The Polaris Effect Ch. 04

Chapter Four- Wondering Why...

Amy Sandler refused to admit any favoritism in her love towards her children. She loved all three of them equally; however, she let herself admit that her youngest had always been different and that they shared a very special bond. Jeremy had been small at birth, coming three and a half weeks early. Consequently, she paid close attention to the small boy as he grew. Now he was thirty and no longer needed protecting, but somehow she still felt as if his gentle disposition and graceful spirit needed keeping an eye on.

The year after Jeremy turned sixteen was the hardest of his entire adolescence. The letters from camp the previous summer had been happy and joyful. Jeremy had made a new friend and he was having the best time he ever had up there. He said that he was sad that Labor Day was approaching and the time for the camp was near to an end. But when he actually arrived home, there was no joy or happiness in anything he did. He was moody and sullen; not like him at all.

Once during this time, Amy wondered if Jeremy would ever truly be happy. Then almost a year later, he finally told her that he was in love with his best friend and that they wanted to date. She was a little apprehensive, but only to the point of wanting to protect him from harm. She could tell the two boys genuinely loved each other. The deep longing and love she saw in their eyes was apparent as they gazed at each other the day they confided in her and her husband that they were gay. She knew that they faced a hard road if they planned to stay together, but she would do everything she could to protect her offspring and help them when they needed it.

The boys were happy once they were finally together and even though they fielded their share of smirks and catcalls they had spent their last two years in high school as a couple. Amy had to come to think of Archer as one of her sons. She loved him and wanted the best for him, just as she did any of the children she had physically carried in her womb. Then right before Jeremy turned twenty came that awful day when everything changed. Jeremy had been in a foul mood for weeks and at a Sunday evening family dinner, Archer was conspicuously absent. Jeremy announced to his family that he was leaving Oregon and moving to Seattle. That he needed some time and some space from his family and from Archer.

She loved her son dearly, but her heart broke for poor Archer. He was a caring, loving soul; a little naïve about some things and she couldn't imagine how he must have been taking this. Archer had shared with her in the past that he wanted to be with Jeremy forever, that even though they couldn't get married, he already felt as though they were committed to each other. Jeremy obviously had some doubts.

Amy never questioned her son about the breakup. He moved to Seattle, got his degree and went to work as a programmer for some big city law firm. That was ten years ago and now they never saw him anymore. Every once in a while Amy would start to feel sad for the loss of her "adopted" fourth child. She kept up with his parents until they moved out of the area, but somehow she lost track of Arch.

On those gray Oregon mornings when she sat alone in her cozy kitchen staring out the window at the magpies and finches hopping along picking fruit between the blackberry vines covering the aging railroad trestle at the back of their property, she would feel her heartstrings pull for happier times. She would remember days watching the boys eating breakfast at their kitchen table before school, playfully swatting at each other or even stealing quick kisses they thought she never noticed. Coincidentally it seemed, every time this happened to her, she would get a call from her youngest son. Jeremy would chat about work or some new piece of furniture or art he had acquired, but she heard loneliness in the vacant echo of his voice on these forced social calls.

She was out in the garden this afternoon, pruning the last of the dead rosehips from her award-winning bushes. The air was rich with the smell of smoke from fall leaves burning and there was a chill in the air. The sun warmed her back though and she felt comfortable in her thermal long-sleeved shirt under her "gardening" smock and her jeans. She heard the phone in the kitchen ringing and ran up the three small steps to her back porch door. When she got to the phone, she was breathless. It was Jeremy. This was the third time she had heard from him this month. As she moved to the sink with the phone cord wrapped around her shoulders, she shook the dirt from her garden gloves into the stainless steel basin and haphazardly pulled them off. They chatted for a few moments about family and her lovely garden this year and then she inquired how he was doing? Amy sighed heavily as she listened to yet another "canned" response from him about how things were going in Washington.

"What's wrong mom?" Jeremy queried from the other end of the line, hearing the restlessness in her voice.

She thought about what she wanted to say to him. Was there a way to get him to admit that things had never been right since he and Archer had split up without him hating her for meddling in his personal life?

