The Safe Girl

I watched her standing on her hands and feet, folded a bit with her butt high in the air. God she is perfect. Three minutes into her one hour yoga routine I was hard as a rock. As kind as she was being about my pervy not so subtle checking her out actions of the last few days, I think 'rubbing one out" while she was doing yoga may have been crossing the line, so I somehow kept my hands to myself.

At one point, she was on her back with her feet tucked under her in what would be an awfully painful position for me. Her hands were resting behind her head resulting in her shirt riding up on her stomach. I wonder if she likes to be kissed on her stomach? It looked pretty kissable to me. If she likes to be kissed there, I wonder if she would like a tongue to trace patterns on her stomach. I would be willing to do that. Her stomach was very sensual.

I had a feeling I was being watched, which felt a little ironic. I glanced at her face and she was watching me again. Holy shit! I seriously need to get a hold of myself. I immediately looked down at my laptop and pretended do something when all I could think about was . .well. . Jess.

Even at being caught multiple times and my embarrassment I still was sporting some serious wood. The table had no table cloth so I suddenly became self-conscious of little me trying to get some attention. I tried to subtly adjust my pants, which of course was anything but subtle. I glanced back at her and her eyes immediately moved away. Was she watching me move my dick around in my pants??!! Help me Jesus.

"Um. . I have to. .I . . " I didn't finish. I just quickly closed my laptop, my face burning up, and stood with my back to her. I placed my closed laptop across my lap as I quickly walked to my room. Out of the corner of my eye I am pretty sure I saw her watching me leave.

Once in my room I just put my laptop on the end of the bed and tipped over face first sighing dramatically onto the bed. Which then reminded me that I was still hard. I felt exhausted, emotionally.

I stayed there running through all of the mind images she provided me in the last hour until I heard her open and close the bathroom door. I rolled off the bed, quickly put on my jogging shoes and exited the apartment as quick as I could. I needed to get rid of this energy. Even after just sitting there, my dick was at half mast.

I jogged around the park for about a half hour and then grabbed a water at a local grocer on the corner and just sat in the grass.

Reality check time. She is like 23. I am 45. Check. She did not, does not and will not have any interest in someone like me. Check. Therefore, I am obsessing over and lusting after a girl who is decidedly not even a remote possibility. I am guessing she is just putting up with my sexually charged leering. I have no idea why she would but I need to get it out of my head that there would actually be any reciprocated interest. Frankly, someone as beautiful as her probably has to put up with my crap all the time from all sorts of guys.

It's been awhile since I have had sex. . Well with someone else anyway. I just need to start dating. And eventually get some. Both of those might help clear the mind. And with a clear mind, I can stop being a perverted jerk and she could have a safe place to live, and do yoga, and do stuff at night . . . I shook my head to clear it again.

I wasn't actually sure if I could actually enjoy dating per se. This was my hesitancy. I had been with one person for about 20 years and add a few years of dating before that and it had been a looooong time since I had done this. And I wasn't sure if I could put myself . .out there. . again. Losing Diane just about killed me. I am not sure I could go through that again. Loving and losing once was enough for me. Maybe living in my fantasy world with Jess was better? I mean I could pretend in my head that she wants me and whatnot but since it would not be real it would be much safer. Jess will not fall in love with me so maybe this arrangement would work?

Of course Jess is a person, deserving respect. She is not just some object to lust after and use in my head. No. I needed to go date someone and do the sex thing there. I am sure I could do the casual dating thing. The love part was a huge risk but it was the right thing to do. Maybe I could find someone just like me, well except a woman, and pretty.

And so I had a plan. My brother and my friends had been bugging me about it anyway, so I was going to "get back in the game."

I finished my water and headed back to the apartment. I didn't see her in the main room, but her door was closed. Good. I didn't bother showering but quickly ran into my room and grabbed my laptop, returning to the kitchen table. I was in the zone. I typed in "online dating" and got a few sites I had seen advertised before. I selected the top choice and started to create a profile. Name? Got that one down! Interests?? Hmm . . Reading and writing seem pretty boring. I will return to that. What am I looking for? I checked 30-39 and 40-49 spots. Definitely female. Non-smoker. Casual drinker. I kept checking the boxes on a bit of a roll.

