The Reluctant Journey Ch. 09

She finally finished the floor and stood. Her reflection immediately looked back at her in the giant mirror that dominated one of the walls. Sometimes she would stare at herself for a long time, not out of conceitedness, but to maybe for once feel like she belonged inside the body that she saw there. She'd been countlessly told her entire life how beautiful she was. She could see an attractive face in the mirror, she just didn't feel like she owned that face and body. She didn't have the personality to match her face.

People thought she was catty and snobbish on first appearance. She secretly didn't mind, only because it kept them at a distance. If having people think badly of her made her unapproachable, she was more than fine with it. She was at home with her solitude. She knew how to be alone, how to be silent. But sometimes she would lay on her narrow bunk in the dead of night staring at the shapes of the plaster that made up the ceiling above her and wishing that she had someone to talk to.

She took a deep breath and exhaled in an attempt to cleanse the lonely thoughts from her body. She tried not to ponder on these thoughts. She wasn't one to sit around feeling bad for herself. If she was lonely, it was no one's fault but her own. Malia was right, she needed to take control of her own future. If she wanted Tristan she was going to have to make the first move. Even if, for her, that entailed simply introducing herself. 'Baby steps', she thought to herself as she dusted her black pants off with her hands and tried to tap into any unknown reserve of courage she might have had. Unfortunately, she couldn't find much, but still she had come to a crossroads. She was done staring at the ceiling.

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It was awkward. Malia wasn't sure what the dynamic between Cain and herself was anymore. She didn't feel like fighting with him, which had been the foundation of their relationship hitherto. She also didn't feel like being nice to him, because frankly he didn't deserve it. For once in their time together Malia was at a complete loss for words. The awkwardness was amplified by the small space they were forced to temporarily share. She should have asked to go back to the manor with Tristan. She didn't really need to be in this cabin when they were released did she? She knew that for the cover story to work their leaving of unit 118 and the new guests to Milan manor had to be two separate events. But she didn't necessarily have to be one of the 'new guests', she had been living there for weeks. It wasn't as if anyone was keeping track of her whereabouts anyway, Cain didn't have many houseguests that she'd noticed. She suspected that he just wanted to keep track of her, always in complete control. Well look how that had blown up in his face. He'd been loosing his precious control since the day they'd arrived. But in the end, she guessed he'd gotten what he wanted. Cain had all of the control now, because she'd given it to him. She cared more than he did and that meant he won.

It was ironic that as soon as Malia was convinced that she was falling in love with Cain was when she wanted to most physically distance herself from him. Maybe she wasn't in love with him. Or maybe it wouldn't last. Maybe if she could just get away with her family she would just eventually forget about him. She felt desperately sad only thinking about it. She felt guilty that she didn't want to go back to living with her family. She loved her parents and her siblings, but she didn't want to be their little girl anymore. Her youth had been forcefully extended as it was. Was it wrong for her to want to grow up just a little? To try her hand at being an independent woman?

She wished she was confused about being in love with Cain because it sure as hell didn't make anything easier. But she felt it as deeply as she'd felt anything that she wasn't confused, not in the least, and that scared the shit out of her. Maybe she was too isolated, and the first attractive man that had shown her attention had caused her brain to fry. It surely was a pathetic picture if that was the case. She simply couldn't bring herself to believe that this was only a strong infatuation.

She needed to be alone. She needed to think. She'd already showered for the day so she figured she could just slip away to her bedroom and think herself to sleep. Cain had stopped in the kitchen and was eating an apple.

"Where you going?" He talked around the pieces of apple in his mouth, one of which went flying to the floor.

She arched an eyebrow at him. "I'm going to bed." She stated obviously. "So don't come looking for me." She added. It was the first smart-ass comment that had come to mind all day. It felt good, like she wasn't losing herself.

He smiled and swallowed the apple in his mouth. "And here I thought I was going to have to waste time on foreplay. I'm gonna finish my apple and I'll be right there. You can warm up without me if you want."

