "The One That Got Away" email... it just opened our past...

Please let's not fall in love again, Joy... please let's fight that feeling...it's really going to be hard to bear if you leave me again...

But no matter how we fought our feelings for each other, our Sunday phone conversations would always lead to that dream of mine when we bumped into each other at CPAR.

...while on the phone and using our imagination, we continued on with that dream...

Emman, would you come back to me?

Joy, you know what my response would be...

Since our review class was over that day...we went to Anito Motel in Sta Mesa...

We were kissing torridly the moment we opened the door to our room...

Emman: I am pinning you on the wall the moment that door closed...we're hugging tight...I'm kissing your lips...I'm sucking your tongue...just the two of us...we could do everything that we wanted to do to each other...we could be loud...not like when we were at your house where your family was around ...kissing your neck...licking your ears...biting your ear lobe...we're holding each other's faces while kissing ...caressing your hair...I'm taking off your shirt...your bra...I'm fondling and sucking your boobs... biting your nipples... caressing your boobs...my tongue is circling your nipples...

Me: I'm taking off your shirt... I'm caressing your stomach...your back...I'm inserting my hands inside your briefs... caressing your shaft... you're wet with pre-cum... massaging your balls...

Emman: I'm taking off my pants... my briefs...

Me: Take off my pants...my panties...

Emman: At last...finally, I'm going to be able to touch your cunt... caressing your clit...I love playing with your clit...you're so wet...finger fucking you...

Me: I'm masturbating you...we're kissing hard...

Emman: I lift you up and lean you on the wall...I'm penetrating you...I'm taking your virginity standing up... we're embracing tight and our eyes are closed...you're feeling my wholeness inside of you...you're so tight, Joy...we're hugging each other...I'm carrying you to bed...I'm on top of you...fucking you slowly...in and out...grinding you...still kissing...but this time, passionately...no rushing anymore...we're feeling each other ...caressing your boobs...sucking them gently... holding your hands above you while I'm licking your face...your ears...biting your ear lobe...licking your neck...your armpits...your boobs...sucking your nipples...

Me: Fuck me hard, Emman...fuck me long...we're moaning...

In actual, on the phone, we're really moaning...I was playing with my clit...I was really wet...I was fondling my boobs...I could hear Emman masturbating...moaning...we were both moaning...it was getting louder and louder...our breathing came faster and faster...and then we stopped...we both climaxed at the same time.

For no reason at all, I was teary eyed. I heard Emman sobbed.

Are you crying, Emman?

Joy, I hope it's you and not her...I hope you're my first experience and I was your first experience...I know you'd long for it...you'd miss it...and then when we're done school, we're going to get married. I'd work hard and I'd save and then we'd buy our dream house... and then we'd have babies...Joy, I hope you're the one with me now...

...we cried together.