The New Owners - 04 April

Saturday, April 01, 2000

"Are you awake, Marilyn"?

"Yes, Mrs Barnabas"

"Are you playing with yourself, Marilyn?"

"No, Mrs Barnabas"

"I want you to start. I am going to suck Mr Barnabas' cock and I want to think about poor girls who don't get any cock while I do it."

"Yes Mrs Barnabas"

That is how my day started. I didn't argue, I didn't even hesitate. I just answered her questions and then rolled over and started rubbing when I was told to, imagining her sucking his cock and how pathetic I must seem to them.

Then she asked if I was fingering my clit and I said no and she asked why and I told her. Just like that. I didn't think I would ever tell anybody that and I just said it. He said "well you have to touch it some time". That was the first time he ever said anything to me through the wall. I think he was really shocked. Strange, I don't even think about it. It feels gross so I don't do it. Simple.

I think they had stopped having sex by then. I had. It was like I was in a confessional. It was easier saying it to a wall. She asked me how I masturbated without a vibrator and I told her and he said "Oh fuck! That's so hot". I have no idea why he would think that was hot, but it made me feel good that he did. Like maybe one little thing about me is not a total freak.

She told me to come over so I put on my robe on went down my stairs and then up theirs wondering what horrible thing she was going to do, but telling myself I would try to do what ever she wanted. They were sitting in bed with the sheet over them but her huge boobs were bare. She just gave me Kendal and said "have fun". I was confused and as I started down the stairs I realized I was let down that it was just that. But I went home and they had sex and I used Kendal and listened to them and she told me to tell them when I was coming and I did!

I can't believe it, but I actually yelled out "I'm coming". And it felt SO good. I don't know why. I guess just to be sharing it with someone.

Afterward I felt so happy I asked if I could come over and make them pancakes. Then I cleaned their house and did their laundry – and mine too – and I felt just so very happy doing it and being useful. It's like if I can only just forget about how degrading it is I actually like doing it. I even enjoyed washing her underwear. Just the fact that she thinks she is doing something nice by letting me do it makes it special. Well, it's gross having to scrub the marks but I like that she makes me do it.

When I was finished with everything and dinner was on, she was in her chair reading a magazine and I knelt down where I do after tea and asked her if there would be anything else. She didn't answer for a long time which made me feel bad at first but then I felt very content to just kneel beside her and wait. It was nice.

Eventually she finished her article and started patting my head and said no that was all but she kept stroking my head and it just felt so good that I started crying and said "thank you". I am not even sure for what. For being nice to me and patting me? For being mean to me? For allowing me to do her house work? Maybe all those things. I don't know. I just know I felt very happy and very grateful to her for...

yeah, I guess for everything.

She asked me if I would like to go to the bathroom and I nodded, but she told me that I had already had my treat for the day this morning and it would be better if I just went home and used my wrist, so I did. And I felt grateful for that, too. It all felt so weird all day. Like this total peaceful feeling of drifting in warm water. It's like a piece of my brain has shut off and I can just be. Just do whatever she wants and not think.

Sunday, April 02, 2000

They didn't talk to me this morning but I could hear them. It is frustrating not having Kendal because I know I probably will not be able to come so I sort of don't even want to start, but listening to them makes me turned on.

I am going to go over to visit Mrs Baker and then to Mom and Dad's.

This isn't working. I need to get Kendal back. I felt horny when I got home thinking about yesterday so I thought I would use my wrist. I liked that Ryan Mr Barnabas said he thought it was hot. But then I started fantasizing and that always gets so sick. I don't like thinking those things. But when I get horny and can't come I can't help myself. I mean, that is why I have Kendal. Cause I almost always come and I don't have to think about those things.

I'm going to go down and tell her I want Kendal back.

Well that was humiliating. I told her I wanted Kendal back and she asked did I mean I wanted to use the washroom and I said No, I want to have my vibrator back and she said no. No, I was too irresponsible with it and obviously could not control my nympho needs and it was much better for me if he stayed with her so she can help me control myself so I did not keep them up at all hours and go around fucking myself on other people's beds.

