The Polaris Effect Ch. 08

Chapter Eight – HOME Is Where Your Heart Is

When Jeremy awoke, he could hear clambering about downstairs. He was sure that he recognized his sister's voice in the melee, which meant that it was probably family dinner night tonight, a tradition that had survived even though they had not all been able to attend. When Jeremy left Ashland all those years ago, the sense of comfort that his family brought to him slowly faded away; riddled with guilt, he blocked the memories of warm, robust dinners gathered around the old pine dining table in his parent's house. Nights when they had sat, sometimes Archer at his side, laughing and talking, drinking coffee or wine or soda, playing board games or cards or dice until they had all laughed so long and so hard, they were exhausted. Even though his heart was still heavy with dread, Jeremy was actually looking forward to seeing the rest of his family again. It had been so very long since he had felt a part of something larger than his own troubles.

He stretched long and hard, hoping that he could keep his emotions in check for the rest of the evening. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he surveyed the room. His mom had kept some of his old school things in here. The desk in the corner was the one he had sat in front of for years doing his homework. Casually, he strolled over to it and sat in a new, somewhat stiff office chair that must have come from a local computer store. There was a new computer on the corner of the desk with the latest printer, scanner, fax unit off to the side on an old end table covered with coffee rings that Jeremy recognized from his parent's living room. With his hand shaking just a bit, the tips of his fingers touched the handle of the drawer where he always kept his journals. He didn't have to wonder if they would be in there. His mom was too much of a sentimentalist to remove them. The silver of the wire spirals glinted as the light caught the metal and reflected back into his eyes. The faded covers and torn edges showed the repetitive dunks they had taken into his high school backpack.

They were in chronological order, the last year he had been at home on top. Wide, black, sweeping numerals stood against the royal blue laminated cover; 1992-1993 Journal was printed in the middle of the book in his teenage scrawl. As he lifted it from its resting place, he shuddered silently. The memories were going to serve as a catalyst, he was sure. What direction they turned him depended on the attitude he took as he read them. He was so tired; tired of being sad and angry at the world, tired of feeling unloved and unwanted. He carefully replaced the notebook without opening it, slid the drawer closed and walked out of the room and into the bathroom across the hall to freshen up. When he felt presentable, he meandered down the stairs to face the troops. This sudden turn in his life had made an impact on him. He consciously admitted to himself that he had been a spoiled, selfish child for the last ten years. He had abandoned his family; the man he loved with all his heart, and all of his hopes and dreams, because the path he had been on hadn't been an easy one. The buck stopped here, as his boss was so fond of saying. It was time he took responsibility for where his life was headed.

***

Shaun and Emily Rhodes were spoiled as well. At thirteen and ten, they were smothered and surrounded by love and acceptance. They had their parents and their grandparents wrapped around their little fingers. However the sense of right and wrong that their Grandma Amy had instilled in their mother, and all of her children, had been passed down to them. Whether they were pre-disposed to compassion and justice was either genetic lineage or years of having it pounded into their sponge-like brains from the time they were old enough to listen. Shaun was proudly presiding over the presentation of his latest report card to his grandmother. She seemed happy today, a lot happier than he had ever seen her.

"Hey Grams, whose Honda is that parked outside." Shaun questioned while she was still glowing over his last quarter grades.

"Uncle Jeremy's," she responded quickly. "He just got her a couple of hours ago sweetie. He is upstairs resting."

Shaun's eyes dropped to the floor. His Uncle Jeremy was the family hermit. He had left home for Seattle the year after Shaun was born and even though he was Shaun's godfather, he didn't really remember him at all. His uncle sent him a birthday card every year with twenty bucks in it, but Shaun was under the impression that it was more of a bribe than birthday money. Instead of ever having to be a presence in Shaun's or any of his family's life, he simply sent money to buy what he hoped was their understanding.

