"You know that I love you, don't you? I have loved you since I first saw you. If he leaves you, I would be there for you and I would love to have you as my wife."

I didn't know what to say, but I had to be honest with him. I didn't love him that way and I could never consider marrying anyone other than Al. If Al left me, I would be alone because I would never remarry. I could never love another man like I loved Al. I told him this and I could see the sadness and disappointment on his face but he accepted what I told him. He even said that he would still marry me if I would have him and maybe I could grow to love him. I smiled sadly but told him that it would never work for me.

I went home to face Al but found him to be strangely calm. He was sitting in the family room watching TV and didn't look up as I entered. I went in and sat down in my chair and watched him for a few moments. I finally got up the nerve to talk to him.

"Don't you have anything to say to me? Aren't you angry with me for what I did? I won't blame you if you want to yell at me and tell me how stupid I am for what I did. I just need to know what you're feeling right now."

"I don't know what I'm feeling. I am angry, yes, but I also know the incredible pressure I've put you under these past three years. If you felt the need to go find someone else, I can understand. I hate it, but I do understand."

"But I had no excuse to do what I did. I made a promise to you 33 years ago and I should have had the courage to either keep it or tell you I wanted out. I did neither. I am ashamed of what I did and I don't expect you to forgive me. I can't forgive myself."

"You shouldn't feel that way. I pushed you into doing this thing. I know that and I accept the blame for it. You are a beautiful woman and I am not surprised that you found someone else."

"You don't understand. I didn't find someone else. I found you again and you are all I ever wanted. I love you more than my own life. Woody was someone who reminded me of the woman I used to be and the woman that you married. I can't tell you why I let it go to the extent it did. I didn't want that and I never even thought about it for months while he and I were doing things."

"You don't have to do this. I told you I understand. You and I haven't been intimate for years. I don't blame you for looking elsewhere. I don't."

"Please don't excuse me for what I did. I was wrong and you should be angry that I betrayed you. You never left me even when things fell apart. You were sick and needed me and I wasn't there. You know that's true so don't make excuses for me. I can't and I won't! I was wrong and I will never forgive myself."

Al and I talked for the next few hours. I was becoming frustrated that he wouldn't get angry and treat me the way I felt I should be treated. He should be angry, even furious but he remained calm and tried to accept all of the blame for my deceit. I wouldn't let him. But as the hours went by, I began to wonder if I had finally killed all of the love he used to have for me and that was why he couldn't get angry. He didn't care! The more we talked, the more I came to believe that. I finally got up and went into the bedroom to cry to myself. I knew I had lost everything.

For days, we talked to each other but came to no agreements and no understanding. Al continued to be calm and not push blame on me and I continued to expect him to lash out at me in anger and disappointment, but it didn't happen. We lived together but not with each other. I became despondent and my work began to suffer. Woody made excuses for me and finally suggested that I take some time off. I agreed and went home to try to salvage what I could from my broken marriage.

Al told me one day soon after that he had to go out of town for several days for a meeting with a prospective employer. I wanted to go with him but he declined, saying that he was going to be moving around some and that he would have no time to spend with me. I finally agreed to stay home while he went.

I knew something was wrong by the end of the next day when I hadn't heard from him. He hadn't called and when I called his cell phone, it went straight to voice mail. I continued to try to contact him but with no success. It was three days later when the doorbell rang. I answered to find a strange man standing there with a briefcase in one hand and an envelope in the other. I asked him his business.

"Are you Mrs. Angelina Bennington? Wife of Albert Bennington?"

"Yes, I am. Who are you and what do you want?"

"My name is Henry Green and I am an attorney representing Mr. Bennington. May I come in for a few minutes? I have something here for you from your husband. It is important that I explain some things to you."

I let him in with some confusion and some foreboding. He went directly into the kitchen and put his briefcase and the envelope on the table in front of him. He was looking at me, waiting for me to join him. I slowly went in and sat down, expecting I knew not what.

"Where is my husband Mr. Green? Where is he and why are you here?"

"First, Mr. Bennington has left the country but has hired me to take care of some very important details. He wanted you to have this first."

Left the country? What did he mean? I was trying to process what he had told me when he handed me the envelope. I opened it to find a divorce agreement inside already signed by Al with his signature notarized. I couldn't read it with my eyes full of tears but the man took it from me and began to read the conditions.

"Item 1: I relinquish all rights to the property listed below and transfer those rights to my wife, Angelina Bennington.

Item 2: I agree to the sum of $1500 a week to be deposited in the bank of Angelina's designation: this money to be used at her discretion.

Item 3: I agree to pay the balance on the mortgage of $32,500 now existing on the property listed below in full by the last day of the current month.

Item 4: I relinquish all claims on any of the properties or possessions remaining at the property listed below. All properties are given without condition to Angelina Bennington.

These are the only conditions of the divorce agreement requested by Mr. Bennington. The property referred to is this property and all it's possessions. Are these conditions satisfactory?"

I just nodded my head yes in shock. Where had Al gotten the money to pay off the mortgage and to give me a weekly amount like that? I was confused as well as devastated.

