The Short Happy Life of Island Bill

I said, "You might think that I am planning a civil action and that could still happen. But all you would have to do to bury this problem forever are two simple things.

"First, fire Todd Breckenridge for gross malfeasance, which you are going to do anyhow.

"Second, promote my soon to be ex-wife into his position."

He looked poleaxed. He had no problem honoring the first request.

We both knew that he was going to make fuck-face disappear with extreme prejudice. It might not be like it was in the good old days of the Inquisition. But the Jesuits are still very good at disappearing people who have become inconvenient.

But why give Janet a big promotion? It made no sense to him.

In order to help his decision process I said with all of the fake sincerity that I could muster, "Of course I am divorcing her. But I don't want to leave her destitute. It was Breckenridge who seduced her so she is in essence a victim here."

I didn't believe that for one second. But I had my own reasons to get the guy to accede to my demand. And since he was a priest I thought he might buy-into that particular genetically engineered version of the truth.

It also underscored my position as a good guy.

My actual motives were a lot less altruistic. I knew that it would absolutely destroy Breckenridge to be outright canned and then discover that Janet had his job.

He would detect my fine hand in that, which was exactly what I hoped.

I also knew that Janet would suffer tons of agonizing guilt if she was promoted for shitting on me.

More to the point, it would mean that she was making more money than I was, hence no alimony.

I was not going to pay the bitch one red cent for her treachery.

Finally, and more deliciously, if she had just aced shithead out of his job it would probably prevent any further getting together between her and him. It might actually make him want to throttle her, which was okay by me.

How I got this vindictive was a puzzlement. But Janet's betrayal was one of those tectonic shifts that had changed me. And the person who was emerging from that cataclysm was a brand new, not particularly nice version of my former self.

I believe it was the great American philosopher Arnold Schwarzenegger who said, "That which does not kill you makes you stronger." Well that was the case with me. I was Conan the Barbarian himself now.

The President cogitated for a minute and then he said, "Okay, we can do that. I don't think that your wife should benefit from her immorality. But I can see where it will make it extremely uncomfortable for both of them. Which is a fitting reward for their sins."

Then he gave me a conspiratorial wink. The old boy had it all figured out. He was pretty knowledgeable for a man who had sworn to never take a wife.

And after what I was going through, I was beginning to think that he might have the right idea.

I said, "So we're in agreement. You will fire Breckenridge tomorrow and formally promote Janet?"

He said, "As long as the evidence of their affair never sees the light of day."

I said, "You can count on that. Since, it is too humiliating for me personally. It might be displayed in the Judge's Chambers during the divorce but that is privileged information that cannot be legally shared."

The old guy actually patted me on the back as I left. He seemed almost giddy at how cleverly the two of us had administered justice.

The rest of the day was uneventful. I bought the bachelor essentials, beer and a few good cigars.

The real pain hadn't hit full force yet. That would happen when the infinite parade of lonely days started marching past.

I pounded a six pack and smoked a Dominican Cohiba as I was sitting in the aft part of the cockpit. I was savoring the pain that I was about to inflict on Janet.

That thought was the only thing that was keeping me from tying one of the boat's anchors around my ankles and diving into the river.

She would be getting home about now. And she would find all of the lovely gifts that I had left for her.

First there would be my note, accompanied by her little porn show.

That would be followed by the divorce petition and then a night of getting used to life without me as her husband.

I hoped she was suffering as much as I was. Anger and retribution are an excellent antidote when your only thoughts are about how badly you miss your wife and how much you still love her.

Then the weight of the injustice landed on me like one of those cartoon safes and I found myself howling at the moon, "WHY??!!"

My God! That was embarrassing!!

----

Day four of the rest of my life promised another nice sunny April day.

I followed the previous day's routine. The buffet was satisfying. The long walk from Foggy Bottom to the University was stimulating. And I absolutely aced my lecture. The students looked appropriately worshipful as they picked up their stuff and filed out.

