tagHumor & SatireThe Real Buffy Ch. 02

The Real Buffy Ch. 02



The stories in the "Celebrity" section of Literotica are all fictional parodies - none are true, nor are they approved of by the celebrities named in the stories. Authors write these fictitious stories about famous people for the same reason that Larry Flynt made fun of Jerry Falwell, because they can. The Supreme Court of the United States, the country where this site is located, has ruled that parodies involving famous people are perfectly and totally legal under the United States Constitution. The specific case law on this was decided in the case of "Hustler Magazine, Inc. et al. v. Jerry Falwell" in 1988. No harm is intended toward the celebrities featured in these stories, but they are public figures and in being so, they must accept that they are fair target for parodies by the public. We believe in the first amendment, and more broadly, in the basic principle of free speech and this section may push the boundaries of that principle, but the United States Supreme Court has approved of this type of material. We believe that the Supreme Court was correct in their decision.


I was in my study reading a book patiently waiting when the door suddenly burst off its hinges and flew into the room. I flinched slightly. That door was part of the original house and wouldn't be cheap to replace.

Beatrice the Vampire Slayer stood in the opening while her version of the Scooby Gang rushed into the room with impressive speed and spread out. They each looked dangerous in their own way and they were all obviously ready for action. I smiled. Finally!

"You know, it wasn't locked," I sighed, looking at Beatrice. "I've been expecting you for nearly twenty minutes. What? Did you get lost after passing the front gate?"

"Sorry about the door," Beatrice shrugged. "I was hoping for a surprise attack."

"Please!" I said a bit annoyed. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to sneak up on a vampire in his lair?" Before the Slayer could reply one of the others spoke up.

"Oh hey! You didn't say that he was cute!" the redhead giggled as she looked at me. She was bouncing a blue ball on energy between her hands.

"Willow, not now!" Beatrice sighed loudly. "He's a dangerous vampire and we have to kiss...I mean kill him!" I remembered our last encounter and smiled. She saw my expression and blushed. Beatrice knew what I was thinking.

"He does look yummy!" the sexy brunette put in at she looked over the crossbow she had pointed at my heart. "I wouldn't mind kissing him."

"Cordelia, will you please stay focused!" Beatrice snapped.

"Qu...Qu...Quite right!" the eldest member of the party stuttered. He was balding and potbellied. I know I'm supposed to be the 'undead' in this story, but he had a far more deathlike pallor than me.

"You th...th...think so?" a dark haired young man holding a sword taunted cruelly.

"Xander, stop being such a dick!" the short red haired guy standing next to the old man put in. "Leave Giles along. You know he doesn't like it when Buffy makes him come with."

"That's because he's chicken shit!" Xander complained. "I wish we had the television version of him with us. That guy can kick ass!"

"And you think the rest of us wouldn't like to have the television version of you?" the red haired young man asked. "You may fight better, but at least the TV version seems fun to have around."

"Fuck off Wolfie!" Xander sneered. The shorter boy growled and his eyes flashed red. Xander seemed unimpressed. "Don't even think about it!" he warned. "It's not your time of the month. I'll kick your furry little ass!"

"Xander," Beatrice said calmly. The dark haired young man ignored her until she grabbed hold of his arm and twisted. "Enough. We have work to do."

"Okay! Okay!" Xander cried until she let go. He rubbed his elbow as he turned to me and said, "I love it when she gets physical. She's a real dynamo in bed!" He was grinning now.

I didn't bother to comment, but something in my expression must have given my thoughts away. Xander's raised one eyebrow and then turned toward the red haired young man again. "It looks like you're the only guy in the room that she hasn't done the dirty with. I guess it makes sense. Buffy was never much of a dog person. Of course, you would think she'd be willing to take you for a walk at least once considering that she even gives Giles a ride occasionally."

"That's it!" the shorter guy retorted. "You're toast!"

I could see hair sprouting from the visible parts of his body as his eyes turned blood red. His jaw extended and his hands became more doglike with long, sharp claws. He howled loudly as he transformed. I could empathize. That had to hurt! On the other hand, I was also a bit annoyed. He was making such a racket that I'm sure the neighbors would complain.

"So," Xander sneered once more. "Has the little doggie learned a new trick?"

Xander raised the sword he was carrying slightly, but that was about the extent of his reaction. I had to give this guy credit. It wasn't every man who could stand up to a werewolf without shitting himself.

