The River Runs Dry Ch. 03

TEN: SATURDAY, SAN FRANCISCO AND TEXAS

There was little conversation between Boyd and Jon as they sped down the freeway out of the city and toward the airport. At one point Jon felt the other man's hand cover his own. He looked up, but Boyd's eyes were on the road.

After Jon had checked in they paused in front of the security gate.

"Boyd, thank you for everything."

"My pleasure."

Jon looked down at his feet. "I owe you an apology for what I said regarding your relationship with Matt. I've no right to judge you or anyone."

Boyd grasped his shoulder. "Don't sweat it. I said things I hope you'll forget too."

"There's just one more thing I'd like you to do for me."

"Name it."

He forced the tears back. "I never told Matt I loved him. I probably won't get another chance. Would you tell him for me?"

"I'm sure he knows. But I will."

"You'll keep me informed of..." Jon could not finish the sentence.

Boyd nodded. "We'll stay in touch, you can count on it." He stepped forward and hugged Jon, a prolonged, warm embrace. "Take care. Safe journeys."

The plane was not full and Jon was by himself in a window seat, for which he was grateful. Try as he might he could not control his tears when he thought of the week just past and of Matt, fighting his last battle. He read the airline magazine cover to cover, not comprehending a word, then leaned back and closed his eyes, longing for oblivion that would not come.

By the time the plane landed at the Austin-Bergstrom Airport Jon was exhausted. Walking up the jetway with other passengers took all his strength. How would he react when he finally saw Kevin again? Jon found himself simultaneously wanting and dreading the sight of him.

He reached the general exit from the secured area, and saw a familiar head of straight blond hair. Kevin had not seen him yet--he was leaning on the railing, his back turned, engaged in conversation with a companion. Happy recognition clouded as he saw the closeness of the two men's heads, the air of confidence between them. After a moment he recognized the other man as Ward.

Just at that moment Ward caught sight of him. He lifted his hand in a friendly wave. Kevin looked up. Was he imagining things, or was his expression less than welcoming?

Whatever his doubts, the hug from his partner brought Jon's tears rising again. Kevin looked concerned. "You look beat. Are you okay, Jon?"

He shrugged. "Oh, sure. I'm okay. I said goodbye this morning to someone I'll never see again, but I'm okay."

Kevin's face remained grave and sympathetic. "Let's get you home."

Jon saw Ward looking at him, his expression likewise solicitous. "And what are you doing here?" The question came out more sharply than he had intended. "Sorry. I didn't mean that."

"It's okay, Jon. Actually, I'm about to take off." He saw that Ward was holding a carry-on bag. "Back to where you just came from. My plane leaves in a couple of hours."

He stepped forward and put a hand on Jon's shoulder. "I'm sorry we didn't get to visit more, Jon. And I'm sorry about Matt."

Jon nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He watched as Ward shook hands with, then embraced Kevin. The intimacy of the stance he'd seen them in moments before nagged at him. He listened to their parting words but picked up no clue from their ordinary sentences.

"Thanks for everything, Kevin. See you soon?"

"Safe journey, Ward. Take care."

"Bye, Jon." He walked off toward the line of passengers waiting to pass through the checkpoint.

Jon felt Kevin's hand on his arm. "Let's get your bags and go home."

After Matt's small, neat townhouse, packed with the possessions of a lifetime, his own residence seemed cavernous and wasteful. Kevin followed him into their bedroom. As Jon put down the bag he was carrying he felt his partner's arms encircle him from behind.

"I'm glad you're back." He laid his head on Jon's shoulder. "I was thinking we'd go out to dinner. How about Chambord? It's your favorite. We haven't been there in a long time."

"Sure." Instead of calming him, Kevin's affection increased Jon's uneasiness. He knew, though, that if he forced the issue he would be powerless to limit the discussion. Was he prepared to reveal his own inner demons?

He debated the question to himself all through dinner. Kevin appeared not to notice anything amiss and chatted with animation about events that had happened in his absence.

"Did you and Ward patch things up?"

"What?" Kevin blinked.

"I was worried about you two. You didn't seem to be getting along for some reason."

"Oh, that. It was nothing, we're fine now."

He waited for some further explanation but Kevin changed the subject.

Back home he went into the bedroom to unpack his things. Jon had brought an extra tube of toothpaste and other toilet articles on the trip. He decided to put them in the guest bathroom, off the bedroom Ward had vacated that morning.

