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I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.
- COMMENTS
lordgillalmost 11 years agoi like the story and story line it is intresting and in most points well thought out but there are a few major inconsistentcies. like for example he he states he wants to to help people and not take advantage of them he even states that he will only take what people can aford to donate to his cause and not steal, but on 3 seperate occasions that i have spotted and im sure there are more he puts the women in to positions that can cost them not only there other relationships but but also their jobs or even in two cases ruin their reputations and maybe even jail time he went to a car dealer ship for a new mercedes and a high dollar store for clothes and basically just made the owner give him the stuff that just doesnt seem very benevelent to me. he takes the girl from the mall but what about her family, has she even contacted them to let them know she wasnt abducted or being held hostage or sold into white slavery. ( i should mention he would not have proceeded in that manner after having been abducted himself and held for 6 months. if he is magnanomous as he claims to be his experiences and what it did to his life and family wouldnt have allowed it especially since she did it because she was being controlled and not given a simple choice.) the typos are bad and i hope you've learned the value of editing. dont get me wrong i do like the story i just feel it was maybe released to soon. not to workout some of the finer points does the story a gross injustice.
C_frommnabout 11 years agoWas interesting. it will be interesting to read what happens next with Alexander and how he and Job get along . I got the Impression that their thinking could come between them. and the Council might have to intervene.
But it should be
Very Interesting!!
Anonymousover 11 years agoEnjoying the story and hope more is to come soon. Here are a few comments and suggestions:
1. Good you are widening the plot.
2. The women are anonymous. Try developing the characters of some of his women, create emotional connections, etc. Apparently he has some affection for his two companions, but that is not described in the story.
3. He has oral and vaginal sex with the girls. More variety in the sex acts would be an improvement, for example, tit-fucking, anal sex, etc.
4. Typos and other problems with the writing mar the story. You might want to consider finding someone to help with proofing and editing before you post more chapters.
Anonymousover 11 years agoI enjoyed this story. hope more to follow. He has learned about the gifts he has, but what gifts are he passing on to his kids. assume we'll have to wait and see until his 2 main girls give birth. Personally reading these last two chapters made me think of the plot of the movie Jumper and I kept thinking, when is the extermination squad going to come?! Specifically I noticed that he is still extremely vulnerable to observation by cameras...Personally Id like to see him break off from the cult he is being tempted to join. He was going around basically acting like a promiscuous Jesus, and now he is being recruited by a shadowy organization which controls the world...
Anonymousover 11 years agoVery good. Loved it. I'm interested to see what part three will be about. Will he go back to see his familyone more time? Will he share any of his wealth with them? What will his children be like? Why does Job seem reluctant to be his care taker?
