The Pits

"I thought that the idea here was to save me from dying and put the bad guys in jail," I said.

"Right now all we have is a couple of phone conversations where they planned to do something," he said. "If we really want to put them away we need to catch them in the act. You won't actually die of course, but we want them to believe that you have."

I was still laughing my ass off as I drove home that evening. When I got to the ranch, Jenna was waiting for me as I expected. She gave me the usual roster of stupid questions while she pretended to care about me. As I looked at her I still couldn't fathom what she wanted in all of this. If she wasn't fucking Dave, or Fred Mertz what was her motivation? Did she really love either one of those guys? More importantly did she ever really love me? And if so what caused her to stop?

I realized then that there was no longer any love between Jenna and I. What I couldn't figure out though was why she didn't just walk. I was stuck in this shit until I could get her ass out of my life one way or another, but why didn't she leave?

Another puzzling thing for me was why was she always trying to fuck me? If she didn't love me why was she constantly after me for sex?

Oh well another night another masterful performance at avoiding sleeping with her. This time I used a very deadly and dangerous combo-lie. Amateurs should not attempt combos until they're very good at regular lies.

I told Jenna that I'd had to spend the last two days in town in meetings with the EPA. It worked great because everyone has heard about the EPA but very few people actually know what they do.

I told her that I was really worried because they'd gotten word that there was a possible soil contamination in our area, that they were worried might get into the ground water table. I told her the contaminating agent was found in Ostrich shit, and we might have to shut down and face stiff fines.

I also told her that against my will they'd be testing at several locations around the ranch tomorrow and then we'd get the results in a few weeks.

That was layer one of the lie. I also told her that all of the stress I'd been going through was what had been dampening my desire for her. I told her as soon as this was all over that I'd be all over her again.

Maybe I'm just not a good judge of character, but she seemed to be relieved when I said that. It was almost as if her faith in her appeal and her confidence had been shaken by my repeated refusals. Now that she had a reason for me not wanting to have sex with her, her swagger had returned.

The next morning was an interesting one. Dave showed up at the house bright and early, ready for our morning run. He claimed that in just the few days that we had missed, he'd gained 10 pounds. I laughed and told him he'd have to either wait or go it alone for another day or 2. I explained the story about the EPA investigation into our Ostrich shit.

As we were talking about it, Ted showed up with a couple of big trucks with "Environmental Protection Agency" painted on their sides. Ted told us how he was in charge of the operation and needed someone to take one of his teams around the area they were interested in. I suggested that Dave do it. He knew the area as well as I did.

I did notice a quick, covert glance between Jenna and Dave, but nothing else.

Ted left the house after telling Dave that his team would be waiting for him in front of one if the trucks.

Dave was just about to say something to me. To this day I wish he'd had the chance to, and I've often wondered what it was.

Jenna nervously cleared her throat and Dave never said anything. About that same time the doorbell rang and all Hell broke loose.

Jenna opened the door, and saw a woman standing there.

"Can I help you?" asked Jena in her best ice queen voice. I think I could hear the ice crystals crackling with each syllable she uttered.

"I don't think so," was the reply. "You don't even seem to be able to help yourself. Anyway I'm here to see him," she pointed at me. "It's about a job."

"We don't have any openings," snapped Jenna.

"I believe you," the woman replied. "You look like all of your openings have been used, probably a lot." Though a lot smaller than Jenna, the woman didn't appear to be even slightly afraid of her, and wasn't going to put up with any shit. She gingerly stepped around Jenna and made her way over to me.

"Is what the Glamazon said true?" she asked putting her hand on one of her tiny hips and looking at me. "Did you have me drive all the way out here for nothing?"

"Of course not," I said. Dave quickly took that opportunity to leave, while Jenna just stood there looking as if someone had shit in her cornflakes.

"What's your name future employee, or should I just wait for you to fill out the job application?" I asked.

"Alana Myles," she laughed. "What do I call you, future employer?"

"Anthony Blake, but you can call me Tony," I said. Her face lit up as I said that, and she got the funniest look.

"I've heard that name before, but for the life of me I can't remember where," she said. We went through the full list of schools or places we might've known each other from but couldn't find the link. Meanwhile my wife was getting angrier and angrier.