He took up the used towels off the rack to wash them and opened the medicine cabinet. It was empty save for one object.

On the second shelf from the bottom lay a plain golden ring, much too large to be jewelry. For an instant Jon's mind went blank, then a burning flush spread over his face, ears and neck.

Without conscious thought he picked it up, turned it over and noted the one small notch that identified it. In a daze, he put in his pocket and walked toward the study where he knew Kevin was working.

Kevin looked up from the computer as Jon entered the room. Without speaking he took the cock ring out of his pocket and tossed it onto the desk. It hit with a metallic clang and bounced onto the computer keyboard. The monitor quacked in protest as it landed on several random keys.

He looked at Kevin. His face was pale.

"Where did you find that?"

"What was Ward doing with it?"

Kevin hesitated, then spoke. "I didn't tell you what I found out. Ward's a part-time hustler. That explains his body, and how he can take these trips when he doesn't have a full-time job."

"So what? He forgot his cock ring at home, so you lent him ours to take on his outcalls? Don't bullshit me, Kevin."

"Okay. He and I... had sex. Once."

"Oh Christ." Jon's hand went to his forehead.

Kevin extended a hand as if to appease him. "It just happened. I thought we said it was okay to play once in a while."

"Maybe we did, but Jesus, Kevin! Ward's our friend. And in our house."

"He... wanted to. I couldn't say no."

"You're not an altar boy. You're a grown man. I thought you had some self-control, not to mention respect for us."

Defiance rose in Kevin's eyes. "Respect? Running off to see an old boyfriend just when things were finally good between us. That's respect."

Jon's jaw tightened. "Leave Matt out of this."

"Because he's got AIDS? You've always put him first."

"That's not true."

"You can't even see it. You don't see lots of things that are staring you in the face."

"Like what?"

He saw a momentary flicker in Kevin's face, then his expression hardened once more. "Ward. He didn't come back here to see you, he came to see me."

Jon caught himself, confused. "What do you mean? You guys were never really serious."

Kevin lowered his eyes. "Ward was in love with me in California. He was furious when I left."

His voice became soft and Jon strained to hear his words. "I had feelings for him too."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I don't know. You wrote me and told me you loved me, and you wanted me to come back. You made me see that Ward wasn't who I wanted to spend my life with. But you can't just turn off feelings, Jon. Even after eight years."

Jon felt as if he might suffocate. He had been deceived all along, not only by the man he had lived with for eight years but another man he had loved, and thought of as a friend.

He began to pace around the study, the word drumming in his head. Deceived.

"Jon, please say something."

He turned and looked into Kevin's anxious face. He was surprised at his ability to keep his voice calm and controlled. "You're right. I did put Matt first this week. So you fucked your old boyfriend? So did I."

His partner's face went white with shock. Somewhere inside Jon heard a small voice warning him not to cross the final line. He ignored it.

"Matt has a buddy from the Shanti Project. You'd like Boyd, he's hot. The three of us had quite a party the night before I left."

Tears welled in Kevin's eyes. Without a word he rushed from the study. A moment later Jon heard a door slam. He had gone into the guest apartment.

His stomach churned as sick despair overwhelmed him. What had he done?

Aware that it was hopeless, he went down the hall and tried the door, then rattled it and pounded on the wood. "Kevin? I'm sorry. Please open the door."

Long after he knew Kevin would not answer he begged and pleaded, then gave up and went to their bedroom. In the dark silence he collapsed onto the bed fully clothed. Some hours later sleep finally overtook him.

ELEVEN: SUNDAY, TEXAS

His first thought when he woke was to find Kevin. The door to the guest bedroom stood open. It was empty. So was the rest of the house. Nothing was missing except Kevin's laptop, which he had been working on in the study.

Jon went through his routines that day in a mindless daze, hoping that his partner would return, afraid to face him, haunted by that stricken face he had seen last night.

He called Kevin's university office number several times. There was no answer and Kevin didn't call back. E-mails he sent to Kevin's university address produced no reply.

He forced himself to eat though he had no appetite, tried and failed to prepare his classes that would resume the next day, tried to watch television but could not sit still. The only activity that relieved him for a while was working out. There was no trace of his partner when he came home from the gym.

He sat in the living room late that evening, having given up trying to do anything, yet knowing he would not sleep if he went to bed. He jumped as the cordless phone on the table by him rang, then grabbed it, filled with desperate hope.