I was thankful that one part of me was still functioning, which was the academician. I have always been a researcher and an avid teacher. That has led to a successful career.

Now I was ready to double-down and bury myself in my work. It made me look forward to the future.

What happened next was probably the Fates giving me back something for fucking me over in the first place. I didn't plan it. It was pure happenstance. But it was delicious.

As I walked back toward 37th street I passed in front of the Dean's Office. When who should appear but two burly campus policemen and Todd Breckenridge.

They all seemed to be moving in the general direction of the parking lot. It looked like he was being escorted off campus for the last time.

The moment he laid eyes on me he started to yell, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!! I know you did this to me!! You and that lying cunt I had so much fun fucking!!"

And he broke from his escort to run at me.

I saw him coming all the way. And as he approached I turned toward him with a completely self-satisfied smirk on my face. I needed him to know how pleased I was.

I could see what was about to happen and made a split second decision. I could definitely use this.

I deflected the haymaker that he threw with my shoulder. And it bounced off the very top of my head.

It actually hurt a bit. But the flop I executed was worthy of a Brazilian soccer player in the last minutes of the World Cup.

I let out a loud cry of pain, threw my hands up and almost somersaulted backwards to lie sprawled on my back on the sidewalk.

As my arm went up I managed to flip my sun glasses spectacularly into the air to land another ten feet behind me. It looked like a devastating blow.

It was a masterpiece of the art of acting.

Shithead was about to follow up with a kick to my ribs when the first campus cop reached him.

The guy grabbed him around the neck with his beefy forearm and threw a punch to fuckface's kidney that made his eyes glaze over.

Then he threw him face first on the sidewalk and the other one handcuffed him.

While that was all going on I arose to my feet selling injured and extremely woozy.

The other cop picked up my sunglasses and handed them to me. I looked at him gratefully and said in my most humble voice, "Thank you for saving me officer. I was so frightened"

After I did it I was afraid that I had laid on too much horseshit. But the cop looked stalwart and said with false modesty, "No need to thank me. Just doing my job."

My little voice was laughing its ass off. But none of that showed in my eyes.

He said, "What do you want us to do with this guy Professor Butler? Do you want to press charges?"

This was getting a whole lot better than I could have ever imagined. My little voice was rubbing its hands together in glee. A felony ought to look nice on shithead's already tarnished resume.

I said in my most indignant, "highly civilized" tone of voice, "Of course I do officer. That man assaulted me in broad daylight right here on our campus. I will do whatever it takes to ensure orderliness and civility here."

I knew I sounded like a total wimp. But it was worth it. I play the long game. And what's a little short term macho sacrificed if I could ruin shithead's life forever.

Playing the badly injured victim like I was only made his unprovoked assault on me seem all the more heinous - "hee-hee-hee".

My little voice was thinking to itself, "Shithead ought to enjoy his 90 days in the DC Jail. Then we can talk about the civil suit."

I truly believe that karma has a way of making things balance. And this was one of those golden moments.

-----

Sunday night I was sitting on the quarterdeck of the boat. It was looking like the six-pack and cigar ritual was going to become a daily event.

The weather had warmed up and the Cherry Blossoms at the Tidal Basin were in full bloom.

It had finally hit me that I was totally alone and waves of sorrow just washed over me. The dark desolation set in.

That was when my phone rang. I have gotten into the habit of checking the caller ID to make sure I didn't accidently answer one of Janet's calls. She had stopped calling as frequently as she had earlier but she still called a couple of times a day. I think that was just to keep on my radar.

It was Jill so I answered. She said, "Can we meet for lunch tomorrow?"

I said, "Sure babe. As long as your husband doesn't mind having his sexy woman dining with a single guy."

She said with some heat, "You aren't single yet and that's what I wanted to talk to you about."

A bolt of angst shot through me. The last thing I wanted to do was have a conversation about Janet.

I said, "You aren't going to try to talk to me about getting back together with her are you? And if she is there when I arrive I am going to turn around and walk away."

She said, "I know better than that and so does she. I just want to update you about her and talk about the way forward. I promise no justifications, or begging."

