The Perfectly Imperfect Marriage Ch. 01

Prelude to The Perfectly Imperfect Marriage: Until Death Do We Part or Divorce.

A descriptive definition that contradicts itself, what is perfectly imperfect? We're all perfectly imperfect in one way or another, with some more and some less to some degree than others. No one and nothing is perfect. That's life and that's the problem with being human.

We all have just as many faults as we do attributes. Just as no one is completely happy or unhappy with themselves, no one is completely happy or unhappy with anyone else. Life is nothing more than what we may perceive as normal.

Then, again, just as what is imperfectly perfect, what is normal? Normal is conforming to a standard, something that is usual, typical, or expected. Is anyone normal? Just as everyone is imperfectly perfect, we can find comfort in the fact that no one is normal, not even us, especially not us.

Much like saying that we're normal, someone we love may tell us that we're perfectly imperfect. Even though we're not perfect or normal, no one is, we're not totally imperfect or totally abnormal either, again, no one is. Just as no one is absolutely perfect or absolutely imperfect, no one is absolutely normal or absolutely abnormal. Fortunately or unfortunately, we're all human. With most of us boringly imperfect and unexcitingly normal, some of us may be surprisingly perfect and excitingly abnormal.

When we're in love however, something extraordinary happens. Instead of concentrating on the negatives, as most of us usually do, as if we're hypnotized or cast under a witch's spell, we concentrate more on the positives. We more readily accept the flaws and the imperfections of the one we love just as he or she more readily accepts our flaws and imperfections too. Only, that acceptance of our flaws and imperfections works better when we're blinded by love than it does when confronted by a stranger or by someone we don't like or who doesn't like us.

As we grow closer in living life together, the excitement diminishes and is replaced by comfortableness of normalcy. Instead of being head-over-heels in love with someone, we're comfortable in the fact that we love one another enough to make time for and to move on to the other things that we need in our lives to be satisfied and happy. Yet, as the years pass and as our love erodes, much like an incoming tide destroying a magnificent sand castle, we may notice the flaws, the insecurities, and the imperfections more than we do the perfections.

As the years pass, instead of being blinded by love, we see our lovers through clearer eyes. Now weighing the good with the bad, we're no longer blinded by love just as we're no longer in love as we once were. Sad to say but that's life. It's up to us to decide what to do with that. Do we stay or do we go? Then, again with love moving to different levels, especially when having children, we may feel more love for our spouse than we ever have before.

Being that I don't personally know of any, I wonder if there are any perfect marriages or if they're they all doomed to be perfectly imperfect marriages with half of the marriages destined for divorce court. What may have started out being the perfect marriage, years later, it isn't so perfect now. With one marriage more perfect or imperfect than another, as if they're loaded dice and we're gambling the happiness or the unhappiness of our lives in a crap shoot, the odds are stacked against us in having a successful, loving marriage.

Those marriages that may have been perfect in the beginning quickly deteriorated as unresolved issues piled up, bills accumulated, problems were identified, and the years passed without improvement. Just as no one wants to fight and argue every day, no one wants to stay in a bad marriage. No one wants to be miserably unhappy with someone they no longer love. Now, no longer talking to one another, instead of love shining through their darkest clouds without the hope of any more rainbows, hate festers.

Again, other than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who are getting divorced again, Jay Z and Beyoncé who are considering divorce, and Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who are immature and crazy, being that I don't personally know of any, are there any perfect partners? Are there any perfect marriages?

Maybe President Obama and Michelle are the rare exceptions. They appear to be connected. They look happy. They seem to have a good marriage. Perhaps you and your mate are soulmates and are the perfectly imperfect exceptions. Yet, if you are so happy in your marriage, then why are you reading this story?

"Yeah. I thought so. You're no different from me after all. With all of us questioning what we have while looking for something and someone better, no one seems happy being tethered to this one or to that one."

