The Piss Test

I've had lots of jobs in my time, paintin, diggin, pickin, scrubbin and the like, and even a good job or two where I just made sure everybody else worked. Easy come, easy go, that's how it is. This here lately's one of them go times, where you just ain't got nothing ta do, and any job's a good job.

It was lucky then that a buddy of mine put me on job up in hills of eastern Tennessee, said the pay was real regular and sometimes you got out early on Fridays. Hell, early Fridays always sounds good. Told him I'd consider it and, natrally, a couple days later I was knockin on his door.

Turns out not a whole lot to consider really, work's work.

'Gotta get you one of them urine tests,' he says, and he says urine likes it unnatural, cause we just say piss most of the time, 'part of contractin for the State. Fill out this paperwork and I'll run ya out there in the mornin, you can piss test, and then we'll git ya some work.'

Next mornin we're driving to some shitty little town so I can leak into a jar. My says to me, 'I'm goin drop you off and head to 7-11, back in a while.'

'Aight.'

Now, this is where the story starts to get interestin. He drops me off and gooses his old pickup, throwing gravel and shit everywhere. I turned round an walked into this shack, a fuckin shack right, not another buildin in sight. There's an old Mustang parked out front, mid 80s model with a big ass dent in the front fender. I'm figuring some worthless old fucks gonna be sittin behind a desk, reading an old magazine or something, probly ready to start poppin off bout big govement or tea parties or whatever.

I was dead wrong.

Instead the place inside was pretty decent, picked up and clean. The left corner of the shack had a door to what had ta be the pisser. On the right was a desk and behind it sat the youngest, prettiest little thing I done seen in quite a while. Now understand, I'm on the far side of 40, I consider myself seasoned, and any gal under the age of 25 with a big rack and pretty face I consider young and pretty, and this one behind the desk fit on both counts. She was wearin some kind of button up shirt and slacks, tryin to be professional I guess cept it looked like clothes you'd buy at Wal-Mart. To her credit she left a couple shirt buttons undone, enough to get your attention but not so much you'd think she was a slut.

It's kind of a fine line, most times these girls just hit slut mode an roll with it.

Anyway.

'Mornin,' I says, smilin a little bit and tucking my flannel shirt into my Wranglers. She looked up and worked her mouth, tryin to talk.

'H-H, h-Hello,' she finally said, when she got her throat to work.

'I'm here for the piss test.' She blushed a little when I said piss, like it was a dirty word or something. 'Beggin your pardon.'

She didn't say nothin, just turned around and reached down to the floor for a little plastic cup and some papers.

'Reckon that's your boyfriend, ain't it?' I was pointin at a picture on her desk.

'Yes sir, he is.'

'Good lookin boy.'

She evidently dittin wanna talk about nothin much but this piss test cause she was kinda short with me, not a word about the boyfriend or the picture but she just started right in on the particulars. Not that he was a boy, strictly speakin, I'm sure he was 20 years old, but that's half my age and in my book, that's a boy, but anyways she didn't give a shit about any of that, she just wanted to do her job.

'Sir, w-what the state requires is-is an observed c-catch urinalysis sample. That's what I d-d-do, for the Company. I oversee the s-s-sample collection program, to ensure the integrity of the p-p-p-process is not c-c-compromised in any way.' She's stutterin a little as she says it, like the words are new to her. I looked down and she's readin from a laminated paper, it's a scripted deal.

'Somebody's gonna watch me piss then,' I says to her.

She looks up from her little cheat sheet, don't smile or nod her head or nothin, just sits there and then says, 'This is my f-first day doing this by myself. I'm a little nervous.'

'That ain't on your script.'

She laughed at that one. Finally. I guess she's alright, nervous is all. I can deal with nervous.

'Well, I'm 'bout ready to pop, drank a bunch of coffee on way over. Where's the fella's gonna watch my do this?'

'Sir, I'm the observer,' she says, real timid like.

'Really?'

'Yes sir.'

I'm looking at her, and I kinda cock my head sideways, and all of a sudden I see her face go bout five different shades of pink. I don't know that she reckoned on cockgazing this early in the morning, especially watching a stream of piss from a grungy old fuck like me.

