The Replacement

“Two Buffys?” Buffy asked.

“Yes. One with all the qualities inherent in Buffy Summers, and the other one with everything that belongs to the Slayer alone… the, uh, the-the strength, the, uh, speed, the heritage. And when it hit Xander, I think it separated him into his strongest points and his…” Giles grimaced, “weakest.”

“But which one’s the real one?” Michael asked.

“They’re both real. They’re both Xander. Neither one of them is evil. There’s nothing in either of them that our Xander doesn’t already possess.”

“I still don’t get the original plan. I mean, why do it? The Slayer half would be like Slayer concentrate, pretty unkillable.” Michael said.

“But the two halves can’t exist without each other. Kill the weaker Buffy half, and the Slayer half dies.”

“So the same goes for the Xanders. We lose one, we lose them both.” Buffy said.

“He’s the demon!” Scruffy Xander said. Anya looked uncertainly at Suave Xander. “Or possibly a robot. Look at me. Look in my eyes. Can’t you see it’s me?”

Anya looked from one to the other, still completely confused.

“I, I don’t know!” Anya said.

Desperately, Scruffy Xander said, “Please! Look at him! Listen to him! He’s all smooth! You have to know it’s me!”

“Don’t worry, Anya. I’ll get rid of this thing. I’m thinkin’ this is gonna last about fifteen seconds.” Suave walked slowly toward Scruffy Xander.

Scruffy Xander reached inside his clothing and pulled out a gun. He pointed it at Suave Xander.

“I’m thinkin’ less.”

Scruffy Xander pointed the gun at Suave Xander, with Anya behind. Suddenly Anya rushed forward.

“No! Don’t shoot him!”

She pushed the gun so it pointed at the ceiling. Suave Xander came forward and grabbed Scruffy Xander’s hands and all three grappled for the gun.

Giles car was zooming down the streets. Michael was driving and Buffy was in the passenger seat.

“Can’t this thing go any faster? Ultimate driving machine, my ass.” Buffy said.

“We’re pushing 70.” Michael said.

Buffy looked meditative.

“Michael, do you wish…” Buffy began.

“No.” Michael said, without letting Buffy finish.

“No? You don’t even know what I was gonna say.”

“Yes, I do. You wanted to know if I wished you got hit by the ferula-gemina, got split in two.”

“Well, you have been kind of rankly about the whole Slayer gig. Instead of having Slayer Buffy, you could have Buffy Buffy.”

“Hey. I have Buffy Buffy. Being the Slayer’s part of who you are. You keep thinking I don’t get that, but…”

“It’s just… I know how… un-fun it can be. The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters…”

“Buffy… if you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn’t be half as crazy as you are. I gotta have that. I gotta have it all. I’m talkin’ toes, elbows, the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything. There’s no part of you I’m not in love with.”

Buffy looked up at him. He glanced at her. She smiled a little, then looked out her window.

“We better get there soon. If Xander kills himself, he’s dead.” Buffy frowned. “You know what I mean.”

Michael nodded.

The Xanders and Anya were still wrestling over the gun.

“Let go! I have to kill the demon-bot!” Scruffy Xander said.

The gun fell to the floor, and Suave Xander grabbed it.

“Anya ... get out of the way.” Suave Xander said.

Anya was standing in front of Scruffy Xander. Buffy and Michael rushed in.

“Xander!” Buffy said.

Michael closed the door.

Smiling, Suave Xander said, “All right, Buffy. I have him.”

“No! Buffy! I’m me! Help me!” Scruffy Xander said.

“My gun! He’s got my gun!” Anya said pointing to the gun in Suave Xander’s hand.

“You own a gun??” Michael asked surprised.

“Xander… gun-holding Xander.” Buffy walked quickly over to Suave Xander. “Give me the gun.”

Both Xanders stared. Finally Suave Xander held the gun up and gave it a quick twist with one hand so that the bullets fell out onto the floor. He flipped it shut and handed it to Buffy, who looked impressed.

“Buffy, which one’s real?” Anya asked.

Buffy handed the gun to Michael.

“I am.” Scruffy Xander said.

Suave Xander said, “No, I am.”

They tried to attack each other but Buffy stepped between them. She flung Scruffy Xander across the room; he landed against the kitchen counter.

“Thank you.” Suave Xander said.

Buffy grabbed him and shoved him over next to Scruffy Xander.

“Ow!”

Anya, Michael, and Buffy came up to examine the two Xanders side-by-side.

“Wild.” Michael said.

“Yeah. Okay, Xander… Xa… you’re both Xander. And you can’t kill each other. Um, well, you could, but it would be really bad.”

The Xanders looked at each other.

“No way.” Suave Xander said.