### Debbie Dear Debbie ###

Without the threat of divorce looming over their heads, are there any fated soulmates, loves of our lives, and people who were meant to be together forever and until death do they part? Now that half of the ones we once loved are deemed bitches and bastards, what may have started out being married to the perfect partner isn't so perfect now. Sadly and frustratingly, those perfect partners in the beginning became not as perfect as the debts suffocated the fun out of being married and as the years passed without improvement to our finances or resolutions to our other problems.

Just as half of our marriages are doomed for divorce, are half of us doomed to be perfectly imperfect partners and kicked to the curb after being divorced? How can we go from being so perfect to being so unwanted and hated enough to be divorced and legally forced apart by divorce lawyers? Unless we find another perfectly imperfect partner to take their place, difficult to go from one person to another person, especially after years of being married, who can adjust to that? Just as it's not easy being married and being in a relationship, it's not easy being rejected, unwanted, and being alone with our bad selves.

More than you may think, whether for religion, for money, or just out of habit of being together and not wanting anything to change, there are those couples who don't believe in divorce. They'd rather remain in an unhappy marriage than to be free of it. As if they're meant to be unhappy, they'd rather suffer through a dying or dead marriage until the end. In the same fettered way that they feel about abortion, they believe it's a sin against God and the Church to divorce just as they believe it's a sin to terminate a pregnancy. They believe it's a waste of money to divorce when only the lawyers are ones financially benefitting by profiting from our legal court action of divorce.

A valid or invalid reason why people stay together, too much bother, and with them already cynical now with their eyes wide open, they dread looking for someone else to fall in love with and marry. Especially when there are children involved, in the way, and interfering, they can't imagine going through the motions of pretending to have a happy marriage with someone else. It's not easy changing horses in the middle of a race, especially when that horse sired children who look like him and/or who remind you of her. Dragging children along with you, as if it's not difficult enough to find love without children, it's more difficult with children demanding your care, your devotion, your love, and your time.

Just as songs have been written about love, songs have been written about the end of a relationship.

"I'm Moving on," by Rascal Flatts. "Since U Been Gone," by Kelly Clarkson. "When I Was Your Man," by Bruno Mars. "Burn," by Usher. "I Will Survive," by Gloria Gaynor. "Nothing Compares to You," by Sinead O'Connor. "Need You Now," by Lady Antebellum. "We Are Never Getting Back Together," by Taylor Swift. "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," by Paul Simon. "I'm Still Standing," by Elton John. "Wrecking Ball," by Miley Cyrus. "Someone Like You," by Adele. "You'll Think Of Me," by Keith Urban. "Baby Come Back," by Hall and Oates. "I Can't Make You Love Me," by Bonnie Raitt. "Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares," by Travis Tritt. "I Heard It Through the Grapevine," by Marvin Gaye. "You Give Love A Bad Name," by Bon Jovi.

With everything they say and do reminding them of their first marriage, as Neil Sedaka wrote in a song, breaking up is hard to do.

"I beg of you don't say goodbye, can't we give our love another try? Come on, baby, let's start anew cause breaking up is hard to do."

### Debbie Dear Debbie ###

At the expense of remaining married in a hateful, vengeful, and broken marriage, too many suffer through their marriages while ruining the lives of everyone around them, their children, their relatives, and their friends. Isn't anyone happy being married to the person they vowed to love and cherish for the rest of their lives? How can so many people make such a horrible mistake? Or over time have we all changed so much that we're no longer the same person we once were and have grown apart? Maybe who we thought we were marrying when we were blinded by love was not that person or was never that person now that we can see them more clearly.

Being that no one seemingly has a perfect marriage and/or a perfect partner, are we all doomed to live perfectly imperfect lives? Are we all doomed for divorce, wanting to be divorced, wishing we were divorced, or thinking about divorce? Seemingly we all up one day and all down the next day with one day of our lives good and the next day our lives bad.

Nothing more than human nature and much like the weather, rolling with the punches, those who can't take the good with the bad get divorced and those who can take the good with the bad stay married. Perhaps our dissatisfaction is a curse of being human. With us all having our faults and our flaws, we're not the robotically, computerized versions of how we may so perfectly envision ourselves as being.