"Well, Alana, why don't I just show you the property and we can discuss the jobs as we go and you can decide which one you want," I said.

We left the house, closing the door gently. Alana jumped lightly off the porch and held one hand up to her ear. "Shhh," she said.

"What are you listening for?" I asked. This woman fascinated me.

"I'm not sure yet," she said with a very serious look on her face. "It may be only one sound or a combination of many. It may be a hissing, or a dripping, or a clunk, or possibly even a thunk. It may even be all of them one after another. Or even all at the same time." I was really wondering what hell she was talking about. Then I looked at her and saw those marvelous eyes and the smile. She started laughing then.

"Okay, spill it," I said.

"Well, if it's a hissing sound..." she said."That'll mean that some of the air is leaking from that Blow up doll's head. If it's a dripping sound it'll be from the silicone leaking from those big fake balloons on her chest. A clunking sound will come from all of the fat on her ass finally surrendering to gravity." Alana was obviously enjoying this.

"What about the thunk sound?" I asked.

"That would be the sound of her jaw hitting the floor when you and I left," she said. "I really don't understand men. Why would you hire her? She's way too domineering, and she looks like a porn star. Everything about her is fake; you should have a nice normal girl for your secretary."

Then it was my turn to laugh. Alana asked me what was so funny.

"Alana, Jenna isn't my secretary. She is, at least for the next couple of days, my wife."

Alana's jaw dropped too."Why is she only going to be your wife for the next couple of days?" she asked, looking at me with a puzzled expression on her face. "Let me guess, she's cheating on you?"

"Oh, it's far worse than that," I said. "I can't go into it right now, just believe me it's pretty bad."

"Okay, now it makes sense," she said. "As she said this I noticed that a lot of the zest of her expression and demeanor had faded.

"Hey Al, is there something wrong?" I asked.

"Nope, it's just the way my life goes," she said. We got into a jeep and started driving around the property with me telling her about the various things we did to and for the animals.

I think the biggest surprise came when she saw the first group of birds. Up until then she'd thought that we were raising cattle or sheep. A lot of her joy came back as she watched the birds running around and saw exactly how big the property was.

Of course there were also times when she'd suddenly get quiet and go back into her shell a bit.

"Al, why do..." I began.

"Why do you keep calling me Al?" she asked.

"Hey, I'm your boss. During the work day, I can call you anything I want," I smirked.

"Oh, can you?" she smirked, right back. Her eyes lit back up, and her face took on its former passion.

"Yes, I can," I said, our faces inched closer together with every passing second.

"I haven't taken the job yet, Boss," she said. Her voice was barely louder than a whisper.

"So do you want it?" I asked. And I wasn't even thinking of the double meaning that my words and our proximity hinted at.

"Oh yeah," she said. "I want it really bad." before either of us could say another word, a tapping on the jeep's window brought us out of the fog we were in. Dave was standing next to the Jeep. Alana and I got out and I introduced Dave to Alana.

Dave had some concerns about what the EPA guys were doing and looking for. I reminded him that we had no choice so we should just let them do what they had to do, so we could see what the next step in the process was.

I gave him my assurances that the ranch would come out of this process just fine.

I really meant it when I said that too. Because whether he and Jenna were in jail or not; whether or not I was successful in getting rid of Jenna's ass, the ranch would be fine.

"He's the one isn't he?" Alana asked me later on after Dave had left. "I can't believe Barbie would be stupid enough to cheat on you with him."

"What makes you think he's the one?" I asked.

"The way you are around each other," she said. "You're a nice guy. I knew that from the very first second I saw you. When you surprised me, by giving up that parking spot was the first time I saw it. I noticed it even more when you sat down and talked to me after my disastrous meeting. You're nice to everyone we run into. You don't act like these people work for you. You act like they're doing you a favor. And all of them love you and are at ease around you."

"When you spoke to Dave, it was different. You seemed sad, like you had just found out that he had done something bad to you and you weren't angry, just disappointed."

"And he had that farm boy's first pig look on his face," she said. She noticed I was looking at her like she'd just dropped down from a spaceship.

