The Rise after the Fall

I held my breath, my lungs paralysed with the knowledge of what was coming, unable to believe that here I was, alone with Laura in that very moment in time. Her lips were soft in their first touch, warm and gentle as they drifted across mine, wavering delicately as if to signify her initial timidity. After this early lightness, during which I hadn't moved a muscle, since they were all tensed in disbelief, she pulled back only slightly.

Her eyes were still slightly closed after the kiss as she regarded me, probably waiting for my response. I sighed, just a little huff of dazed enjoyment which I hoped would reveal how I was feeling about this sudden kiss, since I was unable to gather any words. As soon as I felt my heart race with elation I knew I felt the urge to continue; I just couldn't allow her kiss to be the first and last one between us.

Laura hovered a breath away, her lips still parted as she blinked dreamily. In a moment my lips sought out hers, the need to reveal my enjoyment compelling me as my confidence rose. I needed her to know I desired her, that I wasn't just playing along, but kissing her willingly and with significance. She relaxed into our kiss, her other hand wrapping around my side, as we felt the pressure gradually increasing between us.

At some point my hand had wandered up and along her waist, the fabric of her dress warm from the heat of her skin. I wanted to peel away the dress, let it slip down to the floor so she could feel my hands skimming hungrily along her bare torso. I visualised her naked form, which I suspected would be truly exquisite, but I knew my imagination would never come close to satisfying my curiosity.

At the back of my mind, however, was the knowledge that this all seemed too good to be true. And then it hit me like a pile of bricks: Laura had been drinking. I had withheld the temptation to drink all evening since I had lost interest in alcohol ever since the car accident. In fact, I hadn't just lost interest in alcohol, I had a disdain for it which I hadn't worked up the courage to tell many people, let alone Laura.

For me, at that stage in my life, alcohol seemed like far more trouble than it was worth, and was a one way ticket leading to death for some, as I had bitterly experienced. Her consumption of alcohol meant to me that we weren't on equal terms and that her mindset wasn't as functional as it could be if she were sober. In short, I just couldn't deal with it and it was a mood killer on my part.

I pulled back from the kiss silently and took a step back, not meeting her eyes. Laura froze in surprise, her face revealing her astonishment as she realized I was creating sudden space between us. I felt ashamed, convinced that I would be taking advantage of her if we continued and I didn't ever want to do that, especially when I was beginning to really feel something for her. Silence hung over us for a minute as I watched her warily, seeing the disappointment in her eyes that made me want to just continue. But I couldn't.

"Laura, look, I just don't think this is a good time. I'm sorry," I said, trying to keep my voice level, standing there with my arms limply by my sides. In that moment I really loathed myself for interrupting that special moment with Laura, but I knew there was nothing I could do to get it back as it was in its authentic state.

"What do you mean?" she asked, bewildered and a little wounded.

"I just, I don't know. This is kind of sudden that's all."

"I... I know, but what's wrong with sudden? We can't always prepare for things." She was right, but I couldn't stand that she was correct.

"I guess it's just that you've been drinking... I don't want you or us to make a mistake or not be sure or something," I muttered, shrugging defensively.

"I've had only a couple of drinks, I'm just slightly buzzed," she reasoned, but I wasn't buying it.

"I don't know. I do like you, but I mean, we're only just starting to really get to know each other. I just don't want things to feel rushed."

"So you're feeling rushed then?" she indicted, her defensiveness rising. It was obvious that she was definitely hurt by my reluctance, and the last thing I had wanted was to offend her. I hadn't ever wanted to end up caught in the slowly escalating heaviness around us.

"No, I mean, yes. Look, I care about you but we've barely gotten to know each other Laura," I tried to soothe her but her features were strangely cold. The tendons along her neck had tensed and her hands had curled into frustrated fists at her sides. When I finally made solid, if nerve-wracking contact with her eyes, her gaze burned into mine cruelly.

"I think maybe you should leave, Sarah," her voice was low, icy. Disturbingly rigid.

