The Polaris Effect Ch. 09

Chapter Nine – Floating

Gianna knocked softly on the door to her best friend's condo. She couldn't get him to answer the phone and he hadn't been at work in two days. Courtney, his assistant had called her in a panic when he hadn't shown up again this morning. She said she was worried. Prior to the conversation they had on the phone about him trying to find Jeremy again, Gianna herself would have been terrified too. But this wasn't going to be a repeat performance. It just couldn't be!

George and Landers huddled behind her as she put her key in the lock. None of them really knew what to expect. A sense of déjà vu passed over all three of them though. This exact scene had played out in front of them once before. Last year they found their friend practically lifeless and naked on his bedroom floor, empty prescription bottles lying next to him. Gianna was the only who could think or move. She had snatched up the phone in his bedroom and called 911. He had survived that attempt, but who knows if he had learned from his mistakes and really taken his life this time?

Archer heard the door open. Only one person had a key to his house, so Gianna must be worried and stopped by to check on him. He lay in a rumpled ball on the floor next to his bed, his tangled hair drooping over his face and his knees drawn up to his chin. He knew he should get up and take a shower, or make some coffee to bring him around, but somehow he just couldn't bring himself to move.

The three familiar faces appeared in the alcove separating his bedroom from the family room. They stood there with stricken looks on their faces and were all white as a sheet. He glanced up at Gia momentarily and then looked away again. He had let her down again. After promising to be there for her, to be the strong one; he had once again fallen into the pit of despair that paralyzed him beyond his control.

Gianna turned and whispered to the boys and they retreated into the family room. She approached him apprehensively, kneeling next to his mammoth shoulders and stroking his hair away from his face.

"Archer honey, what's wrong?" This pregnancy thing was really starting to make her feel like everybody's mother. She was a little scared of it.

He didn't answer her. The similarity to a whipped puppy in his eyes scared her even more. She turned and set her purse down at the end of the bed, removed her coat and lay down on the floor next to him. She inched her way toward him until she could feel his forehead under hers.

Guilt coursed through her veins, as she slowly ran her hand up and down his arm. His skin was cold to the touch under the shirt he had been wearing three days ago when he went with her to the clinic. She could only assume that he had done what they had talked about on that day. That he had tried to find Jeremy and now something had happened to put him back into this fragile state.

"Arch sweetheart, please tell me what's going on. Did you try to call Jeremy's mom? Did you finally talk to him?"

Gianna would have no way of knowing that she was barking up the wrong tree. She only knew what he was thinking of doing the last time they talked. There was no way she could have known about the phone call.

His voice creaked as he tried to say the words, "Europe…dead."


She gasped. Jeremy was dead? How was Archer ever going to deal with this, just when he had gotten the courage to try to find him? Now he would never be happy. A single tear slipped down her cheek.

"Oh Arch, I'm so sorry. When did he die sweetie?"

A curious expression crossed his face. Who did she think was dead?

"Her, not him." He croaked out a little more clearly.

"Her, who?" She was totally confused. She sat up and looked down at him.

"My mom." The sniffles took over again as he tried to wrap his brain around the fact that the woman who had given him life was dead at fifty-four years old.

Gianna let the air whoosh from her lungs. Oh thank goodness it wasn't Jeremy. She was slightly taken aback by Archer's revelation though. He had never been close to his parents as long as she had known him. But maybe hearing the baby's heartbeat at the clinic the other day had affected him more profoundly than he had admitted to her.

"Honey, your mom passed away?" She scooted back toward him and he slid his head into her lap. She idly patted his arm, giving comfort the only way she could.

"Mmm… dad called to tell me." He seemed to be coming around slightly. He should have just called Gia to begin with and then maybe he wouldn't be lying on this floor sweaty and greasy.

"When did he call sweetheart?" Gia continued to cuddle him close to her.

"I don't know, last night I guess…after I dropped you off." He methodically twisted one of the buttons on his sleeve until it came off in his hand.