"Whatcha doin'?" The question was muttered from just behind my ear. I jumped a little and turned my head to the sound, finding myself staring right into her face. Jess was leaning over and peeking over my shoulder, her eyes narrowed as she was looking closely at what I was doing. No way to hide it . . .OH well.

"Um, just you know . . setting a profile for a site. . and stuff" I felt like a 12 year old boy doing something unseemly caught by his mom.

"Hmm" She muttered as she continued to look. I kinda felt naked at that point. How could she be so sneaky?? I hear her doing everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, and here she snuck up on me.

She pointed at the screen in one spot. "You should mention how you like to laugh in here. Girls like that. Oh, and here, put in about you volunteering at that shelter. I remember you mentioning that in class!" This all felt very very very surreal.

She was biting her lip again. She was wearing a tank, a little loose on top so it draped a bit revealing a nice bit of her cleavage. If I turned my head a bit more I would actually be staring right down her shirt. And there it is. I am getting hard again. Which only reinforced my need to finish this dating profile. Thank God that she wouldn't notice my issue at her angle.

I just started writing as she rattled off ideas. "Oh and you need a picture! Do you have one?" She brought her bright eyes to rest on mine. Words were difficult to come by. "Um . .I have a few."

I opened up a folder on my laptop and started bringing up some old photos.

She smiled and grabbed a chair to pull up right next to me. Her knee rested against my thigh as she leaned in right next to me. I smelled the scent of her body wash. It was mixed with some other very sweet scents. Together they made up 'Jess.' "May I?" She looked at me expectantly. I nodded. Apparently she liked pictures as she was smiling the whole time while she flipped through my collection.

And then it happened. A picture of Diane popped up. I didn't think about that picture being there. And my heart wrenched in my chest. I took the picture of her on the beach on our second anniversary trip. In those days of not making much money we just jumped in the car and drove to the beach looking for a cheap hotel. And we found one. We were young and carefree in those days, thinking we had a lifetime to share in front of us. We were so naive.

"Oh she is very pretty. Who is she?" She didn't glance at me as she studied the picture.

"That's . . . Diane"

Jess must have heard the change in my voice because she stopped completely and looked right at me, looking very concerned. I could see her mind racing, processing. She didn't know. She couldn't possibly know. Well unless she saw it in the paper or something. But it happened during last summer while all undergrads were at home. And everyone who knew gave me a lot of space that summer by not talking about it much so it was a relatively silent . . .tragedy.

"I .. . " She began. She was searching for words, words that wouldn't come very easily. What could she say? She couldn't say that she was sorry as she didn't know why. And she couldn't ask for details as she could see that it was not a topic to be pursued. In her position I would probably run away from this conversation. I just looked into her eyes. I couldn't speak as I was afraid I might spiral into crying so I just tried to convey the 'it's ok' look.

She didn't know the details but she seemed to understand that there was pain there. Lots of pain, really. Her hand came to rest on mine and she squeezed it. A silent comfort. It took everything I could to keep the tears from coming. She was being sweet and sensitive and sincere with her concern. It was written all over her face. And that made it even harder.

"Maybe we can work on this a little later," I handed her the laptop and headed towards the bathroom. I needed a reset. I needed to do what I usually do when a single small thing triggers it all: I needed to escape and forget. I closed the bathroom door and splashed water all over my face, rubbing my eyes. I looked into the mirror at the man that I had become. This isn't getting any easier.

I flushed the toilet as if that would make her think nothing was wrong. As if. As I exited and headed towards my room, I could see her at the table still looking at the picture. She glanced my direction and gave a very sympathetic smile. Dammit. Tears were coming. I nodded and quickly headed into my room. Maybe a nap or something would help. Probably not but why not. So I laid down.

++++++++++++

I awoke to a light rapping sound on my door. "Dr. H?" She was whispering. I rolled off of my bed and strolled to the door, running my hand through my hair. I opened it to find Jess tentatively standing in front of me.

