The Outsider Ch. 24

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The day promised to be pleasant, so they drove northward to San Gregorio beach. Ruthie was agitated, but soon the feeling of being naked in that attractive place and having the opportunity to walk around calmed her down. She and Mike even went into the ocean for a few minutes, in spite of the large waves and cold water temperature. They shivered when they got out, but then warmed up as the sun hit their bare bodies. It felt so good to be naked in the open air. Ruthie would not have this same pleasure in Nebraska. No, she couldn't give up the opportunity to go to the beach. Maybe the trips were no as frequent as she would like, but they were one of the small things in life that helped keep her somewhat sane.

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The following day classes started up again. The weather was very nice, so after lunch Ruthie decided to wear the green dress Mike had given her over Christmas. After she put it on, she looked at herself in the mirror, admiring her almost naked body. It was exciting to think she'd be outdoors, in the view of thousands of people, in just a minute. As she went out, many of the guys in the hallway couldn't take their eyes off her. The warmth of the sun hit her bare back and hips as the breeze flowed freely under the thin cloth. She could feel the open air against her bare bottom and pussy. It felt so good to be outdoors with so little on.

The only uncomfortable moment was in a seminar class that was taught by a TA who clearly did not approve of what Ruthie was wearing. She kept getting unpleasant looks from the woman and had to slip out quickly at the end of the hour before the TA had a chance to talk to her about her lack of clothing. OK...good thing to know...If Ruthie was going to attend class in either of her two skimpy dresses, it would be best to only go to the larger lecture classes and not to any seminars.

Later that afternoon there was a pleasant surprise for Ruthie, because the art class for which she was modeling would take advantage of the warming weather and move outside. The professor ordered his students to take their sketchpads to the grassy area behind the art building. Ruthie carried her dorm blanket and laid it on the grass. She kicked off her shoes and pulled her dress over her head. She totally enjoyed the thought of being naked in a public area of the university, in full sight of the sidewalk and both the art building and the back side of the library. People walked by and looked at her as they passed. This was totally great; a chance to play exhibitionist and be paid for it. As always, during the break Ruthie did not bother to put her dress back on. She simply wandered among the students, curious to see if the drawings done of her outdoors were any different from the ones done of her indoors.

The professor marveled at his model's brazen behavior, but by the middle of the semester he had gotten used to it. That was fine, because one topic he wanted to explore was photography and using photos to create drawings. He knew that Ruthie would have no problem being photographed by his students, but was curious to see how far he could push her. He instructed his class to bring cameras for the next session, preferably ones with traditional film, but digital cameras would be fine as well. He stated that if anyone had a camera capable of using black & white film that would really be great.

The next day, 40 students in two classes spent two hours photographing Ruthie in the area around the back of the art building. Ruthie assumed various artistic poses before following her professor's instructions to walk and run around the lawn. A lot of passersby had stopped to watch and some of them had taken out their cell phones to snap pictures. Ruthie loved those two hours, the feeling of showing herself to so many people and knowing that the photos taken of her would be circulating. The professor would have been nervous forcing any other model to be so publicly exposed, but it was obvious for this type of assignment Ruthie was perfect. He definitely would have to offer her more work over the summer and during the next school year.

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Dr. Hartman e-mailed Ruthie on the morning of her first appointment after Spring Break to remind her about the essay she had requested concerning her fantasies about Mrs. Peters. The counselor really did not know what to expect from her client: she would not have been surprised had Ruthie totally forgotten about the assignment. Well, Ruthie's lengthy e-mail proved that she definitely had not forgotten. During her lunch break Hartman stared transfixed at her computer screen as she read her client's narrative. She learned a lot about the student during that reading, among other things that Ruthie could express herself in her writing far better than she could express herself talking. Hartman was able to clearly visualize Ruthie's imaginary life as she read through the series. Yes, the fantasy really did have a hold on the girl.

When the student showed up in her office, Hartman was curious to know how Ruthie's crush on Mrs. Peters ended. Did her attention simply move elsewhere, or was there some event that disillusioned her? During the session she asked Ruthie that question:

"No, I never got over Mrs. Peters. What happened was the school year ended and she was only teaching freshman-level classes. I really wanted to get into another one of her classes, and I tried, but my school counselor said 'no, you're not taking a freshman-level class just because you want to be with your favorite teacher.' So, I didn't get into any of her classes and I didn't see much of her over the next year. Anyhow, I was doing all this reading at home...this was when I started getting into ancient history and Rome and Biblical times and was starting to realize how the Bible was put together."