Fifty-percent of all married couples will divorce rather than to stay married. Yet, since I can't speak for everyone or for anyone, I can only speak for myself and based on what I know from my own experiences, I have a question. Tell me and be honest. Don't hold anything back. I want to know. I need to know. I must know. Having been around the block a few hundred times, and being that the truth will set me free, trust me, I can take the truth.

Other than those happy, married couples that we sometimes see on television, is anyone happy being married to one person for the rest of their lives? Can anyone be monogamous without having wandering eyes, salacious thoughts, wanton urges, forbidden desires, and sexual lusts about another woman or another man? If we're thinking, wondering, lusting, and dreaming about another, isn't that paramount to cheating? If we're consumed with the thoughts of someone else while playing being happily married, perhaps we're better off cheating to get those forbidden thoughts out of heads and for us to realize that the other person wasn't so great after all.

Can anyone be happy being married to one person without wondering what it would be like to be married to this one or to that one? President John F. Kennedy, married to a rare beauty, Jacqueline, cheated on her with dozens of women, including Marilyn Monroe, Angie Dickinson, Blaze Starr, Gene Tierney, and at least a half dozen others. How could he do that to her, to his marriage, to his children, and to America? When he had the world at his fingertips, why would he do that? Maybe that's the answer why he cheated...because he could.

Even President Jimmy Carter, seemingly happily married to Rosalynn, secretly lusted over the nude women in Playboy magazines. We all know about President Clinton denying and lying about his cheating ways. Our current President, Donald Trump, with him married to three beautiful women, with each woman more beautiful than the next, having had sex with, groping, and sexually assaulting a multitude of other women, seemingly is never happy with any one woman. Without being resentfully angry and sexually frustrated, forever feeling as if we made a tragic mistake, can we remain happily married until death do we part? Or do our eyes wander every time we go shopping at the mall?

### Debbie Dear Debbie ###

Maybe the solution to having the perfect marriage is not to get married in the first place but to have a significant other relationship where one or the other is free to leave at any time in the relationship. Maybe the solution to having the perfect marriage is to have an open marriage and to have more than one soulmate and/or sexual partner at a time. Maybe the solution to having the perfect marriage is to routinely change partners, husbands and wives, every five years or ten years. Maybe the solution to having the prefect marriage is to not have children.

"I don't know. What do you think? Being that we all know that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage or a perfect partner, what's your idea of a perfectly imperfect marriage or the perfectly imperfect partner?"

When happily married, marriage is forever or it should be forever, until death do we part, as we vowed to accept our fate before God, our friends, and our relatives. Whether for love, for money, for convenience, or for whatever other reason we may deem important enough to marry someone, the real question behind having a happy marriage is in finding the right partner. Marriage may be an institution but the right partner makes the marriage better just as the wrong partner ruins the marriage. No one wants to wake up in bed next to someone and wonder why in the Hell they married him or her.

The answer to being happily married is in finding that one, special someone who we promise to love and cherish until the end of our days. Except, just as we change over the years, the one we're married to changes too. He or she may no longer be that person we thought he or she was when we married him or her. Just as we may no longer love him or her, he or she may no longer love us. Now what do we do? Back to square one, not that easy, especially with all the baggage we have now, and now with our eyes wide open, how do we find another perfectly imperfect person?

With most of us limited in our searches to our small circle of family, friends, classmates, and co-workers, a very small sample of the population indeed, how do we ever expect to realistically find the perfect partner? How do we find out perfect match when we're working all day, every day? There are only so many hours in a day to devote to searching for our love match. Moreover, now that we have given the best years of our lives to the wrong person, now that we're old, fat, tired, unhealthy, and/or angry, who would want us? Who would love us when we don't even love ourselves?

### Debbie Dear Debbie ###

The Internet and dating sites have made it somewhat easier to find our perfect match. Unfortunately, the amount of information to read and plow through can be daunting and exhaustingly overwhelming. Moreover, those biographies that we read online may not be true and/or even be an accurate representation of the person.