I said, "Well in that case let's meet at 2:15 at the Tombs. This is exam week but I have to eat."

She said, "See you there." I didn't like her tone of voice. It sounded like she was steeling herself for a confrontation.

The next day I was sitting in the Tombs with a beer in front of me admiring the décor. The place truly looks like a campus hangout and the lunches aren't half bad.

Jill appeared in the door and I waved her over. I forgot how much she looked like a less busty version of Janet. The sight of her sent an arrow through my heart.

She was wearing a simple black skirt and frilly white top. With her cute face, slim figure and dressed as she was she could easily pass for a coed.

Except she was 15 years out of school.

She smiled with her mouth but not her eyes as she came bustling over and sat down.

She said, "How are you doing? I heard Todd Breckenridge beat you up on Friday. Are you okay?

"He is still in the DC Jail. They are making it an aggravated assault charge because the officers witnessed it and they said that he really messed you up. That is a felony you know. He is going to get some prison time for sure. He could get a year for that."

Ah, the beneficial effects of good acting.

I said, "The rumors of my demise are a little overstated. And how do you know all of that?"

I actually knew why she knew it. And it sent a fresh wave of pain through me. But I wanted it confirmed.

She said, "Because he called Janet to try to convince her to bail him out. She laughed at him and hung up."

I poured Jill a beer from my pitcher and said, "So let's cut to the chase. I know you are not here because of my overwhelming charm and sex appeal."

She dimpled prettily and said, "Well, if it wasn't for my love for Tom it could be. But yes, I want to close the loop. I know you won't talk to Janet but it is cruel to just let her dangle. So I am here in her place.

"She is totally devastated, as I suppose you know. She never expected you to find out. But she also told me that she knew how smart you are and she should have known you would discover a way.

"By the way, what tipped you off?"

I said, "If I had not tried to make a romantic gesture I would still have been the ignorant but happy cuckold. And in some respects I wish I hadn't. I rushed over to Union Station to surprise her with flowers for her trip and I saw her and Breckenridge boarding the train. I didn't like the way they were interacting with each other.

"I am not going to get into the details of how I caught them. That is too technical and boring. But I can assure you that I was, in effect, standing in the same room for the entire five hour ordeal. I saw everything that they did and I heard it all, including the pillow talk."

Jill's eyes widened. She said, "Then you already know what was happening. I don't have to explain it."

I said, "Well, I recognized most of it. You might explain to me how a woman could enjoy anal sex as much as Janet did though. I would think that would really hurt."

Jill looked disgusted. She said, "You know what I'm talking about. You know why she did it."

I said, and I was actually not trying to play dumb here," I really don't know what you are talking about. And it was obvious why she did it. She loved all five hours of it. THAT I know."

Jill said, "You couldn't tell from the pillow talk that she was in bed with the guy because he had finally pressured her into having sex with him? It was the only time. And she was doing it because he promised her that if she gave herself to him that one time he would leave her alone."

THAT might have been the most personally insulting statement I had ever heard come out of anybody's mouth. Janet's excuse sounded more like a handy-dandy gambit to avoid personal responsibility than a rational explanation.

Nobody could think that I was that excruciatingly simple minded unless they were totally brain dead.

My little voice said, "Excuse me?!! Does she think I'm an idiot?!!"

Seriously!!?? Jill had to be a very loyal indeed if she was willing to truck that wheelbarrow full of horseshit in here.

Janet's explanation was so marvelously self-serving that I almost thought that she believed it herself. And if she truly thought that she could back that cockhound off by fucking him, she was even stupider than her friend.

I wanted to say, "Let me give you a more likely explanation. In Janet's mind, that asshole's pushing her for sex gave her a convenient 'get out of jail free' card to sample some strange"

But Jill was looking at me with sincerity. She really believed the bitch. What a faithful friend!

So I said, "That was never mentioned in between the spectacular bouts of jungle sex. Of course most of what I overhead was them catching their breath.