I just wanted to die. She said "stay here" and went upstairs and came back with him and then said if I wanted to I could use the bathroom and took me by the arm and led me over to it and held him out. I felt so bad. Like a bad child being punished. I kept thinking "Just take him and leave" but I couldn't. Finally she said "well?" and I just grabbed him and went in and locked the door and did it. I knew she was standing right there, but I did it anyway, just to show her. I don't even know what I was trying to show her. Maybe that I was strong enough to take it. It didn't feel good at first but I started pinching my nipple and the more I made it hurt the more sense everything else made and I came. After I cleaned him I opened the door and she was still standing there, her hands on her hips. She put out her hand and I hesitated, but then I just gave him back and left.

So much for feeling peaceful.

Monday, April 03, 2000

Yeah, whatever. Went over after work. Made her her stupid tea, rubbed her feet, went and masturbated in her stupid bathroom.

Tuesday, April 04, 2000

Oh, this is crazy. I have got to get out of here. I made plans yesterday to get together with Deanna on Friday night and I just remembered I forgot to let Mrs Barnabas know so I went down to tell her. And she said no! No reason. Just "no, not Friday. Maybe Saturday".

I just can't let her tell me when I can see my friends. Who the hell does she think she is? Well I am going to see my friend whenever I want and she can't stop me. G_d! She makes me so mad!!! I should go down there right now and tell her. No, I am just going to go on Friday and the hell with her.

What is really not fair is that she has ruined my evening I am so upset and she probably doesn't even care.

Wednesday, April 05, 2000

I didn't go over for tea tonight. I am still way too furious at her. And I am going out Friday night whether she likes it or not so tough bananas if she doesn't like it. I am a little worried about what she will do. But what can she do? She can't make me make her stupid tea and she can't make me come home after work Friday. I wish I had given my notice. I am going to next month. I can't live like this. She's coming

Oh my G_d! She came up and asked me if I did not want to have tea with her and I told her no because I was still mad at her for saying I can't go out with my friend. She didn't say anything for a moment and then she reached out petted the side of my head and then grabbed some hair and pulled it until I had to put my face right up to hers. Then she said she would be very disappointed in me if I went out Friday night and she knew I did not want to disappoint her. Then she pushed the back of my head down until my face was in her cleavage! She was pushing my head really hard and I could barely breathe and she said I should stay there until I realized I did not want to disappoint her, too. It was wonderful and horrible and my heart was pounding and it was like one of my fantasies except I could still breathe a little. I think I was shaking from excitement. Finally she asked me if I was going to disappoint her on Friday and I shook my head so she turned my head sideways and held it to her breasts and petted me and told me I was a good girl.

I started crying, I mean really blubbering, and got her shirt all wet. It just felt so good that I had made her happy and I realized I felt that nothing is more important than not disappointing her. It is so weird how quickly I can go from feeling one thing to feeling the exact opposite. It is like a switch flipped in my head and suddenly everything made sense. I mean, it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make any sense at all. But it feels as if it does and somehow that seems more important. Oh, I don't know. It is like it makes more sense to be mad at her and to want to go out with Dee whenever I want than it does to feel so grateful that she says I am good and pats my head but won't let me go out. But I just know I feel happier now than I have since last night.

She took me down stairs and I made her tea and it just felt very right.

G_d, I almost feel like I am falling in love with her. I hope not. It sounds like a really bad idea.

Thursday, April 06, 2000

Deanna is busy Saturday so we will try for next week sometime. It is stupid that I should feel bad for not being available the one night she is. We are always planning around her busy schedule so she will just have to plan around mine now. Or Mrs Barnabas'. I just don't know what excuses I am going to give. I can hardly tell her I can't go out on such and such night because my landlady won't give me permission. Hah hah.

