The Rules of the Game Ch. 02

Note from the author: I actually do roll die for all the stats of every character and all the die rolls they make in the course of the game. There may be other forms of (amateurish) DM fudgery, but the numbers you see are not one of them.

Also, I want my italics back. =(

-o-o-o-

I hate this stupid game, Meliel thought as she slogged down the dirt road, her cat familiar plodding behind her. And why did my Constitution score have to roll so low?

According to The Book, an average commoner was a "10" in every ability. That meant she was significantly weaker and less...constitution-y than the average person. Admittedly, she was a lot smarter, but when she considered that she only had seven hit points, a quarterstaff she barely knew how to use, and the ability to cast, oh let's see 3 DECENT SPELLS A DAY the idea of traveling by herself seemed awfully stupid.

The alternative, however, was worse. As unwise as traveling alone probably was (and her Wisdom score was only 10), being in a party sounded even worse. Even if it was all the rage to group up in teams of four these days, Meliel decided she would rather die than roll the dice with other PCs.

Admittedly, it would be nice to have someone to ask about how the stupid rules worked. There were too many of them. There were so many options in every round and so many items to buy, spells to cast, feats to use...it all sounded good until you realized that it meant looking through hundreds of pages of small print full of numbers, qualifiers, conditions, and more and more to look up and keep track of.

Not to mention the decisions! She chose her spells, feat, and skills pretty much at random. She knew there were dedicated Munchkins out there who would sob at her haphazard decision-making, but it wasn't her fault the game was so ridiculously overcomplicated that the best even a 17-intelligence beginner could do was close her eyes and see where her finger landed on the page.

Then there were the rules for the familiar. Meliel didn't even want to know. Her cat, which she hadn't even named, could go drown itself for all she cared.

She was terrified an encounter might happen. She wanted to get through to the city Rulesburg without any combat. That's why she had spells like Colour Spray, Silent Image and Summon Monster prepared. It wasn't that she was so skeptical of her own abilities. She was a wizard after all, master of arcane might three times a day. She could bend the very laws of reality to her whim...slightly. But what really worried her was having to apply the rules. Reading them was bad enough. Practicing them sounded like hell.

Meliel was so caught up in her thoughts that it should come as no surprise that she failed her Spot and Listen checks. A stone flew out of nowhere and hit her in the temple. Meliel stumbled back, clutching at her head where the stone had struck for 1 damage. Paltry as it sounded, it was over 14% of her HP. What had happened?

Meliel noticed a small creature duck behind a rock. It had attacked her!

It was Meliel's worst nightmare. An encounter.

She could run, but the surprise attack had done only one damage. The Game wouldn't pit her against a challenge she couldn't handle, right? Not at level one, not by herself. Surely she could defeat this tiny monster. She might gain some XP and add to her pathetic 39 gold.

Besides, she needed to learn the rules.

Meliel decided to engage the enemy. The world seemed to blur as she rolled for initiative. 17! That would almost definitely be enough to go first. She could squash the ugly little thing with Magic Missile...but it was hiding behind the rock. She needed line of sight. Was she allowed to move and attack? ...Yes, she could. The creature had attacked her and then taken a five-foot step behind the rock. She could maneuver to face it and blast it.

She did so, stepping around until she could see behind the rock. The convenience of turn-based combat was that she could get a good look of the monster before she melted its face.

She found herself looking at a short, ugly human-lizard thing with dark scales. It was probably a kobold, she realized. Normally they worked in groups, but this one was all alone. Its clothes were torn, and it looked tired, even hungry. Meliel didn't care. It had attacked her, and it would suffer arcane punishment. She designated it as a target.

This was it...her first time casting a spell. She hoped she had read the rules right.

"Magic Missile!"

Arcane energy flowed through her and out into the form of a magic bullet. It blasted into the center of the kobold's chest for an awesome four damage. The kobold rocked back, clearly hurt, but it kept its footing.

"Four damage isn't enough to kill it?" Meliel complained. "I don't have any more attack spells!"

She didn't have long to complain to the unfair universe. It was the kobold's turn now, and it aimed its sling again, nailing her for another one damage. Now she only had five HP and the pressing question of how to finish it off.

She drew her quarterstaff, which she saw as a walking tool and something to mark her as Wizardly, not a weapon, but when push came to shove it was a thick rod of wood that would put the hurt to any creature who dared cross her after she had cast her Three Spells.

Since the kobold had a ranged weapon, it couldn't get an attack of opportunity in. She closed the distance and ended her turn.

To her surprise, the kobold put away the sling and drew a long, scary-looking spear seemingly from nowhere. But, if Meliel understood the rules, always an uncertain proposition, that was a move action, and a move action in range of a melee weapon provoked an attack of opportunity...right?

