The Self Sufficient Hermit

"Amber... thank you. If you want, we could have a salmon bake this afternoon. Can you stay and share with us?" I was curious. This was a first for Amber. She'd never shown up like this, alone, before. I was also certain she'd known I wasn't alone today too. After all, she'd been in the store that day that Lucy and I met up again.

"That sounds good. I don't want to interfere though."

"You won't be interfering... Amber is it? I'm Lucy...this is Janice and Paul. We're just visiting here for a couple days. J.W. invited us out." Lucy broke into the conversation between Amber and me, while taking my arm in hers.

Amber was cool, and collected, though I thought a saw a spark of something in her eyes as Lucy took my arm in hers. I began to re-think my invitation now. It was too late, and Amber was already walking up the stairs into my cabin. Lucy's grip on my arm had tightened as Amber strode past us. Janice was almost laughing while holding Paul's hand and Paul had a smile on his face as he looked at me. I was going back in my thinking and wanting to be alone again. Life was getting complicated.

I entered my cabin and Amber was over by my sink.

"Hey J.W., do you have a fillet knife? I'll fillet these bad boys and get them ready for you to bake." She smiled at me as she flopped the salmon up on the countertop.

I handed her the knife and stood back. Lucy, Janice and Paul all stood around Amber as she started to fillet the salmon. I knew that Amber had worked at the canneries on the fish line during her high school summers. She was very quick, efficient, and deadly with that knife.

She filleted both salmon in a matter of a couple of minutes. Literally, one minute per salmon. I was always amazed at her skill. She'd leave the guts and skin all in one connected piece, removing just the filleted meat. I noticed that Lucy had a 'yech' grimace on her face... as a matter of fact, so did Paul and Janice too.

I was looking at Amber when I realized that everyone was now looking at me. There was a moment... I think it's called a pregnant pause, before I got the conversation going again.

"Amber worked at the canneries in high school. She's had a lot of practice filleting salmon." I was hoping the conversation would pick up now.

Lucy was staring at Amber then at me... a look on her face I couldn't quite make out. Janice was looking at me and then Lucy, her look was nearly the same as Lucy's. Paul was smiling while trying to not laugh out loud. Amber was looking at me in a very intimate and personal way.

The conversation was still dead. I was getting very uncomfortable. Nobody was even trying to talk.

"So... how about I get the barbeque going? Paul... could you give me a hand please?"

Paul turned to look at me before nodding his head affirmative. We walked out onto my back deck where the built in barbeque was. The three women stayed inside - talking, I supposed.

"You have your hands full partner." Paul was pointing out the obvious to me.

"Yeah. I'm not sure what I should do either." I replied.

"Well, seems to me you have three choices J.W.. You can accept that Lucy is very interested in you and pursue her. You can accept that sweet young Amber is very interested in you too, and you could pursue her... though I think you've got her caught hook, line and sinker already. Or..."

"Or what smart guy?"

"Well, you could run and jump on your boat and get the hell out of Dodge...so-to-speak."

He nailed it in three. All three possibilities had crossed my mind in the past few minutes.

"What would you do?" I was curious.

"Well, if I weren't already hooked on Janice, I'd probably be going after Lucy... only because I know her and what her life is in L.A. and we know the same groups of people. Were I you with your background, I'd probably jump for Amber. She's level headed, at least from what I've seen of her, and she's used to living like you do, you know... wouldn't change you too much maybe. Sometimes one needs to stay with the normal for them, I suppose. Of course, you'd probably do well with Lucy too. She's changed since last summer... a lot. You are a large part of the change in her too. She's been acting far differently than ever before. That alone means quite a bit. In other words... you're on your own partner." He smiled at me as I struck the match to the charcoal in the grill.

"Thanks a lot. You're right though... it's all up to me in the end, no matter what. That boat is looking tempting right now, though."

Paul laughed out loud. He was a pretty cool guy, I thought. He knew me pretty well to know that I'd need to work things out on my own, yet he spoke of alternatives too. He didn't seem to be wishy-washy either. Not quite what I expected from a Hollywood type.

I had an idea now though. The day had opened my eyes somewhat to where I was, where I wanted to be, and who I really needed in my life. My biggest worry was how the other person would take what I had to say. No matter what I did, it appeared that I'd be hurting someone. For a moment I seriously thought about the third choice Paul had mentioned...could I make it to the boat without being caught?