Shaun thought he knew all there was to the story. He could repeat it verbatim if he had too. His mom and Grams had sat at that old, rickety avocado green kitchen table so many times talking about his "poor Uncle Jeremy" he felt like he was going to heave it if had to listen to it one more time. In Shaun's thirteen-year-old mind, his uncle was a creep. He had run out on the one person he was supposed to love more than anything in the world. Shaun had never known why he had run, but he always figured it was just because he was scared. Wouldn't anybody be scared though? Sometimes his compassion welled up enough that he felt sorry for his Uncle Jeremy. After all, realizing you are gay can be scary stuff.

Grams had finally told him most of the story last year when he had hinted to her that he might also be gay.

"Shaun, do you know how much I love you?" She had asked him after he hemmed and hawed for so long that there was an abyss between them so wide that the Titanic would have fit through it.

"Yep Grams, all around the world and back again." He smiled big, showing his gleaming teeth covered in those new clear braces. His love for his grandmother swelled inside him. She accepted him for what he was and never questioned his motives for any decision he ever made. With his parents, it had always been about rationalizations, with his Grams, it was simpler. Acceptance was her mantra. He knew if he told her his secrets, that she wouldn't judge him. He counted on it in fact.

"There's somebody at school that I like...a lot." His head tilted to the side in a coy gesture and he glanced up at her surreptitiously.

"Really, sweetheart, that's exciting." She reached for a plate of chocolate chip cookies that she had just made that morning.

Shaun was really nervous. The summer sun had caused his shirt to soak through on the ride over here, so at lease she really couldn't tell he was sweating about the conversation. He grabbed a cookie and shoved it in his mouth, and then he started talking again.

"Uh hu, I... ben... feelin funny ver since school started... so I thought... I ould come talk to you bout it."

Amy rolled her eyes at her grandson as she got up and reached into the refrigerator behind her and grabbed the milk. She poured him a big glass and set it in front of him. He recognized that he shouldn't have been talking with his mouth full and chuckled to himself at her tactics. His mom would have simply told him not to talk with his mouth full. He swallowed the milk and wiped his mouth with a paper napkin.

Her eyes were so full of understanding. But she'd been through this all before, hadn't she, with Uncle Jeremy. Shaun knew that his uncle was gay and that his family was very accepting of him. He was the one who couldn't handle it when he was young. So now he stayed away.

"Grams, its Justin...I think I like Justin." Shaun found that he was shaking a little bit. It was the first time he had really said it out loud.

She did exactly what he thought she would...she smiled at him; not a questioning smile, not a judgmental smile, not even a disappointed smile. A smile he knew was reserved especially for him.

"Have you told him?"

"No, not yet Grams. I think he's gay, but I'm not exactly sure." He thought a moment about the next question he had. He didn't want to pry, but it would be really great to hear about somebody else's experiences when they were coming out too. He sucked it up and blurted it out.

"Grams.... Um, I know that it's kind of private, but would you tell me about what happened when Uncle Jeremy came out?"

His grandmother studied him for a moment, considering his request. Shaun had inherited his father's blonde hair and combined with the greenish hazel eyes that ran on her side of the family, he was turning into quite a handsome young man. She knew that there was no way to protect him from the hurt he was likely to endure as a consequence of his God-given sexual preference. She ached though at the thought of watching him suffer the way Jeremy had when he was just a little bit older than Shaun. That whole year that he withdrew from everyone until he and Archer had worked their problems out the first time. And then there was the horrible breakup that they went through at the end when Arch had been completely devastated and Jeremy intentionally disconnected himself from his family. Yep, he still had major issues.

"Well Shaun that is kind of a private matter. And if you want to know specific details then you will have to ask your Uncle Jeremy. I will only tell you what I saw as an outsider to Jeremy and Archer's relationship that might help you in your journey, okay?"

Shaun's head nodded in agreement and she started to tell him the story of Jeremy's visits to the summer camp outside of Ashland and the year that he met Archer. She spoke about the ecstatic letters she and Gramps had gotten from their youngest son the year that he turned 15. He was having the time of his life and he had made a new friend. They were opposites in every aspect and yet they formed a special bond that summer. When he came home after the six weeks at camp he seemed withdrawn and distant. Everyone had tried to draw him out, to talk about all of the wonderful things that he had done while he was away. He had spoken with such exuberance in the letters that they had all expected a happy go lucky teenager when he returned. What they got was a sullen, obviously depressed young man.