"Wha- I mean, I don't want the night to end like this, can't we just try and-"

"What? Fix things? I think it's pretty clear that they're unfixable. There's nothing here after all, I made a mistake," she interrupted, her voice rising.

"Laura, that's not true, I just think some more time will make things better."

"Forget about it, I was wrong. Could you show yourself out, now, please?"

"Hang on, just wait a minute," I stuttered pleadingly, shocked at her change of heart.

"I said, forget about it, okay, Sarah? Now get out, please!" She shrieked, losing her control as her inner rage broke free. Maybe this was just her defence mechanism, but I wasn't trying to hurt her. How could things get out of hand so quickly?

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice cracking, as I fought the urge to yell back at her and the weakness of allowing my watering eyes to spill tears. My head fell and I staggered past her, keeping space between us as I passed, avoiding all eye contact with her.

My hands were clammy and numb as I wrenched open the door leading out to the hallway of the apartment complex. Shakily closing it behind me I found myself resisting the urge to slam it in frustration. I stood there for a moment, right outside her door, beginning to shake as the shock began to completely consume me. I stumbled down the hallway and came to a rest several feet from her door, my shoulders slamming into the wall as I tried to steady myself.

I stared at my feet through watery vision, hot tears falling despite my determination to not dissolve before I made it back to my apartment. Over the years I had perfected the art of silent crying, but I didn't escape the notice of an elderly couple returning to what must have been their apartment.

They tried to ask me if I was okay, but I just shrugged and hurried past them to the elevator they'd just emerged from. I didn't want to talk and they watched me helplessly as the elevator doors slid closed, shielding me from view.

That night I couldn't sleep until only an hour or so before sunrise. I woke slowly with swollen eyes from my crying during the night before, thankful that I didn't have work on Saturdays. I whipped up a coffee and checked my phone, regretting that I had never even exchanged numbers with Laura. I think maybe it would have given me a sense of understanding if she had contacted me, or I had contacted her. But I remembered how angry she had become and how badly the night had ended, and was relieved in a sense. I'd never need to face her again, as long as I didn't end up back at that hospital.

The rest of the day passed quickly. I spent a few hours out running errands, before returning home to continue some projects from work. I guess I always brought home a lot of assignments to keep me busy and up to date at work, but I was relieved that they offered me a distraction from thoughts of Laura.

During the party that night, I spoke briefly with Luke, the host and centre of centre of attention at his twenty sixth birthday celebration. Although he had to work his way around all fifty or so guests for conversation, he still offered me his undivided attention during our brief conversation.

"So how have things been, Sarah?" he asked cheerfully, his grin infectious.

"Ah, they've been good," I replied automatically, before faltering with my smile for a moment. My eyes had lost their bloodshot appearance from the night before but Luke hadn't missed my unhappiness.

"Oh, but not entirely, eh?" he stated, confirming that he knew I wasn't entirely happy.

"Well, sort of," I settled, deciding to let my façade down for just a moment. I'd known Luke since high school, so I figured I had a better chance of honest responses and feedback from him than from most other people I knew. So I told him what had happened with Laura and he listened.

"Hey. It's not your fault. I think you did the right thing-if you'd continued things might have been even more complicated. I think maybe it's better in the long run, for both of you, you know?" he reasoned, trying to ease my pain a little. I appreciated his gesture,

"Yeah, you're right. Thanks Luke," I smiled appreciatively.

"Hey, it's the least I can do. And you know what? Maybe she'll come around, things might work out after all. But, even if things don't work, you know, it might be better that way," he finished, regarding me kindly.

For the rest of our conversation we talked about his life, his girlfriend and how his work at the local news station was going. Seeing him so happy was invigorating, but his enthusiasm for life didn't penetrate me like it usually did. I felt numb and lacking, like something had been jammed up inside me and wasn't functioning. I knew it was to do with last night, but I also knew that it would fade eventually and I'd be back to normal as soon as I forgot about Laura.

At work on Monday I still felt a little dismal, hell, I felt utterly crushed. But I threw myself into my work and was able to feel satisfied with the amount of progress I'd made by the time lunch break swung around.

