The Outsider Ch. 09

A very sick feeling swept over Mike. After 10 months, he finally had his answer why Lisa had been so infuriated at him...the real reason. With that desperate effort to get her out of Chicago, he was the one who had closed the final door on their relationship. It was true; he had gone through her personal files to collect the information he needed to fill out the application. However well-meaning his intentions might have been, he had violated her trust. No wonder...

----------

It was very late, but they were not yet ready to return to their dorm rooms. Neither Mike nor Ruthie wanted to say goodnight and leave his misstep with Lisa as the final topic of the evening's conversation. He suggested walking across the playing field that separated the classroom buildings from the dorms, the same field where Ruthie had stood the week before staring up at the stars and contemplating the futility of her life. They walked to the edge of campus to the fence and she noticed the gate was open. She suggested going through the entrance and checking the path that led away from the university to the Pacific Ocean. Mike acquiesced, but they didn't go too far because the area off-campus was pitch black.

Ruthie's mood shifted. She remembered her half-hearted attempt to come this way the previous week, with the goal of descending the hillside and jumping into the Pacific Ocean. She realized that she never would have made it, even had the gate been open, because it would have been too dark for her to follow the trail. She would have torn herself up a bit on the bushes before eventually giving up and returning to campus. What she had tried to do was really pathetic.

To avoid the unpleasant memory of her failed suicide plan, she thought about what else she wanted to say about Lisa, and finally came up with another question:

"I'm wondering something. Are you totally sure that it was Chicago that messed up things with Lisa? What would you have said had you come here to Davenport last year and the same thing happened? Then who would you have blamed?"

"I have no idea. I really never thought about it, 'cause I always figured it was because we left California that things between us changed."

"You wanna hear what I think?"

"Yeah. I'd be curious."

"I think that you and Lisa had a really great thing going in high school. You had a relationship that worked in a certain place and time. Then you graduated and left. It's kinda like an organism that evolves for a specific set of climatic conditions and maybe over-specializes. Then it migrates or the climate changes. The organism has to be able to evolve again, or it goes extinct. Your relationship with Lisa was kinda like that, 'cause it went extinct when the environment changed. You can't blame her and you can't really blame yourself, except for the part about the application."

Mike wasn't sure what else he could add to her insight. He had not planned for her to know all the details about his ex-girlfriend and how they had broken up. And yet, in a way he was grateful that he had been forced to reveal that part of his life, because she was able to give him some honest assessment of his own actions. He had always thought of himself as the victim in the relationship and that Lisa had treated him horribly. For the first time, he could see things from her perspective and was able to understand how his own actions and decisions hastened, but probably did not cause, the break-up.

Mike realized something else. If what Ruthie was saying was true, then Lisa was not destined to be the love of his life. The break-up was bound to happen, no matter what, because the circumstances in high school that drove them together vanished as soon as they crossed the stage and picked up their diplomas. If that were true, then what good would it have done had he not insisted on returning to California, had he never filled out that application, and had Lisa not fought with him over Christmas? The break-up would have been put off for a few months, but it still would have happened. Afterwards Mike would have spent the spring semester sulking around the dorm in Chicago, and every day he would have been confronted with the sight of his ex-girlfriend running up and down the halls. What actually happened was better: he stormed out of her life and she went back to Chicago and that was the end of her. It was a clean break, with no false hope of ever getting back together. In Chicago, he continuously would have seen her and wondered...

There was another issue in Mike's life that now was resolved. He had been struggling with what to tell Ruthie about Lisa. He ended up telling her everything that she wanted to know. That had not been his intention, but it had happened that way because he was trying to justify his actions by giving her details. His relationship with Lisa was more of a skeleton in his closet than he could have suspected, but now that Ruthie knew the entire story she could make her own judgment about his merits as a possible partner. As he put it: "Well, for whatever it's worth, you know all about Lisa."

They were quiet for a few more minutes. Mike was about to suggest they return to campus when Ruthie commented:

"If you ever do that to me, what you did to Lisa...you know...dig through my papers to find shit out about me...without asking...I'd never forgive you. Never."

