The Recovery Plan

"Why safe?" Mel asked. "What does that mean exactly?"

"It means they had no faith in me," Lani spat angrily, still visibly hurt by the memory. "It means they all thought if you sprung your big scary secret on me I'd react with shock and give you the wrong idea and you'd run away to fairyland and their beloved timetable for getting you in my bed to save me from my OCD work ethic before my year was up."

"Timetable?" Mel said in confusion. "I don't understand? What timetable?"

"They were meddling Mel," Lani said, "From the day I collapsed. The three of them. My surrogate father and sister figures and my widowed mother, all plotting. They were convinced my stubborn ass wouldn't comply with doctor instructons. They feared once my year off was up I'd barrel back into work unchanged. Or worse, I'd sneak into work instead of therapy and recuperation and kill myself with overwork."

"Well," Mel said quietly, "you ARE a workhorse. You got my account perfectly arranged in under a month once you got out of hospital. Your replacement I'm told hasn't had to adjust anything, it's all almost handling itself now."

"I'm good at what I do," Lani replied, "but to a point they were right. If nothing changed I'd have done as they predicted. I threw myself into my work to hide from something. And my Mom knew that. So because mom had noticed, as had Gerald, the way I looked at you in our first meetings, and because of the concern and upset you showed kneeling at my side after I collapsed, the gears started turning and the three of them decided they were going to fix us up, and break through my walls, to save me from myself."

"Except we were both fighting it," Mel added, "trying to force ourselves to just stay friends, denying how we felt, trying to put it out of our heads. I guess that went against their timetable?"

"Well yeah," Lani said. "I mean G knew right off you're a lesbian. Her gaydar is..." Lani paused a moment, fighting back a few tears, composing herself. Mel knew what was happening and despite her insistances on staying apart, put her arm around Lani to comfort her.

"It was infallible," Lani continued. "She could spot gay in a heartbeat. Of course they only knew you were shy at that point, so they figured the clear attraction to me they saw in you would negate your shyness and you'd be through my walls and in my bed within a month of my release from the hospital.The sad thing is Mel, everything that's happened, your attack, us not getting together, Gina's suicide, all of it, is because they meddled too much. I hate meddling. All they had to do was get us talking, the rest I believe deep in my heart, it would've clicked in our own time if they'd just stepped back and had faith in me."

"I don't understand?" Mel said.

"Well let me explain then," Lani replied. "In grade 12, I was top of my class, but had never dated. There were whispers and rumors of course, but I kept to myself. One day I was hiding in the library, reading a book of lesbian erotica I'd found at a swap meet, and didn't notice Monica sneak up on me."

"Monica?" Mel asked.

"Yeah," Lani replied. "She was a cheerleader, and beautiful. I actually already had a crush on her by then, but she was the in-crowd, and was dating a quarterback, yadda yadda. I never even dreamed anything would ever happen."

"Oh right," Mel said, "your mom told me this story, about her and her boyfriend pranking you bad and how you shut your heart down after it."

"No," Lani said quietly. "No mom told you the story she heard. She told you what everyone at my school knew, what everyone thought. My mom meddles. She loves me I know but fuck how I hate the meddling. So I've never talked to her about Monica. It was easier to let her believe the official story and just be left alone to brood like any other heartbroken teenager. If I told her the truth she'd have just started meddling again and made things worse. And just like now, if she'd meddled then a lot of people would've gotten hurt."

"Why?" Mel asked. "What was really going on?"

"Monica and I really were in love," Lani said. "Our relationship wasn't just stolen kisses in the library to get my hopes up culminating in the big reveal at prom. That day she found me in the library reading dyke porn basically, she tapped my shoulder gently. Scared the fuck out of me really. I was on my knees begging her not to tell anyone. She pulled me to my feet and shut me up with a kiss. Then she dragged me to the green room in the basement underneath the auditorium stage where drama students dressed for plays and such, and locked the door, and..."

"And?" Mel asked, on the edge of her seat.

"And we spent the next four hours fucking each other," Lani said, smiling sadly. "I'm not a virgin Mel. I just let my mother believe the heartbroken young outed lesbian prank victim story. Monica and I fucked like rabbits almost daily, for 7 months. We talked about running away to Vancouver after graduation, renting a suite on Commercial drive in lesbian country, spending our lives together. She cried in my arms about how gross she felt having to fuck Randy to avoid suspicion, and I held her every time. We were so in love, hiding from everyone in a small town. Vernon is church country, and our grad year would've been hell if anyone knew."