She looked at him surprisedly. You'd think she would get used to these kind of comments from him but she was as shocked as he'd planned for her to be. Which didn't work well for the part of her brain dedicated to witty comebacks. She was sure she looked stupid just standing in the archway, staring at him. Finally words came to her. "I'm not going to sleep with you." She sounded comically outraged.

He snorted arrogantly as he took another bite of his apple. She was annoyed at her eyes for repeatedly straying to the muscles of his jaw as he chewed. "You were the one that said that we were sleeping together remember?" His words were slightly muffled by the food in his mouth.

She was incredibly annoyed that he was right. Hell if she was going to tell him that. His casual chewing while talking was also incredibly annoying. "I thought you had better manners than that?"

He stopped chewing, glared at her, and opened his mouth wide to reveal chewed up apple bits, like a child. She laughed despite her will not to encourage him. While she was trying to pull herself together he walked the few steps over to where she stood. "I think you've underestimated my powers of seduction." His voice was suddenly deeper, his eyes darker as he looked down at her. Her mouth went dry. He brought the apple up to his mouth and slowly took a bite, deliberately chewing. He knew exactly how drop dead gorgeous he was and it was frustrating that she was too entranced to put him in his place. He grinned as if he could read her thoughts like a book.

"What if I get pregnant?" She asked trying to stop him, but she'd been thinking about it all day. She wondered why she hadn't thought about pregnancy after the first time. Suddenly she was genuinely worried about it.

"We're both on birth control." He answered. She looked at him questioningly and he sighed. "There was a drug in the first meal you ate at the manor, it will last for three months. Very new age, very expensive, you should thank me. I'm on something similar, you wouldn't imagine the lengths women will go to to trap a man into an obligated marriage." She felt relieved rather than violated that he'd once again went to great lengths to control her.

"This isn't a good idea." She whimpered as she felt her control slipping.

"Best idea I've had all day." He growled as he leaned closer to her. He was going to kiss her and then she would be gone. He was so close. She put her hands against his chest to stop him. He was so warm, his heartbeat strong and steady beneath her hand.

"Cain." She whined. If she lost herself to this man she would be truly imprisoned. She couldn't let this go on, she needed to think. "I think I'm in love with you." She blurted out impulsively. It worked like a charm. He pulled back and stilled, his eyes instantly in focus again.

"You want to run that by me again?" He finally said after a moment of stunned silence. She took a breath of relief that he wasn't getting closer anymore.

"You heard me." She said softly.

"Malia, you're not in love with me." He nearly groaned the words in frustration.

"You're probably right," She nodded, "which is why we shouldn't sleep together."

He looked confused. "You not being in love with me is exactly why we should sleep together." He argued.

"And what happens afterwards?" She looked for any sign of reciprocation in his face but could only see frustration and growing anger.

"Some really great fucking endorphins!" He ran his fingers through his hair.

"You know what I mean." She growled back at him.

"Don't over think this Malia. It's just sex!"

"Maybe to you, but not to me it isn't. Not anymore." She bit her lip. She felt incredibly overexposed. "Cain, you're the only man I've been with, in any way. It isn't just casual sex to me. And if I'm not falling in love with you, then the sex is making me feel like I am. You were right all along," A tear finally dripped down her cheek against her will. "I'm just the little girl you've always called me. You know what they say," She smirked cynically through the tears, "If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Well I can't take the heat Cain, because I know that I'm going to be the one who ends up burned."

He was as still as a statue while she finally fell apart in the kitchen. She felt like she'd finally swallowed the lump that had been lodged in her throat all day only to have it tear a hole in her stomach. He didn't stop her when she walked to her room this time. She closed the door and fell apart. Crying was always a better method to get to sleep than thinking anyway. She hoped that this was just infatuation, but she suspected that she was sadly mistaken in thinking so.

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God damn it!