“He can’t be me. He’s all… fancy.” Scruffy Xander said.

“We can prove that you’re both Xander.” Michael said.

“Yeah!” Buffy said, then to Michael. “How?”

“Um…” Michael said.

“Um…” Buffy said too.

“Well, there has to be a way.” Michael said.

“Ooh! What number am I thinking of?” Buffy asked.

“I don’t think that’s gonna do it.” Michael said.

“Eleven and a half.” The two Xanders said in unison.

“Wrong. Oh! But see?”

The Xanders frowned.

“No. We’re not the same. We’re all different.” Scruffy Xander said.

“Different properties went into each of you, but you’re both Xander.” Michael explained.

“Different properties?” Anya asked.

“What different properties?” Scruffy Xander asked.

“Uh, uh, you know, uh, sense of direction. Good night vision, stuff like that.” Buffy said.

“Oh, but he has a thingie! In his pocket!” Scruffy Xander said pointing to Suave Xander’s pocket. “A shiny disk that stuns and disorients!”

Suave Xander reached into his pocket, taking out the thing, “What disk?”

“Cover your eyes!” Scruffy Xander cried covering eyes with his hands.

“This?” Suave Xander asked.

“It’ll melt your brain!”

Buffy took the thing from Suave Xander. Anya and Michael leant in to see.

“Look.” Buffy said to Scruffy Xander.

Tolerantly, Suave Xander said, “It’s a nickel someone flattened on the railroad track. I found it on the construction site and I thought it was cool. It’s not magic.”

Scruffy Xander uncovered his eyes to take the thing from Buffy.

“No, I… huh. It is kinda cool.” Scruffy Xander said, finally looking at it, Suave Xander nodded tolerantly. “Washington’s still there, but he’s all smushy.” He looked more closely. “And he may be Jefferson.”

“Okay, isn’t anyone gonna tell me why there are two Xanders?” Anya asked.

“I will on the way to Giles’. Let’s go.” Buffy said.

They all turned to leave just as the door was smashed in. Scruffy Xander and Anya hid behind Suave Xander, grabbing his shoulders. Toth strode in.

“Oh great. Rod boy.” Buffy said.

“I will not miss again, Slayer.” Toth said.

Standing behind Suave Xander, clutching him around the shoulders, Scruffy Xander said, “The gun! Pick up the little gun pieces!”

Toth raised his rod. Buffy and Michael dove out of the way, in opposite directions. Toth fired at Buffy and missed, tearing a big hole in the floor.

“Hey, I just made a small cleaning deposit!” Suave Xander said.

Michael jumped on Toth from behind, making him drop the rod. He threw Michael off. Michael kicked him a few times (putting his kick-boxing to good use), then Toth head-butted him and flung him aside. Buffy came up and kicked Toth a few times, punched him a few times, then he picked her up and body-slammed her. She kicked up as he approached, catching him on the chin. She got up, landed a few more kicks and punches, and Toth went down.

“Sword!” Buffy said.

Michael grabbed a sword from the bag of weapons and threw it to her. She caught it as Toth got up. Buffy swung the sword and chopped Toth’s head off, blood jetted out of the neck wound. Toth fell to the floor, blood still pumping from his neck.

Buffy stood panting. Anya and Scruffy Xander let go of Suave Xander. They all clustered around the corpse.

“Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit’s gone.” Suave Xander said.

Scruffy Xander gasped, “I was thinking the same thing! Hey, do you suppose we’re both Xander?”

Suave Xander gave him a big grin. Anya stared at them.

The two Xanders stood side-by-side. They were now dressed the same, both in yellow T-shirts and identical Hawaiian shirts, but Scruffy Xander’s shirt was all dirty whereas Suave Xander’s was clean, and Scruffy Xander’s hair was much messier.

“Look and admire, ladies.” Scruffy Xander said.

They were in the magic shop. Willow, Buffy and Anya were in a row staring at the Xanders, fascinated. Michael was sitting on the steps watching, and Giles was on the floor making markings with chalk.

Looking closely, Buffy said, “Look, there’s a scar there,” she pointed at Scruffy Xander’s forehead. “and there’s the same one right there.” Buffy pointed at Suave Xander’s forehead.

“It’s all double.” Willow said pointing. “This zit, and this… kinda funny dippy thing. A-and this weird little hair that grows in the wrong way.” She pointed to Scruffy Xander’s nose.

“Okay! Back off, ladies.” Scruffy Xander said.

“Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn’t it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?” Michael asked.

Everyone gave him an odd look.

“Just me, then.”

“So… you Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same…” Anya looked downward. “Physical attributes?” she laughed suggestively.

“We’re completely identical.” Suave Xander said.

“Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over.” Anya frowned in puzzlement. “Fingerprints!”

