The Roommate Experience Pt. 04

I was standing in the hallway, outside my room.

Naked.

My roommates had to have heard Tanya screaming. I'd gone down on her, and then fucked the shit out of her only minutes before. She'd been her usual loud, vulgar self - with an additional religious element this time. My roommates had heard everything.

- "Damn." said Rina.

Laurie didn't say anything. She had the most inscrutable look on her face.

Rose was sitting opposite them, with her back to me. But she had turned around, so she got the Full Monty. Her lips moved. I have no idea what she was trying to tell me.

- "Sorry!" I said, as I ducked and lunged into the bathroom. But it was too late. The facial expressions of my three roommates were etched into my memory.

When I came out of the shower, they were all gone.

***

I had breakfast with Rose the next day. She avoided eye contact, and any mention of what had happened the day before.

Laurie was the first one to address the issue.

- "Jesus, Joe!" she said. "Give us a little warning, and we can get some industrial strength earplugs."

- "I thought you were all at Stephanie's stag thing."
- "Oh. Yeah - Steph got food poisoning. That's why we all came home early. Still - that chick you had here was loud, Joe."

- "Louder than you and Ronnie? Or louder than Rina and her boyfriend?"

Laurie thought about that for a moment.

- "Okay." she said. "I get your point. But that girl was ridiculous. I don't think that I can sleep through that."

- "Which is why I never had her over - except when I knew you three would be away."

Laurie shook her head. She was trying not to smile. "Really?" she said.

- "Laurie." I said. "We have a pretty sweet deal here. I don't want to mess it up."

- "You didn't, Joe. Not with me, anyway. I'll talk to Rose and Rina."

- "Thanks."

She pinched my cheek.

***

Rina went out of her way to let me know that it was no big deal. She liked to play cribbage when she was bored. Rose often played with her, but I think that Rina wanted someone a little more competitive. That meant me. She still usually won, but maybe I gave her a bit more of a run for her money.

The very next time we played, after the Tanya incident, Rina started teasing me.

- "Barbara never mentioned that you had such a nice body, Joe. Did you guys do it in the dark?"

- "None of your business, Rina."

- "Barbara never said that she screamed, either. You must be doing something differently."

Rina was just messing with me. It wasn't a come-on, or an invitation. A few days later, she had another guy over - a different one. They rattled the bed all night long. Laurie wasn't very happy the next morning.

A couple of days later, I got a call from Tanya.

- "Hey." she said.

- "You sound a little down." I said.

- "Yeah, a bit. Listen, Joe - I don't know exactly how to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I have a steady boyfriend, now. So I won't be calling you anymore, for a while."

- "A boyfriend?" I was caught off guard. What the fuck was I?

- "Yeah. He's got a an apartment of his own, and a car."

I shouldn't have been surprised. Tanya had always been more interested in fucking than in going out. I had been stupid enough to think that she liked me, when really all I had to offer was a place to fuck. Obviously this new guy with the car was vastly superior.

"But if it doesn't work out, Joe, you're the first guy I'll call." she added.

I had to laugh. "Okay, Tanya. Thanks for letting me know. Hope things work out for you." Yeah, I was a little ticked off. But why burn your bridges?

I'd called it right, at the Christmas party. She was a brazen hussy. Utterly shameless. Tanya just wanted to fuck. Oh well, at least we'd had a few good times.

When I told Eli about it, he was devastated.

- "Say it ain't so, Joe." he said. He loved saying that.

- "You know, all you need is a car and apartment, and you could be in the running, Eli."

- "You don't sound particularly heartbroken." he said.

- "I'm not." It was true. Tanya and I had spent relatively little time together - if you subtract the sex. When we were out, she liked to cut up and criticize other people: how they looked, what they were wearing. She was hyper-critical.

And while the frantic sex was wild - at first - it was already beginning to grow stale. If you scream my name every single time we fuck ... well, I wonder where we're supposed to go from there. Tanya only had the one speed.

I don't think I had ever been close to being in love with her. I had many more regrets about Sam than I did about Tanya.

***

A few nights later - I don't remember why - I went to bed early. Maybe I was a bit tired. Or maybe the crap I'd been studying was just boring enough to knock me out. Whatever the reason, the end result was that I woke up an hour early. I rolled over and looked at my alarm clock.

There wasn't much point in going back to sleep. Then it occurred to me that I might be able to get into the bathroom early, before Rose woke up. I always let her go first, and then had to hurry a bit to shower and shave before breakfast. A leisurely shower sounded good.