"Archer that was three days ago." His head swiveled around and he looked into her eyes. He could see the strain and the worry there.

"Oh god G, I'm so sorry." He sat up quickly, his body was shaking and his mind was a jumble of mixed up emotions.

"I guess I shut down again, didn't I?" He wanted to cry, for his mom and for the sense of loss he felt when he thought of his life.

"It's okay Arch, it's understandable under the circumstances. Why don't you go see if you can grab a shower and I'll call your office and let Courtney know what's happened. She was really worried about you, hon."

Gianna started for the other room as she watched Archer stand tentatively.

"Do you want me to send one of the boys in to keep you company?" Archer winced at the thought of having to explain why he'd lost three days of his life to anyone else.

Registering the sour look, Gia withdrew her offer. "Okay, no problem, you want to be alone, but Arch…" She paused and got the desired effect. He looked directly at her. "Please call if there is anything you need, okay?"

He nodded and felt like a five year-old, but he knew that Gia's concerns weren't without merit. When he came out of one of these "blue funks" he was always remorseful. Rationally, his conscious mind told him that he could control this temporary "psychosis," but every time it happened, he now realized he had no control over it whatsoever. He had no idea that three days had passed since he had taken Gianna to the clinic and come home to the life-altering phone call from his father.

As he stood in the shower and let it cleanse his over-wrought body, he thought back to the last thing he could remember. He had just come in from dropping Gia off when the phone rang. He remembered the operator's French accent and his father's voice saying there was bad news and that was it. How had he gotten to the bedroom? How could he make it for three days with no food or water? Had he eaten or had he simply lain there for the entire time? One thing was clear, he needed to talk to Anne and find out why his meds weren't effective against this type of episode.

The shower had helped somewhat and at least now he was feeling slightly more human. As he emerged from the bedroom suite and wandered toward the kitchen, he was surprised to find Gianna waiting there alone with a small plate of toast, some orange juice and a bowl of cereal. He sat down and stared at the dishes.

She spoke quietly, "I sent the boys on their way honey. I swear they haven't slept in their own bed in a week. George's "mother hen" mode is in full swing with this baby thing."

His eyes showed his embarrassment. "Thanks G, this is all kind of hard to wrap my head around and I don't know how comfortable I would be talking about it to them?"

She came up next to him and tried to soothe him by rubbing his back. "Archer, look… you've had a shock. There is no reason you should blame yourself or condemn yourself for this whole thing. If you need to, call Anne and go talk to her about it, but don't let yourself wallow in self-pity anymore, okay? There is nothing you could have done to prevent this."

He was still having a difficult time with that whole concept though. The more he thought about what had happened, the more confused he got. Was it the fact that his mom was dead that truly had upset him and sent him over the edge of sanity? Or was it the fact that he had convinced himself that happiness was just around the corner with his decision to try and find Jeremy and now that wasn't going to happen?

His silence scared Gianna a bit. She had things she needed to do today, but she was a little bit uncomfortable leaving Archer alone, even though he seemed to be physically fine now.

"You're gonna be okay Arch." She reiterated.

"I know hon, I'll be fine. Just something else to work through." He reached back and patted her hand on his shoulder.

"If you'll bring me the phone, I'll give Anne's office a call right now and you can be on your way. I appreciate you pulling me back to reality Gia, I really do."

She laid the phone on his glass dining table and kissed his cheek. She knew that tone all too well and it meant that this was something he had to do by himself. No matter how much she loved him or cared about his well being, he was still an independent grown man and he didn't need her there any longer. It had stung the first time she fully realized there were parts of himself that he wasn't willing to share with her, but it had taught her one thing. The foolish crush that had grown in her heart as they became closer their first few years of college, was just that, a crush that couldn't be anything more. She was part of his life as just what she needed to be, his best friend.

She turned and picked up her coat and headed for the door. She glanced back to see his head bowing toward the table.

"Wait G…" He stood up and crossed the floor to his front door. "I'm sorry."