'Alright then, let's just go do this.' I'm walking to the pisser and she's following me like a dog, head hanging down. She ain't too keen on it I can tell, and to be honest with ya I don't that I was either. 'Y'all got a mirror or somethin in there?' I asked her. And then I opened the door.

No mirror. It was kind of cramped actually, sink left, commode center, and a stool to the right, all jammed in there. The stool was real close to the commode, like I'd splash on it if I pissed real hard after a few beers you know.

She closed the door behind us and locked it and put her papers and shit on the sink. She pulled out that script again and started readin.

'This is all standard procedure. First, I'm Becky Bulstrand, test proctor for the Company. Per state regulations, I'm required to observe a clean-catch urine sample, after which we'll seal and label the sample before sending it for testing. If you have to leave for any reason, prior to sealing and labeling, the sample will be considered void and a new one will have to be collected. Do you have any questions so far?'

'Yeah. You gonna sit on that stool there?'

'Yes, sir. I'm required to observe a clean-catch urine sample,' she said, all serious like. She peeked at the card to make sure she got it right.

'Well, I ain't got no more questions, but I ain't never pissed in front of a woman before.'

'Sir, it's natural to be nervous. Just pretend I'm not here and urinate as you normally would. Now, for clean-catch, first you have to clean the head of your p-p-penis—'

'First, I think I gotta pull down my drawers.' She started to color again when I said that. 'I'm just sayin.'

'Yes, sir. Of course. First, you can lo... low... lower your pants.' She coughed, put her hand over her mouth an tried to clear her throat, but somethin just seemed to catch back there.

'You alright?'

'Yes, sir. I'm fine, sir.'

'Okay then.' I grabbed one of them alcohol swabs and ripped the edge back and put it on the edge of the sink, cause I done a clean-catch sample before and I knew how to do it, just I never did it in front of nobody. 'You gotta watch all this?' I asked her as she sat down on the stool. She sat on the edge, back straight, like she was payin attention in class or something.

'Yes, sir. Now, if you'll just free your p-penis so I can observe as you clean...'

She stopped talking as my drawers and pants both fell to the floor. I didn't see no reason to stretch it out, just unbuttoned and pushed em both down at the same time. Junior, as I call him, kind of dangled, a little shriveled but long. Now this girl colored up real good, a bright red that went from her cheeks to her neck. She blinked a couple times and then a couple more. She kept on blinkin for a few minutes while I took the shaft in one hand and held it still and picked up the swab and wiped the head off before tossin the swab in the toilet.

'Now what?' I asked her, cock in hand. She looked down at the script for a while, tryin to focus on the words I think. Then she looked up at me real quick, and her pretty blue eyes was wide open and looked like little pictures of the sky. She blew out some air, the breath she'd been holdin for who knows how long. The breeze of it, over my hand, over Junior, caused me to start, you know, to get a little excited.

If you know what I mean.

'Ah.'

She looked down at the script for a long time, squeezin it real tight with both hands. For some reason, the longer she looked at the script, the more excited I got, the whiter her knuckles got from squeezing the script. I couldn't help it much. But it was like boilin water you know cause it took a little while, like ol Junior was just getting a little longer, then a little thicker, then kind of hangin to the side, all of it happenin real gradual like.

She looked up from the script in time to see it bout halfway up.

'Uh, gettin kind of swole here, know what I mean?'

'Yes, sir. This is, ah, not that unusual, sir.'

'Well I ain't no expert, but I'd say this is right damn unusual.' She got even redder this time, like she'd done been out in the sun for three days. I watched the color creep down her chest to where her shirt covered her boobs, right down into the part where she buttons it up, man she shore was red.

I let go myself, there bein no need to hold it no more, and Junior flicked out in front, hoverin a little. She looked up and her eyes was less than a foot away, on account of her leanin frontways on that stool of hers. She blinked again and licked her lips like she was either hungry or scared shitless.

I'll give her scared shitless.

By now it's ragin, my cock's jus gettin more and more swole. When she blinked again, I clenched up and pulled my groin tight, just a reflex you know. When a man gets hard he squeezes that spot deep down, bout three or four inches in front of his rectum, and flexes his manhood. It's natural, almost happens by itself, and when it does his cock, if it's hard, just stands up real straight and proud.

And that's what I was doing.

'Sir, if you'll just take the cup there. The cup, if you'll just. What I need is for you to, uh, take that cup. And start urinating. For a few seconds. And then move the cup in, midstream. To catch some, uh, some urine. Sir.'