Friday, April 07, 2000

Greg asked me if I want to go to see American Beauty with him! I guess I said I should see it again and it is playing next Friday. Is this like a date? I don't think so. I think he just wants to go to the movie. But still, it is almost like a date! The only thing I am really worried about is that Mrs Barnabas won't let me go. That would just be so unfair. I mean, this is the first time a guy has asked me out since Kendal so she can't make me miss it. Maybe if I tell her how important it is to me. Oh, here she comes.

I can go! She was very happy for me and said it was very exciting and helped me pick out what to wear. Then I made her tea and told her all about him while I did her feet. I don't know how many times I thanked her for letting me go, but after that whole thing about Deanna I am just so grateful that when I really needed something she let me have it. Oh yeah, I have to give up Kendal for the whole week, and have to be home by 1:00, but I don't care about that.

Very exciti-ated!

Saturday, April 08, 2000

Sunday, April 09, 2000

Got up early yesterday so I could have coffee made for them when they were finished having sex.

When I was doing the laundry I smelled her bra and it smelled just like her boobs. I thought about taking one so I could smell it later but that would have been very wrong so I didn't. I have been thinking a lot about when she had my face in her cleavage. Especially when I am grinding my wrist. That was like a dream come true for me. Last night I was thinking about it and I thought of some totally sick things, but it wasn't enough. But that's okay.

Anyway, when I was finished with everything she said I could go to the bathroom.

"with Kendal?" I asked, confused.

No, but she said I could at least use my wrist and show her "what a horny little girl I am". That was great! I sat on the tub and rubbed it and pretended she was watching and that she made me take my clothes off and I showed her how horny and pathetic I am. I even pretended that she made me get in the tub and she peed all over me. It is so disgusting. I guess I love it when I feel disgusted with myself. When I came out she forced me to smell my arm and asked me if I am a horny slut and I told her yes. I was so horny right then I might have agreed to anything.

I served her dinner and stood talking to her while she ate it and then ate mine in the kitchen.

Writing all this stuff always gets me horny. It's like things are even hotter when I am writing about them then when they happen. Well, maybe not hotter, but just as hot but in a different way. I don't think I could be doing all this if I was not writing it all down. Somehow it makes it all make sense. If Margaret only knew what she started when she made me start keeping a diary. Bet these aren't the thoughts she thought I was going to write! I decided a long time ago, though, that when I fill this book up I am going to have to destroy it. I will use the paper shredder at work. G_d, I would just die if anybody ever read it. But until then, it feels so good to write all this stuff down. It is like telling someone without anyone knowing.

I am going to start writing the things I fantasize about. Writing about what I pretended this afternoon felt really good. I mean, I have been thinking about stuff like that forever so I might as well admit it to myself and it is true what I said about it feeling like I am telling someone. Maybe this is why Catholics go to confession.

Monday, April 10, 2000

G_d, I am so horny. She let me use my wrist in the bathroom again, so I actually got into the tub so I could pretend better.

Told Greg I could go on Friday. I am trying not to get too excited. I mean, we are just going to a movie, right. We talked some more about what he likes about the movie so at least I know what I should be looking for.

Maybe he's gay so it is okay for him to go to a movie with me.

While I was eating dinner, she phoned and told me she was going to go use Kendal and just wanted me to know. My first reaction was anger, but I made myself change to gratitude instead. I don't like being angry and feeling gratitude seems to make me feel happy so I am going to try to do that more. I decided I should feel grateful that she was getting pleasure from my vibrator even if I can't – am not allowed to – and also that she called to tell me. I know she did it to be mean but I also know that I like it when she is a little mean. That may be pathetic, but it is true and I think I will be much happier if I just admit it to myself and am grateful that she understands me.

I went in the bedroom to listen.

Tuesday, April 11, 2000

When I was going to her bathroom for my treat today she told me she left me a present under the sink. It was a stack of dirty magazines. She says they are Mr Barnabas' from when he was a kid. Penthouse, mostly. Part of me did not want to look at them, but I did anyway. She wanted me to. I think so that I would be embarrassed. So I rubbed myself while looking at them so she could make fun of me after.

