tagHumor & SatireThe Restaurant

The Restaurant


"There you are, sir," said the hostess as she seated the well-dressed couple. "Your waiter will be with you shortly."

"Thank you," said the man. Turning toward his female companion, he asked, "So, Allison, I can't decide how I felt. Did you like the movie?"

"Oh, Roger, couldn't you tell I was loving it? It just made me feel so WARM all over, if you know what I mean."

"Really?" He asked rhetorically. "Personally, I was freezing in that theater. I know the sign outside said 'Air-conditioned inside' but they should turn it down a little, y'know? On top of that, they didn't have any popcorn and the damn picture really didn't live up to its reputation. I mean, that one silent shot of her just walking must have lasted five whole minutes. That is NOT art! I sure don't know why you insisted we sit through it twice!"

With a playful, naughty grin, Allison said, "I wouldn't complain if I were you, sweetheart. I always get so...HUNGRY when I see a picture like DEEP THROAT. Hehehehe!"

"So we had to come to one of the most expensive restaurants in town? You never heard of fast food?"

"That's not what I meant, lover" She began running her foot along his leg under the table." I was referring to..."

Just then, the waiter arrived. "Excuse me. My name is Robert. May I start you off with a cocktail?"

Laughing her dirtiest laugh, Allison stared at Roger and responded, "I'll take half of that and you can take the other half. Mmmmmmmm!"

Obliviously, Roger turned to Robert and said, "Well, I guess we'll SPLIT one vodka martini."

"Very good, sir."

"Allison, I don't know what's the matter with you this evening," he said shaking his head in confusion.

"There's nothing wrong with me that you can't cure, " she assured him as she rubbed his hands across the table with her long, supple fingers.

"Your vodka martini, sir," interrupted the waiter.

"Oh, thank you. Okay, Allison, I guess you can have the first half."

"Oh, Roger! I don't want the first half, you idiot! I want YOU!"

"Alright, alright! I'll have the first half." He took a big swig of the drink.

"Are you ready to order, sir?" inquired Robert.

"I guess so. Hmmmm. Honey, would you prefer meat or fish?"

Staring lustingly across the table, Allison licked her lips and said, "You know I've always preferred a nice, BIG, THICK, JUICY piece of...MEAT to a limp old fish!" With this the waiter choked audibly. Allison looked up into his eyes and winked.

Without taking his eyes away from the menu, he ordered, "Okay, then. Two steaks, medium rare, and don't...Hey! Hey, waiter! Robert or whatever your name was, are you listening to me?"

Robert snapped back to life and wiped the tiniest bit of drool from his open mouth. "Huh? Oh, yes, sir! Two steaks, medium rare. Got it! I, uh...I gotta go."

"Hmph! I hope he isn't expecting much of a tip. Allison, are you okay? Do you feel alright?"

With a pout, she responded, "No! I don't! Let's just go back to my place and you can make me feel all better, okay?"

"Jeez! Not now, silly! We've already ordered. Besides I thought you were so all-fired hungry!"

"I'm starving, sweetheart...but NOT for steak!"

Slowly starting to anger, Roger asked, "Then why in the hell did you order steak if its not even what you wanted?"

"Don't you get it? Only you can give me what I want, what I'm starving for!"

He took a deep breath. "Level with me. Have you been smoking those South American cigarettes again? I've warned you; I don't think those things are totally legal."

Taking a deep breath, Allison pushed forward. "Darling, I'm smoking just fine tonight without cigarettes. I'm hot, understand?"

"Oh, baby, I am sorry. You have a fever? I didn't know. Here. Let me feel."

With that, Allison moved over to his side of the table and sat on Roger's lap. "I thought you'd never ask! Feel me!"

Feeling her forehead, he couldn't detect anything out of the ordinary. "Hmmm. No, you're fine. Feels perfectly normal."

With a giggle, Allison pulled his hand to her heaving chest. "Here, feel my heart!"

"Why? Is it...? Wait a minute! Get back to your seat! This is embarrassing!"

As she plopped back into her own chair, Allison commented glumly, "You are no fun at all this evening!"

"Well, what do you expect? We paid 30 bucks to sit through a lousy movie—twice! We come to this expensive restaurant where you say you're starving, then say you're not hungry! You're acting crazy! Did you forget your Midol this morning or something?"

"It's NOT that time of month. I DID remember that OTHER little pill, though. Look, why don't we just go back to my place? I guarantee you'll enjoy yourself better."

"I don't see how. All this foolishness of yours has given me a headache."

Desperately, Allison countered with, "But I DON'T have a headache!"

Roger stood up but motioned for her to stay seated. "Well, I certainly do and it's getting worse by the second. Wait here. I'm going out to the car for some aspirin."

"Can't we just go?"

"No! You are gonna eat that meat you were craving and like it!"

"Yes, honey! I'll eat your meat but at my place!"

As he paused a second to think, Allison's eyes lit up at what she thought was finally realization, only to hear Roger say, "I don't think you can get food 'to go' from here. I'll be right back."

Allison sat with her head in her hands, so horny she could scream. Just then, Robert the waiter reentered nervously. "Is the, uh, gentleman gone?"

Dejectedly, she began, "No...He's just..." As she spoke, she lifted her eyes to his before changing her answer. "Uh...I mean 'yes,' as a matter of fact, the gentleman IS gone."

"Pardon me for being forward," he said hopefully, "but I get off after this table."

"Really? Well, I'm through with it now!" Standing, she leaned in and whispered in the young man's ear, "How would you like to get off again at my place? Hmmmm?" Her tongue licked once around his inner ear. Tentatively, he held out his arm. As she grasped it tightly, the two headed away from the table laughing.

Meanwhile, from the other direction, Roger returned from the car. "Allison? Hmmm...must've gone to powder her nose or something. I wish they'd hurry up with those steaks. Something tells me I might just get lucky tonight!


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