'There just ain't no way I can piss like this,' I told her, and it was absolutely the truth.

'Sir?'

'Is there anything on that script of yours for a situation like this?' I asked her, staring down at the biggest boner I prolly ever had. Fucker hung there like it was waitin for something. I didn't really know what ta do so, you know, I just stood there with my hands hangin down.

Waitin.

To see what was gonna happen next.

'Uh, sir, there's. I uh. Well. I don't know. What to do, that is.'

'Hmmm.'

We was both watchin it now, me and her, and the veiny old cock was still pointin almost straight up, so proud. I moved my hands to my hips and arched my back a little, on account of it gettin tight, swayin towards her some. She just kept on watchin, eyes glued to it. If she kept starin like that, it wasn't never goin down.

'Sir, I have to observe the sample. I have to see it.'

'Can I at least sit down til this goes away?'

She shook her head and squinched up her eyes, concentratin real hard. 'No sir, that would mean we'd have to start the test all over.'

'Have we started the test yet?'

'Sir, you've already cleaned the head of your penis. That means we've started.'

'Well fuck me runnin.'

'Sir?'

'Figure of speech.'

'Yes, sir.'

It was then I remembered this story I heard one time. I know it probly wasn't true, it was one of them dirty stories boys tell each other round the campfire. Ricky told us bout the time he had to get a football physical and nurse Rachel had to go with him to tha toilet for some reason. He asked her what was wrong and she told him she had to take a look at his equipment, to make sure it was alright. Well Ricky know'd it was alright, he jacked it just about every night, but she was the nurse so he just went along. When they got to the stall she came right in and closed the door to, pulling the latch over. She squeezed by him and sat on the commode facin him and told him to pull down his shorts. First Ricky said no way, unh uh, cause he knew he had a huge boner goin on down there. Perfectly natural she told him. When he hesitated she just ripped his shorts down and stared at his schlong a second before she looked up at him and told him she couldn't do nothin with THAT, so she'd have to take care of it, so she wrapped her fingers round it and squeezed it. Ricky said he shot right away, said when she looked up at him she had a glob of it on her forehead and was all wide-eyed, like a doe bout to bolt.

Wide-eyed.

Like this here girl on the stool sittin and starin at my own equipment.

My shit's still standing up only now there's just a little trickle of stuff at the tip. This thang ain't goin away no time soon.

I'm startin to think I ain't so shore I want it to.

'Darlin, ain't but one way to take care of this,' I told her. I wasn't much for pulling one off right there in front of her, but I done come too far for this job to back out now. Figured I'd just grab on and as long as she sat there watchin wouldn't have no trouble gittin er done, just gotta pump it a few times. No trouble at all.

'Sir, I. Well. I don't know.' She was kinda stammerin.

'Sure, jus one way. Lemme show you.'

'No sir, no need to demonstrate.'

'What?' Did she think I was askin her to do it? 'No no, you don't understand.'

That's when her hand flinched. I watched her fingers open and shut, she was stretching em out. She looked up at me a sec, like she was making the most important decision of her life. She made this funny face, eyes all scrunched up, and then her shoulders dropped and she reached out a tremblin hand. It didn't have to go too far.

Now, I ain't the most experienced fella on the block by no means, but at the same time I done had my share of the ladies. This here was a novel experience, if you know what I mean. I was tryin to wrap my brain round the idea of it when she closed her fingers round the girth of it.

'Sir, Sir, what I'm going to do is, that is, I will attempt to alleviate the, ah, the pressure.' Her voice had done gone up some, kinda high pitched and tight. 'When the pressure has been alleviated, we will proceed with the sample.'

My mouth was dry for sec, then I told her, 'Well, I guess that'll be alright.'

She squeezed my cock then, real tight, and I closed my eyes. Then she moved that little hand of hers up and down, none too fast, just like she was explorin it. I let her do that for a full minute while I just stood there. I cain't lie, it felt good. Real good.

After strokin it like she was cleanin it for a while she stopped and just sat there, hand down round the base of it. She let go and it was still just the same, rock hard and rarin to go.