"Mr. Bennington made an agreement with the Federal Government to provide information on certain transactions in exchange for releasing some of his offshore accounts. I can tell you that those accounts I am familiar with do not amount to much more than he has offered to you. They are sufficient to guarantee the promised amounts but not much more."

He then opened his briefcase and handed me several photographs of Woody and I while in his apartment the night I betrayed our marriage. I looked at them in shock. How had these been taken and who took them? They were so close that the photographer had to be standing right next to us, but I knew that wasn't true. I was clearly shown in lewd positions in many of them.

I looked up in humiliation at the man watching me. He said nothing and his expression was bland.

"Mr. Bennington asked me to give these to you and to tell you that the negatives have been destroyed. You have all existing copies. In case you are wondering, a camera in the picture frame Mr. Meisner keeps on his dresser took the pictures. It was installed as part of the observation of you and Mr. Bennington. Since you choose to tell him of this indiscretion, Mr. Bennington had no reason to keep them."

"Finally, Mr. Bennington asked me to give you this CD. It is sealed and I do not know what is on it. It is for your eyes only."

"If you need to contact me for anything or if you need anything that isn't provided, please call me at this number."

With that, he handed me a card, closed his briefcase and told me that he could show himself out. He left me there with my life in a mess and my marriage gone. I sat there in my kitchen staring at the photos scattered across my kitchen table showing me as the slut I became for that night as well as the divorce papers resulting from my behavior. I couldn't understand what had become of my life. I knew what I had done but I never in my wildest dreams could have considered the consequences that I had reaped.

I couldn't face whatever was on the CD then. I had to do something or go crazy. I ran out to my car and just drove around for hours. I had no destination, no real friends other than Woody and no one I could confide in. I was so alone and I just now realized it. It was several hours later that I drove back home, not knowing what I was going to do. I pulled into our driveway but couldn't seem to find the energy to get out of the car. I sat there for the longest time but finally knew I couldn't postpone it any longer. I went in to listen to the CD and to Al's final words.

I fixed myself a cup of strong coffee and got my CD player and put it on the kitchen table, the table where Al and I had discussed so many things. The table that held the little note telling me that Al had returned to me. He had fixed me dinner. I noticed too late.

Chapter 2

I began the CD and heard Al's words.

Angie, by now you know that I have left, but I didn't leave you for what you did. I left because of what I did. I caused you so much pain over the last few years. I brought you disgrace, and despair and pain in abundance. I know that now but it took so long for me to realize it. I am so sorry for doing that to you.

I held out telling the Feds what they wanted to hear from some perverted sense of loyalty to people that didn't care about me. They only cared about money, just as did I. But by holding out for them, I hurt you and our marriage and I forgot that my first loyalty should have been to us. I finally realized that one day about two weeks ago when I woke up late one morning after you had gone to work. I spent most of the day just sitting around feeling sorry for myself and wanting to talk to you. I waited for you to come home but fell asleep in the family room and slept right through dinner. You came home and had fixed something to eat but you apparently went back out later so when I finally woke, you had already gone again. I waited for you that evening but as usual went to bed so early that I was asleep when you came home. It occurred to me the next morning that I had gone a whole day and not even seen or talked to you. I had done that many days before apparently but I was so wrapped up in my own self pity that I didn't even notice. It was then that I decided to change my life.

I called the Federal Prosecutor's office the next morning and offered to talk to them in exchange for their help in getting back to normal. They set me up with a shrink and I began to work with him. I had stopped taking my meds some time before but you didn't know it. This time I stayed on them and since I was desperate to change my life, I made rapid progress getting my life back on track. You were unaware of all of this as you were usually out in the evenings.

Once I was able to function again, I made certain arrangements with the Feds to allow me access to some of my accounts while I told them what they wanted to know. We worked together to set up the conditions Mr. Green gave you when he also gave you this CD.

At this point, I stopped the CD to think about what he had told me so far. This was all news to me and I never understood that he was keeping things back from the government. All this time, he could have been cooperating and we could have been living a different life? I became angry, as I finally understood what he was saying. I wanted to hear more.

I did not take the pictures that you now have. They took them during their routine surveillance of you and I. They knew at all times who you were with and whom you worked with. I never knew or suspected anything until they talked to me a few weeks ago and told me they had been watching us for some time. The pictures were given to me just a few days ago but since you had already told me of your affair, I had no interest in them. I never looked at them in case you were wondering. I insisted that they be destroyed and they agreed since they didn't care about you.

I began to notice that you had a life that I knew nothing about soon after I started back on the meds and working with the shrink. You were rarely home in the evenings and you had begun to dress differently and you were working out and everything about you was new and different. As I discussed this with the doctor, I began to understand that you had moved on and found someone else. I was sad at first but I soon realized that I had pushed you too far and you had waited too long. I had come to my senses too late to save our marriage. I had lost you and I had to come to terms with that. It was the price I had to pay for my misplaced loyalty.