Turning to the others, Anya said, “Well, maybe we shouldn’t do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and… we can all have sex together, and… you know, just slap ‘em back together in the morning.”

Giles tried not to look appalled. Buffy and Michael grinned.

“She’s joking.” Suave Xander said.

“No she’s not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is… wrong, and, and it would be very confusing.” Scruffy Xander said.

“Why couldn’t I have got two Buffys?” Michael asked grinning.

“Shh.” Buffy said trying not to laugh.

Getting up from the floor Giles said, “Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.”

“Check. Candles and pretence.” Willow said.

Everyone moved around getting stuff ready, except the Xanders.

“It’s not like it’d be cheating. They’re both Xander.” Anya said.

“Now, hold on a sec. If you weren’t putting a whammy on people with the shiny thing, how’d you do it? How’d you get the promotion?” Scruffy Xander asked.

“Well, I’m good at that stuff.” Suave Xander said.

“I am?”

“Yeah.”

“And hey, how ‘bout that lady, huh? The apartment manager.”

“How weird was it when she called me ‘mister’?”

The Xanders grinned goofily at each other.

“We’re ready. We should do it now.” Willow said.

The Xanders turned their grins toward her.

“What’ll we do if this doesn’t work?” Anya asked.

In unison, both Xanders said, “Kill us both, Spock!” They looked at each other and laughed delightedly.

“They’re… kinda the same now.” Buffy said.

“Yes, he’s clearly a bad influence on himself.” Giles said.

“Hey, summon the goddess. Chant the chant. Let’s do it.” Scruffy Xander said.

“Actually, it’s not that hard. Your natural state is to be together. Toth’s spell is doing all the work of keeping you apart. I just have to break it. So you two…” Willow took them both and positioned them inside the chalk markings, “stand right here. Side-by-side. We don’t want you to end up with two fronts, now do we?”

“Are you sure you know how to do this?” Scruffy Xander asked.

Willow exhaled, “Here we go. Brace yourselves.”

The two Xanders closed their eyes and prepared.

“Let the spell be ended.” Was all Willow said.

Xander stood with eyes closed.

“You gotta be kidding. ‘Let the spell be ended,’ that’s not gonna work.” Xander said.

He opened his eyes and saw there was only one of him.

“Oh!”

Willow smiled proudly.

“I liked it the other way. Put him back.” Anya said.

Buffy raised her eyebrows.

Xander and Michael were carrying boxes out of Xander’s basement. Anya was sitting on a stool reading a magazine. Michael and Xander put the boxes by the door, and Xander paused to look around.

“Getting nostalgic?” Michael asked.

“I don’t know. At first it’s just a place, then you start to make memories, and… then you’re like,” Xander pointed, “that’s where Spike slept, and” pointing, “there, that’s where Anya and I drowned the Separvo demon. Oh!” pointed, “and, and right there, that’s where I got my heart all ripped out.” Xander shook his head. “I really hate this place.”

He and Michael turned to pick up the boxes as Buffy walked by. She went to pick up another box, passing Anya.

“Anya. I see you’ve joined the non-sling-wearing crowd.”

Smiling, Anya said, “Yes, I’m feeling better. And I anticipate many years before my death. Excepting disease or airbag failure.”

“That sounds nice.” Buffy walked off carrying the box.

Xander walked up to Anya, carrying another box.

“Ooh!” Anya tossed the magazine aside. “Presents?”

“Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you cannot have. I just thought you could help carry a little.”

“Me?” Anya pouted. “Buffy has super strength. Why don’t we just load her up like one of those little horses?”

“Anya. Please.”

Getting off the stool Anya said, “Fine. I’m just your slave.” Anya took the box and went out.

Xander watched her go. Michael watched too, while packing a box.

“How is it that she can always make me feel Suave Xander’s left the building?” Xander asked.

“You two have your friction, but… she digs the whole package. It’s obvious.” Michael said.

“Still, I do envy you sometimes.” Michael looked up at Xander. “I mean for the sanity. Not that I’m still into Buffy.” Then quickly. “Not that I ever was.”

Grinning, Michael said, “Hey, I’m well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy’s like nobody else in the world. When I’m with her it’s like… its like I’m split in two. Half of me is just… on fire, going crazy if I’m not touching her. The other half… is so still and peaceful… just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one.” Michael smiled a little, then continued packing for a moment, then looked up at Xander again. “But she doesn’t love me.”

Xander stared at him, not knowing what to say. Buffy re-entered.

“Got something else for me to carry?” Buffy asked.

“Uh, you can help me pack this.” Michael replied.

“Sure.” Buffy went over to Michael and kissed him. “Sure.”

They both turned to the packing as Xander watched.