The Resurgence of a Weary Man Pt. 01

"So why is this difficult? Hop on a plane and go back there to settle it once and for all. I mean, you haven't had a face to face yet and I think you need it to be able to move on for good, if that is what occurs."

I looked at her funny with that last statement.

"Yeah, that's right, if that is what occurs. You won't know until then and to tell you the truth, Tom, I won't know either. So, if what we have here goes any further than just great sex and good company, you need to do this."

She was right. I had grown very comfortable with Janet and liked what we had. I don't know if it was love or not, but I'd never know if I didn't

get closure of some sort. I booked the flight the next morning.

Carl called me on my way to the airport and let me know he was sending several files through email to me. It seems he had a lot of information on Helen's paramour that might be interesting. The files poured into my inbox before I boarded the flight and I browsed through them over the next couple of hours.

The Waterside was a recent addition to the residential areas of the Concourse development. They were not high end apartments but they were pricy enough to maintain a discriminating clientele. Regardless, they were quite a change from the five bedroom house and three car garage with its spacious corner lot on a tree lined street that Helen had maintained for most of our marriage. I still had a hard time wrapping my mind around that. How could she have just walked away from everything?

I suppose that was why I was standing here on the sidewalk at 7PM staring at the front door to 1792 Fairing Lane. I called her earlier to ask if this would be an appropriate time to have a discussion. She didn't hesitate a second and even invited me for dinner which I quickly declined. I needed to talk rather than eat.

Half the savings when she walked out on me gave her close to $600K. If Ann was right and she had squirreled it away, she could keep above water for quite some time if she lived modestly especially if she was now working somewhere.

I almost turned and walked away but Janet's words were ringing in my ear. I needed to do this. Helen answered the door and we stood there silently for a moment before she welcomed me into her home. It was modestly furnished as I expected of her. For herself, she was dressed in grey slacks and a button down oxford shirt with a purple and blue dove print design. Two small pearl earrings and a silver necklace; were it not for her fingers being bare of any jewelry she would have looked like my wife of 25 years.

"Thank you for coming, Tom. Still rum and coke?"

"Yes, please." I watched her walk to the kitchen and prepare the drink as she had done countless times over the years. She was still graceful, attractive and desirable. At least she had kept up her appearances for somebody's benefit.

So, with drink in hand and her wine stem filled, we stared at the elephant not knowing what to say. I had lost count of the actual number of days since that dark Friday but it had been over seven months and our entire worlds had changed. I pulled out the letter she had left me that day and I started reading it. Her countenance changed immediately and I watched my former wife lose whatever courage she had mustered for this meeting. I reached the last line of the letter, 'Until I can face you again, know that I will always love you'. I set the letter down without reading that line and looked at my former wife and asked the question I wanted to ask all along. It wasn't 'why'.

"Have you ever wished you did it differently, Helen?"

She looked at me trying to comprehend the question and then shuddered.

"Jesus, Tom, a million times a day since then. To tell you the truth, I wish I had never done it at all. Writing that letter and leaving like that will haunt me forever. I know I can never forgive myself for it, not to mention the forgiveness of others."

"Helen, I talked with Ann over the holidays and she told me a lot of things that the two of you have discussed, about you, us, and your new life. Don't blame her though. I pretty much pulled it out of her. It was casting a shadow over our relationship and I couldn't have it. Helen, I guess for me to understand how and why, I need to hear it from you and maybe then we can get some closure out of all of this. Are you willing to do that?"

"Tom, I'll tell you the whole story if you wish but I'm going to need more than this wine."

She freshened my drink and made the same for herself.

"I guess I need to start somewhere but I don't know where the beginning really starts. Let's begin, for now, with that Friday when I left."

I wanted to interrupt and tell her where the beginning was but I constrained myself. It was her story.

"I wrote that fucking letter four times before I finally resigned myself to leave the version you have now. If I could step back in time, I would have torn it up and sat on that bed waiting for you to come home. But, I had a date, a date with a new life and sweeping happiness. You know, the kind in all the romance novels where the fucking prince comes in and rescues the princess from her moribund life? What a total piece of shit such fairy tales are. As you can see, my language has developed a bit of saltiness since I crashed on reality's parade.

It was a fairy tale, a juvenile adventure. Jesus, this is so bad my mother would kill me if she were alive. I had it all, Tom, we had it all. Two wonderful kids going off on their own and finally time to do the things we always wanted to do and what did we do or what did I do? I drifted off into my own world. I let it get stale and boring. Sally and Jenny, on the other hand, were living exciting lives, volunteering and being involved with so many activities. When I started hanging around with them, everything was new and I started thinking I was trapped.

A couple years ago, I started volunteering at the Outreach Center and meeting a lot of other people. Sally was working with me and at some point she began having an affair with one of the volunteers from a corporate sponsor. From that point, all I heard from her was how fucking exciting it was to get laid by a different man, how it was giving her a new kick. I didn't look well on her adultery and I think she knew it but she kept trying to get me hooked up with one of the guy's friends.

Eventually, they introduced me to Charles. He wasn't pushy. He wasn't trying to get me into bed. He was just a fun guy to have lunch with or dinner when I could steal away for it. For the longest time we didn't do anything except be friends. However, he knew I was married and, I mean, what else would be expected. It started to get far more romantic between us.