As I became more able to control my life, I gave the government what they wanted and more than they expected and they allowed me to arrange for the money to pay the mortgage and to pay you alimony. It is all I asked for and I needed no more. I wanted you to have this so that you wouldn't have to worry or struggle to make the payments. I hope it is enough.

Finally, I know that I drove you away and that I destroyed our love. I don't blame you for looking for love someplace else and I hope you have found what you were missing with me. I knew that I had to leave to allow you to go on with your life. I wish you well and happiness in your future. Please don't feel guilty about what you did since you have no need to.

Goodbye Angelina and be well. I still love you as much as the day I married you. I am so sorry for destroying all we had together and I hope you can remember the good times we had and can think of me without bitterness.

By the time you listen to this, I will have left the US and my destination is not known to anyone else. I need it that way for my own reasons. I am in no danger from anyone but I need to be somewhere that I can't be found. I don't know for how long but it may be for a very long time. I will be in contact from time to time with Mr. Green but he will contact me only at my direction. There is no need for you to try to have him give me a message or anything like that because he is instructed not to accept anything from you. This is for your benefit, not mine. Try to understand if you can.

With that, the CD ended and all of my worst fears had come home to me. I went into the bedroom and lay down on the bed that I would no longer share with my husband and I cried until I could cry no more. I stayed there until it was too dark to see and then I just took off my clothes and crawled under the covers. I slept finally and awoke late the next morning.

I played the CD again and again; looking for anything that would give me some hope, but there was nothing there. I reviewed the divorce papers looking there for something, but again, nothing. I was beginning to believe that I could do nothing but accept the life I now had but I couldn't let myself do that. I began to plan.

First, it was clear that Al still loved me even after what I did. He left because he loved me and wanted to set me free. He didn't understand that I didn't love Woody and that I didn't want anyone to replace him. I would never love Woody nor would I ever marry him or any other man. That's what Al didn't know and I needed to tell him that.

I also needed to tell him that he wasn't at fault. Yes, he made some mistakes and he did some things that hurt our marriage, but he never deserted our marriage or me. He never turned to another for relief and comfort. I was the one that did that. He needed to know that. I was the one that forgot the promises I made to stay during hard times. Al never left me even though he was in a major depression. He was always home with me. He never asked more of me than I was willing to give, but when he needed me the most, I wasn't there.

Finally, he needed to know that I never held him responsible for what I did. I didn't blame him nor did I use him as an excuse. I found myself trying to please Woody just as I used to please Al. I loved pleasing Al and I had the greatest joy in making love by making my husband happy. I enjoyed sex, but I enjoyed the pleasure I gave more. That's what I was doing with Woody: trying to regain that joy in giving pleasure. I know that's not easy to understand but it's the truth. Al would understand if I could only tell him.

The next morning, I called Mr. Green and made an appointment to see him the next afternoon. I wanted to begin with him even though Al made it clear that Mr. Green would not accept anything for him. That was fine. I just needed to start somewhere.

I called Woody next. I resigned over the phone and told him I would send him my letter of resignation as soon as I could. He tried to talk me out of it and tried to get me to meet him somewhere but I refused. I told him we were through and that I had nothing but respect for him. He had been kind to me and had tried to respect my marriage as long as he could but I made it difficult for him. He was not the guilty one.

Finally, I contacted a private investigator named Clive Owens. I had two jobs for him and he and I met that morning. I gave him a retainer and we set a price that I could afford. He promised to do all he could within my ability to pay and I gave him as much information as I could. He seemed pleased with that and said it gave him a big head start.

By the end of the day, I felt much better. I had begun to do what I could to salvage my marriage to the man I loved beyond all reason. I was not going to accept this without a fight. I knew my chances were slim to none, but I would do all I could, and I was content. I spent my evening cleaning the house and cleaning out my closets. I got rid of everything that reminded me of the past three years and kept all of those things from before that time. I got rid of my new fancy underwear, my hip huggers, my one thong, all of the lacy bras and the perfumes that I bought for the sole purpose of making me attractive to Woody. I remember buying them now with humiliation knowing that was the beginning of my betrayal of my husband. Al called it my affair and while I initially thought he was wrong, I reconsidered. It was an affair, beginning with these things I bought for that very purpose. I had set out to commit adultery and I saw it very clearly now. That brought me to my knees again and my shame kept me in a state of depression until the next morning.

When I woke, I remembered the shame but I also remembered my meeting with Green and I was filled with determination again. So I made a big mistake and I paid for it. Fine, put it aside and go on! I spent the morning writing down my feelings and my reasons for what I did, my love for my husband and my promise to wait for his forgiveness and my intent to remain as his wife. I put it all into a letter to him. I put this into an envelope addressed to Al. He may never get it or read it but I had to try. I dressed in my most conservative suit and wore just enough makeup to look businesslike. I was ready for Mr. Green.

He welcomed me in to his office and had me sit down at a table rather than in front of his desk. He joined me, asked if I wanted something to drink and when I declined, he sat down across from me.

"Well, Mrs. Bennington. I'm surprised to see you again so soon. Is there something that you need from me?"

"Yes, Mr. Green, there is. I want to get in touch with my husband. As soon as possible."