"Hi." She had her hands locked behind her back. I think she was trying to look non-threatening or something. Part of me wanted her to be careful around me, making me feel cared about. Part of me wanted her to stop as it just brought up reasons why I should feel sorry for myself. I didn't know the answer.

"Hi Jess," I tried to do a smile. I don't think it worked.

"How are we doing?" Interesting turn of phrase. I think she was trying to not pin me down to talk but was checking on my general mental health. I can respect that.

"Better, thank you." Another attempted smile with little success. At some point I may talk to her about this, but not today. I am not strong enough to do it today.

"I was just throwing together some lunch if you'd like to join me?" She was tip toeing her way through this conversation. When people are sweet and nice and caring, it just makes it harder. And she was doing all of those things.

"What time is it?" I rarely wear a watch now-a-days. It fits my irresponsible personality, I am afraid.

"2:10." Her knowing the precise minute fit hers. "I let you .. rest .. a bit. I didn't want to disturb you." Her eyes were pleadingly nice. Yes she was physically beautiful. I noticed that even more recently. But right now, she was just beautiful. Her smile just beamed that beauty to me. Such a sweet girl.

I ran my hand through my hair again. I needed to get out of this or I was going to collapse. "I would love to join you for lunch, Jess." I reached behind her shoulder , turning her and used my fingers to guide her back to the kitchen, pressing gently against the small of her back. It's almost as if me escaping the doorway and moving to the kitchen would effectively move both of us past this.

I grabbed a seat at the table and watched her go to work. "Ham sandwiches ok, Dr. H?" She glanced at me and I nodded with a smile. I rose and grabbed some glasses to fix some drinks for us and started filling with ice.

"Hold on, didn't you have work today at one?"

She forced a small smile 'Yeah, but things changed. I will go in around 2:30. No biggie"

"Jess, did you . . . " She reached over and squeezed my arm to silence me, giving me a small very pretty smile. "It's ok, Dr. H. Like I said, no biggie."

And she finished making the sandwiches, topped with little fancy toothpicks to hold the sandwiches together. Only she would add that touch.

We sat down across from each other at the table. The sandwich was pretty good. Simple. The toothpick made it exceptional. Its all about presentation.

"Jess . . . " She looked at me. " . . . thank you."

She knew I wasn't just thanking her for the sandwich. "You are very welcome, Dr. H." And I knew she just wasn't talking about the sandwich either.

"One day we can talk. . about. . it. Ok?" She just nodded, her eyes locked on mine and her sandwich forgotten for a moment. There she was studying me again.

She seemed to be finished with her analysis as she resumed her meal with another bite. "Let me know if you need any more help with your profile thingie." She waved her hand at the laptop casually, but seemed to keep an eye closely watching my reactions. I cannot blame her at all. She doesn't want to break the fragile basket case sharing a sandwich with her.

"Great. Listen, about that." I paused to finish chewing. "It's not a big deal or anything. Just something I have been pushing around for a bit. Its mostly to keep my brother off my back."

She nodded seriously, listening. I think she was looking for the meaning between my words. "Sure. No big deal. But I didn't find any good . . um .. pictures of you." She took another bite for a moment. "There are actually very few of you."

"By design." I smiled, glad to get out of the other topic-which-shall-not-be-named. She giggled. "Anyway, I think I can help."

"How?"

"I am going to take your picture."

"Oh no, Jess. You don't have to do that. I am sure I have something somewhere."

"No arguing mister, I am totally taking your photo." She raised an eyebrow as if to challenge me to continue in my disagreement. I knew better.

"Fine, fine. Let's keep it simple shall we?"

"Whatevs," she smiled. "We will do a glam session tomorrow night. I want to think it through. .. What will be the best outfits and poses and stuff. Cool??"

"Ok." I really didn't want to do this. Diane always was arguing with me about taking my photo and I tried to avoid it at all cost. I guess I need a photo if I am going to do the dating thing so I should just bite the bullet. I turned to her as she finished her last bite. "Thanks Jess. Again."

She just smiled her sweet smile and squeezed my arm again. "You are very welcome, Dr. H. You have done so much for me so it's the least I can do!!" And with that she cleaned up her plate and quickly walked to her bedroom muttering as she went, "I need to quickly change for work. I will be back around 8:15."