Dinner became a very interesting jousting match. It all started when Lucy asked Amber if she was going to go to college.

"So Amber, do you plan on going to college this fall?"

Amber glanced up at Lucy before answering.

"Probably not. My dad is a guide and I'll probably break into that. Follow the family business all you know." Amber smiled as she finished up.

"I'd imagine that you could take some business classes that would help your father in his business though." Lucy seemed intent on finding out something specific from Amber.

"The University of Alaska offers business courses online. I've been taking them already. Besides, my man lives nearby so I want to be able to see him as much as I can." Amber glanced at me as she responded to Lucy.

Paul and Janice looked at me and both were smiling. I could see in their eyes that they want to burst out laughing. It was obvious that Lucy and Amber were being civil to each other only. They both seemed to have a common agenda, and that seemed to be me.

"Well, it would be good for you to get out and see the world honey. You know, you could find out that there are other things that would be better for you in the long run." Lucy seemed to be gathering some kind of point together.

"I've seen the world...honey... and I know what and who I want in mine." Amber's eyes were fixed upon Lucy now, and the look wasn't pleasant. The 'honey' had come out dripping with sarcasm and ice cold.

Lucy kept pushing... like I'd found she was prone to do.

"But a girl as young as you could learn so much by going to a good university and getting a degree in business or something. Why limit yourself to this little part of the world?"

Amber looked right at me as she replied.

"Look Lucy, we both know we want J.W.. We both are willing to fight for him. You're not going to convince me to go off somewhere and leave him so you can swoop in and claim him. Besides, I know I love him. I've loved him for years, just as he is. He's all I want and need in a man."

I was stunned. I never saw this coming, let alone Amber making a stand over me like this. I was at a loss for words. Janice and Paul were both moving back in their chairs, obviously ready to get in between Lucy and Amber when needed.

"Look Amber, I'm older, more J.W.'s age. To begin with, it would be far better for him to be with someone closer to his age. I'm also quite wealthy so he'd never need anything. I'd give up a lot to be with J.W. and I'm willing to do a lot too."

Amber was looking dangerous now. I kept remembering her filleting that salmon with the oh so sharp fillet knife.

"Well...Lucy...I imagine that you'd try to make J.W. into something to fit your image before you'd allow the world to know you had 'found' someone. I can see you trying to re-build his cabin or possibly bringing in a construction crew to build a mansion here. You'd probably be off making movies most of the year while he'd be here all alone with nobody to love him or show them he's first in their life. I'd bet that you would refuse to have any kids until it was all planned out to precise times too. Then you'd probably insist on having nannies and such to take care of them instead of being a real mom." Amber calmly spoke.

Lucy looked more and more furious as Amber went on.

"Well, you know that when someone with a career like me has kids they have to plan everything out. I have agents, producers and investors all relying on my being there to get the job done. I make the money I do by being there, not off in some hodunk little part of the earth playing earth momma to a bunch of snot nosed kids!" Lucy lost it.

Janice jumped up and came around to pull Lucy out of her chair and force-marched her outside. Paul looked at me, all the mirth was gone now...he had a sad smile as he got up and headed out the front door, away from Janice, Lucy, me and Amber.

"I'm so sorry J.W. I didn't mean to get her so upset. I did mean to claim my territory though. I won't apologize for that. I'll leave now... I don't think I should stick around after this." Amber looked as if she were about to cry.

It hit me right then... I'd been ignoring it for a long time, but I knew now what had been bothering me about Lucy. She thought she loved me, and maybe she did in her way, but the real truth was that her career would always come first and foremost. I'd always be second run for her. Amber, on the other hand, was putting me first in her life. She was going to avoid leaving the area so that she could continue to try to get me to fall in love with her.

The problem was that Amber didn't know that I couldn't fall in love with her now. I'd never be able to fall in love with her in the future either. I realized, right at that moment that I couldn't fall in love with Lucy because I was already in love with someone else.

Amber.

I loved Amber.

Amber stood up to leave and I stood with her. Reaching out I took her into my arms. Her tears started as her head touched my shoulder. Hugging her tightly I kissed the top of her head.

"I'm so sorry J.W. I always seem to mess things up right when I'm doing real good with you. I just love you so much and..."