"That next year was very hard for him Shaun. He wouldn't talk to anyone about what was bothering him and later I found out it was because he thought that we would all be unhappy about his feelings toward Archer. The two of them managed to work everything out and by the beginning of their next school year they were inseparable."

She sighed a bit. Shaun knew from all of the conversations that he overheard while he was growing up about Uncle Jeremy that Grams still felt that Jeremy and Archer belonged together. She told Shaun's mom that she believed each person had a soulmate; one other soul on Earth that completed them perfectly. Very clearly, she thought that Archer was Uncle Jeremy's soulmate.

"Shaun, honey look; you are a wonderful boy, excuse me, young man. You are talented and smart. You're a looker and you have a warm, compassionate heart. Be yourself sweetheart. Don't let people decide for you who or what you are going to be. Use your instincts, and let people in at your own discretion. If Justin is truly your friend, it will not matter one way or the other if he is gay. Whatever happens, just take it one step at a time."

Shaun thought about what she said. He had never even considered what he would do if Justin wasn't able to return his feelings. Now he thought that if that were the case and they couldn't be boyfriends, at least he could convince himself that they could still be friends. And that someday he would find his soulmate, but one thing was for sure, he wouldn't chase him away like his uncle had.

"Thanks Grams. I knew I could count on you."

"Yes you can Shaun, always."

***


Jeremy scanned the living room as he came down the stairs. His sister, Amber was sitting on their parent's couch with her daughter Emily curled up next to her. His nephew and godson, Shaun was hunched over the piano, tinkering with the keys. Jeremy had seen pictures of them over the years of course. Amber sent them every year in her Christmas card and she kept in touch with him via email so he was up to speed on everything that the kids were into. Shaun was in junior high and ran track, played in the school band and had a knack for writing. Just this year he had been chosen to write a sports column for the little school paper. Amber had been so proud of him that Jeremy could almost see the words glowing with pride as he read them on his computer screen.

Emily was in fifth grade and was a dancer. Pretty and petite, Jeremy thought that she looked just like his sister had as a child. Amber's husband John was an insurance salesman, just like Jeremy's dad and had been in the same office with him until Ted Sandler had retired a couple of years ago. Jeremy didn't see his brother-in-law anywhere and thought about all of the nights that they had eaten dinner without his dad because some policy or claim had come first. He must have had unresolved issues with this fact because suddenly he was angry at John for not being there with his wife and children.

As Jeremy reached the bottom of the stairs his father rounded the corner from the kitchen. You could have knocked him over with a feather from the look on his face. Ted Sandler stood rooted to the floor as he stared at his youngest son. Jeremy walked the short distance to him and when he got close enough he was surprised to see his dad open his arms. Not normally a demonstrative man, Ted hugged Jeremy tightly. Jeremy could hear him choking back tears. He sniffed softly and thumped Jeremy on the back.

"It's good to see you son." Ted said into Jeremy's ear before he let his son out of his grasp.

"You too dad," Jeremy whispered and appraised his father's appearance. Although it had been ten years since he had seen him, his mom had told Jeremy how much stress seemed to have taken its toll on his father. Jeremy could see the telltale signs. His face was worn like broken in leather and his brow was covered in canyons and valleys. His eyes looked tired and Jeremy could finally understand the burden his dad had carried in his eyes for all those years. Being a responsible adult was no easy task. And Jeremy hadn't even been living up to his responsibilities lately.

Ted Sandler sat down next to his granddaughter and his daughter on the living room sofa. He had been out all afternoon estimating the damage on a wreck that belonged to one of his old clients. Even though he had been retired for going on two years, his long-time friends and clients still depended on him to add his expertise to any situation that they were uncomfortable or skeptical.

Jeremy walked over to his sister and leaned over to kiss her cheek. Amber smiled at him and introduced him to Emily. She smiled a shy little-girl smile at him and tucked her head into her mom's armpit, blushing. What a cutie, Jeremy thought as he tickled her arm while she squirmed beneath him. He looked over to where Shaun was sitting. His nephew's head was down and he was still playing indiscriminately with the ivories. Jeremy felt the resistance radiating off of him. He wasn't sure what it was all about. He had tried to keep in touch with Shaun over the years, but like so much of his life lately, he had failed at even the simplest correspondence.

