The Polaris Effect Ch. 10

Chapter Ten- The Act of Reconciliation

The priest knew everyone who came into the old church at the edge of the trendy community on the border of the Golden State. He had been there thirty-five years, by today's standards, an eon. Church policies these days didn't cater to any one priest getting too comfortable in his parish, it could lead to emotional attachments; something the political body in Rome frowned upon.

As he entered the sanctuary, he genuflected in front of the great bronze representation of the risen Christ ascending to Heaven through a circular ring-of-fire suspended from the ceiling. One of the local artisans had donated the sculptures to St. Mary's back in the seventies and the old man had appreciated its beauty to this day.

He silently said a prayer of Thanksgiving to himself and his Lord as he turned to make his way to the confessional for morning reconciliation. Sitting in the very first pew was a massive bedraggled-looking man. He didn't recognize this stranger. An array of reddish-golden curls fell in a deluge around his face, which rested in the cradle of his hands. Fr. Bill had seen his share of bereavement in his fifty some-odd years. He had been a quiet, resolute man all of his life and was someone many people in his parish and even outside of it, came to trust and depend on. His talent for passively listening as someone spilled their inner most soul to him and then keeping it to himself, marked him as an ally to some and an enemy to others.

So as not to disturb the man, he paddled down the carpeted steps with care. Resting his hand on the pew in front of him he spoke in his normally soft baritone voice.

"Can I help you son?" The old priest had many good qualities and his compassion and love of humanity were the best of all of them. He had come to the rescue of many a weary traveler on their journey to redemption or even just to acceptance of themselves. He never judged them; for he felt that only God was allowed to judge his creations and that decisions regarding guilt or innocence were futile in his efforts to restore joy to the human soul.

The man was obviously distraught and Fr. Bill could hear him rasping in soft sobs under the curtain of his hair. He waited patiently for this troubled man to speak to him.

"I'm sorry Father, I'm not even Catholic." The man's hoarse voice confirmed for him that he was it the throes of some deep despair.

Fr. Bill rounded the corner of the pew and sat next to the harried looking vagabond. "My son, God does not judge you based on what faith you practice and neither do I. If it's comfort you seek, then you've come to the right place." The man peaked at him through the veil of curly reddish locks.

"Father, does God judge you if you have completely screwed up your life and have so many sins that you can't count them?" The priest took the man's hand and spoke the tried and true words he depended on to help people to first find forgiveness in their own hearts.

"God; my son, forgives anyone who wants with their whole heart to be forgiven. As long as you have the desire to be forgiven and the intention not to sin again, then yes you can be forgiven anything."

The man shuttered visibly. "Even being gay, Father?"

"Oh, not this again?" The old man thought to himself. "The mother Church and their ancient wisdom! Damn them anyway, he had counseled enough boys (and girls) questioning their sexuality in his long career to know the answer to this one by heart."

"Son, let me tell you something, God created us, the Bible says, to be in his image. He sent his only living son to die for our sins on the cross. He loves us ALL, I repeat all of us with his entire being or he would not have given us the beauty and love and joy that this planet certainly has to offer. Human beings are born to have companions. We function best in this world when we have another soul to share our joys and our sorrows with. We find happiness in camaraderie and family. Even a celibate old man like me knows that love is the reason that we are here. To share love, to spread love, to love God and to love each other."



He took a long deep breath and continued, "Even though the church itself says that it does not condone homosexual relationships, my personal belief is that if your live as a generous, giving human being; God will reward you; gay or straight, fat or thin, man or woman, black or white, Muslim or Christian, just the same."

The man's head rose from its stooped stance and met the old priest's eyes.

"What if I told you that I've tried to kill myself twice in the past year?"

The priest's heart trembled in his chest for the poor young man seated next to him.

"Well, I would have to say that God did not intend for you to leave this life yet, if you were not able to accomplish your goal at the time. Apparently there is something in this life that He wants you to stick around for." Father Bill never looked away. The storm in the young man's eyes seemed to settle a bit.