"So what happened?" Mel asked. "What made her turn on you and show people pictures at Prom?"

"She didn't," Lani said, trembling a little now. "Randy did."

"How?" Mel asked.

"We got careless," Lani sighed. "No one ever used the green room in school hours. We forgot to lock the door anymore after awhile. We didn't know Randy saw us go off together one lunch period. He suspected something, a cheerleader and an honor roll geek going off somewhere together? It reeked to him. He thought I was tutoring her behind his back, and being a rich boy snob, he couldn't stand the thought anyone else saw us, as it would ruin his social standing if his girlfriend were seen associating with a poor geek. So he followed us to put a stop to it."

"I'm almost afraid to ask what happened," Mel said, not noticing her own hand now gently squeezing Lani's.

"He um..." Lani started, having to visibly force the memory out. "He freaked. We were already naked with our fingers in each other's pussies when he burst in, and he freaked. He kicked us both in the stomach, hard. While we were winded he took some rope and scarves from the prop box and tied us up. He bellowed real loud about what sick fucking deviants we were, how evil we were, but mostly how badly this would look on him if it got out he was dating a dyke. He kicked Monica in her tummy again to make sure she couldn't struggle, and with both of us bound and gagged, he um..... he...."

Lani choked up and began to cry, and Mel knew. Mel knew all too well. She saw the look in Lani's eyes she saw all too often in her own every time she looked in the mirror. Her heart filled up, with sorrow that she and Lani had the one thing in common no woman ever wants to have in common with another, and white hot rage at a man she'd never even met for hurting Lani. In that moment all her attempts to keep Lani away out of a misguided belief in protecting her faded, and she just squeezed Lani close as best she could, kissing her tears away, stroking her shoulders soothingly.

"I know Lani," she whispered. "You don't have to say it."

"I know you know Mel," she replied, drying her eyes and composing herself. "Doctor Marie told me about the... um... your medical history."

"I know," Mel said. "She apologised to me about it before they put me under for two weeks."

Lani nodded sadly and continued.

"Anyway," she said, "When he was finished with me, he turned to Monica. He was seething. He told her that she was going to dump me, and she was going to help him expose me by acting like she'd been pranking me. He'd be a hero to his friends and Monica would save face for him. She tried to refuse, but he pulled a pocket knife from his jeans and slashed it across my stomach."

She lifted her shirt to show Mel a large scar running from her left hip up to just below her right breast. Mel touched it softly and twitched with anger.

"Monica sobbed," Lani continued. "He told her if she didn't do as he demanded, he'd kill me right there. She looked at me helplessly with tears in her eyes, and I just cried. She slumped and told him yes. She couldn't say no. The thought of losing me as a girlfriend hurt her a lot less than the thought of losing me period. She agreed, and he made us pose for the pictures, kissing each other, while she was ordered to look at the camera and wink. The rest pretty much went the way my mom told you. To keep me alive, she played her part perfectly. He never expected to be expelled. His parents were furious with him, and they took him away to a private school to do grade 12 over. Monica was secretly allowed to finish out the year after I told the principal what had really happened, but her expulsion remained the public story at my request. I was afraid if the truth came out, Monica would suffer a huge backlash of the kind of hate I was getting by then. I didn't want her life ruined anymore than it had been because of me."

"What happened to her?" Mel asked. Lani laughed deeply.

"She's a Dominatrix downtown," Lani smiled. "She left Vernon soon after I did, but never found the nerve to look me up. She got heavy into BDSM. It was her way of reclaiming herself after being tied up and forced to watch. She pulls in easily 500k a year from rich wallstreet types who pay her to domme them. She makes very good money tying men up and treating them the way Randy treated her. She has a few regular lesbian lovers too when she's off the clock, but.... the incident scarred her. She's never been able to let anyone really inside since me. She's like you that way I guess."

"Meaning?" Mel asked.