She was still talking loudly as her door closed and she changed, I assumed. "Don't do too much of your profile until I get back!" She yelled through the door, "You need me to make it awesome!" A minute or two pause took place until she opened her door again wearing her standard button white shirt and black pants for work. "Now think through the questions while I am gone, but definitely don't make it permanent. I need to proof it." She was wagging her finger at me. She smiled again. I just stared at her nodding.

"Good," she said as she grabbed her keys and phone. She placed her hand on my shoulder and rubbed it for a moment and then walked out the door.

I was feeling several emotions at that moment. I ended up with just confusion.

++++++++++++

I was semi-productive without Jess around. At about 9:00 I heard the key in the apartment door. Jess came in and looked a little tired. "Heya Dr. H," she managed a smile. I closed my laptop and stood up.

"You weren't finishing your profile without me, were you?"

I shook my head and smiled "No ma'am, I listen to directions." She laughed, "the only guy I know in that category!" She had moved to the sofa and was slipping off her shoes. She began to rub her sock-covered feet with her fingers.

"Feet bothering you?"

"Yeah. It was a shorter shift but I had to move around a lot more. Only two of us there really."

I nodded and moved to the sofa. I wasn't really thinking things through at that moment but I slipped into the seat beside her and patted my lap. "Allow me, please."

She eyed me for a moment seeminggly considering it and then shrugged with a slight smile. "I am not gonna argue."

She brought her feet up to my lap. I slipped off her socks and slowly started pressing my thumbs into the soles of her feet. And then she started to make these rather satisfied sounds. Her eyes closed and her head tilted back with a semi-permanent slight smile etched on her face. And I found myself watching her face feeling pretty happy. For the first time in awhile.

It's a very nice feeling taking care of someone. I personally have aways had this itch to do that. And Jess needed me at that moment in the rather trivial matter of achey feet. Happy to serve! This was what was called a mutually beneficial activity.

And in some ways I was returning the favor from earlier. I knew she stuck around the apartment to make sure I was OK. I was embarrassed that she had to, but at this stage in my life it was nice for someone to notice when I was in need.

I moved my fingers across her feet. They were very pretty actually. She could could have just had a pedicure but they were perfectly cared for. Her nails were painted with tiny cute flower designs on each one. They must be like little toenail tattoos? I didn't even know they existed. She started wiggling her toes, her eyes still closed. I covered every inch of her feet: toes, heel, arch, top, ankles even. She muttered a "thank you Dr. H" as her breathing started to change. She was falling asleep.

And I was pretty content to just hold her feet in my lap.

I woke suddenly to a dark room. Jess was next to me, still asleep. I hadn't meant to fall asleep, I was just enjoying a lovely comfortable moment. where I felt useful I saw her shape in the dark and heard her breathing. She was out of it. I slipped out from underneath her, being very careful not to wake her. I was able to slightly turn her onto her back and slipped my arms beneath her knees and her back, lifting her up. Her head naturally fell against my chest, nestled there as if she was resting against a pillow. That's a nice feeling, having her head against my chest.

I gently carried her to her room, carefully avoiding the creak trap, laying her in her bed and bringing the comforter up on top of her. I then kissed her cheek and she muttered something in her sleep. Did she just smile a little bit?

I do not know why I kissed her. Well that's not true as I do know why: I used to do that with Diane when she fell asleep on the couch. I kind of felt like I was in auto-pilot for a moment there.

I was the night owl and Diane was the early bird. She would sometimes prop her feet up on me and sort of curl up on the other side of the couch while we watched something together or even when I was just reading. I used to just love watching her sleep, as creepy as that sounds, as she always had this very content, comfortable, sweet look on her face. When it was finally time for me to head to bed, I would carefully carry her and tuck her in, giving her a light kiss before slipping into bed myself. That was one of the many things I missed. Achingly.

I stared at Jess for a few moments longer. The moonlight streamed through the parted curtain and illuminated her face. She had already snuggled up into the blankets, her hands angelically tucked under her head on the pillow.

I then went to my room and just laid in bed and stared at the ceiling for what seemed like forever.