"I think I may know what that something might be, Father. Would you be willing to make a phone call for me?"

***

Amy puttered around the house waiting for Jeremy to bring Shaun back from his baseball game. Things seemed to be getting harder around here instead of easier. She worried about Archer and where he could possibly be. The call from Jim Finklin yesterday had been a shock all in itself. The fact that Cathy could possibly be dead at such a young age was unnerving to her. After all, Cathy was younger than Amy herself by almost ten years. The hard work Cathy had put into becoming a doctor was rewarded with a thriving practice and along with her husband's law firm, the Finklin's never wanted for much in recent years. They had spent the last five years traveling around Europe. Amy wondered whether their jet-set lifestyle could have ultimately been the cause of Arch's mom's heart attack, but since she was not in the habit of judging anyone based on their lifestyle, she simply felt sad.

Sad and worried was what she was. Jim had given her a number in Berkeley for Archer's best friend. While talking to Arch's dad they discussed the hardships that Archer had experienced in the past few years. Amy was almost beside herself with worry after she had talked to his best friend, Gianna who told her that Archer had disappeared two days after he got the news of his mother's death. She just couldn't bring herself to tell Jeremy. She knew that he would launch himself into a frenzied emotional hurricane if he thought that Archer was in trouble. But in truth, she knew that she wasn't going to be able to keep it from him for much longer.

Gianna told her she was pretty sure that Archer was heading for Ashland. That they had talked at length in the days preceding the sad news of Archer's mom about him trying to get in touch with Jeremy again. This singular piece of exceptional news far outweighed the fact that if Archer had been driving to Ashland from Berkeley, he should have been here long before now.

The dusting rag skimmed the surface of each piece of furniture she shifted to. When she was nervous, she always cleaned the house. If Jeremy caught her in one of her whirlwinds, he would certainly know that something was wrong. The two of them had always managed to read each other's thoughts and mannerisms like a comfortable old paperback. As she picked up her polish and cloth to go and store it in the laundry room, the phone rang. She sprang for the one in the kitchen and dropped the contents of her hands on the old dinette table. The voice she heard was rather unexpected.

"Amy? This is Father Bill at St. Mary's." The soft baritone of his voice had always been a huge source of comfort to her, even though she had stopped going to church when it became apparent that the Catholic Church didn't have its heart in the right place on the issues of homosexuality and equality for ALL of God's creatures.

"Oh, hello Father. What can I do for you?" She couldn't imagine that he would be hitting her up for a charity drive since she hadn't been inside the church in over nine years.

"I have someone here that would like to talk to you." He said and she heard the phone shuffling between hands.

"Amy?" Her tears welled up instantly. The voice could only belong to one person.

She choked them back the best she could and sputtered in the phone. "Archer, honey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think I will be now. Can you come and get me, Mom?" Amy couldn't help it she sobbed outwardly and stifled it just as quickly as she grabbed for a tissue from the box that seemed to have taken up residence on her kitchen table.

"I'll be right there sweetheart." She said goodbye and grabbed her purse. She didn't have time to write a note to Jeremy and knew that she couldn't explain even if she did.

Amy ran to her old Buick and started it. She knew that she had to calm down or the winding road to town could be treacherous. She slowly backed the car out of the driveway and made herself observe the thirty-five mile an hour speed limit, even though she wanted to fly to the church. Luckily after years of attending services there she knew the quickest shortcuts to take. It took her at least fifteen minutes to get there and the whole time she thanked God for helping to bring Archer home to them safely.

The parking lot to the old church looked mostly the same after all these years. She pulled up to the side entrance and careened off of the door as she entered the vestibule. She quickly dipped her fingers and crossed herself out of habit and looked around the interior of the dimly lit church to find her long-lost lamb.

They sat in the back near the confessionals. Father Bill was talking quietly to him as she approached them. Archer was so much taller than the priest that Father Bill resembled a small boy when Amy first saw them. She rounded the back of the pews and ran the last few steps to her self-proclaimed son. He stood, towering over her and pulled her into his arms. Her feet left the floor and her heart pounded with relief. She was scared at how scruffy he looked and thought that his face looked as though he had been in a fight. They both were weeping furiously and couldn't vocalize anything past their pure joy at seeing each other again.