I'd managed to avoid Nick right up until lunchtime. He spotted me and swooped in, nagging me for any info about 'the gorgeous' friend of mine. Not wanting to talk about Laura, I attempted to flee him by departing quickly for lunch but he followed me until I made it into the front foyer entrance.

I suddenly found that I couldn't formulate my answer to one of his last questions as I stopped in my tracks. My eyes honed in on a tall woman wearing a pale suit, her dark hair tied up immaculately, standing a few steps away from the front counter. Her back faced me and I couldn't see her face, although her figure and excellent posture was recognisable instantly. As if she knew of someone watching her, she turned to look in my direction, her face unreadable as we made eye contact.

"Oh, look who it is, eh?" snickered Nick at my side, amused by my startled expression, before he shuffled up and past me to exit hurriedly through the front entrance, nervously looking back at me but avoiding looking at her. He clearly didn't have the nerve for an introduction after all, I thought, and I would have laughed at his timidity if I hadn't been in such a storm of thoughts myself.

Standing alone in the wide expanse of the front foyer, I felt a little lost as to what to do, now that I was only metres away from Laura. I took a deep breath and swallowed, willing myself to have the strength to talk to her, as she straightened and approached me, her strides closing the distance between us. What did she want?

She looked a little unsure of herself, even though she still carried herself in her professional manner. Despite the absence of her white coat which spoke levels about her occupation, she still wore her identification card from the hospital. I figured she must have just come from the hospital to spend some time out on break. But why she'd come here of all places, I wasn't sure.

"Hello," she greeted me politely, a flicker of awkwardness evident in her voice and the way she wrung her hands slightly before retaining her composure.

"Um, hi," I felt glum and rather cold, not bothering with any sense of cheer. I had my guard up, since she made me more nervous than ever.

"Look, I came here just to see if you might be free. I'm on break and I wondered if you'd be free at some point today, or maybe tomorrow even tomorrow-"

"I don't really want to talk." I surprised myself with the stiff coldness in my voice as I cut her off. But I wasn't lying, I really didn't want to spend time with her at that point.

"I just want to apologize for Saturday night. I really, well, I made a mistake, a big mistake. I shouldn't have been so cruel," her honesty was already beginning to thaw out the edges of my coldness.

"I don't know," I said, raising my hands doubtfully, offering her a little leeway.

"Look, I don't want to leave things as they are. Could we just talk? That's all," her voice had dropped as a colleague of mine walked past us, watching us curiously. I appreciated her discretion and I decided that maybe I could just have a quick chat with her. It was a reasonable request after all, and I did want to at least try to smooth things over and repair the damage, even if we never really could get past it.

"Okay," I said, sighing in admission. "I've just started my lunch break, do you have enough time right now?"

"Yes, I still have over half an hour before I need to be back at the hospital."

I nodded, and we walked out from the front foyer and into the bright day of the fading spring. Neither of us spoke until we'd made it outside, the fresh air provide a sense of refreshment which I guess helped us both relax a little. It was nice to be away from the confines of the workplace and I suggested we visit a nearby bistro for lunch.

We arrived at the bistro, having not spoken much at all. Shaded from the bright sunlight by a large umbrella at the table, the weather perfect around us, it almost felt like a dream. We began to talk, carefully at first, then more openly about the disaster of Saturday night. Laura was apologetic and feeling guilty, but it was to her credit that she put a real effort in to try and fix things, as did I. Laura had come looking for me, maybe she was feeling pretty regretful after all, and I actually felt a little less harsh towards her because she'd been proactive in seeking me out.

By the end of the lunch things were looking a little better between us, the animosity on my part fading slowly into hope. No matter how much I had put my guard up, Laura was still beautiful and charming. I was glad we were able to stay in contact after we exchanged numbers, it was a sign that she wanted to keep in touch and I willingly obliged. It seemed things could begin to work out after all.