Screw it. Meliel attacked. Her jaw dropped in surprise as the quarterstaff clipped the kobold on the chin and knocked it flat on its back. By some miracle she had rolled an 18, overcoming both her own deficiencies in martial combat and the kobold's ridiculous AC. Even though the attack dealt only 1 damage, it was enough to take the kobold out.

She had won the encounter.

Meliel sagged, clutching her quarterstaff for supported. She never wanted to go through another combat again. The excess of rules, items, weapons, and spells, and the way her very life depended on her pathetic knowledge of them plus the fickle roll of the die made encounters uniquely terrifying.

The kobold hefted its spear and threw it at her. Before Meliel could even scream it whistled past her, a pathetic attack roll of 3. Meliel prepared to smash the kobold's brains in, but it appeared to have gone to sleep.

She gripped her staff tightly. It had tried to kill her.

Thwap! "That's for attacking me!" Thwap! "That's for making me waste one of my precious Three Spells!" Thwap! "That's for making me spend an hour trying to figure out the Byzantine combat rules!" Thwap! "And that's for being a kobold, you dirty little newt!"

Several thwaps later, Meliel's low constitution forced her to end the abuse. The kobold was a bloody smear on the ground. Meliel awkwardly wiped the end of her quarterstaff on its clothes and checked for gold. None! She cursed in her Elvish tongue, which if she actually knew Elvish-to-Common might have been written here. At least she got a whopping 75 XP out of the life-or-death encounter.

Meliel sighed. 1000 XP and level two seemed so far away. What she wouldn't give to be a level 20 master of the universe.

She considered taking the kobold's spear, but it looked heavy and she didn't want to have to figure out just how little weight a normal-sized elf with 7 strength could carry according to the stupid load rules. She decided to let it be.

"Come, cat-thing," she said to her familiar, which in the true spirit of cats had laid down and watched while Meliel fought for her life, and they set off for the town.

-o-o-o-

The sun was setting as Meliel and her cat reached the small town that, according to the sign, was called Tavern Town. The streets were mostly empty as Meliel found the inn and went inside.

A dwarf woman greeted her tiredly. "Adventurer? That'll be 2 sp for the night."

Meliel groaned. "Can't it be in gold pieces? I have to keep track of three different units of money now too? Why?"

The dwarf shrugged unsympathetically. "You can pay a gold piece if you like."

Grumbling, Meliel fished out two silver pieces that miraculously transmuted out of her gold and handed it to the innkeeper. "How far is it to Rulesberg from here?"

"Two days' walk," the dwarf said. "You'll be wanting a quest while you're here?"

"Anything non-combat related?" Meliel said hopefully.

"Might be. You should check the Tavern Town's famous tavern, Tavern Town Tavern."

After Meliel asked her to repeat that, she headed off to Tavern Town Tavern with a sigh. She didn't like taverns much, but they did seem to be the place to find quests, and quests meant gold, experience, and one step closer to her true goal.

Tavern Town Tavern was easy to find. It was the only building with light and noise coming from it. Meliel groaned inwardly. There would be people drinking and having fun, the last thing she needed. Her cat stayed outside while Meliel summoned her courage and patience and pushed the wood door open.

Instead of the merry fire and loud, drunken singing she had feared, the the atmosphere in the tavern was subdued. The fire was hearty enough, but it cast a pallor over the motley assembly of dwarves. Two were at the bar, arguing about something in hushed overtones. Sounded like a quest hook. Meliel casually took a seat next to them and fished out four copper pieces (ugh) for a mug of ale, the official World Drink. She didn't plan to drink it, but it was part of the look of things.

As if on cue, the dwarves raised their voices right when the mug of ale arrived.

"We should ask her."

"An elf? They're useless!"

"Well, what about the human?"

Meliel glanced behind her. There was indeed someone awfully tall for a dwarf sitting at one of the tables, nursing the requisite mug of ale.

"Elves, halfies and halflings. It's no good this time."

"Excuse me," Meliel said. They looked at her. "Are you NPCs?"

"Let's see," said the female dwarf, hold up fingers as if checking off a list. "We're one, sitting in a tavern, two, drinking ale, three discussing something mysterious in hushed terms, four, doing so right next to a bunch of PCs. I'm no Elvish scholar, but I'd say we're NPCs, wouldn't you?"

Meliel decided to ignore the sarcasm. Commoners had it rough being attacked weekly by all manner of monsters, plagues, and other horrors. "There are other PCs here?"

"Honey," the female dwarf said wryly, "This is a dwarf town. Big folk like you don't come here except as PCs looking for low-level quests."

"There's sexual tourism," the male dwarf said.