You are such a liar, Marilyn. I did it for that, but also because it just felt so dirty to be looking a dirty magazines of naked women and looking at their beautiful bodies and hating my own.

Okay, and I liked the pictures with their legs spread wide because it looks so gross and I could imagine being forced to kiss them.

G_d, I am a lesbian. That is so gross.

Afterward she asked me if I liked my present and I told her yes. It made me feel so dirty and stupid to admit it. I hope she makes me feel even dirtier now that she knows I like it.

I just used the pirates fantasy. I have not had that one probably since I was a teenager. I am captured by modern-day pirates and they keep all the girls they capture as whores.

Wednesday, April 12, 2000

She caught me looking up her skirt while she was feeding Alyssa. I didn't even know why I was doing it. Because I could and I knew it was wrong, maybe. I thought she was going to make a big deal about it but she just asked if I was a dirty girl who likes looking up ladies' skirts. It was so hard to tell her "yes", but I did. She made me say the whole thing to her and then she just went back to Alyssa and even opened her legs a bit more. I really liked that because it meant she knew I was looking.

I got to go look at the magazines again, too.

I don't really know if I am a lesbian, but I kinda like that I think she thinks I am. Why else would she give me girly magazines to look at? I think I like her thinking it more than I actually like looking at the girls.

Oh yeah, Deanna wanted to reschedule for this Friday but I got to tell her I have a date! She is totally excitiated for me. We are going to try to get together on Sunday for coffee.

Thursday, April 13, 2000

It's been aching down there all day. I have been so turned on and without Kendal I can't come so I just keep rubbing it. Knowing I can't come just makes me think about it all the time.

She kept her knees together today but I got a peek once when she moved.

When I was looking at the dirty magazines I found the hottest pictures. There were two women and one of them was making the other do things, holding her by the hair, licking the spiked heel of her boot. But there was this one where she had her hand on the back of her head and was pushing her face towards her hoo-hoo. It was like right out of my worst fantasy. It made me so turned on. I think I actually want Mrs Barnabas to do that to me. I know I would hate it, but I think about it all the time and I think I want her to do it to me anyway.

She just called me and made me listen to her using Kendal while she asked me things like if I liked looking up her skirt and looking at the naked women in the magazines. Then she asked me why and at first I didn't know what to say but then I told her it was because it made me feel like a loser. She asked which one made me feel like a loser, the panties or the magazine and I said both. She asked why and I told her the panties because it meant I was a pervert and the magazines because they had such sexy bodies that they make me feel totally inadequate. She told me I could hump my wrist but I already was. Then she asked me if I didn't also feel like a loser because I humped my wrist in other peoples' bathrooms looking at magazines of naked women like a horny adolescent boy. That totally turned me on and I told her, yes, that I have both the mind and the body of an adolescent boy and I am disgusting and I just kept humping my wrist and saying horrible things about myself until she started coming. Now I feel horrible, but it felt really good that I could help her come just by being honest about how I feel about myself. Why not, it makes me come too. Maybe I am feeling disgusted enough with myself that I can come on my wrist. I think I'll try.

Friday, April 14, 2000

My date went great! We went out for Thai food and talked about all kinds of stuff. I really did appreciate the movie more this time. I think I may have just not been in a good mood last time, but also having him explain what he saw in it helped. I don't usually analyze movies like he does but it all made sense when he explained it. Sometimes I think people just see a lot of meaning where there isn't any, but I think he is right about that movie.

He asked me if I wanted to get a coffee afterward so it actually felt like a real date, not just like he wanted to see the movie or like he was dying to get away from me as soon as it was over. I wish I could have gone, but it was already after midnight and Mrs Barnabas said I had to be home by 1:00. It felt stupid to have a curfew, but it felt kind of comforting, too, like I did not have to worry about what happened after the movie because she had already decided for me. I told him I would love to but I had a very early morning helping my neighbour. I hope he doesn't think I didn't want to.