"Okay," she said, realizing then that no sane person knew what a farm boy's first pig look, meant. "Pretend you grew up on a farm. Now pretend that your dad gave you one of the piglets for you to take care of as your own. You do a great job raising that pig, and after a while your dad comes and tells you that your pig is the best one on the farm. It's so good in fact that he's going to slaughter your pig for your family's barbecue the next day. So all this day, the last day you'll ever have with your pig, you treat that pig better than you ever have before. Because you know that its life is pretty much over and you don't want the pig to think badly of you."

"After a farm boy goes through that a time or two they start to see the pigs as just pigs, but that first time they're really sad and broken up about it."

Alana didn't know exactly how close to the truth she was. She also had no idea how her presence was beginning to make me feel. I'd brought her out here to hire her, but my feelings for her were starting to go in a completely different direction. Then I realized that there had never really been any difference. I was offering her a job, or making one up for her because I liked her. Lying to my-self wouldn't help the situation.

I drove us back to the house and parked near her BMW. "So do you want the job?" I asked, quietly.

"Of course I do," she laughed.

"Okay," I said.

"Don't you want to know which one?" she asked.

"Okay, which one?" I asked smiling. It didn't really matter which one she picked, I just wanted her around me.

"I'm going to be your new personal assistant," she said.

"My what?" I asked. I remembered asking her about a cleaning job, or light book keeping, or ranch hand. I was wondering where she got the whole assistant thing from.

"Your personal assistant," she said. "I'll just assist you in any way you see fit. I'll be wherever you are, doing whatever you want me to. Plus it'll really piss Barbie off."

"Okay," I said, pulling out my checkbook. I dated and signed a check, and handed it to her. "Take the rest of the day, and get your son in school. You can start tomorrow."

"How did you know how much to write the check for?" she asked.

"It's blank," I said. "You can fill in the amount and we'll start taking it out of your paychecks a little at a time." I saw her eyes start to tear up.

"How do you know that I won't just fill it out for ten thousand dollars and just disappear?" she asked.

"I don't, but I trust you," I said, lying through my teeth. My bank would automatically call me to verify any check over a thousand dollars, but it sounded good.

"So how much are you paying me?" she asked.

"I don't know. How much are you worth?" I asked back. "We'll argue about it tomorrow," I said, seeing Jenna staring at me through the front windows of the house.

Before my hand hit the door Jenna yanked it open. "Did you send that little bitch away for good?" she snapped.

"Nope, I hired her," I said.

"Hired her for what?" hissed Jenna. "So you can just stand around and make cow eyes at her?"

"Nope she's going to be my personal assistant," I said.

"Since when do you need an assistant?" asked Jenna. "I don't like her."

"That's probably why she's not your assistant," I said. I wondered what the hell was going through Jenna's mind. It almost seemed like she was jealous. If she hated me so much that she was trying to have me killed, why would she care about me hiring someone?

She just stood there and glared at me. "What's that on the floor behind you?" I asked. She turned and bent over to look at what I was pointing to. I slapped her on her butt, causing her to shriek. Jenna loved it when I did things like that.

Her face was smiling as she turned back to me, and she rubbed her butt as if it hurt.

"I have to go to a meeting with Jerry, and Ted from the EPA," I said. "We have to discuss the preliminary assessment. I won't be long. Maybe we can have dinner together, and watch some TV."

"I like it when we stay home together," she cooed. "I'll have dinner ready when you get home." What she really meant was that she'd order one of my favorites or have the maid make something. I don't think Jenna could turn the stove on. She never had to because she always turned me on. At least she did until I found out that she wanted me dead.

Jerry was a new man. He was more like the Jerry of old. He was smiling and happy, and smoking a really big fucking cigar.

"Hey, my wife is trying to kill me," I said playfully. "If I die who'll pay your exorbitant retainer?"

"I'm so happy, I'd almost work for free," he smirked. "I have a feeling I'm going to get that fucking albatross from around my neck. My monster of an ex wife seems to have found a fucking job and joined the rest of us working slobs. Now she can stop trying to nickel and dime me out of every cent I make."