"I'm going to rip your throat out!" the werewolf growled. His voice was deeper, angrier and certainly more threatening.

"You just try it!" Xander snapped. "This sword has enough silver in it to make werewolf winnies out of you!" They lunged at each other. I looked on in interest.

I was a little disappointed when Beatrice stepped between their surging forms and threw them both across the room into opposite walls. She had obviously regained her strength since our last encounter.

"Xander, Oz, you will stop this right now!" she said as if talking to children.

"I really wish you'd stop calling me Oz," the werewolf sighed as he stood. He was starting to flow back into his human state, but I noticed he didn't lose the hair. "I don't see why all of you insist on being called by those ridiculous television names! I prefer my real name."

"Let it go Sean," Beatrice said with a loud sigh and then finally turned to me.

"So, now you've met the Scooby Gang," she said, suddenly finding it hard not to grin. "It's not quite what you expected, is it?" I opened my mouth to reply, but was cut off when another young woman stumbled into the room.

"Wait for me!" she cried as she hit the ground.

"Did you have to let her come?" Xander grumbled.

"Xander, you were a lot nicer last night when I was..."

"I don't want to hear it!" Beatrice said quickly. Dawn was old enough to make her own decisions and mistakes. She was no longer in school and paid her fair share of the rent. As far as Beatrice was concerned, that made her an adult. The Slayer tried hard to forget the fact that Dawn was her little sister at times like this. It wasn't easy.

"I was just kidding Dawny," Xander said.

"Don't believe him," Willow said, causing everyone to look her way. I actually did a double take. She had her pants open and she was using one hand to play with herself. The oddest part was that no one else seemed to notice. "He's a lying bastard!"

"You've just never forgiven me for taking your virginity!" Xander sneered.

"Please!" Willow said sarcastically. "You weren't even close to being my first!"

"You were mine. It wasn't particularly romantic in your parent's basement with your mother's nagging voice screaming down the stairs every few minutes, but you did take my virginity," Cordelia put in. "Not very well mind you, but gone is gone."

"Fuck you!" Xander cried.

"You're not man enough," she taunted. Xander took a step toward her, earning himself another trip across the room and into the wall from Beatrice.

"Sometimes, I really wonder why I bring you guys along," the Slayer sighed loudly.

"B...B...Buffy, I thought you said we were here to k... k... kill Dracula?" Giles asked with a frown.

"That's him," she said, pulling her favorite wooden stake from her sleeve and waiving it in front of my face. I smelled an interesting scent.

"It's seems you use Mr. Pointy for a bit more than killing vampires," I laughed.

"I do not!" Beatrice cried, blushing madly.

"I can smell your sex on it."

"It must have been Willow!" Beatrice said quickly.

"Ew! Yuck!" the redhead cried. "I may be a nympho, but even I wouldn't stick that thing inside me!"

"Don't look at me," Cordelia said quickly. "I prefer something a bit larger than that."

"Beatrice, I didn't say I smelled a woman," I smirked. "I said I smelled you. I never forget the scent of a woman once I've had her."

"I did not..." she began to cry, but Giles interrupted.

"This is n... n... not Dracula!" he interjected. "Dra..Dra..Dracula has blond hair."

"That's Drac junior," Beatrice sighed and explained. "This is his father. The original Dracula!"

"Cool!" Willow cried, looking at me like I was lunch. "I would love to see how the original reacts to a little pussy!"

"Little? Please!" Xander said snidely. "Your pussy is so stretch out by now that even Wolfie won't fuck you anymore!"

"Oh, he still comes around every once in a while," Willow said, not sounding particularly offended by Xander's words. "In fact he visited during the last full moon. It was quite a time! It took me days to get all the hair out of my teeth!"

"You!" Dawn snorted. "I still have fang marks!"

"We need to talk later," Beatrice said to her sister. If Dawny was hanging out with Willow and Oz as well as Xander, then maybe it was time for a big sister talk despite the Slayer's promise to stay out of her little sister's affairs.

"Will you all please be quiet!" Giles snapped without stuttering for the first time. He turned to Beatrice. "Are you trying to tell me that you brought all of us here to help you kill the father of all vampires?"

"I think we're up for it," Beatrice said with false confidence. I'd already proven my ability to best her during our last encounter.

