The Mortcrater Party

The end

The story is over. Read on only if you want to listen to my personal ramblings.

Many of my stories have lessons within them, I deliberately slip them in. For example, in 'Grim Reality' I tried to advance the social standing of stay-at-home mums, a worthy cause that I am passionate about. In 'Onslaught' I tried to get you to spare a thought for emergency responders. This one is no different.

Although I have never personally gone through a messy divorce, I see them all around me. I've had enough guys crying on my shoulder to suspect the law is seriously flawed. Unfortunately women don't cry on my shoulder even though my wife leads me to believe that I am a sex object. I propose sex, she objects.

One case I am familiar with was an old school mate of mine. His wife screwed around on him, kicked him out of the house and brought her lover in to help raise his kids. Not happy with the 80% of their assets she was on track for, she was publically boasting that her lawyer was confident of getting 90%. I suppose sick of the humiliation meted out to him by the great legal system, my school mate took matters into his own hands. To my shame, I last saw his orphans at his funeral. I'll be the first to admit that his actions were completely abhorrent but there can't be any person on the planet, with a sense of justice, that can't feel a tiny piece of empathy for him as he pulled the trigger. I think it's time we reviewed the law, don't you?

THE MYSTERY OF THE HAIRY ARMPITS

The more perceptive of you may have noticed some rare passion from me in the paragraph covering the 'hairy armpit brigade'. I meant every word of it. Our elected representatives think they run the country. They don't and I will demonstrate. Australia has had no fault divorce for years. In 2006, politicians finally bowed to lobby groups and amended our 'Family Law Act'. The pressure was exerted by the non-primary caregivers (usually the father) who were being screwed over in divorces by the primary caregivers (usually the mother). The preamble to the amendment set the tone or intent of the document. The intent of the change was that once a mother and father split, there was an assumption under law that both parents would have shared care of the children, 50/50. Non-primary care givers did well for the next couple of years and shared care worked as it was designed. Since then case law and precedents have watered it down, so now 'shared care' means the junior parent getting their kids one weekend every two weeks. How did that happen? Studies were commissioned and completed showing, supposedly, that it wasn't healthy for the children to spend an equal time with both parents. If you want to find the hairy armpitted ones and their accomplices, in our society, then look at the ones who commissioned the studies, the ones that completed them and the children's services people that contributed.

Take the case of an employee of mine, Merv. Hard working, loyal and seems a decent sort. His wife cheated on him and threw him out of his and his daughter's house. He spent every penny he had on lawyers trying to see his daughter. His non-working wife got a free, 'legal aid' lawyer. With his last dollar Merv got the court to issue an order forcing his wife to deliver his daughter to him one weekend a fortnight. She didn't comply. He is currently saving to get the court order enforced.

Thanks Merv for lending me some of your rage for this story.

I have spent time in court twice. Once as a juror and once as a witness before you write me off as a hardened crim. Both times the judge was quietly dozing on the bench. I never spotted who was actually running the show but it couldn't have been the judge.

I see hairy armpits. I see them everywhere. Don't bother looking for them in parliament or congress. That's not where the power is. They hide in the backrooms of the court system where the real decisions are made, in the child support agencies and child services. Merv sent me a photo from the child services office waiting room once. It was of the reading material they had for people to read while waiting. He didn't see anything like a 'Wheels' magazine but the photo clearly showed one called, "Aquarian Woman' and a pamphlet called, 'How To Contact Your Chi'. Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case. Men and women can be equal. Let's not just swap male dominance for female dominance.

COWS WITH BALLS

Look around you ladies and gentlemen. It can't be just me that sees that the young males of today are getting more effeminate and the young females more aggressive. Look at the number of couples struggling to conceive the next generation of our species. Talk to your doctor who will confirm that the drop in the male sperm count, caused by plummeting Testosterone levels, is the cause.

In a drive to become competitive, some farmers are feeding all sorts of hormones to the animals we eat. It makes them grow faster. Could that be a contributing factor? Of course it fucking is. Of course the Farmers and Graziers Associations trot out reputable science to show no connection. You might recognise this science, the tobacco industry used it 20-30 years ago to deny a connection with lung cancer.

My wife drives for 20 minutes, once a week, to a butcher that guarantees hormone free meat. It is slightly more expensive than other places but that is a price we are both willing to pay. My 15 year old son is 6' 2" already and shaving once a day. He is the alpha male of his friendship group. All signs to this proud father that he has high testosterone. Find a butcher who is hormone free, you owe it to your children.

Tonight, why don't you ponder on these things? Turn off 'Big Brother' or 'Celebrity Chef' or whatever you normally watch that if not specifically designed to turn your brain to mush, certainly has that effect. Think about things. Talk about things. In an ideal world, act on things.

Thank you for your patience. Can someone help me put my soapbox away please?

The author.

Now lighten the fuck up.

A hypnotist was doing a show in the town hall. As usual, he was a little nervous before the show so went into the bar next door for a couple of muscle relaxants. Three local gents recognised him and poked fun at him, calling him a charlatan.

Defending himself he said he would prove he wasn't a charlatan by giving them free tickets to the show, on the proviso that they came up on stage when he asked for volunteers.

True to their word they did and he humiliated them as only hypnotists can. Near the end he said quietly to them. I'm going to snap my fingers in a moment and you will awake. For being such assholes, I am going to put a curse on you. The first thing your wife says to you tonight, you are going to do and you are going to do it literally.

Snap.

The same three guys, the same bar, the next day.

Joe is covered in splinters, bruises and brick dust. Mark asks him, "What happened to you?" "Fucked if I know. Got home last night and couldn't find my keys, so I started banging on the door. The wife poked her head out the window and said, 'that's right, knock the bloody house down'. So I did."

At this point Joe looks at Mark, blackened and singed. "What happened to you?" "Fucked if I know. Got home last night, lying in bed and lit up a smoke. The wife said, 'that's right, burn the bloody house down'. So I did."

At that point, John walks in looking fit and well but carrying a cardboard box with blood dripping from it. "What happened to you Mark and Joe chorus?" "Fucked if I know. I was lying in bed last night, feeling a bit randy, so I felt the wife up. She yelled, 'you can cut that out'. So I did, fucking ugly isn't it?"