He wrapped her in a warm embrace and whispered in her ear. "Don't worry hon, it won't happen again, I promise. There's too much to live for now!"

A little gasp escaped her lungs without her realizing what she had done.

"I love you Arch. Take care of yourself, please. Not for me, or your dad, or even Jeremy. Do it for yourself Archer." Little tears had crept from her eyes and let the fear of what he might have done really settle for the first time. A shudder past through her body and he held her head in his big hands and looked deep into her eyes.

"I love you too Gianna. You have been my port in the storm these last few years and I don't know what I would have done without you. And I will, Gia. I will take care of myself." He kissed her forehead and hugged her one more time.

She pulled herself from him and walked outside into the cold November morning. She couldn't do anything else for him. She had to trust his words and hope above all, he could find the help he needed with his therapist. She had somebody else to worry about now! A little somebody who was causing her to feel awfully nauseated at the moment, or maybe it was just a premonition of dread and fear rolling through her.


***

Archer never called Anne. He went back through the door and grabbed his wallet and his keys. He was wearing khakis, a worn flannel shirt and his sneakers. He didn't reach for a jacket or even turn off the light in the living room, he just rushed out and got in his aging Volvo and drove. He had to get out of there. He had to find someplace to think. And he had to find Jeremy. He knew it now. His mom's life had been cut short at the midpoint. He only had twenty years or so until he hit that mark as well. There wasn't any more time to wonder what Jeremy would think or who he might be with? He had to do this now, before it was too late.

He pulled out of the small city and onto the freeway. Traffic was light for this normally congested road, but it was mid-morning and all of the commuters had made it to their destinations already. He drove northeast on the sprawling I-80 freeway until he reached the outskirts of the Bay Area. He crossed the Carquinez Bridge and passed through the growing suburbs of Solano County. Vallejo, Fairfield, Vacaville. They had all been sleepy bedroom communities when he started college, now they were cities all on their own. He had done the traditional trek to the beloved Pumpkin Patch at the Nut Tree with their scarecrow building contest a couple of times with the "Fearsome Foursome" in their early days at Berkeley, but as he approached the landmark he was sad to see that it had succumb to time as well. Cleared open space lay naked for all to see where there used to be an icon of a restaurant, toy shop and the actual train that pulled hundreds of thousands of kids and kids at heart around the property to the little airport at the back of the property. He shook his head in disgust as he turned off at the exit for Highway 5. The first sign he passed read, Redding, 250 miles. He could stop there if he needed gas or something to eat.

At first he was only driving. Driving to clear his head. Driving to give him something to do beside sit in that damned house and continue to go crazy. But he knew that's not what he was doing now. The cutoff at Highway 5 meant only one thing. He was headed to Oregon. He was going home! He couldn't kid himself anymore. Nothing else mattered now. The need for Jeremy was so strong that he could almost feel him again, the need for peace so immense that he could hear his soft voice, loving him once more. He knew he should try to call Amy and see what was going on first. That showing up on her doorstep was rude and unacceptable, but this was Amy he was talking about. No need to stand on ceremony with her. If there was anyone who accepted life as it was given, it was Amy Sandler. He would call her from Yreka that should give her plenty of time to get over the shock before he got to Ashland.

It had started to rain somewhere outside of Redding and so he did decide to stop and get gas. There was a restaurant inside of the Red Lion Inn on the edge of town and he had been there a couple of times when he was a kid, so he figured he would at least get a cup of tea and maybe a piece of pie to stay him until he got to Ashland.

He finished his pie and used the restroom again before leaving. He started the car and headed back toward the highway. The stretch before Redding was sparse and dotted only with occasional farms and very small towns, but this part of the journey had always been his favorite. The edge of the Lassen National Forrest skirted the route and the drive through Mt. Shasta was always scenic. But now in the middle of November it was dark around five and as he glanced at the emblazoned blinking of the green on the clock in his dash, he saw that it was almost four in the afternoon. He worried suddenly if it had snowed yet this year? If it was snowing on the mountain he could get stuck paying one of those hacks a hundred bucks to put his chains on for him? He was in no shape to do it, himself!