"Jon?" It was not Kevin's voice.

"Who is this?"

"Sorry. This is Rolf. I'm a friend of Kevin's. He asked me to call you."

"Do you know where he is?"

"Yes. He's over here, with Cary and me." Jon recalled who Rolf was. He and his lover were buddies of Kevin from the University. He had met them once, briefly.

"Could I talk to him?"

A pause on the other end. "He doesn't want to talk to you. He's going to stay here awhile. He asked me to come over to your place and pick up some of his things. That's why I'm calling."

His heart sank. Kevin was determined to stay away. Perhaps he was never coming back. He forced the thought from his mind.

"So could I come by?"

With a start Jon realized he was still on the phone. "Yes. Rolf, please--. Never mind. If he won't come to the phone, could you give him a message at least. Tell him I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say."

"Okay." A pause, then Rolf spoke, his tone harder. "Look, Kevin hasn't told us exactly what happened. But judging from the way he is right now, sorry doesn't begin to cover it. I'll be over in half an hour." He cut the connection. Jon sat in the darkening room holding the dead receiver, staring into space.

TWELVE: LATER THAT WEEK, TEXAS

"Hello, Jon."

It was a woman's voice. He looked up, surprised, from his desk. Time was crawling by during his office hours this week. As usual, they had passed with hardly any students wanting to see him. His visitor now was not a student.

"Mary, how nice to see you. Come in."

Mary Lewis hesitated, then accepted his invitation.

"Have a seat."

"I can't stay long. I'm here to discuss business with Elden."

"Sounds kind of formal."

"It is." She lowered herself into a nearby chair. "We're seeing a lawyer tomorrow to draw up a separation agreement."

"What?" Jon wasn't sure he had heard her correctly.

Mary nodded. "I've already moved out of the house." She smiled, her eyes not meeting his. "Probably more than you want to know. I'm sure it's more than Elden wants you to know."

"But, Mary, why--" Jon stopped, embarrassed.

"It's all right. I decided I've put up with his ego long enough. I'm sick of having no friends because of his arrogance. I'm sick of the way he treats people. Like you when you were nice enough to invite us to your promotion party."

"Mary, are you sure? After, what it is it, thirty years?"

"Thirty-two." She nodded. "I'm scared to death. But I'm also excited. Sometimes you've just got to get yourself out of an unbearable situation."

Jon sat silent, wondering whether Kevin was thinking similar thoughts.

Mary rose. "I've got to go. If I miss his office hours he won't see me." She laughed, as if realizing the absurdity of the situation anew.

At Jon's door she paused, then spoke again. "Thank you again for inviting us to your home, Jon. And say hello to that nice young man of yours."

Jon forced himself to smile.

It was well after dark when he began to walk home from campus. He had eaten dinner at the Steelman cafeteria, as he had done most of that week. Coming home to an empty house was something he wanted to postpone as long as he could.

Some distance down the street from the house he stopped in his tracks. Kevin's car was in the driveway. Jon was filled with mingled joy and apprehension. The house itself was dark and silent and he saw no sign of activity. After a moment, he walked forward, determination in his steps.

When he tried the front door it was unlocked. "Kevin?" he called as soon as he was inside. No answer. Jon walked through the house, flipping on light switches.

He opened the kitchen door and looked out at the pool. In the semidarkness he saw a shadowy figure in one of the deck chairs on the near side, back turned.

"Kevin!"

For a moment there was no response, then whoever it was stirred and picked up a glass on the metal table next to the chair. Jon heard the faint clink of ice cubes.

"I came here to pick up some more stuff," Kevin said.

His heart was pounding, but Jon forced himself to sound calm. "How long have you been here?" He walked forward until he was standing by the chair in which Kevin was stretched out. His partner stared at the still water.

"A couple of hours. I haven't made much progress."

Jon concentrated on keeping his voice steady. "Maybe that means you don't want to leave."

Kevin looked up at him. His eyes caught the light. Usually they were a dead giveaway, but Jon found he could not read their expression.

"Why the hell should I stay?"

"I don't know a reason in the world why you should. Except I'll miss you."

"The way you missed me at Matt's?"

Pain stabbed his heart at the thought of the harsh words he had hurled. "I shouldn't have told you that way. I'm sorry."

Kevin turned back toward the pool. "Doesn't matter. None of it matters."