"I know. It's not something I'd do to you."

"You gotta promise me."

"Ruthie, I'm not gonna 'promise'. Promises don't mean anything. People make them all the time. I'm simply telling you that I'm not gonna do it. You'll just have to take my word."

Ruthie was about to object, but then she remembered a quote from the New Testament about making promises.

"I guess...I guess you're right. 'I say to you, make no oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is the footstool of His feet, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. Nor shall you make an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let what you say be simply "Yes" or "No"; and anything other than this comes from evil.'"

Mike was surprised by the biblical quote, but he recognized it.

"Sermon on the Mount -- from the Book of Matthew, if I remember right."

"Yeah. Matthew 5:33-37. Most of what's in there is shit, but he did say a few things that made sense. So I'll take your word. I'm sure your word's more reliable than any promise would be."

With that, she realized that Mike had given her the most honest answer possible.

----------

They returned to her dorm. Upon arriving at the building they noticed that the light in Ruthie's room was on and there were what looked like several people in there. Ruthie was upset, but as usual she was afraid to confront Shannon and force her to chase out her guests. She knew what would happen; that she would be subjected to ridicule and insults from everyone present. She had the option of telling the RA, but if she did that, Shannon would harass her for days afterwards.

Mike offered to confront the guests on Ruthie's behalf, but she declined because that wouldn't work either. No doubt once everyone was out of the room Shannon would insult her for having a Parking Nazi handle her dirty work, because she was too big of a wimp to do it herself. Ruthie was in a no-win situation.

"Well, then the only other solution is for you to come over to my room and crash there."

Ruthie blushed and fidgeted. She was scared of accepting his offer, because she couldn't be sure of his intentions. However, she was dead tired, so much so that her dilemma with Shannon almost had her in tears.

"I wouldn't...I...I mean...you wouldn't mind?"

"Of course I wouldn't mind. Why would I?"

"I...I don't know...I...I'm just thinking...maybe I'd better not..."

"It'll be just to sleep...I'm not gonna push you on 'that'."

She nodded, and they were off to his dorm building. It was a very awkward feeling when she entered his room for the first time. Todd's bed and furniture were completely empty, but the trash can near his desk was full of yellow police tape. Ruthie set her backpack on Todd's desk, while Mike pulled out an extra set of sheets from his dresser. They made the bed.

"Do you have a toothbrush in your backpack?"

She shook her head.

"Do you want one?"

She nodded.

He gave her a new toothbrush and an open tube of toothpaste, and then pointed down the hallway to where the women's bathroom was on his floor. He found the largest t-shirt he had in his closet and put it on Todd's bed. Strange to think, if things went Mike's way, eventually they both would think of it as Ruthie's bed.

A few minutes later he heard a light knock on his door and let her back in. To avoid the uncomfortable situation of what to do about changing, he left the room to clean up, which would give her time to change. He vaguely hoped that she would get undressed and not bother to put on the shirt, so when he returned to the room he was disappointed to see her wearing it. She was sitting on the bed with a nervous expression on her face, but Mike knew that expression was not in anticipation of having sex. She simply was nervous because the situation was unusual and she did not yet completely trust him. They would do what they had said they were going to do: sleep. At 4:30 the next morning she would wake up and go to work and from there the two students would resume their ordinary routines. However, Mike knew that if he could win Ruthie's trust be being patient with her, there would be plenty more nights of her being with him. Her life with Shannon was unbearable, so he would offer her a refuge, both in his heart and in his room.

The two friends hugged each other goodnight. Ruthie got in Todd's old bed and promptly fell asleep. Mike stayed awake for a few minutes, listening to her breathing before falling asleep himself.

The next morning he woke up at 6:30. Ruthie was long gone, but when he glanced over at Todd's empty desk, he noticed that she had folded her sleeping shirt and put her toothbrush on top. Next to the shirt were two large geology textbooks and a couple of notebooks. She must have taken them out of her backpack before going to work. He understood what that meant, that she fully expected to return and already was starting to keep her things there.