"Meaning she thinks anyone with her truly," Lani replied, "is doomed to get hurt badly. I met her at Lick last year at my birthday party. She was there chilling with her fuckbuddies and I spotted her. We talked, caught up, went home to her place, fucked insanely, but by morning we realized it had been too long, and too much had happened, and yes, we still love each other, but it's faded into more of a sister thing. She jokingly offered to be a booty call if I ever needed one, but i declined, and we agreed to be just friends. We keep our lives seperate, meet once a month for lunch, maybe do some shopping. Just hanging out like sisters. No disrespect to Gina's memory but it's really Monica who's my best friend. I share everything with her, even things I'd never have told Gina."

"So..." Mel began, "why are you telling me all this?"

"Well for one thing," Lani replied, "I wanted you to understand that my initial reasons for pushing you away were the same as yours pretty much. I had secrets, bad secrets, and I was afraid if I let you in, you'd run. As I got to know you on my own, I realized you wouldn't run, and if Gina hadn't confronted you in her car, I had been planning to ask you out on a real date. Thus how their meddling ruined things."

"I see," Mel said, smiling a little.

"The other reason," Lani continued, "is to show you your fears are misguided. With or without you Mel, there's always a risk of bad things happening to me. That's a risk everyone faces. How many single white women get hurt just cutting through an alley? Bad things happen love. It's a fact of life. The only thing you're preventing by keeping me away is all the good things. I can live with the possibility of the negatives Mel, it's the positives I can't bear to lose. I want to wake up to your face every morning. I want to sit on beaches and watch the sun set while I hold you. I want to argue over wallpaper when we move in together. I want to get in little spats over what to wear when we go to dinner. I want to kiss and taste every inch of you every chance I get. I want to cover our mouths and giggle at inside jokes when we have dinner with my parents. I want to kiss you in public and make every man and woman jealous that you're all mine."

"But..." Mel tried to protest.

"No buts," Lani said. "If you'd have allowed it Mel, I'd have been here all day every day at your side as you healed. If it'd been me beaten up I'd want you at mine. But the bad shit is rare Mel. You and I may have had a bit more of it than most but really it takes up such a tiny percentage of our whole lives if you really think about it. And loving you makes everything I've endured worth it, because the negative helped shape me into who I am today, and there's so much more positive to outweigh it, I don't want to let stupid fears take that away from us."

"So..." Mel started, "what are you saying?"

"For better or for worse Mel," Lani said. "We survive the worse. We heal. We grow past it. Don't rob yourself of the better. I love you so fucking much. I die a little in my heart every day I'm not with you. And I love you just as you are and I wouldn't change one single goddamn thing about you even if I could. So what i'm saying is marry me."

Mel just looked at Lani, for what felt like forever. She realized she was still holding Lani's hand, and she looked into Lani's eyes, searching, hoping to find some trace of doubt or uncertainty that would give her an excuse to keep hiding behind her fear, but she saw none. There was only love in those eyes, those soft crystalline hazel eyes, big and deep she wanted to swim in them, and see them every morning when she woke.

"Can I have time to think about that?" she asked softly, squeezing tighter. "I do love you Lani, so very much, and I'm willing to try overcoming my fears, but marriage is a big thing, I really need time on that."

"That's cool," Lani said. "Take all the time you need. As long as it takes. And until then I'll be your friend and you'll never lose me."

"Ahem," a female voice interrupted. "I hate interrupting, but Ms. Sobreviviente needs her rest Lani."

It was Doctor Marie, smiling. The ladies both blushed, not knowing how long she'd been there, and they both giggled involuntarily, like children caught stealing cookies. Lani turned and kissed Mel passionately, and Mel made no attempt to fight her off, melting at the soft caress of Lani's lips.

"Go rest Mel," Lani said standing up. "I'll see you tomorrow."

They hugged and Lani left. Mel took her cane and walked with Doctor Marie to her room. When they arrived and Lani had gotten into her bed her curiousity got the better of her, and she asked Doctor Marie why she was smiling.

"Because you two belong together," she replied. "Any idiot can see that. I'm just glad it seems you're finally catching up."

Doctor Marie left and Mel drifted off into a nap as her meds kicked in, and wondered if her fears really mattered as much as she had believed.