"He DID tell her that she was the hottest fuck he had ever had. And she DID tell him that he had rocked her world more than any other man she had ever been with. That hurt you know. But I got the impression that they couldn't leave each other alone."

Jill said, "She hates the guy. Everything you saw was her trying to document a sexual harassment claim. She was even recording the whole thing to use as evidence.

"She would never have said anything encouraging because she was trying to trap him."

I had to throw the challenge flag on that one. I said, "There were about ten ways she could have done that without fucking him. That was just an excuse for trying it on with another man."

Nonetheless, now that I thought about it her tone DID seem to be aimed at establishing that she was there under duress.

But whatever she was thinking as she was reducing our marriage vows to burnt toilet paper was irrelevant. The fact was she had done it.

Janet was clearly trying to win me back by convincing me that her night of passion was a one shot desperation attempt to set up a guy who was harassing her.

That actually pissed me off.

I didn't have any thoughts about the premise. But thoroughly fucking somebody five times in a five hour period and clearly enjoying every second of it was not something that I wanted in any wife of mine.

And there was nothing either of them could say or do to mitigate that.

Janet always thinks she is smarter than everybody, me included. And in most cases she is.

My guess was that she had contrived her little plot and felt perfectly comfortable in executing it because she had really persuaded herself it was the way to get fuckface off her back while she had a little harmless fun on the side. That actually seemed perfectly Janet.

She thought that she would have evidence to hold over the guy and it would never hurt me because I would be none the wiser.

In fact if I had not seen them together at the Station that would have probably been the case.

I was even willing to buy the premise that is was a one-shot thing and it was never going to happen again, because the prospect was irrelevant.

The problem was that it DID happen. And I witnessed it. Worse I had watched it several times in high definition.

My little voice commented mockingly, "They really should have turned off the lights."

I said, "How does that affect me? It won't change my mind about divorcing her and I am sure the courts will see it my way since adultery is still a valid cause.

"I couldn't possibly take her back after what I saw. In fact I don't even want to look at her, let alone talk to her."

Jill said, "If you don't want to reconcile, why did you arrange for her to be promoted? You got rid of her problem and elevated her to his position. Why would you do something like that if you didn't love her? That makes no sense."

I said, "I beg your pardon?!! I love her with all of my heart, whatever that means. And there is no other woman in the world for me.

"What I did was to make sure she could lead the rest of her life without me. That was done for love.

"But she is just going to have to understand and accept that she killed our marriage and blew me up as collateral damage."

I didn't want to tell her that the promotion was just my way of ensuring that I didn't have to give the bitch anything. That might have made me sound a little less noble.

"Tell her to move on with my best wishes. But I never want to see her again. I am going to take a year's sabbatical away from here to reinforce that. The University owes me. And when I get back I am going to pick up my life like she never existed."

Jill gave me a beaten look. I didn't want to hurt her but I had to get the message across that both Janet and she were killing me by prolonging the agony.

I said as gently as possible, "You and Tom are my friends. Please don't think that I feel anything but love and admiration for you.

"But tell Janet to not fight the divorce. She is getting the house and a healthy settlement. And she is a high mucky-muck now.

"She is a beautiful woman and she will find somebody to replace me.

"Unfortunately that will not be as easy for me to do. So would all of you please be kind enough to just leave me alone and let me try to start over?"

Jill smiled sympathetically. But she said bitterly, "I will do that. And I will convince Janet to do it too. But the one thing you are wrong about is the idea that she will replace you.

"She has never loved anybody but you and she will always love you. Nobody will ever substitute for you in her heart."

Then Jill stood up. Smoothed her dress and gave my forearm a squeeze. She said, "I'll tell her everything you said. But I hope you understand that Janet did not intend for any of this to happen. And she regrets it to the very core of her soul."

I said "I'll take your word for it but it doesn't change anything. There is no possible way we could have a married relationship now."

I tossed some money on the table and we left together. I trudged back to the boat with sadness fighting with rage to see who got to steer the ship.