"My dear," Giles said, no longer sounding like a frightened little man. "You've missed three important facts. First, you've vastly underestimated the amount of firepower we'd need to take out the original Dracula. You really should have read the tomes I provided after you faced Vlad junior. They had a font of information that you would have found useful." Buffy rolled her eyes, but Giles seemed not to notice as he continued.

"Second, this gentleman is on the Watcher's 'Non Caedo' list. It's against the rules to kill anyone on that list."

"I know that!" Beatrice said nervously. "I just figured he was on it because he was so powerful. I know we can take him if we all work together!"

"This group?" Giles asked in disbelief, gesturing to the others.

The Vampire Slayer looked around and noticed Xander and Oz pushing each other once again. Willow was kissing Dawn's neck from behind and rubbing the youngest Scooby's breasts. Dawny was not fighting it. Beatrice shook her head and was obviously distracted and searched until she found Cordy. The dark haired beauty was wrapped around my arm whispering rather interesting ideas into my ear.

"That's it! All of you get out!" Beatrice cried. "I'll do the job myself! I'm ready this time!" She took a threatening step toward me. Cordelia backed away.

"I really think we have better things to do with our time than fight," I sighed.

"Me too!" Cordelia put in. She was still looking at me as if she'd love to try some of the thing she suggested. Truth be told, so would I.

"I'm the Vampire Slayer!" Beatrice cried. "And I'm going to slay you!" She leapt at me. Giles stepped between us at the last second. Beatrice damn neared killed herself avoiding him. She ended up landing on her shoulder hard.

"I'm afraid that's not possible," he said, his sweat glistening in the candlelight. For a coward, he could be awful gutsy. I wouldn't have wanted to try that.

"But..." Beatrice began.

"Buffy, he's on the 'Non Caedo' list for another reason that the council doesn't like to talk about," Giles sighed. "It's the third fact you need to know."

"Fine, what is it?" she snapped as she stood and rubbed the shoulder she fell on while avoided Giles.

"Well, a small minority of the council believes that the original Dracula has some sort of mystic connection to all those who came after him. Actually, their research was very interesting. They looked in the Grogg El Index and cross referenced the Grimm's fairy tales to come up with some very interesting..."

"In English, Giles!" Beatrice grumbled. "And get to the point!"

"Oh all right!" the Englishman snapped in annoyance. "There's a possibility that killing the Dracula will instantaneously cause the deaths of all vampires."

"But that's great news!" Beatrice cried. "We can kill him and wipe out every last one of them!"

"Are you mad?" Giles asked in amazement. "Even suggesting such a thing would bring the Watcher's council down on our heads if they find out! If they thought for a moment that we were here hunting the original Dracula they'd kill us both and go find the next Slayer!"

"I don't understand," Beatrice moaned in confusion.

"My dear, it's simple really," Giles continued, calmly considerably. "You see it in every field. It's called job security."

"Job security?" Beatrice asked in disbelief.

"Certainly," Giles replied in a no nonsense tone. "Maybe you're willing to be out of a job, but what do you think would happen to the Watcher's council without any vampires?"

"But that's so wrong!"

"Perhaps," Giles shrugged. "But it's prevalent in many fields. I'm sure you've heard that the gas companies keep buying up any new discoveries that would cut down on oil consumption. Who hasn't heard of the plans for an engine that get a hundred miles to the gallon locked in some vault somewhere?"

"And don't even get me started on affordable health care or medicine!" Giles added. "Doctors crying about malpractice insurance while driving around in one hundred thousand dollar cars and living in mansions! Pills that easily cost ten to twenty times as much in the United States as they do in Canada!"

"But we fight evil!" Beatrice cried, her eyes literally filling with water.

Of course we do," Giles said in a comforting tone. "But it's about time you start realizing that the world is filled with grays. Beatrice, you need to grow up."

"Why haven't you ever told me this before?" she asked, slumping down into a chair.

"Please!" Giles said with a shake of his head. "Most Slayers don't live out the year they're Chosen! And they're always so young! Why confused them with such unimportant details?"


"Well yes, to them," Giles explained. "Important to a new Slayer is how to stay alive through the night. You're the first to survive this long. Truthfully, I'm a little nervous that the council might not be thrilled about that fact."

"Not thrilled?" Beatrice asked. I moved toward her and handed her a glass of scotch. She was not having a good day.