She sighed again and fished a neutral question out there for him. "Honey, are you really happy up there in Seattle?"

"Sure mom, why wouldn't I be," he wondered aloud.

Amy knew she was on shaky ground here. She had never once asked him anything about Archer in the ten years since Jeremy had left home. For some reason the veiled sadness in her son's voice made it seem like the right time.

"You know what I was remembering this morning Jem? That time when you were sixteen and you and Archer told Dad and me that you wanted to talk to us, alone! You were so scared that day, weren't you? You were worried about what we would say when you told us you had fallen in love with your best friend? I was scared too you know. I already knew in my heart that you two boys loved each other. My gosh you could see the love in your eyes when you two looked at each other. But your dad, I wasn't sure that your dad would handle the whole thing too well. But it didn't turn out too bad, did it? He was a little shocked at first, but he quickly got over it I think. He knew how good Archer had been to you after you guys made up. He knew your attitude and outlook had taken a 180 degree turn from the previous summer." She paused and listened for a reaction, she heard nothing but his even breathing.

"Jeremy I know it's none of my business but it's just ...honey, you were so very happy then. And now it seems like you don't have anyone in your life to make you happy anymore."

There she had finally said it. Something she had wanted to tell him for years now was out in the open. He would admit either that he was miserable or he would fume and scream about her butting into his life. She twirled the worn coil of the phone cord over her finger as she waited with apprehension, listening to him breathing on the other end.

"Mom, I... I..., oh God mom I don't know how you could bring that up?" It was as if she had purposely opened up his heart for all of the pain to gush out again.

"Honey, look, I'm sorry. I don't mean to bring up things that make you even sadder, but I just wonder if maybe you leaving might have been a mistake." This wasn't what he wanted to hear, she knew. He had always been hypersensitive to criticism and what she had just said meant that she thought he had made a mistake about the most important decision in his life.

"I gotta go Mom; I can't talk about this right now. I'll call you this weekend, okay?" Jeremy sounded as sad and lonely as she had ever heard him.

She knew that he had started to sniffle a bit and didn't want to embarrass him any more than she already had, but she was sure that he needed to reassess his current situation and make some changes before it was too late. If he was mad at her about it that was just a chance she would have to take?

"Okay honey, I'm sorry." She waited for him to say good-bye, but all she heard was the disconnection and buzzing in her ear.

Amy Sandler loved her children dearly, but this one... this one needed a swift kick in the butt and she gave it to him as softly as she could manage. She prayed that for his own happiness, he would at least consider what she had said.

***



Jeremy could hardly breathe as he hung up the phone from what was suppose to be a routine call to his mom this afternoon. Although he was thirty years old, he suddenly felt the anticipation and uneasiness in his chest as he had when he was a teenager and was never sure of anything, except of course, his love for Archer.

He sat in his study for the longest time just staring off into space. He could still hear her words rattling around in his head. ... you were so very happy then.

Yes, he was happy! He had struggled with it that whole year after camp to admit to himself that he was gay, that he was in love with another boy. Archer, his Archer... O God what did I do? I loved him so much and I worried so much about what the world thought that it changed my mind for me. He was beginning to feel despondent. He slipped from his rolling desk chair and fell into a fetal position on the beige Berber carpet of his plush Seattle townhouse, rocking back and forth, remembering the face of the boy he had loved all of his life.

Everything had changed with just a phone call, just as it had all those years ago.

***

After a whole year of not speaking, Jeremy finally got the nerve to approach Archer at school in the fall of their junior year. They easily fell into their friendly banter and after a few weeks, Archer told him that his parents were going to a conference in Chicago that weekend and asked if he would like to come over and stay the weekend.

Jeremy was overcome with a mixture of feelings the night when he was supposed to call Archer to get directions to his house. He was scared beyond belief, but he was also excited that he might finally be able to tell Archer what had happened on the last day of camp the year before. He dialed the phone as his stomach flipped over one last time.

"Hello." A soft-spoken voice breathed heavily into the phone.

"Hey Arch, it's me Jeremy. Did I wake you up dude?" Jeremy knew it had been too late to call.