I knew I was on dangerous ground but I kept getting sucked into it. A couple months before I left, I was having lunch at his apartment and we started getting carried away. I knew immediately that if I didn't stop it, he was going fuck me. So I stopped it and he was a real gentleman about it. I couldn't fuck him while we were still together. That was the rational in my sick mind.

The reason I'm telling you this, Tom, is because I want you to know that I never had sex with another man the entire time we were married, not once. I couldn't do it. Charles didn't particularly like it but he agreed to wait until I left you. I couldn't commit adultery and disrespect you in that way. Instead I fell in love, or so I thought, and threw away the only true love I've ever had.

When I had the divorce papers drawn up, I didn't tell Charles I wanted to take nothing from the marriage. I was the offending party and I had no moral right to anything. He didn't know about the savings and I didn't tell him. That Monday evening, after my lawyer told me you had signed and they were filed, I decided I wouldn't consummate my affair with Charles until a judge terminated our marriage. I just couldn't do it. I was already having second thoughts but was too cowardly to act on them.

Well, Charles went ballistic. He was pissed but I calmed him down and promised him everything he wanted once the divorce was final. What a stupid woman I am. My lawyer gave me a copy of the final decree and at that point I gave him what he wanted and he took it too. But the worst thing was I felt so god damn cheap. He was a worthless lover, selfish to the core. All the niceties about him were a façade.

I put on appearances. I know the kids hated me, especially Ann. I ran into her, you know, with Charles. She broke my heart but only because I ruined hers. She called me a whore and Charles, worse. That was a bad day and things stayed that way for a while.

About a week after that encounter, Charles came ripping into the kitchen where I was, furious as hell. He threw down a newspaper article in front of my face asking me why the fuck I walked away from that without taking a piece of it. I really didn't have a clue what he was talking about. I picked it up and saw the picture of you and another man and I started reading the story.

Tom, I got about half way through and I started laughing. I was so happy for you and sticking it to me was as classic as it gets. I didn't deserve a single penny of it after what I did to you and I told Charles that. He asked me if I knew about it and I lied to him and told him yes. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have done that.

He knocked me on my ass with one blow and then beat me again. Then, he ripped my clothes off and raped me. I'd like to think it was just rough sex and maybe I could feel better about it but it wasn't. He abused me. If anybody says you can't rape a woman you're fucking regularly, they don't know what they are talking about. He hurt me physically.

The worst of it is on me. I let him get away with it. I refused to press charges even when Ann begged me to. I called her that night for help and I was surprised when she picked me up. She hated me so much. I guess if anything good came out of it, I was able to restore my relationship with my daughter.

She helped get me into this place and I was able to furnish it and get settled in some fashion. I've been here ever since. I even got a job,"

She smiled weakly at me and I sat there not knowing what to say. Everything she said was pretty much what Ann had told me. She hadn't physically cheated on me while we were married if I could believe her. She regretted what she had done. She had been beaten and raped by the prick. She was remorseful.

"I don't know what to say, Helen. You fucked your life up so badly I don't even know where to begin."

I rose up and went into the kitchen. I made two more drinks and we sat down at her kitchen table. It was the old table from our dining room.

"A friend told me I needed to get closure on our marriage and divorce. She was right. I can't really take the steps forward that all of us need to do until matters are settled in our hearts. I don't think I can ever understand the 'why' you did it. Hell, why didn't I already do it before you? Our marriage had turned to shit and by the time you left, we had all but buried it with neglect. I don't know how that happened but it did and I didn't step up to the plate to stop it. I let you drift away. So, I carry that burden as well.

You know, I did grieve, Helen, for all of 15 minutes. I cried my heart out for every second of that 15 minutes and when I was done, I opened a bottle of old rum I had been saving. You remember that old bottle I bought last year, I mean the year before, in Puerto Rico? I finished it over the weekend. Got served first thing Monday morning and signed with Carl later that same day. I decided I was going to live my life according to my new rules.

Helen, I always planned on selling the business and taking you and me to someplace new. Life dealt me another hand though and I'm living it far different than I imagined. Ann asked me if I thought there was a chance we could ever return to what we had and I told her I didn't think so. I'm not the same Tom as I was last year and you sure to heck are not the same Helen."

She looked at me nervously but agreed.

"Tom, I made this bed and I soiled it. I've had people tell me I should throw myself at your feet and beg forgiveness, to do anything to get you back. But I also know you Tom. You are a forgiving soul but when you told me you grieved for all of 15 minutes and then went into action, it just confirmed what I've known about you for more than 25 years now. If the powers to be picked me up and transported me back a year, I'd live a lifetime of repentance and dedication to the one man I've always loved. But I know you've moved on and it's too late."

Her tears were flowing now and so were mine. We both lost something great.

"Tom, will you hold and hug me one last time, please?"

I did for a long time and 25 years flashed before me from our wedding to the births of our children and on to vacations. Our friends and families; everything that comprised the lives of the union of two people. It hurt like hell and the ache was deep.

When I released her, she looked me in the eyes and said "Goodbye, Tom. You are the only man I'll ever love."

She broke away with tears streaming down her face and ran back to her bedroom. I stood there for a moment and contemplated going back for her before grabbing my coat and letting myself out.