The rest of the day passed much easily, even though Nick was still tossing a handful of questions about Laura at me until I return to the peace and solitude of my office. That night after her shift, Laura called me and we talked for almost half an hour. It was new talking to someone on the phone, aside from work it was something I seldom did, aside from the random calls between family and I.

I found her charisma uplifting, the way she spoke was different to most other people I knew. She said what she meant and although her voice wasn't deep, it was a beautiful blend of soothing and rich tones. Her voice alone pierced me and seemed to get me to open up a little as we talked. Even when she wasn't beside me in the flesh.

After the phone call I soaked myself in a bath for the first time in weeks-I usually showered, but that night I wanted something different. I almost fell asleep in the pleasantly warm water, but my mind kept me busy as I considered the past day's events. I realized that although I still felt hesitant with Laura, that didn't mean things wouldn't ever work out. I was just thankful that she was at least trying to fix the nightmare of Saturday night and it seemed to be working.

After that first phone call, floating in that bath with the lights dimmed low had me thinking that I'd already changed more than I was conscious of. I did notice that I was feeling particularly nervous while we spoke on the phone, but what really caught my attention was my racing heartbeat and a sense of excitement and longing for her. I had really wanted her there with me instead of her being in her apartment, all those blocks away. It seemed that something seemed to be stirring in me again, the feelings I had for her felt a little more rejuvenated.

The next couple of days at work were nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual projects and a few group meetings with fellow staff. The weather was pleasantly warm, the scent of the incoming summer fresh in the temperate air. Often I would spend my lunchbreaks out in the sunshine at various local cafes and bistros. I knew I was in trouble when I would find myself daydreaming about Laura in moments when I wasn't furrowing over work, or when I was making a coffee, or when I was out and about.

The next Thursday night, as I arrived at my apartment at the end of a busy day of work, I felt my phone buzz and hurriedly pulled it from my pocket. The illuminated screen flashed up with Laura's name and without hesitating I answered her call.

She was taking a short break at the hospital and announced that she wanted to catch up during the next evening if it was possible for me. I was pleased that I was actually free that night and agreed that Friday night would be a suitable time. The exhilaration racing through me spoke for itself-after not seeing her for a fortnight since we'd both been busy, although we'd talked on the phone a couple more times, I was as eager as her to catch up.

We made plans for the next evening and by the end of the phone call I was feeling a lot more reassured that this was what I wanted. Laura sounded comfortable and by the end of our conversation I hoped she understood how much I looked forward to seeing her. As much as I hated feeling all over the place, I realized that I hadn't felt this unique mixture of desire and nervousness for too long. I had surfed the waves of uncertainty and was almost to the shore.

By the end of Friday the workweek had almost taken its toll on me, but I found myself enlivened by a second wind brought on by the knowledge that in a matter of an hour I would be seeing Laura. I arrived home at the usual time of quarter to six and hurried through my apartment to lay out the clothes I wanted to wear before showering with an unusually energetic pace.

Once I had dressed, I ran a light amount of wax through my hair and blow dried it just to make sure it would be well dried before dinner. I applied a slight amount of makeup just to cover the few blemishes I did have and brushed my teeth, thankful for the invention of toothpaste which left my breath cool and clean.

Setting off from my apartment in a cab, I knew I had enough time to get to the restaurant, even through the evening traffic. I was also happy with my choice of wearing my pale blue button up shirt, a black jacket and pants. Once I arrived at the restaurant I felt more electric than I had since lunch with Laura over a week ago.

Before I had even looked along the sidewalk to see if Laura had arrived in the sea of cars, a familiar voice was calling out to me. I whipped around to see her walking towards me from another cab, my breath hitching as she approached. She wore a white dress, form-fitting but classy, her hair tied back in an elegant bun as usual. Her white heels matched her bag in colour and once she'd come a little closer I could see her dark lipstick and shadowed eyes.

She strode up to me, her eyes glittering in the light of the setting sun above us and we embraced in greeting. The fabric of her dress was soft and crisp under my fingers, her perfume as intoxicating as ever. As she wrapped her arms around me for the light embrace, I thought I heard her give a little sigh before the hug ended.