Bout this time I opened up my eyes an put my hands behind my back and just looked down on this situation. I'm standin here, at a commode, tryin to get off so I can piss in a fuckin jar. Scratch that, not tryin to get off. Lettin some chick try an get me off.

'Sir, I suppose I can try again. To alleviate the pressure.'

This time I just made a noise in my throat like I was irritated, which I was. First off, this was way more than a reglar piss test. Second off she ain't got no clue how to do what she's tryin to do. And that just kinda torques me off, if you gonna do a thing, oughtta do it the best you can.

She reached out again and put her hand around me and started moving it up and down real mechanical like.

That ain't gonna do.

'Too high,' I says, cause she's runnin her hand all the way down then all the way back up past the head. 'Head's too sensitive for that much stimulatin, gotta use a kinda middle stroke. You wanna go down, wait a sec, then come back up just to the head. But don't touch it much, the head I mean, just a little, kinda tease it.'

Now I gotta ask ya, you ever seen the Alabama Crimson Tide uniforms? You know how they all dark red in color? Well that's what color this lil filly turned, from the tip of her head clear down to her chest and arms, as I instructed her on the fine of art of cock jackin. She kinda shivered too and started shakin.

But she listened and I could tell she was concentratin, cause she leaned forward and watched, eyes glued to my raging cock as she slid her palm up and down, pausing at the bottom and going up only so far, barely grazin the head, just like I told her to.

'That's it, you doin real good. Now just slow it down a little.'

She did it too, slowed down and leaned forward just a little more. I bet her face wasn't more than two inches from the tip of my cock, I could feel her breathin on it.

'That's right. You got this.' I expected her to look up but she was absorbed, like this chore was the most important thing in the world which for me was getting right close to the truth.

Then she added some kind of wrist thang, like when you're ridin a motorbike and twist the gas, while she was moving her hand up and down. She glanced up at me real fast, I guess to see how I was takin it, before lookin back down again. Reckon she was proud of herself for this paticular innovation.

I knowed I was real close now, cause more of them trickles was comin out and lubricatin her hand some. It slid up and down just perfect, her fist cinched up round it like she was holdin a microphone.

I bit my lip, cause I was bout to unload in a major way and no matter how wrong it might have been I wasn't gonna give her no inclin whatsoever that it was bout to happen, it was gonna be a surprise. I didn't see no reason not to enjoy this to the fullest.

As I got closer and closer I pressed down like I could hold it in, pressed some more, just a split second longer, tryin to hold it back—

And then it all happened at one time.

A big white gush shot out and arced up, landin on top of her head. She kept moving her hand for a sec, like she didn't know what to do. Then another shot, this one landed on the commode, and a few dribbles that went down over her fingers, and then I grunted real good and shot one that landed right on her chin.

That's when she stopped, and another lil bit dribbled out and ran down, and then she let go an pulled her hand back.

'Oh.'

That's all she said.

She sat there a sec like she was trying to figure out what to do, so I just stood there too, throbbin and waitin for it to go down, which didn't take too long.

She looked like she wanted to stand up, cept I had her kind of boxed in on account of the stool she was sittin on and me standin in front of the commode.

Finally ol Junior was pointin mostly down and I just grabbed the cup and started pissing in the commode, which weren't that hard cause takin a piss is what I generally do after I get off anyways. Couple seconds on I slid the cup into tha stream and filled it up and then moved it to the sink so I could finish pissin in peace which, on account of all the coffee and water I drank, took a while.

Fellas, let me tell ya, that's how you spell relief.

*

After she wiped herself off I screwed the top on the cup, which she watched me like a hawk, and took it out to her desk and she started doin the labels and such. We was almost done and gettin ready to put the tape on it when my buddy got there and walked in the door. As I turned round my arm caught on somethin and I heard a little plastic clink as the cup hit the floor and the top popped off and piss just spilled all over the fuckin carpet.

'Will you look at that,' my buddy said, shaking his head. 'That's gonna stain. You gotta piss again?'

I turned round and looked at the filly sittin behind the desk. 'I don't know, do I?'

'Sir, this sample is invalid,' she said, and she looked real disappointed.

'Well no shit,' my buddy said and I had to laugh.

'Yeah, I can probly piss again,' I told her, feeling my nuts tightenin up. 'In fact I'm sure of it. Why dontcha grab another one of them cups and bring it on over,' I told her an started walkin to the stall.