"NO, No, don't worry about it. I just was lying here and I must have fallen asleep." Arch sounded a bit flustered.

"You know I can call later if you want?" Jeremy almost suggested that they talk at school tomorrow.

"It's really okay Jeremy. I don't mind at all, REALLY!" Arch stressed the last word and waited for Jeremy's reply.

"Oh, okay. Well I was just wondering if you could give me directions to your house. You know for this weekend." There were a million other things that Jeremy wanted to say at that moment.

"Yeah, yeah. No problem! Do you know how to get to the Linden Hills Country Club?" Arch quizzed. Jeremy affirmed and Archer continued to give him the directions. There was a long pause when he was through. Arch finally took a deep breath and asked the question Jeremy had been dreading for a year.


"Jem, why did you stop talking to me after camp last year?" Jeremy thought that he could hear Arch sniffling softly on the other end of the line. His heart broke at the very idea that he could have caused pain to the very person he adored so ferociously. He didn't want to dredge everything up tonight. They had school tomorrow and he had soccer practice. If he didn't get his sleep tonight he would be a wreck again tomorrow and then his mom would never let him spend the weekend at the Finklins.

"You know what Arch; I think that we had better talk about this when I get there tomorrow night, okay? I know that I hurt you Arch, but I want you to know one thing..." he pulled together all of his courage and let his heart talk this time instead of his head. "I never stopped thinking about you."

There was another long pause and Jeremy heard Archer's sniffles subside. "Really, Jeremy?"

"Really, Arch. See you tomorrow night after practice, okay?" Jeremy felt a little better. "Night."

"Good night Jem." The receiver buzzed in Jeremy's ear as the call was disconnected.

He got up from his desk and stripped out of his clothes, tossing the dirty ones in the general direction of the hamper in the corner of his room by his closet. Fate was playing out its hand and Jeremy knew now that there was not going to be a way to keep this whole thing platonic. He was going to have to come out to Arch tomorrow night and he was going to come clean about his feelings for him as well. Damn the consequences. That year or two he thought he would be waiting to tell his parents and the rest of his family about his sexuality was suddenly on the fast track to the here and now, and frankly, it scared him to death. However, the thought of finally getting to tell Archer Finklin that he had loved him for the past year outweighed every other panic or concern he had.

Jeremy picked up his gym shorts that he always wore to bed from the drawer in his dresser and climbed under the covers. He switched off the lamp on his nightstand and closed his eyes waiting for the dreams to come again, dreams of Arch. Of his curls and his smile and everything else that went along with the wondrous creature of his affections. Jeremy reached under the waistband of his shorts and stroked his developing manhood. He fell asleep with his hand wrapped around it, too tired to finish himself off. The dreams would take care of that for him.

***

The Finklin's home was nestled against the top of the hill in Linden Estates. He saw exactly what Arch's parent's education had afforded them. This was no tract house in the suburbs. This was the epitome of luxury. The front of the place was encased in floor to ceiling windows, only come to find out that the façade that Jeremy had guessed was the front was technically the back according to the architect that had designed it. The windows furnished the Finklins with the view of the back of the hill, sloping gently down into a meadow that was frequented by deer and rabbits and other inquisitive wildlife. The front door faced a gap in the gentle precipice of the rise, which overlooked Ashland itself.

He parked his car behind the outdoor parking structure holding an SUV and a sporty little car that Jeremy assumed to be Mr. Finklin's. He wasn't quite sure what it was, but it looked European and older than he was. Archer appeared out of a doorway to his left and hollered for Jeremy.

Jeremy grabbed his gym bag and headed toward his friend. When he got to the door, his heart skipped a beat. Arch was standing there in khaki's that looked as if they were going to slip from his hips at any second. Arch was built like a tree trunk as Jeremy had noticed before, but what he hadn't ever noticed was that his shoulders were starting to fill out and his pectoral muscles had become truly well defined for a sixteen-year-old. Maybe it was because Jeremy hadn't seen Arch without a shirt on in a while. He looked so sexy standing there that Jeremy had to gasp for a breath.