"So you were able to forget about Mrs. Peters?"

"I didn't say that. No. I never forgot about her. I wanted to see her, but I knew I couldn't and I knew I couldn't talk to anybody about it. I mean...how could I have told anyone what I was feeling and what I wanted? Anyhow, something happened around Halloween of my sophomore year, that kinda upset me, I mean...I felt totally stupid...but it really affected me. There was this big school function...family day...and the students were supposed to bring their parents and the teachers were supposed to bring their husbands and kids...and here Mrs. Peters shows up with her husband and this kid that must have been about five or so. Yes, I know...her name was Mrs. Peters so she was gonna have a husband because of that, but...you know...I was having all these fantasies and I wasn't thinking about her husband...and then I saw him and realized that everything I was thinking about me and her was a bunch of shit. Here she was, walking around with this guy and this kid...and...I don't know how to say it...but it kinda...you know...affected me."

"Ruthie, you need to understand that you weren't in love with Mrs. Peters. You were in love with a fantasy that you created yourself. The only thing Mrs. Peters did was put a face on that fantasy. Have you ever thought about it like that?"

Hartman's words cut at Ruthie, because no, she had not thought about her love for Mrs. Peters like that. All that emotion and affection and lusting and daydreams...all of that was nothing but a fantasy that she herself had created? That she was not in love with the real Mrs. Peters? She would have rejected that idea, but it was true that Ruthie's fantasies with her teacher never included anything having to do with the woman's real life. While Ruthie spent her time daydreaming and masturbating, Mrs. Peters was taking care of her kid and probably cooking dinner for her husband. So all of it was all an illusion; the imaginary personality that Ruthie had assigned to her teacher. Nothing but a fantasy. It was hard for Ruthie to accept that she was in love with a figment of her imagination and not with a real person, but she knew Hartman was right. She couldn't have been in love with Mrs. Peters because the Mrs. Peters of her sexual fantasies existed only in her mind. The real Mrs. Peters was totally different.

Unfortunately, during Ruthie's sophomore year there was no one who could explain to Ruthie what was going on with her crush on her teacher. Ruthie was disappointed, but she couldn't articulate to herself why she was so disappointed. Now Hartman had helped her dig up that memory and offered her a good explanation. She went back to her feelings and her reaction:

"I dunno. When I saw her family, all I wanted to do was go home and...like...hit myself...or poison myself like those Roman women did if things weren't going well in their lives. I was thinking about God and what a sicko I was and how fucked up I was...I felt like total shit. I know it was stupid to feel that way, but it's how I felt."

"Wait a sec...let's back up. Was that the first time you thought about killing yourself? Because of that school event where your teacher showed up with her husband?"

"No...I was thinking about it before...kind of...but it was the first time I seriously wanted to do anything...I was totally depressed that I had been wrong about Mrs. Peters, but I never figured out how to do it right, kill myself, I mean. I wanted to try hemlock...you know like what that Greek philosopher Socrates did...that sounded like a really neat way to go...but I couldn't find the recipe. But I did start doing something else..."

The counselor waited for her client to continue, but Ruthie started fidgeting and stared at the floor. Finally Hartman got tired of waiting. She looked at the clock and saw that there were only a few minutes remaining in the session.

"Would you feel comfortable sharing it?"

Ruthie blushed furiously. "It was something really weird...that I did...really...I guess...it was kinda perverted..."

"I think 'perverted' is in the eye of the beholder, Ruthie. I've talked to a lot of people about a lot of things and I have seen a lot of things. Unless you're doing something that's hurting someone else, I don't think it's very easy to shock or offend me."

Ruthie became very agitated as she glanced at the clock. She badly wanted to tell Dr. Hartman her secret, but felt that she needed to tell the entire story from beginning to end. There wasn't enough time for that. Another urge hit her. OK, Dr. Hartman...you really want to know about me? You say nothing can shock you? Well, we'll see about that. She continued staring at the floor and fidgeted.

"Dr. Hartman...it's a long story...and I...I got some pictures...and...maybe you ought to see them...and then...I'll tell you...I can tell you...you know...what I did..."

"You want to show me some pictures? Ones that you took?"

Ruthie blushed and nodded.

"Alright then, we'll leave it for next time. The clock's not much of a friend to us, is it?"

Ruthie shook her head.

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