Father Bill cleared his throat and excused himself. He told them that the church doors were locked from the outside, but when they were ready to leave, they could go out the side door without any trouble.

Archer finally let go of her and they sat down in the weathered-looking, oak pew.

She realized she had left her purse in the car and didn't have any tissues to wipe her nose. She started to lift her sleeve to her nose and Archer stopped her and reached into his shirt pocket. He handed her the tissue and she wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

"Oh baby, I am so glad that you're okay. I was so worried about you. "

His eyes were extremely blood-shot and he looked like he hadn't slept in days; which in fact he hadn't. "I know mom, I've been worried about me too."

She held his hand and squeezed.

"Archer, what happened to your face honey?"

"It's a long story… I think better left for another time." He didn't want to put her off really, but the urgency to find out about Jeremy wasn't going to last through the long explanation of his recent tribulations.

"I need to know," he started searching her eyes for some kind of comfort and the answers to the questions that burned in his soul.

"Where is he? Does he know I'm here?"

She didn't know where to start. "He came home from Seattle the other day. He doesn't know you're here and he's worried sick about you. Your dad called yesterday and told us about you mom. I'm so sorry sweetheart! I think he also thought you would be there, but I said I hadn't heard from you." She squeezed him into another hug.

Archer's thoughts swirled around and the tension was almost palpable. Amy could see how upset and confused he was.

"Why did he come home in the first place?" And then he finally choked out the one question that scared him the most. "Is he with anybody?"

"No honey, he's not with anybody else. Jeremy hasn't been home in almost ten years Arch, ever since you split up. He couldn't handle the memories."

He sniffed, "or the guilt."

She smiled her comforting, forgiving smile at him, "or the guilt."

She wasn't going to apologize for her son, she would let him take care of that part, but at least she could tell him that there was remorse as well as love in Jeremy's heart.

"Honey, look; I know that he hurt you and I know that you have been having a really rough time this past year. You two have a lot of old baggage to clean up. You have ten years worth of silence and misunderstandings to deal with, but there is one thing that I think you ought to know; that you have the right to know. Jeremy loves you Archer, with all of his heart. He never stopped loving you and he has taken his share of lumps lately for the mistakes he made when he was still a very young man."

Archer was shaking. His hands were sweating in Amy's light grasp and his brain was coming to terms with the reality of actually being so close to Jeremy after all this time. He had to stop himself. Wasn't she was saying what he wanted to hear? He told Anne less than a week ago, that he wanted to tell Jeremy that above all, if he still felt anything for him that he would forgive him and try to make things work. Now though, with the man he loved for most of his life, less than fifteen minutes drive from here, he was scared. What if it happened again? What if they got back together and Jeremy got scared or bored or even fell out of love with him? Archer knew psychologically that he couldn't handle that. But he also knew he couldn't go on living with the knowledge that he had the chance to make amends with Jeremy and didn't. And he had a promise to keep. He had to be true to himself and that meant admitting that he wanted Jeremy back, no matter what the terms were.

What had Father Bill said? "God forgives anyone who truly wants to be forgiven in his heart."

Archer knew that he had to tell Jeremy first that he forgave him and then they could work on the next step.

He looked into Amy's eyes and implored without the use of words.

"Yes honey, I'll take you to him."

***

Shaun had begged Jeremy to bring Justin back to Grams with them after the game. The boys had been a bundle of nervous energy all the way home. They sat in the back of Jeremy's Honda, fidgeting, squirming and laughing the entire way. He marveled at how similar they were to him and Archer when they first found each other. Shaun had made his uncle promise that he wouldn't tell anyone about his secret. The boy knew that he needed to tell his parents, but he wanted to do it on his own terms, so Jeremy kept quiet. He needed to reinforce Shaun's trust in him and outing him to his parents certainly wouldn't accomplish that. Having lived through exactly what Shaun was feeling and exhibiting though, Jeremy thought privately that if his sister saw the two of them like this, she would figure it out in a flash. After all, she had grown up watching two boys falling in love with each other; she would most certainly be able to recognize it in her own son.

