The Outsider Ch. 22

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During that first week that Sam was away, Ruthie noticed that Mike had changed. It was hard for her to define the transformation that had taken place in her boyfriend. It was subtle and yet for her very noticeable. In some ways he was slightly more relaxed, but in other ways his personality seemed to have hardened. It was almost as though he had gotten older. He was more willing to take the initiative during their time together, including what happened during their time together in bed. He seemed less interested in the political topics that had fascinated him since she had met him, and he even skipped the weekly meeting of the Davenport chapter of the Danubian Solidarity Committee. He seemed less bitter about his life and less resentful over what had happened to his parents. During the entire week she did not hear a single rant against Mega-Town Associates, nor any comments about the spoiled "beautiful crowd"; the elite students who drove around campus thinking the world owed them deference. The only thing she could guess was that perhaps Mike's father had found a solution to his problems, although her instincts told her that was not likely. It had to be something else.

She did observe something very strange whenever they went out; starting on the Friday night after Sam went on vacation. Mike took her to Santa Cruz for dinner, to a nice restaurant where the bill was $ 80. He was not bothered in the least by the cost. He surprised the waitress by handing her eight rolls of quarters. He left a roll of quarters on the table as a tip. When they stopped for gas, he handed over another three rolls of quarters. They stopped at a couple of used book stores, and he bought her several books with yet more quarters. She hugged him in gratitude, but was curious to know why he had so many quarters. He responded with a lie, claiming that he had saved all his coins when he was in high school and was now spending them.

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Ruthie was more conflicted than ever about her relationship with Mike. There was not a chance she would leave him, because he provided her with the only companionship she had in her life. He was always there for her: to take her out, to calm her down when she had an anxiety attack, to escort her around campus, and most importantly as someone to talk to. If she was away from him for too long, she felt lonely and unprotected, because she did not have anyone else to keep her company.

So...what was the problem? She had a hard time figuring that out. As she sat in Dr. Hartman's office, she tried to work out her feelings towards her boyfriend. She did not love him romantically. There was not a hint of sexual attraction. She had no idea what she wanted from him for the future; even the thought of any future at all made her cringe. Dr. Hartman speculated that Ruthie did love Mike, but in a platonic or family way, similar to the feelings she might have had for her cousins Gerardo and Rosa, only more intense. She wanted Mike as a big brother, not as a romantic partner.

Ruthie considered that suggestion. A big brother. She had never had a big brother; the closest to that was her cousin Gerardo.

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As her confidence in Dr. Hartman increased, Ruthie was able to talk more openly about her problems with Mike and sex. She told the counselor about the first time she tricked him into settling for a simple hand-job instead of allowing him to enter her:

"I kinda played a little trick on Mike...sort of a naughty one. We got cleaned up and I told him I'd give him a massage and got him worked up...but I had my usual thing about having sex with him, so I sat next to him and kept touching him...and got him to come...I knew that he wanted to have sex, but I managed to get out of it. I made sure I got it all before I stopped massaging him..."

Ruthie noticed that Dr. Hartman was smiling slightly. She continued:

"It was a disgusting mess all over his stomach... I kinda said 'oops', but I was giggling because it was what I wanted to do..."

"Oops, like you didn't mean to bring him?"

"Yes, Dr. Hartman...like...oh too bad...sort of...I mean, I don't feel bad about it because I did get him to come...it's just I got out of having sex. I'd like to do that more often. But looking at all that semen all over his stomach was kinda gross."

"You shouldn't worry about that. Most men aren't all that picky about how it happens. I'm sure he was just fine with it."

"He sort of is...worried about it, I mean...he likes to come inside me."

"Which is not your favorite activity..."

"No. So I got out of it. Yay!"

"And yet, he got to come... so it really was a win/win."

"I 'spose that's true Dr. Hartman, it's not like he was mad at me or anything. The only thing...was that seeing all that semen on him was a gross-out for me. He let me clean him up with a towel, which I was glad."

"That was nice...so he didn't want you to..."

"I couldn't have done that. At the very beginning of our sex I told him I can't do oral. I'm grossed out by the thought of a penis in my mouth."

"Well, does he accept that, or does he sometimes bring it up?"

"He accepts it. As I mentioned a while back, I told him that I have sensitivity problems in my vagina and he will have to understand it's something I can't help. If he were different, I know he would have left me over the sex issue, but that is not a central part of our relationship. We're both very lonely, and we're together out of companionship."

"Remember what I said a while ago. There are worse things to base a relationship on than a need for companionship."

"I realize something though. In some ways I'm with him like I am with my mom. With her it's religion. With him it's sex. I submit to doing things that are not in my nature to just get by."

"Once you graduate and find a job, you'll be able to be yourself more. Just hang in there!"

"That seems so far off, Dr. Hartman. So far...Anyhow...what am I gonna do with Mike? I can't marry him. I don't want kids. Right now the sex issue is something I deal with maybe twice a week...to have to do that every night? I couldn't."

The counselor nodded.

"I don't know, Dr. Hartman. He's already talking...like where would I like to live in the future, what kind of house would I like, that sort of thing. And he mentioned kids. I didn't say anything but the very thought of that makes me cringe. So I get nervous...I get these anxiety attacks. But the problem I have is that I'm real scared of being alone."