*** Two Months Ago ***

It felt so good to sleep in her own bed again Mel thought. The day before she'd been released finally after two agonizing months in hospital, and had gone to dinner with Lani and Betty and Gerald. It had mostly been a fun evening, and she'd felt relaxed and happy, feeling like she was part of a family. She smiled every time Lani's foot "accidentally" caressed her calf under the table, and was a little surprised to find herself disappointed when Lani didn't try to go any further. Of course the thought of Gina hung over them like a cloud, but when she was finally brought up, and they all really talked about it, they all agreed whereever she was, maybe she felt better knowing things were turning out to be okay after all.

Mel was more than happy to change the subject after that. She harboured a lot of guilt and anger toward Gina. She'd never say so to her dinner companions but part of her hated Gina. For exposing her secret, for pushing and prying and snooping, for opening her mouth and getting Mel shitkicked, and for hurting everyone by taking the coward's way out instead of waiting to see if things could work out in the end.

She also felt guilty for that hate, because she did miss Gina terribly, and deep down she had come to love her like a sister. So she preferred if possible not to discuss Gina, and turned the conversation to other things. Things got uncomfortable when, in spite of both Lani AND Gerald trying to politely tell her to shut up and drop it, Betty kept prying and meddling, asking Mel why she was taking so long to give Lani an answer. After 20 minutes of it, Mel excused herself to the ladies room. Then she quietly snuck around the restaurant, paid the bill in secret, and left.

By the time she finally got home there were five messages in her voicemail. One each from Gerald and Lani apologizing for Betty's behavior, and two from Betty apologizing herself, trying to explain a mother's desire to see her child happy getting the best of her at times.

The last message knocked the wind out of Lani. It was two months old, from Gina.

"Hey Mami," it began. "I hope to god you make it home someday soon to hear this. I won't be in the way fucking things up anymore when you do, but by now you probably already know that. Just.... please mami, know how much I love you. You are so dear to me little sister, and nothing I could ever do will make up for what I've caused you. All my life I've done nothing but get in trouble with my big mouth, but until now it was only me that got hurt. I can't live with the image of you in Lani's arms looking like meat knowing I caused it. I can't get it off my eyes, I see it everywhere and I know I did it, I got you nearly killed. So I'm going to make sure no one ever gets hurt because of me again. If you do get better and hear this, I hope someday you can forgive me Miho, and I'm sorry for everything. Please, don't shut Lani out. She loves you. Don't give that up because of a stupid puta like me. I love you Miho. Goodbye."

Mel crumpled in place hearing it, her cane rattling on the floor. She cried, long and hard, finally letting go of her anger and grieving, and fell asleep on her kitchen floor.

She awoke the next morning a fair bit stiff from the linoleum, and drew herself a bath. as the water filled the tub and she stripped naked she looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes fell on her penis, her girlcock, and she sighed. She admitted it didn't look very masculine, being it was only four inches long, and hairless. It looked kind of like a clit anyway when it wasn't erect, as it kind of shrunk into her body. she could almost believe she looked normal, if not for the long scar below that had been a small vagina when she was born.

The doctors decided, as they often did with intersexed children, which genitals they thought would be more prominent and functional later in life, and decided to surgically destroy her vagina, forcing her to be male.

She sunk into the tub, relaxing as the hot water eased her aching muscles, remembering being thrown out of her parents house when they caught her wearing a bra to help shape the breasts she was growing. They shipped her off to group homes, where her claims of feeling sick to her stomach at near monthly intervals went ignored as attention-seeking, and she was forced to sit through inept therapy sessions insisting her anger issues were rooted solely in her birth parents' getting divorced when she was two, and anything else she claimed was just silly attempts to avoid the root issues. It reached a point where she refused to speak to any of the counsellors or shrinks she was sent to.

The one time anyone did take her claims of feeling female seriously, they sent her to a doctor at The Clarke Institute in Toronto, which had a reputation for being inept in dealing with it's transgendered patients in spite of it being Ontario's primary care centre for them.

The doctor she saw there only once insisted she was just a closet homosexual and to "never let anyone put things up your bum". The sheer condescending smug ineptitude of this man made her so angry she gave up. She let him think what he wanted and stopped bringing up her gender at all. She wore tensor bandages wrapped around her chest to hide her breasts. She dressed in baggy clothes. Her resentment and anger boiled over until she finally lost it, when a staff member refused to give her the bus tickets she was allotted that day so she could go home for her birthday, hoping her parents wouldn't be asses just once and have a visit without henpecking her.