They pulled into the driveway of his parent's old farmhouse. His mom's car was gone and he wondered where she might have gone? It was close to dinnertime and she was notorious for wanting to eat on time when they all gathered together. He started to worry almost immediately when they got inside the house. Her dusting rag and furniture polish lay askew on the kitchen table. The back door had been unlocked and there was no note and there were no lights on anywhere in the house. Of course, Jeremy couldn't let on that he was worried. He turned on the lights and sent the boys upstairs to play on the computer in his room. He was getting ready to call his sister to see if she knew where mom had gone, when he heard a car in the driveway. He peaked out the wide kitchen window above the sink into the darkening grey winter dusk and saw her car pull up next to his.

Everything seemed to slow to a crawl at that moment. As he looked from her side of the car to the passenger side, he saw a tall redheaded man step from her fading burgundy Buick. He knew in his heart who it had to be, but his brain refused to register the facts. He saw the gait, which was unmistakable. His eyes scanned the length of the body and recognized the lines and curves much the same as they had always been. It was too good to be true though, so he turned away from the window as if to say that no; it was only his imagination… a mirage.

Time finally returned to normal, as the kitchen door opened slightly. He could hear his mom's soft soothing voice coaxing the visitor inside. Reassuring him that everything would be okay. She came in and stood there with the door open, her hand on the doorknob. Jeremy noticed that she was wearing house slippers and his brain silently acknowledged that she must have left in quite a hurry. His gaze wandered up toward her face, searching for her smile, to reassure him that it was truly whom he thought it was and found her beaming at him. Her eyes told him everything he needed to know. What he had been searching for the last ten years was standing outside his parent's kitchen on the first step, the first step to the rest of his life.

Archer crested the doorframe and barely made it inside without hitting his head. As his eyes adjusted to the light and he saw Jeremy standing in front of the sink, his chest quivered. Jeremy crossed the five or so steps to where they were standing in an instant. He took his mom's right hand and bent to whisper that Shaun and Justin were upstairs in his room. She kissed her son's cheek and reached for Archer's hand. He grabbed it in return and squeezed in acknowledgment of her unspoken well wishes.

Their eyes met at last when she left the kitchen and headed for the second level. The turmoil behind them was enough to scare each of them into utter silence, but Jeremy was determined to get this over with. His guilt and shame had tortured him for too long to let this wait one more moment.

He opened his arms and waited.

Archer suddenly had the debate of the ages playing at hyper-speed in his mind. His head was saying wait, hold back, be sure, but his heart was screaming let go, go to him, complete it, find the love he had been so desperate to reclaim.

It didn't last long, Archer took a small step and Jeremy's arms were around him. Archer flinched and Jeremy pulled back to look into his eyes. Jeremy's senses picked up that Archer was indeed completely distraught.

But nothing could stop him from finally getting to say the words he had run over in his mind a hundred times since yesterday.

"Arch, I have waited so long to tell you how sorry I am for what I did to you." Jeremy could feel the tremors of pain coursing through his body.

"I lied to myself when I said that I couldn't build a life with you. I was scared and childish and spoiled and I know that I hurt you beyond words."

He tried to get closer again. He almost whispered into his old lover's ear, not wanting the sound to upset him. "I know that I can't expect you to trust me again, but I want you to know that I love you. I never stopped loving you. I want us to be together and I will do whatever it takes to prove that to you, if you'll let me?"

Archer sniffled softly and Jeremy saw tears tracking down his haggard face. He reached up and brushed one away. Arch caught his hand and held it there

His words rasped against Jeremy's ear. "I love you too." Was all Archer could manage to say before Jeremy saw his knees giving way.

Jeremy backed across the kitchen and managed to pull a chair out from the table and help Archer into it. He kneeled down in front of him and held Archer's strong hands in his own, but Archer was shaking as he tried to talk.