"Shhhh. Listen Amber, you go straighten yourself up, dry your eyes and make yourself presentable. I'll talk to Lucy and the others for a bit and then you and I need to have a long serious talk. Okay?"

I kissed the top of her head once again and sent her off to my master bathroom. Turning and walking outside I found Lucy and Janice talking. As I walked up Janice stepped back from Lucy and gave me a serious look.

"Stick around close but let me have a minute with Lucy please Janice?" I asked.

Janice walked off a ways to sit on a log by my deck. Lucy was looking at me, tears in her eyes. This was going to be one of the most difficult things I'd ever done to date. It had to be done though.

"Lucy, we need to talk."

"I know. J.W., I'm sorry. I think I know what you're going to say and you're probably right...you and I won't work out in the long run. I do love you, you know. I really truly do. I just can't walk away from my life though. I need what I do to feel human. I need to be where I am too. I can also see that I wouldn't be good for you and you wouldn't like being Mr. Lucy anything. You're a man's man and you need to feel like you are the most important thing to your wife. Me, well for me, my career has to come first. I think it'd be best if we just called in and had Joe pick us up later today." Lucy had tears running down her cheeks now.

I felt badly, but she hadn't said anything that I wasn't thinking or that I hadn't thought of over the winter. The only surprise to me was my discovering that I loved Amber in 'that' kind of way.

I hugged Lucy to me, being careful to not invite something more. She hugged me back and then as we broke apart by mutual consent, she leaned forward and kissed my lips softly. It was more of a friend's kiss rather than a lover's kiss.

Lucy motioned to Janice and they both walked around the cabin towards the front, probably to see Paul.

I turned around to see Amber standing in the doorway looking out onto the back deck of the cabin. She looked sad and lonely. Motioning to her I waited as she walked slowly up to me.

"Your parents know you are out here?"

She looked into my eyes with a bit of confusion.

"Uh, mom knows I was going to come out. I mean... I told her I wanted to come this way to do some fishing."

"So, it's kind of late for you to make the trip back by boat. Do you want to fly back in with Lucy, Janice and Paul?"

Ambers head snapped up as she looked into my eyes. I could see reluctance and fear in them.

"I'd have to fly back with her?"

"It wouldn't be that big of a chore Amber."

"You have no idea. J.W., I love you, I really do. I know that Lucy has a lot more to offer you than I do..."

"Amber, stop. Do you know why Lucy is leaving today instead of tomorrow like she planned?"

"Uh, no."

"Because we both came to a realization about life and us."

Her eyes fell to the ground as I imagine her heart was too.

"Amber, she knows now, as do I, that she and I wouldn't ever have worked out. She also knows now that I love someone else."

"Someone else? You love someone else? WHO? Who do you love J.W.? I thought it was between me and that woman only. Who is it? Is it that Janice woman?"

I almost laughed as her eyes grew fire in them so quickly.

"Nope. Not Lucy. Not Janice and certainly not Paul. Nope, the woman I love is standing right here in front of me."

"What?" Amber looked confused.

"Amber, what I'm trying to say is that I realized today, this afternoon in fact, that I love you. I really do. So if you want to fly back to town with them you can, or you could stay here with me."

Amber jumped up and hugged me tight. Her legs wrapped around my body, locking onto me firmly. Her lips were all over my face as she kissed me again and again. Pulling back she looked into my eyes with her tear filled ones.

"I love you J.W., no matter what."

"I love you Amber. No matter what"

She wasn't letting go of me, so I supposed I'd better get used to carrying around an extra hundred pounds give or take. It felt good though. It really did.

We saw Lucy, Janice and Paul off. There were no real hard feelings between any of us, but there was the sad realization of something that wasn't going to happen. As soon as the Beaver lifted off in flight I turned to Amber.

"So, do you think you'll want to call your mom and dad and let them know you won't be home tonight... and where you'll be?"

I was curious if she'd tell them exactly where she was. This was the big step for her as an adult and for them as parents. It was also a huge step for me. If Amber chose to stay the night with me I wasn't so sure that we'd be in separate beds. I also knew that I was going to open up my home and heart to this young woman...totally.

I wondered what her mom and dad would say...or think?

Amber rang and told them where she was staying. Her mom's response when she found out that her only daughter was going to be spending the night with an older man you might wonder? She said, and I quote, "Well it's about damn time."