"You comin' in or what?" Arch finally said as Jeremy stood there staring.

"Yeah, sorry." Jeremy stuttered again and followed Archer into the family room.

"You want the 10 cent tour?" Arch seemed so casual about the grand palace that Jeremy saw around him. There was a stone fireplace in the family room and the mantle seemed to be hand carved out of some kind of richly dark wood. Maple or walnut he assumed. Turned out to be Mahogany and very expensive. The tour guide sauntered toward the back expanse of the first floor pointing out this and that and finally stopping if front of a long, wide staircase.


"My room is upstairs, you can stow your bag up there." Jeremy padded up the stairs behind the boy he loved, staring with desire at the little butt of the tree trunk. "God how I want to touch him," he thought to himself. Either Jeremy's dreams were about to come true after a year of waiting or he was going to have a nervous break down with disappointment. He could hardly contain himself when they came through the door of Archer's bedroom. Flashes of a dream Jeremy had yesterday rolled around in his brain. He was physically standing in a circular room with glass walls opening out onto a deck supported by the huge oak trees that encompassed the modern house.

"Wow Arch, this is incredible. How can you ever sleep in here, I would be looking at the stars from here every night?" Jeremy was truly in awe.

"It's no big deal really." Arch understated the grandeur of his parent's house and of his own bedroom. "I guess I'm just used to it."

"If I brought my telescope up here, it would be fabulous. Without the lights from town we could see the whole galaxy from here... or just about anyway." Arch chuckled at Jeremy's naïveté.

"We can go down and get it in the morning if you want you know." Jeremy whipped around from the windows and stared longingly into Archer's eyes.

"You mean it bud?" Jeremy was almost speechless.

Archer placed a hand on Jeremy's shoulder, "Sure, why not?" He was waiting for a reaction from Jeremy when he finally realized what it was that covered Arch's walls.

Jeremy was looking at Arch's wonderful blue eyes, but the walls had suddenly caught his attention as well. Covering the entire span of Archer's rounded room were hundreds of pencil sketches, and as he scanned them, one to the other he suddenly lost his cool. All of them were of him. They started from last year at summer camp. There were ones of him swimming and kayaking, eating dinner in the dining hall and giving the little kids piggyback rides. The ones closest to them and above Arch's student desk were recent; out in front of the school waiting for his brother to pick him up and tons at their last soccer game against Medford. Jeremy couldn't think fast enough, but finally it hit him like a ton of bricks... Archer wasn't mad at him....no, that wasn't it at all, he liked him.

"You did these? All of these...? Of me...?" Jeremy looked over at his friend to see his eyes diverted to the floor. He was slowly shaking his head in the affirmative.

"Are you pissed Jem? Do you hate me now?" The voice that came from Archer was soft and broken. He still couldn't bring himself to look at the boy he had secretly admired for so long now.

Jeremy slowly closed the rest of the gap that was between them. He reached out with his index finger and titled Archer's face up toward him. Since Arch was about four inches taller than Jeremy was, he had to lift up onto his toes to reach Archer's face, but he was determined that now was the time to make everything right. With his stomach churning and his hands shaking, he slowly and sweetly kissed Archer Finklin for the second time in his life.

Arch's lips were soft and warm. Jeremy lingered just long enough to gage whether the other boy was going to pull away or not. When he didn't, Jeremy brazenly slipped the tip of his tongue into Archer's sweet, hot mouth. He encircled Arch's waist with his arms and held on tight. He toyed with the tip of Archer's tongue and his friend tentatively responded. The sensations were overwhelming. He had fantasized about this and wished for it, but nothing that he could have imagined compared to the feelings he was having presently holding and kissing the boy of his dreams. They rocked in place as they continued to kiss. When they finally separated, Jeremy answered Archer's question.

"No, Arch I don't hate you...far from it." Jeremy's smile was broad and sweeping as if painted by one of the budding artist's many watercolor brushes.


Archer moved to the bed and sat down shaking his head in disbelief.

"You okay bud?" Jeremy was suddenly concerned that he had read the whole situation wrong and Arch really didn't LIKE HIM.