"Didn't you watch the television show?" Giles asked. "The real council is surprising similar to the one portrayed there. They don't like it when the Slayer starts thinking on her own. I've been able to cover for up until now, but if they hear about this..."

"Hey Buffy!" Willow said as she walked up, once again playing with herself as she looked at me. "If we're not going to kill him, can I see what it feels like to fuck the granddaddy of all vampires?"

"I saw him first!" Cordelia cried, taking my arm possessively. Buffy turned and saw Oz standing behind her little sister. He was in werewolf form and fucking Dawny's pussy good and hard. Dawn saw Beatrice looking and smiled sexily at her older sister.

"Oh Buffy! You have no idea how good this feels!" she said. "When he comes his dick knots up just like a dogs! If feels amazing!"

"Hey Dawny!" Xander said, holding his rather large dick out toward her mouth. His pants were down at his ankles. "Hercules is in the mood for some fun!"

"Don't go near my sister with that thing!" Beatrice cried. "You still have VD from that demon! That cock of yours oozes and grows longer everyday!"

"Don't worry," Xander grinned. "Willow found a potion that cured me."

"But it still looks a lot bigger than it used to," Beatrice argued.

"Well, I cured the disease," Willow grinned. "But I saw no reason to get rid of all the symptoms."

"Oh wow!" Cordelia cried noticing just how long Xander's cock was. "Maybe I will give you another chance."

"Get in line babe!" Xander grinned as he stuffed his cock into Dawny's mouth. Oz howled at that exact moment and came deep in Dawn's pussy.

She pulled Xander's cock from her mouth and cried over and over again, "I love the knot! I love the knot!" Xander jammed his large tool back down her throat. I could still hear her mumbling the words around his monster. It wasn't long before Dawn blasted into one of her own orgasms.

"Why don't you two takes Giles and join the others," I said to Willow and Cordy. "I'd like to talk to Beatrice alone for a moment."

"Okay," Willow said, taking Giles's hand in her sticky fingers. "I've always wanted to see if I could kill a guy by fucking him to death. Giles looks like a good candidate."

"I wouldn't bet on it," Beatrice put in numbly. "He may not be much to look at, but wait until he uses that wickedly long tongue of his on you."

"Oh boy!" Willow cried, dragging Giles away with more enthusiasm.

"Don't take too long," Cordelia said to me with a sexy smile. "I want you. I think I'd even be willing to share you with blondie here if that's what it takes."

"Hold that thought!" I smiled. "We'll be with you in a few minutes." I saw Beatrice watch Cordy move away.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I guess," she shrugged, but did not go on.

"What are you thinking?" I asked, trying a different approach. Beatrice actually smiled slightly.

"That I wouldn't mind watching you drink that bitch dry," the Slayer said. "She's always trying to steal my men!"

"Well, she did offer to share," I smiled.

"That's new," Beatrice admitted. "She must really want you."

"True," I said. "But maybe that's only part of the story. Maybe she steals your boyfriends because she wants to get your attention?"

"Oh, I'll give her attention!" Beatrice nearly growled.

"Will you?" I asked, moving closer. The sexual tension between us spiked. Beatrice shook her head.

"I still think I should kill you," she said, forgetting about Cordelia.

"And take on the Watcher's council?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. "They sound almost as scary as the NRA."

"Not that scary!" Beatrice laughed, despite the situation. "Next you'll be trying to compare them to the Labor Unions!"

"It's good to see you laugh," I smiled. Beatrice moved closer and kissed me. I returned the embrace and started pulling her clothes off. She didn't resist. It wasn't long before she was standing naked in front of me. I spun her around toward her friends and held her from behind while I kissed her neck. I didn't bite, although I did let my teeth brush her neck. She shivered in anticipation.

"You're friends seem to be having a good time," I whispered between kisses. Willow was in a sixty-nine position with Giles. The old man's tongue seemed to be doing the trick. The little tramp was obviously close to cumming.

Cordy had Xander on his back while she rode his new improved cock. He kept trying to say something, but Cordy had her hand over his mouth.

"Xander, please shut up!" the dark haired girl was saying. "This feels amazing and I don't want you to ruin it by saying something stupid!" He grunted some reply, but again, her hand blocked it.

"I have to remember to try that the next time I play with Xander," Beatrice said. "His mouth can really be a mood killer!"

"Look at your poor sister," I said with a shake of my head. Beatrice looked and then started laughing. I took another look and couldn't help. I joined her.

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