"And sexual tourism," the female dwarf admitted. She caught Meliel's expression. "What, you've never wondered how it goes with someone under four feet tall?"

Meliel cringed. She really hoped it wouldn't turn out to be one of those campaigns.

"I expect she's done more than wonder," the male dwarf said, his eyes running over her chest. "Elves aren't good for work, but that doesn't mean they can't be put to work," he sniggered.

Meliel groaned out loud. It was going to be one of those adventures. At least that explained why her robes were so tight. Still, it made things ten times worse. Not only did she have to play this stupid game in the first place with its stupid rules, but now there was probably going to be a whole 'mother set of rules. Hit die for her breasts. The...grapple rules were going to come into play. Weird monsters more interested in...well, not very interested in dealing damage, let's just say. The books were all going to be changed to suit some stupid fetishes.

Great. Just great.

"So do you have a quest or not?" she said, wanting to get out of there. "Maybe I can help you find your lost ring or something?" She crossed her fingers behind her back. Please no combat please no combat.

"Kobolds have been attacking the town," the female dwarf said. "We can't fight them ourselves. Oh, if only there were a party of four adventurers who could save us."

"Perhaps diplomacy—"

"Probably you'll have to kill them," the female dwarf said.

Damn. "Well, I did beat a kobold on the way here, so maybe alone I can—"

"There's a hundred at least down in that mine."

Double damn. "Well, maybe I'll just be on my way then—"

"And this town has so little left," the male dwarf said. Tears formed in his eyes. "They've taken all we have. Even our sex lives!"

What. "What."

"Hi, my name is Ricnan Runehouse, and I have erectile disfunction," said the male dwarf.

"Does he ever," the female dwarf agreed. "My name is Unaella, by the way."

"...The kobolds gave you erectile disfunction?"

"How absurd," Ricnan laughed. "No, they stole my magical necklace that allows me to get it up."

"Oh, okay. Well I'm leaving now—"

"Please!" Unaella grabbed her hand. Meliel tried not to shudder at human—well, at contact, at any rate.

Meliel had the feeling that the Game wouldn't let her leave until she accepted the quest. "Fine, I'll do it, okay? Now I'll just have to figure out how to take on a hundred kobolds and find a single necklace."

"I'll help!" said a spritely voice. Meliel whirled around and found herself staring at the far wall.

"Down here!"

Meliel looked down. Standing even shorter than the dwarves was what could only be a halfling female, beaming up at her.

"Hey, I'm Isalie. You must be a PC too!"

With brown hair, cinnamon-colored skin, and thick tufts of hair on her bare feet, the halfling was an odd sight. Also, she was much shorter than a dwarf. That was very odd. Well, normal for a halfling, but—I mean, seriously, Meliel thought. It's two feet tall! And how had she not noticed the halfling come up behind her?

Isalie hopped up on the stool beside her. "So why did the kobolds take your necklace?"

"They take everything," Unaella said. "All the Weekly Generated Gold and Minor Magical Items we're allotted by the Game to reward adventurers when they complete quests are taken by the kobolds into their mine. We don't know what they're up to, but it can't be good."

"Gosh!" Isalie said. "That's terrible!"

Meliel frowned. "Wait, does that mean you won't reward us if we get the necklace back and defeat the kobolds."

"If you wait a week I'm sure we can supply you with gold," Ricnan said quickly.

"Well, I do want to get to the city quickly—"

"It's a deal!" Isalie said.

"You don't get to decide that!"

"Yes I do. We're a party, so what I say, goes."

Melanie stumbled over her words at the halfling's sheer insanity. "One, we are not a party, and two, that is not how parties work—"

"I agree," said a human voice. "Party decisions should be guided by the will of Pelor. I say we drive out the kobolds so that this dwarf town can reward adventurers in the normal amount of non-peace that perpetually plagues NPCs everywhere, as Pelor wills."

Melanie glared at the human woman with hair so blonde it was almost blinding. "No, no no—"

"I need XP," said yet another voice. A half-elf, Meliel realized with a jolt. "Are you guys fighting monsters? Can I fight too? I'm a Fighter."

"Sure!" Isalie said. "Now we're four, the perfect number."

"Pelor's hand guides us," the human said.

"Finally I can grind to level nine," the half-elf said. She had red hair, completely the wrong color. Meliel's own was raven-black, obviously the correct color for an elf's hair.

"This is wonderful!" Unaella said weepily. "Finally we are saved!"

"You girls should exchange backstories and share information about skills, equipment and builds," Ricnan said. "We'll point you to the mine and tell you some scary rumors right before you leave."

"Wait—"

"Great!" Isalie said.

"May Pelor bless our quest," the human said.

"Time to power level," said the half elf.

"Aaargh," said Meliel.