Jon felt desperate. He had to break through this leaden wall Kevin was building around himself. "Kevin, what we have matters."

A mirthless chuckle. "Sure doesn't seem like it."

He knelt by the chair, willing Kevin to look at him. "I've taken you for granted. I've taken us for granted. It's my fault."

Kevin shifted his body and sighed. "Don't take all the blame. I've done my part to screw this up."

"That's not important. What's important is that you chose me, and I chose you. All the feelings I had for you eight years ago are still here."

"Funny way of showing it."

Jon bowed his head. "I know. Give me a chance to do better. Please."

Kevin sighed again. "I came to start moving out of this place. Instead I've been getting drunk and feeling sorry for myself." He took a swig from his glass. "I try and hate you, but I can't."

He felt silent. Jon waited, hardly daring to breathe.

"Okay." As Jon's heart gave a leap of joy, he added, "I'll stay here tonight. If it feels right, I'll stay here tomorrow night. Any time it stops feeling right, I'm out of here. All right?"

The hard edge in his voice chilled him, but Jon tried to smile. "Fair enough."

To his surprise Kevin reached out and grasped his shoulder. "I know I'm being a shit. Why don't you call my bluff? Throw me out?"

Words rose to Jon's lips. Because I love you. Because Matt will soon be dead and I'll be all alone, except for you. He said none of these things. Instead he forced a smile and took Kevin's hand.

"You know I'm not going to do that. Let's go inside."

THIRTEEN: LATE APRIL, TEXAS

When the phone call came it was early evening. The caller ID displayed Matt's number after two rings. Jon picked up the phone in the kitchen, his heart in his throat.

"Jon, it's Boyd."

"He's gone, isn't he?"

"Yes. About four o'clock this morning. It was very peaceful. I'm sorry I didn't call sooner but I knew you'd be teaching today. I didn't want to leave a message."

"How are you holding up?"

Boyd's heavy sigh filled Jon's ear. "I'd like to just sit down and bawl, but there's no time. Matt talked about making his will with me and I know he was going to name David as his executor. That's good. When the other relatives descend, then things will get ugly."

"I'm sorry. I wish I could help."

"Believe me, you don't want to be here. Anyway, you already helped. Matt was so happy you came. He was talking about it the day he passed away."

Jon drew a shaky breath. "Thank you for telling me that."

"There are plans in the works for a memorial here. Not the official family funeral. I'll save that for later, though. Take care of yourself, Jon."

"You too, Boyd."

He put down the phone and stood, looking straight ahead. Kevin had come into the kitchen and heard the conversation. He touched Jon's shoulder.

"Jon, I'm sorry."

Grief, sharp and hot, began to shoot through the numbness that enveloped him. He shook his head.

"It's for the best." He stood rigid as Kevin embraced him. His fists clenched, his body shook as he fought to maintain control. He repeated, "It's for the best," even as his voice broke and tears began to course down his cheeks.

Kevin stroked his back, uttering soothing sounds, trying to comfort him. But Jon would not put his head on his shoulder.

EPILOGUE: JULY, SAN FRANCISCO

The ride in Boyd's car down the winding road to Fort Point was quiet. Ward sat in the front next to Boyd, who drove. Jon concentrated on looking out the window at the scenery going by.

He and Kevin sat in the back seat, a mahogany box containing Matt's ashes between them. Once they would have held hands. In the months since Jon's return from San Francisco, though, an invisible barrier had kept them apart much of the time. They treated each other like new acquaintances, careful not to tread into still sensitive areas. Dinner conversations were polite and attentive. The same could be said of the few times they had made love.

Right now they were sitting in the same car with the two men who had, intentionally or not, almost destroyed them. He had his doubts about this whole idea. Still, Matt had wanted this--had put it in his will. He had also specifically requested that Kevin be present. Kevin in turn had insisted on inviting Ward. "We can't come all the way out here and not see him." Jon conceded that he was right. So far, things had been all right, but tension lurked beneath the surface of their mundane chat. He and Ward had never talked of what had happened while Jon had been away. He didn't know how much Kevin had told him.

In the driver's seat, Boyd was talking to Ward.

"You wouldn't believe the hassle I had to go through to get permission to do this. Permits from the city and from the park. Endless paperwork. In the eyes of the law what we're doing today is polluting."

"Well, that makes a kind of sense, I guess."