"Sheesh," I said, remembering Jerry's lumbering foul smelling ex wife. "Who'd hire her? What's she doing?"

"I have no clue," he said. "But whatever it is, it makes my job easier. Now if only some retarded blind guy would fall in love with her and marry her, and adopt her kid. I'd be shitting in the tall grass. I could go off to Vegas and probably find me a big fake boob stripper type like yours, but no more marriages."

Ted walked in as Jerry was saying that. "Hey speaking of big fake boob stripper types, your wife is really pissed. She had your buddy in your house as soon as you left. Whatever you were doing today was like waving a red flag at a bull. She's planning on fucking your brains out one last time tonight. She wants to have you so tired and not really thinking so your best friend for life, can accidentally kill you tomorrow."

"Well I'm not going home then," I said.

"Oh no, we want you to be there," he said. "I've got people all over your property. As soon as he kills you we'll take them both into custody."

"Uhm, what if I kind of want to live?" I asked.

"Don't worry. You won't be so much as scratched. But remember the plan. Make it look real." he said.

When I got home, I went right to bed. Jenna was pissed. When she came into the room, in a nightie that was barely there, I almost laughed my ass off at her trying to pose seductively until she noticed that I was asleep. Realistically if she had pulled the sheet down she'd have noticed that I was sporting a huge erection from just looking at her. I was really going to miss her, or at least miss fucking her.

The next morning Dave showed up and found me already stretching and getting ready to run. We started off at an easy pace. Emilio, one of our ranch hands, ran with us. We picked up the pace as we ran further, and Dave and I got competitive as we always did. We were fairly evenly matched so we both needed to be careful. If we ran too fast, we wouldn't have the stamina to complete the distance. As we got near the first pit, Dave jokingly bumped me. Naturally I bumped him back. "Hey no playing around near the pits," Dave said sternly.

We ran further and sweat broke out on all three of us. We waved at some of the workers who were up early. Some were on their way to breakfast, others to feed the animals or do other chores.

I bumped Dave hard sending him careening nearly off the path.

"You guys are out for blood, today." said Emilio.

"It's only in fun, Emilio," I said. "Dave is like a brother to me. I trust him implicitly. I trust him as much as I do my wife."

Dave looked at me strangely. I really believe that he was having second thoughts. "I don't think this place would be nearly as successful as it without Dave," I said. Then I bumped him again.

If Dave was undecided, it was only for a minute. He smiled and said "Thanks man." Then as we approached the second pit he slammed into me and sent me hurtling into the pit. I teetered precariously on the edge of pit for a few seconds. Then lost my balance and fell onto the branches and twigs that covered it. My weight was of course too heavy for the camouflaging branches to support me so I fell through them out of view.

I screamed for a few milliseconds and stopped.

"Oh my God no," yelled Dave. He tried to look down at me and got barely a glimpse of me with one of the large spikes protruding out of my chest. I was covered in blood and my body was twitching.

Before Dave or Emilio could say a word, four big burly cops grabbed Dave. They dragged him kicking and screaming into the back of a formerly hidden police car and took him away. Ted came out and had Emilio run to the house to tell Jenna what had happened.

"Oh no!" screamed Dave. "It was an accident. I didn't mean to do it. We were just messing around."

"Shut up dumb ass," said one of the cops.

Back at the house, Jenna was sitting calmly at the breakfast table. She had on a long white dress, and had made herself up perfectly. It was as if she was about to star in her own movie. Only she didn't realize how true her thoughts were. The house was full of cameras recording her every movement. I later watched this happen on video that's how I'm able to tell you about her part in all of this.

She dialed the phone quickly and told someone on the other end, "It should all be over in less than an hour. I'll be the grieving widow. We'll have to get someone to take care of our fall guy,Dave. Then you can come in to console me, and sweep me off my feet. I'll sell you the ranch and you can take me away to live in the type of luxury I deserve."

She laughed at something the person on the other end said and then replied.

"It was a brilliant idea you had to do this," she said. "I just wish that I had gotten to have him one more time last night. He really was very good in bed. No not better than you sweetie. No man ever will be. I can tell sweetie. But he did know how to push my buttons."