I pulled on a pair of track pants, and stepped across the hall. The bathroom door was ajar, so I pushed it open and stepped in.

Rose gasped, and scrambled for a towel.

She'd been standing there, naked, with one leg up on the edge of the bathtub. She had a pair of scissors in her hand ... and she'd been trimming ...

- "Oh! Shit! I'm sorry - I was ..." I backed up, and tried to turn. All I managed to do was smack the side of my head on the edge of the bathroom door.

- "Aaak!" was all Rose said. She dropped the scissors, and snatched up a bath towel. It wasn't really big enough to cover ... everything.

Two things - well, three - stuck in my mind.

Rose had pinned back her hair. But even without her long hair framing her face, Rose was surprisingly pretty.

Second, I'd been entirely correct about her arms and legs. She was a big girl, but not fat.

And Rose had impressive tits. Her nipple were like light brown raspberries, and her areolae were crinkly. But even when she draped the towel in front of her, covering her from the nipples to just above the knee ... it left an awful lot of upper breast exposed.

- "Joe!" she said.

- "Sorry - sorry!" I finally managed to back out of the room.

An hour later, at breakfast, I apologized profusely.

Rose didn't want to talk about it. She apologized to me, for leaving the door open.

- "It was my fault." she said.

We walked to the bus stop, as always, but Rose didn't look me in the eye.

***

It was a quiet Friday night, at home with my three roommates. For some reason, nobody was in the mood to go out. Rose volunteered to cook, while I ran out and got us some beer. We ate like kings and queens, and then settled down in the living room.

- "Didn't you have a date tonight?' Rose said to Rina.

- "I cancelled. Paul just wanted to go to the Lion. And then he'd want to come back here." She didn't sound too happy.

- "Taking you for granted?" said Laurie.

- "Yeah." said Rina. "And he's unpleasant when he drinks, too. I'm tired of it."

- "Unpleasant?"

- "He gets nasty. Critical of everybody. He almost got into a fight, last time we went out. He's just a nasty drunk."

- "A lot of men are like that." said Rose.

- "Not Joe." said Laurie. "Joe's a happy drunk."

- "I'm a what now?"

- "I've seen you hammered, Joe." she said. "You just smile, and talk a bit more than usual. "

- "That's true." said Rose.

- "What's he like when he's high?" asked Rina.

- "I don't smoke very often." I said. "It doesn't do much for me."

- "He mushes out." said Laurie. "He just gets mellow."

- "I wish." said Rina. "I get totally paranoid, and then I have trouble concentrating."

- "I just get stupid." said Laurie. Then she laughed. "That's how I ended up with Ronnie."

- "Ha! I know what you mean." said Rina. "I can't win: grass makes me weird, and booze makes me horny. Just like Rose - right, Rosie?"

Rose looked mortified. "Rina!" she said, through clenched teeth.

- "What? We're all friends here, aren't we? After all, we've all seen Joe naked -"

- "Rina!"

- "Oh, Rose - it's no big deal. Sorry, Joe. I didn't mean that it wasn't big - I just meant that it's -"

Laurie fell onto her back, laughing. But Rose was blushing.

- "Oh, get over it, Rose." said Rina. "Geez, just because you saw his dick? Get over it, girl. Show him your tits, or something - then you'll be even."

I leapt to my feet. "Hey - who needs a refill?"

- "Beer me." said Laurie.

I went to the kitchen, and stayed there for a while. When I came back, they were talking about something completely different.

***

Laurie and I went to the Lion the next night. I asked her I could invite Eli as well - he was dying to have a chance to talk to her alone. But Laurie surprised me.

- "How about if it's just you n' me, tonight." she said. "Nothing against your friend. I'm just .. in a weird mood, you know?."

- "Whatever you like." I said.

Laurie and I had a pint, talked about nothing in particular, and then ordered a second round.

- "Sex can mess up a perfectly good friendship." she said. "It can make things really awkward ... afterwards, y'know?"

I was a bit nonplussed, because we'd been talking about my Uncle Ray and his girlfriend before the waiter arrived.

- "Is that so?" I said. "Has .. that happened to you?"

- "Twice."

- "Oh. I'm sorry."

- "Not your fault." said Laurie. Then she went silent, for a moment.

- "You know," I said, "two times is hardly a large enough sample."

- "Listen to you - Mr. Market Research, or something." said Laurie. "Is that what they teach you, in college? Or are you taking a poll?"

"Twice is two times too often. Trust me."

- "Was Ronnie one of those times?" I asked.