Cain threw the remaining apple across the kitchen to hit one of the cabinets and fall to the ground. Everything about today had went wrong. He could feel the clutches of everyone around him trying to tear away pieces of him until there was nothing left. He had an obligation to do what his brother asked of him, even if it went against his own wishes. He had an obligation to his grandmother to come to her birthday dinner party and try and play nice with his mother. He owed his mother a debt that would never be repaid in her eyes, though he was obligated to spend his life trying to repay it. He had a full time position as a general that was anything but relaxing work. And the one part of the shitty day where he tried to get a moment of blissful catharsis, added one more person for him to be responsible for.

He felt like a jackass for being angry with her for not giving in and fucking him. She was the one person that he felt free from obligations and responsibilities. Sure she pissed him off, but she also made him laugh, she let him breathe. And now he'd broken her heart. He didn't think that Malia was in love with him, but he did think that she thought she was. It felt like she was ripping out his insides when he'd watched her bare her soul in the kitchen. He was being incredibly selfish and he knew it, but she had became the only person he was able to be just a little bit selfish with.

He was her first. He couldn't help but have a certain amount of masculine pride. He'd felt like she was his to do with what he wanted because of that, and when she'd denied him he'd felt like someone had dangled a delicious cookie in front of his face only to rip it away when he reached for it. But she wasn't his, not if he wasn't willing to claim her completely. He wasn't going to marry Malia Yates and have babies with her. He knew that was the future she saw with him.

It wasn't like he hadn't known what he was doing. It was the same thing he'd done to Milly years ago. Except Malia wasn't like Milly. She wasn't equipped to fool around casually. He'd known that! He had been fighting to avoid this damn it! He told her that before their little forest tryst, that had been so hot it had driven him crazy. So why did this feel like it was all his fault? She was an adult, and she'd initiated their most recent sexual encounter. But he knew that it was mostly his fault.

She deserved to be with someone who could give her what she wanted. Someone who would fall in love with her. He needed to stop sending her mixed signals. They would coexist until her family was released. He would find them a house and get them established. Then he would be out of her life. She would be free to go into the world and do whatever it is she wanted to do. He could easily see her finding some nice guy and getting married, having a bunch of his babies in suburbia.

He could picture the guy. Some blond haired, blue-eyed, medium built man. He would have a typical golden boy face. He would like to grill hamburgers and talk about televised sports. He would consider his weekly game of golf, with the assistance of a golf cart, exercise and would end up going soft around the middle. Cain wanted to punch the jackass in his pretty-boy face. He could picture him guiding Malia upstairs by the arm to their bedroom. He would be sweet and gentle, too gentle, boring. Not very well endowed either. She most definitely wouldn't come with him. But still when he pictured him on top of her, thrusting his tiny dick into her, his hands clenched into fists. Cain tried to shake the irrational thoughts out of his head, but couldn't help being angry about another man in his territory, even if he was only imagined. The thought was highly misogynistic and would piss Malia off. Not to mention it was completely counterproductive to what he'd just decided on doing, leaving Malia alone, but it didn't make the feeling any less present and strong. He sighed, frustrated beyond belief, and went into the bedroom alone.

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The rest of the week at the cabin was both unbearably slow and flew by. Cain spent most of the day at work as well as a good portion of the nights. He was avoiding her and she was conflicted about how she felt about that. A woman came by in the middle of the week to restock the food and clean the house. Malia helped her, talking the entire time about anything and everything. She was getting increasingly on edge as Cain ignored her, and her family's return approached. By the time the woman left she probably was sighing with relief to get away from Malia, though she politely denied it when Malia apologized to her. Now it was the night before she would finally see her parents and siblings again.

She should be happy. She was getting everything she wanted. Cain was leaving her alone and she was going to be reunited with her family. Why wasn't she happy? She saw how her future would play out. It was normal, what she wanted. She might go to school and get a normal job, maybe a teacher or a nurse. Maybe she could even be a photographer, like she'd wanted. She would meet someone, get married, and have children. It was the blueprint to a normal life. It was the normal existence she'd given up on. She could have what she'd wanted. She just didn't think she wanted it anymore. She didn't know what she wanted anymore.