Chances are with no one honest and with no one living up to their expectations, the person we meet in person may not be the one that we read about on paper and/or online. Besides, unless we have an unlimited traveling budget, our matches made in Heaven may live thousands of miles away. Yet, until we meet one another in person, who is to know if he or she is the one person that God made just for us, and especially for you?

Unfortunately, for one reason or another, whether for the lack of compatibility, the lack of sex, and/or the lack of money, matches made in Hell rather than in Heaven, sadly and sorry to report, most marriages are unhappy marriages. How can what started so happily at the end of the wedding reception and the start of the Honeymoon abruptly end so badly? Unfortunately, unhappy marriages that result in divorce are travesties that can be attributed to unrealistic expectations, naivete, hormones, neither willing to compromise, and to us not giving lifelong matrimony enough thought before saying, "I do."

Sometimes we have no one to blame but ourselves because if we don't love ourselves, we cannot love another. Believing that this one person is what is missing from our miserable lives, and what we need to make us happy, most of us marry with impossible expectations. No one can live up to the person we see when our eyes are so out of focus and blinded by love. Our minds are brainwashed and our hearts are filled with overwhelming love and emotion enough so that we'd do anything for them, even believe that they are who they're not.

With most of us marrying too young and not knowing what we want and expect from a partner, most of us haven't lived enough life before we marry to even come close to choosing the right partner. When in that frame of mind, with emotions controlling our commonsense, blinded by a sporty convertible over a boring minivan, most of us couldn't pick the right car never mind the right, life partner. Much like choosing the convertible over the minivan, too many of us marry by what the person looks like on the outside rather than who they are on the inside.

Too many of us marry for money rather than for love. Nearly every man wants to marry a beautiful blonde with big tits and a great ass, a gorgeous redhead with big tits and a great ass, or a captivating brunette with big tits and a great ass. Nearly every woman wants to marry a kind, good, caring, thoughtful, sensitive, and loving man, albeit a man with a big bank account, no matter what he looks like. If he has a big dick and a willing tongue and knows how best to use both, that's even better.

### Debbie Dear Debbie ###

We're too young and too immature to know who we want and what we expect from a partner and from life to marry when in our twenties. Before we marry, we all should take a big breath of reality and take a longer look around us than at the boy or at the girl next door. It's a big world with millions of fascinating people. Before we marry, we should travel and see the world first before committing the rest of our lives to one person, just one person, and having children.

Especially when we're committing ourselves for all our days, perhaps even all eternity to one select person, we all should think longer and harder about our choices and who we want in our lives. At the very least we should take an inventory of who we are and what we truly want by making a list of what we want and don't want in a partner. If only for the sake of having sex, having some premarital fun, and for the sexual experience, we all should have sex with others before we marry. Just as I dare say that virgins should never marry, I dare say that we all should wait to marry until we're in our late twenties, thirties, or even in our forties.

Yet, different for a woman than it is for a man, the older she gets the louder her childbearing clock ticks. Especially if she's a woman who'd like to have a big family, the earlier she pushes out babies the better. Yet, with all those demanding kids in the way, when do mother and father get a chance to reconnect and express their love for one another in private? Suddenly, that young, sexy, hot blonde at the office looks good in her short skirt just as that handsome UPS driver looks hot in his uniform.

Other than the obvious of having extramarital affairs, there are lots of reasons why marriages fail. As much as having too little money, having too many children may be one of the reasons why couples divorce. With one commandment conflicting with the other, even the Catholic Church wants their say in good Catholics not using birth control on one hand and not getting divorced on the other hand.

Yet, unable to please everyone, with most times unable to please anyone, if we throw religion in the mix of our marriage too, we're doomed before we even have a chance to start. Just as Church and state must remain separate, once we're married, the Church shouldn't adversely interfere with our marriage by forcing us to adhere to out-of-date rules and Canon laws made my elderly, unmarried, Caucasian men. What in the Hell do these men know about marriage when they've never been married? What in the Hell do these men know about life's problems, especially monetary problems, when the church takes care of their every want, need, and desire?