- "Yes - but that's not the point." she said. "This is about us."

Now she had me completely confused.

- "Us?"

- "Yeah. I have to tell you right up front, Joe: I'm not going to sleep with you. I like you a lot. Hell, I love you like a brother. Better than my own brother, most of the time. But I think it would be a really bad idea to have sex. I don't want to screw up our friendship."

- "Is this because -"

- "Because I saw you naked, after hearing you have incredible, mind-blowing sex with that girl? Yes - partly."

"But I'm serious, Joe. I don't want to lose what we have."

- Okay, Laurie. I appreciate you telling me." I said.

- "What are friends for?" she said.

***

Rose was still a bit uncomfortable around me. We still had breakfast, and then walked to the bus stop together. It's just that I was doing most of the talking - and Rose seemed to be avoiding direct eye contact.

It was understandable, I guess. Rina and Laurie were free spirits, much more uninhibited when it came to talking about nudity or sex. Rose was more ... conservative.

And it was a more than a little weird that we had seen each other naked - however briefly. And of course there was Tanya's ecstatic screaming ...

I wish we could have just talked about it, and then moved on, but we seemed to be stuck with this barrier between us that we couldn't discuss.

In the meantime, Rose dieted and walked with me, and exercised with Rina and Laurie. More than once I saw her on the living room rug, doing sit-ups while Rina sat on her feet, or doing yoga with Laurie, with a Kate Bush record playing in the background.

I'm not sure that 'The Man With the Child In His Eyes' is particularly suited to yoga, but ... to each her own. Some of the poses were downright lewd.

When Laurie lay on her back, and then raised her hips, it looked like two kittens were struggling to escape from the top of her shirt. But the Downward Dog was just ridiculous. Rose's boobs were brushing the floor, or close to her chin, depending on the angle she took.

I didn't hear Rina come up behind me.

- "Gonna join us, Joe?" she asked. "Or just gonna stand there and perv?"

I made myself scarce.

***

I was still the go-to guy. Changing light bulbs, killing spiders, carrying the heavy box up the stairs, unclogging the toilet or the sink ... I was on call for my roommates.

They also brought me less practical concerns - like those annoying little questions that no one can remember the answer to. What team originally drafted Johnny Unitas? Who did the original version of Pinball Wizard? What was Ringo Starr's real name? Who wrote 'All the Young Dudes' for Mott the Hoople?

Yeah - nowadays, you have the answer in 5 seconds. Back in our day, though, people bet on the answers. Or they consulted 'experts' - like me. I had enough useless knowledge crammed into my head to win on Jeopardy - as long as the categories were music, football, music, auto repair, sexual preferences of the K. sisters, and music.

In case you didn't look them up, the answers were the Pittsburgh Steelers (in the 9th round), The Who, Richard Starkey, and David Bowie.

That's why I wasn't surprised when Rina burst into my bedroom (thankfully, I wasn't doing anything private), and yelled: "Joe - who did 'I'm the Man'?"

I didn't even have to turn my head.

- "Joe Jackson." I said.

Rina turned on her heel, and ran back into the living room.

- "Joe Jackson!" she screamed.

- "No, you dummy!" shouted Laurie. "Not 'I'm the Man'. 'I'm a Man'." To make it crystal clear, she started singing:

"I'm a man Yes I am And I can't help but love you so"

I could hear her clearly. Rina came sprinting back into my room.

- "Spencer Davis Group." I said, before she could get a word out.

She grinned, and bounced back to the living room.

- "Spencer Davis sang it!" she shouted.

I couldn't let that go. I had to get up, and go follow her.

- "Spencer Davis was the group." I said. "Steve Winwood was the singer."

Laurie just smiled. "Thank you, O Great Oracle. Remind me never to play Trivial Pursuits against you. Not for money, anyway."

Rose smiled at me, too. When I grinned back at her, she looked down.

***

A few days later, Rina phoned me from the Lion. There was a payphone outside the ladies' washroom.

- "Joe - can you help us out?" she said.

- "What's up?"

- "Umm ... Laurie's had a few too many. She needs to go home." said Rina. "I'd walk her back, but ... things are going good for me right now, with Mike."

I thought Rina's boyfriend was named Paul - but what did I know?

"Also," said Rina, "Laurie told me to call you. She said you'd take her home."

That sounded odd, too. But the Lion was a five minute walk from our apartment, and I was studying only half-heartedly.

- "On my way." I said.