She was sitting on the couch with a ruby chenille throw wrapped around her shoulders, with a book in her lap. She was much too lost in thought to actually read so she'd closed it a long time ago. The house was peacefully silent. She'd found some candles in a cupboard and lit them. She was both relaxed and on edge, her body in dispute with her mind. She had no idea how her parents were going to react to being released into the custody of her kidnapper, though she didn't think it would be warm and fuzzy. If they caught on to just how friendly she'd become with Cain she was sure they would be furious. What hurt her more was the suspicion that they would be disappointed instead.

What would they think of her complete lack of willpower that bordered on betrayal to them. She tried to think of Cain as she'd first met him. He'd threatened to torture her father with his own medical instruments. She just had a slight issue believing him now. However she didn't think her father would have a forgive and forget attitude about the situation. She didn't blame him. It had taken time for her to realize that Cain's bark was worse than his bite. And she was only about 55% sure that was true. It was strange worrying about her father's reaction to someone. He generally got along with just about everyone, but his reaction to Cain in the house hadn't been especially promising. She was worried about a clash of personalities, which wouldn't be good for either of them, or her. She didn't want to choose sides. The fact that she even considered siding with Cain against her family made her stomach ache with guilt.

She'd had hours to go around this cycle of discouraging thoughts before the door opened and Cain walked in. She hadn't noticed the car pull up. He hadn't ridden his motorcycle since the morning after their confrontation.

"Oh, I didn't think you would still be up." He sounded surprised.

She looked at a small clock on the end table by her. It was 3:45 in the morning. "Wow, I din't realize how late it was." She replied just as surprised. They were both silent for a minute. He'd no doubt tried to avoid seeing her that night by coming home so late. She hadn't exactly looked forward to seeing him either. Except a part of her did want to see him. She always wanted to see him and the recent cold shoulder was only making it exponentially worse. She wanted to talk to him. There was so much she didn't know about him. Not that she didn't want to do other, more physical things, with him as well.

"Are you okay?" Cain finally broke the silence, though he didn't sound thrilled about it. He walked over to the recliner and sank down with a resigned sigh.

She nodded.

"Is that one of those woman, 'I'm okay, no really', kind of things? Cause I don't do well with those."

"I'll be fine." She answered softly, watching the candles flicker on the coffee table.

"Uh huh." He replied suspiciously, he didn't believe her. "Aren't you happy? You're going to see your family again."

"Of course I am." She answered probably a little too defensively. She sighed. "I don't know how I feel." She said honestly. "I love my family, I do. I just don't want everything to just go back to how it was. You know?" She looked at him. His face was scruffy with stubble and his eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep. Only Cain could make exhaustion look sexy.

"I do." He nodded.

She smirked cynically. "How must I sound to you. Gosh when did I become so whiney? You live a life firmly rooted in responsibility and obligation, and here I am, finally free from everything, whining about it."

"Your future isn't written in stone Malia. It's okay to be scared."

She nodded slowly, staring at the candle. "Well, I'm going to go to bed. Long day tomorrow." She stood.

He nodded as well. "Yeah, I should get some sleep too. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." She replied. The exchange was so polite and platonic that it made Malia want to cry. She refrained and walked to the bedroom as Cain blew out the candles and went to the bedroom across the hall. Malia didn't get any sleep that night.

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Jack was trying to put on a positive front. Kristen seemed to be doing a better job at it though. He had to think about his children, he reminded himself again. Being homicidal would only make them upset. Olivia was old enough and smart enough to realize that they were acting like everything was all right. The twins were blissfully oblivious and uncontrollably excited.

Packing up the tiny shack was an embarrassingly quick endeavor. They each only had three personal items from their old house, everything else was property of the unit. Still they smuggled personal possessions they'd acquired over the last eight years in with their eclectic items. Kristen had teared up only when she packed Malia's three books with the rest of the family's items.