He stopped worrying and just drove. He would just have to deal with whatever came up at this point. Nothing was going to stop him from getting to Ashland now. He turned on the radio and scanned for a station. He had the volume turned up to hear what each station was, but when one finally came into range it blasted through the speakers. Eeeh gad, that new age crap that the girls always listened to at Gianna's place. Her name in his sub-conscious suddenly made him flinch a bit. He should have called her, but this was more important now. He would call her after he talked to Amy.

The music was soft and eerie. Something about it held him there. The singer's lyrics began and the words hung in the air like fireflies buzzing around him on a summer night. Thick and haunting, brushing past him and creating a cobweb of memories in his brain…

I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around disappears

just you and me
on this island of hope
a breath between us could be miles

Tears streamed down Archer's pale face as he continued up the highway in the dark. When it was finished the DJ's bubbly, excited voice announced… That was Sarah McLachlan with her song "I Love You" from the Live CD, Mirrorball *.

He couldn't understand why it had hit him so hard, but then as he started to consider the lyrics, he finally rationalized why he was so upset. When he started driving this morning, he hadn't considered what he would do or say if Jeremy was indeed in love with another person after all these years? Suddenly morose and distracted at the proposition of all of this falling apart at the seams, he felt the vehicle swerve underneath him. There was ice on the road coming down the far side of the mountain. The dark blue Volvo caught the side of a steep embankment and he heard the crunch of sheet metal bending. He tapped his brakes and hoped that he could stop in time for the worst to be avoided. The right front tire hopped a few feet and he skidded to a stop askew from the slow lane of traffic.

He cursed himself under his breath and carefully opened his door when the traffic in his rearview mirror was clear. He crossed in front of the car and noticed that one of his headlights had been damaged as well. Shaking his head in disgust, he rounded the corner and looked down the side of the battered machine. A three-foot crease practically folded the passenger door in half! Okay, maybe he was being dramatic, but there was a sizeable dent there. The damage to the car really didn't matter to him. The car was old and it was not on any of his priority lists right now, only getting to Ashland and finding out where Jeremy was, was foremost in his mind. He started down the side of the car to look closer at the door. His feet came out from under him and in a millisecond he found himself on his back.

He groaned out loud and lay there momentarily cursing everything in sight. This is why he moved away from Northwest… yeah right! That was a crock and he knew it.

Just get up Arch, just get up!

Easier said than done though! He struggled for a minute and propped himself up on one elbow. The ice was getting his pants all wet and he was sure he was probably quite dirty by now too. A sharp pain flared in his right hip and he winced as a freezing wind picked up and blew past him, making him shiver. He realized he didn't have a jacket or any other clothes. Okay, this was just getting to be too much. He thought he was going to cry, but with a little bit of determination he was able to stop himself.

He righted himself and took small, careful steps back to the driver's side of the car, waited for traffic and opened the door to get in. His pants and boxers were soaked clear through and it made the prospect of driving the last hundred miles rather uncomfortable. Not to be thwarted by the evil of the winter roads, he turned the engine over and prayed that nothing else was damaged. The Volvo sputtered its normal stagnant cough and sputtered to a start just as it always had. Archer silently thanked whatever deity was responsible for his fate and pulled out into the sparse traffic.

Wind was whistling in from the dented door as he got up to the 65 mph speed limit in the slow lane, so Arch cranked the heat up and hoped it would dry the seat of his pants as well as keep him from freezing to death. There was a rest stop coming up on the right as he approached the lights of Yreka, so he pulled in. He just needed to pull himself together enough to call Amy and not scare the pants off of her. He knew his voice was shaky and he felt out of sorts. He remembered that he hadn't taken his meds this morning in all of the turmoil and he didn't have all of them with him. His pack that he normally carried everywhere was in the backseat and it had the one bottle of Topomax in it, but not his Welbutrin, since he only took that one in the morning before he left for work. It was the combination of the two that kept him even.