I'd never seen Laurie as drunk as she was that night. Her balance was shot to hell, and she had a goofy grin plastered to her face.

- "It's Joe!" she said, trying to standing up straight. "Hey, Joe!" I caught her before she fell over.

I looked at Rina, my eyebrows raised. Rina just shrugged.

- "I don't know why. She was just really putting them away."

- "Okay." I said. "I'll get her home."

- "Thanks, Joe." said Rina. "I owe you one."

- "You have a nice night, Rina."

- "Yeah - have a rice night." said Laurie. She was slurring her words. "Joe'll see me home. Maybe Joe'll see more than that ..."

- "Come on, Princess." I said. I helped (half carried) Laurie up the stairs from the washrooms. Then I took her out the back way, behind the pub. There was a narrow alley to the main street. It reeked of old piss, but I figured that taking Laurie through the pub, in her condition, would have been worse.

Her sense of smell must have gone AWOL, because she didn't react to being led through the alley. I had one arm around her waist, with my finger through the belt loop of her jeans.

- "Joe's takin' me home." said Laurie.

- "Yes, he is."

- "Good ol' Joe. Ronnie's cousin." she muttered. "But he's my fren. My fren Joe. Fren zone Joe."

She had that right. I smiled, wondering how much of this she'd remember tomorrow.

"Why you fren zone, Joe? Why you never make a move?" she said, a little louder.

- "Because we're good friends, Laurie." I said. "And because you told me not to."

Laurie tried to wave one arm. "Why you listen to me?" she complained. "Maybe I want what .. that other girl had."

- "No you don't. We're good friends."

- "Yeah, we are." she agreed. She seemed to snap out of it, a bit. The next time she spoke, it wasn't so slurred.

"But you'd do me, wouldn't you? I mean, I'm not ugly, right? And I've got nice ..." Laurie tried to get both hands under her breasts, to lift them - which was rather difficult, because she had one arm around my neck at the time.

- "You are far from ugly." I told her. 'You have a pretty face, and a spectacular body. Best of all, though, you're intelligent, and generous, and fun to be around."

- "Thass sweet ..." she mumbled.

With one arm supporting Laurie, I managed to get my key in the door. The stairs looked a little daunting, so I took the simplest, most straightforward solution: I put Laurie over my shoulder and carried her up the stairs. She didn't protest.

Once I had her in the kitchen, I got her a glass of water, and made her drink it. She was going to feel like shit tomorrow.

- "Do you need to use the bathroom?" I asked her.

- "Okay ..."

I got her close to the toilet, and then closed the door behind her. I re-filled her water glass. I turned on the light in her room, and turned down the sheets. Just in case, I put her wastepaper basket next to the bed, in case she felt the need to throw up later on.

Then I went back to the bathroom and knocked on the door.

- "How are you doing, Princess?"

- "Hee hee. Princess." I heard her saying.

- "You okay?"

- "Just bwushin' my teef."

I made her drink some more water, flushed the toilet, and then steered her towards her room. Her jeans were undone, but I tried not to notice that. She sat down heavily on the bed.

- "Time for bed." I said. I knelt at her feet, to pull off her shoes. "There you go."

When I looked up, Laurie had raised her arms - as if she expected me to help her take her shirt off. That was not a good idea. I'm only human.

She saw my hesitation.

- "Joe." she whispered. "We can be more than friends - if you want."

I'm no angel. But that night I came as close to sainthood as I was ever going to get.

- "I think you really need sleep, more than anything else, right now." I said. "If you want ... more than that ... we can talk about it tomorrow. Okay?"

- "Okay ..." she mumbled, as I tilted to the side, so that her head came to rest on the pillow.

Then I made my escape.

***

The next day was a Saturday. Rose told me, later, that Laurie didn't emerge from her room until well past noon. She was a bear for most of the day.

By the time I got home from the garage, though, Laurie was more or less human.

- "Joe? Can I talk to you for a minute?" she said.

- "Sure, Laurie."

- "Did I say ... or do ... anything really stupid last night?"

I gave her my best smile. "No. You had a bit too much to drink, and I walked you home. You told me that we were really good friends - several times. I got you a glass of water and helped you get your shoes off. That's about it."

Laurie looked at me for a moment. Clearly, she didn't quite believe me. But then she smiled back.

- "You're a sweetheart, Joe." she said, just before she kissed me on the cheek.

***

I would never have taken advantage of Laurie when she was drunk. For one thing, there were too many sharp objects - like knives - in the apartment. For another, I don't believe that 'in vino veritas' bullshit.