The Psychology of my Submission

I have always yearned for a man to take what he wanted from me. Even the thought of it makes my juices flow. I am sexually charged even by denial of sexual pleasure if it is done in the context of sexual domination. Even some pain and humiliation, if done for the sexual pleasure of the alpha male is too arousing for me to deny.

Looking for a man to offer my submission is an ordeal. Although I want to be used, abused, humiliated, tested, tortured and treated like a slave, I have no death wish. I love my family and friends. I don't seek isolation or physical impairment.

A master must make me feel humble, low and sexual. A Master must take me as his own will demands, but leave me with no personal pleasure other than knowing he has used me to the best of HIS own pleasure. I want to be used so that I am left in tears, unsatisfied, in pain, hungry, tired, humiliated... in a state of constant awareness that I am nothing but his toy, not a real human being.

This sounds sick to many. Let me assure you that I am a perfectly healthy adult. I have no history of mental illness, no history of sexual or physical abuse in childhood or adulthood, no anti-social behavior, no lack of religion or morality. I just equate sexual arousal and fun with the "game" of submission and masochism. Just as one is aroused by having her toes sucked or kind words spoken to her, I am aroused by the idea of having a man tie me up and rape my ass, then piss on me like I were nothing to him.

I don't really enjoy being pissed on, but the effect it has on the scene is priceless. It is an act that tells the sub that she is low. It humiliates and reinforces the hierarchy. The act is repulsive to me, but the effect is arousing. I have no individual desire to submit to water sports, but love the idea of being forced to endure it. The fact that it would be done for Master's pleasure and my submission to him, is more than enough reason for me to willingly endure it.

As for having my ass raped. The pain can be brutal and intense. I would scream and cry. Does that sound like the reaction of one who is enjoying the sex? No. But the act of the sodomy, the brutality of the force, the lack of ability to defend my self all give a very arousing picture of submission. I love to be so defenseless and selfishly used. The pain is a price I would pay for the pleasure of such use. If it pleases Master that I scream and cry, than I expect him to make me scream and cry. I expect that I will endure the pain for him. When he leaves me tied up, raw, sobbing and dirty, I feel like I have fulfilled my ultimate duty. My thighs are soaked with my juices. My nipples (especially if properly abused as well) are hard, I am left wanting more. These are all signs of a good slave in my opinion.

What Master wouldn't want his slave to always want him? To always be there for whatever use he desired? To endure whatever he desired in spite of her personal denial, pain and humiliation? In fact, this idea sounds wonderful to me as a dominant person as well. Maybe I, too, want to have such utter control over another. It sounds like fun. Not just a reckless fun, but a truly wonderful hobby. Of course my desire to submit far out weighs my desire to dominate. It is not a hobby in my mind, but a deep desire.

Above, I referred to this all as a game. It is not. One runs the risk of injury, death, disease and social reprisal. It is a risk (although risk understates the danger) to place yourself so defenselessly underneath another with such sadistic desires. The thrill of that too is arousing, but often times puts off such real and total pleasure. Many slaves substitute masturbation and fantasies for the real interaction with a Master. Some turn to cyber sex. Some fall victim to the risks. But it is a driving force in our sexuality. It is a place where we find profound arousal. It is not unhealthy if in the proper context and done safely. But again, the burning contradiction is the arousal in spite of the apparent lack of safety. Hmmmm, how shall we solve that conundrum? If you find out, please tell everyone!