The Outsider Ch. 19

On her final night in the Sinclairs' house, Ruthie woke up at 1:00 in the morning. She could not get back to sleep, so she decided to go for a swim in the pool. The air was very chilly and steam was rising up from the heated water, which would be perfect for hiding her body if anyone else came out. She took off her shorts and t-shirt and stepped in.

She had only been in the pool for a couple of minutes when Mr. Sinclair came outside, apparently with the same idea of having a mid-night swim. Before he had a chance to take off his bathrobe, she called out to warn him she was in the pool. He turned his back to her to give her the chance to get out, dry off, and get her clothes on. When she started shivering he handed her an extra towel, which she gratefully wrapped around her shoulders.

Although both had intended to swim alone, once they were together they were reluctant to say goodnight. Mr. Sinclair went to the pool house and returned with two blankets. They settled into lawn chairs and looked out over the steaming water into the darkness. Ruthie wished so much that her father could be like Mr. Sinclair, instead of being a stupid drunk biker.

She felt that she knew Mike's father well enough to entrust him with some details about Jake Burns. She talked about his irresponsible life, his bar-hopping and girlfriends, Debra, and her half-brother Jake Jr. He listened patiently until she ran out of things to say. There was a long pause; then Mr. Sinclair decided to change the subject.

"Ruthie...I'm gonna have to get up early to go to work, so I probably won't see you tomorrow...but before you and Mike head out, I want to tell you a couple of things. First of all...I like you a lot, and I think my son's very lucky to have you. I can tell you that his mood is totally different now than it was back in September. I was worried about him...because...I don't know if you know this...but his last girlfriend really did a job on him."

"I...kinda know about all that, Mr. Sinclair. But it wasn't all Lisa's fault. Some of it was, but Mike sorta messed things up too."

"He told you what happened?"

"Yes, Mr. Sinclair. He did."

"Well...I guess that's for the better. Anyhow, you know...Mike's gonna need you. You need to understand that. Things around here are gonna get a bit rough, and he's gonna need someone he can trust. I'd hope that person would be you."

"Mr. Sinclair...I...I'll do what I can...but just to let you know...I'm kinda messed up...I mean...I have a lot of my own issues..."

"I know you do. Your issues are the same ones I have. Why do you think we've been able to talk so much...you and me?"

Ruthie nodded, but did not know how to answer. Mr. Sinclair continued:

"It doesn't matter that you have issues. What matters is how you treat the people you love. All I'm asking is that you're there for Mike...that you love him...that'll get both of you through a lot of problems."

"Well, yes Mr. Sinclair...I do love him..." Inwardly Ruthie flinched, because...did she really love Mike? She was getting ever deeper into the relationship, without being able to define what she truly felt for him. It was certain that she did not love Mike in the same way he loved her...so what exactly did she feel for him?

Ruthie was more uncomfortable than ever, because she realized that had Mr. Sinclair been 20 years younger and not married, she easily would have picked him as a partner over Mike. She felt more connected with the older man than with anyone else in her life.

Finally they were ready to go back to sleep. Ruthie turned to look at her boyfriend's father one final time before entering the house. Their eyes met in the in the dim patio lighting. They didn't say anything more, but she noticed his sad expression. His words came back to her:

"Your issues are the same ones I have."

With that single glimpse of his face she understood what he meant. There was something about him that made her realize he was much closer to facing death and oblivion than most people. He fully understood his reality and accepted it. There was death in his voice, just as death always seemed to be so close to Ruthie. That must have been why they felt so close to each other; death connected them. Whether the topic was pterodactyls, or Indians, or Ruthie's grandmother, or Culiacan's drug traffickers, they could honestly talk about the ultimate reality of life.

So...he must have realized that she had contemplated suicide. He knew, because he was thinking about doing the exact same thing. They truly did understand each other. She badly wanted to hug him. She later would regret not having done so.