Jeremy reached the piano and sat next to Shaun on the narrow black bench.

"Hey buddy, I sure am happy to see you."

Shaun's eyes glared at him. "Really, how long you here for?"

Jeremy knew he deserved that. Shaun was obviously feeling neglected by a person that he would have traditionally been very close to. With Jeremy being Shaun's godfather as well as his uncle, his responsibilities to the boy had doubled. He had accepted the job when Amber asked him about it, even though he was only eighteen. Life had been happy and carefree then. He and Archer were still together and unaffected by anything outside of their families or each other.

"I don't know Shaun. I have a lot of things to work out. While, I am here though, I'd like for us to be friends. Would that be okay?" Jeremy waited for a quick-witted response.

"Yeah, I guess," was all Shaun bothered to reply.

"Okay, how about if we start right now?" He glanced at him mom, "how long until dinner?" She was always his cavalry.

"Bout a half hour. Why don't you boys go outside and get some fresh air while Amber and Emily and I finish everything up." She winked at Jeremy.

"What'd ya say Shaun, want to go for a walk with me?" Shaun shrugged his shoulders and got up from the bench. He knew it would be rude of him to refuse, but he still didn't want to go. If his Uncle Jeremy had really wanted to be his friend, he would have tried a lot harder, a long time ago.

They headed out the back door and Jeremy turned toward a path etched in the field heading in the direction of the railroad tracks. He and Archer would always walk along the tracks when they needed time to think or when they just wanted to be alone. The trains had stopped running through there twenty years before. Jeremy was unsteady on the old iron rails. His big feet, even in sneakers were not as nimble as they had been when he was sixteen or seventeen. He smiled to himself at the things that had changed since he left. He was an old man now, in his eyes and in Shaun's.

His young nephew walked a few paces in front of him. He had picked up a long willow branch on the path and was scraping it against the worn tracks as they went.

"Shaun" Jeremy said softly.

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry." There was no other way to get past this and he figured telling his nephew the truth was the best way to win back his trust.

"Sorry bout what?" Shaun said his back still to Jeremy.

Jeremy took a long step and caught Shaun's shoulder with his hand. "For not being here for you." Shaun stood there staring at Jeremy for a long minute.

"s okay Uncle Jeremy, I know you have an important job in Seattle and your own life up there." Shaun wasn't sure just how honest he should be with his uncle. His eyes reminded Shaun so much of Grams. Like a pool of calm, inviting water they lulled you into believing that you were safe and secure when you were with them. But Shaun knew his uncle's history all too well. At least he thought he did.

"mmm... I'm thinkin' about quitting that job." Jeremy confided in his nephew.

He hadn't told anyone what he was planning when he left Seattle. As he drove down the interstate this morning, he began to re-evaluate his priorities. Now, seeing Shaun and realizing what his disappearing act had done to his family, he needed no help to sort them out. Family was the most important thing in life; family and love. Of course, the love issue was going to take more than just an apology to fix. In order to make things work with Archer, if he could indeed find him and get him to listen to him, he would have to win back his trust. Prove that he wasn't going to run at the drop of a hat ever again.

Shaun was shocked. He stood there watching his uncle's eyes as he obviously considered what were very serious subjects.

"How come you want to quit?" Shaun asked him finally.

"It's a long story bud, but let's just say... I found out what was really important in life."

"Uncle Jeremy?" Shaun knew he shouldn't say anything about Archer, but he was just about bursting to know what was going on.

"Yeah buddy."

"Are you going to try to work things out with Archer?" Jeremy stared at the young boy in disbelief. After a moment, he laughed out loud.

"Grams been fillin you in on my wild youth, has she?" Shaun smiled at his uncle. He was beginning to see why Grams loved him so much. He was pretty funny.

"Nah, she just answered some questions for me last year when I asked her about you coming out." Shaun assumed he could figure it out from that clue.