The Side Effect

"Am I correct in inferring that the reason that you won't marry me is that I won't go down on you?"

I saw the tears welling up in her eyes. She nodded.

"Is that the only reason?"

She nodded again, but this time she spoke. "Zack. I love you. I want to marry you. I do. It's just that—"

"I won't eat your pussy."

"I know it sounds foolish and trivial, but I miss oral sex. I haven't had it since we've been together. I can't imagine going the rest of my life without it. I mean, if you thought you'd never get another blowjob in your life, how would it make you feel?"

I was too ashamed to answer. "Did you think maybe you should bring this up?" I tried to control my tone. I knew I was in the wrong, but I was upset and embarrassed.

"I tried. I tried nudging you down there. I tried asking you to do it, and you brushed me off with a finger to my g-spot. That's not better than coming all over your face, you know."

I nodded. It was the best I could do.

"How would you like it," she continued, "if you asked me for a blowjob, and instead of sucking your cock, I stuck my finger up your ass and gave you a prostate massage?" She was pissed now.

"Babe, I get it. It's just this crazy, irrational aversion I have. Like how I can't even take a bite of a tomato.

"Zack, I don't like tomatoes either. It doesn't keep me from sucking your cock. Or swallowing your cum, come to think of it."

I remembered my sister's note. "Is the pussy-licking thing the only reason that you won't marry me?"

"Oh my god. It's not that I won't marry you. I didn't even say no! It was on my mind when you asked me to marry you is all. I panicked. I never said I wouldn't marry you."

"But it's the only reason you didn't say yes?" I desperately needed this clarified.

"Yes, Zack. It's the only reason." She was getting more and more impatient with me.

"Alright. I talked to Jo yesterday. She thinks she might be able to help."

"Jo, your lesbian sister? What's she gonna do? Come over here and eat me out so you don't have to?" The edge in her voice made me feel even worse.

I shook my head a little. "She's bi, actually. She usually dates guys."

Lindsay gave me a look that reminded me that I'm stupid. "I know," I said. "It doesn't matter. I'm gonna call her later and see what she has to say."

She looked down at her hands for a while, and finally she said, "Show me the ring again." I figured that was better than telling me to fuck off, so I allowed myself to have hope.

* * * *

On Saturday, Lindsay went outlet shopping with her mother, and I sat down at the computer to check my email. Three generic Viagra ads, two get-rich-quick schemes, and some pics from my cousin's mission trip to Ecuador. That was it.

I Googled "eating pussy" and found myself mired in a long list of porn clips. Honestly, they did nothing to cure my aversion to the taste of a woman's nether regions, but I gave myself a good stroking while I took notes on technique. I told myself it was educational. I believed it too, until I came all over my hand anyway.

At three o'clock I called my sister, and hoped she'd be up. I was lucky. Five minutes earlier and she might have kicked my ass.

"Come over," she said. "Bring a box of coffee and some doughnuts from Dunkin' Donuts. None of that gas station crap."

Shortly after I arrived, a Honda Civic pulled into the driveway, and a gorgeous brunette stepped out. "Who's that?" I asked my sister.

"Dr. Sabrina West, the woman that's gonna solve your problem. I hope anyway," Jo said with a chuckle. She opened the door to let her in. "C'mon in." As soon as the woman stepped into the house, my sister kissed her with the kind of long, deep kiss that I reserved for Lindsay. I'm not gonna lie. I watched. And I got a little hard.

When they finally broke the kiss, Jo introduced us.

"What kind of doctor are you," I asked, wondering what the hell Jo was cooking up here.

"PhD in biochemistry. I study brain chemicals." I looked at Jo and raised my eyebrows.

"C'mon," Jo said, leading us to the dining room table. "Let's have coffee."

"I can't stand the suspense," I said finally once coffee was poured and doughnuts were passed around. "What's the deal here?"

Jo smiled. That disturbed me a bit. "Sabrina works for a pharmaceutical company. I can't tell you which one."

I looked at Sabrina, who just smiled and nodded. "That inspires confidence," I said. My hope was starting to fade. "I'm not having a problem getting or maintaining an erection."

"Relax, Zack. It's not about your dick," Jo said. "Sabrina's been working on a new med for depression, but it's had some unanticipated side effects."

"Side effects?" I wasn't sure I liked where this was going. I didn't think leaving my future with Lindsay to a fuck up side effect was the best course of action. "What does this have to do with me?"

"Well," Jo said. "Sabrina's science is sound. Her ethics? Not so much."

Sabrina placed a baggie on the table containing an off-white powder.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I can't tell you much," Sabrina said, "but I will tell you that seventy-two percent of participants in the first clinical trial experienced some sensory confusion in the first hour after taking it in powder form."

"Sensory confusion?" I was confused enough without fucking with my senses.

"Have you ever heard of synesthesia?" Sabrina asked.

"Syens-what?" I was lost.

"Synesthesia," she said. "It's rare and not-well-researched. There are different types, but I met a woman at a conference once who would hear a certain noise, and feel a corresponding sensation somewhere on her skin. This drug has a similar side effect."

"So what do I do? Slip it into her iced tea and sing to her?" I was aware that I was scowling, but there was nothing I could do about it. This was weird.

"No. No," Sabrina said. "You take it before you have sex with her. That's all there is to it."

I reached for the baggie. "Uh-uh," said Sabrina. "I may not be all that ethical, but the risk isn't for free. It's gonna cost you a thousand bucks."

"Jesus Christ! I don't have that kind of cash." Shit. I didn't see that coming.

"She saw the baseball game, Zack. She knows you've got money." Frickin' Jo.

"I had money. I spent it on a ring, remember?"

"A ring that's sitting in a box. Cough up the cash, big brother. It's your best shot at getting that ring on Lindsay's finger."

I finished my coffee. This was ridiculous. A thousand dollars for who-knows-what with a seventy-two percent chance of a side effect that I didn't know about from an unethical witch doctor. No fucking way. Even if it was free, it would be stupid. And what the hell kind of scientist works in the Berkshires? I opened my mouth to tell my sister to fuck off and said, "Let me run to the bank before it closes."

* * * *

I went home and spent the rest of the weekend looking up synesthesia and depression meds. I'm a computer guy. I don't know anything about medications or brain chemicals or screwed up senses, but I did my best to get a handle on this. I wasn't successful, but I did manage to convince myself that it was scientifically possible that this white powder could alter the balance of my brain chemicals in a way that would make eating my girlfriend's pussy palatable for me. Hell, maybe it would make it taste like strawberry ice cream, and I'd want to live between Jo's legs forever.

Hell, Jo could have called her friend a sorceress, tossed a handful of glitter into the baggie with the powder, and charged me twice as much. I wouldn't have cared. I was desperate to get past this stupid aversion and get on with marrying Lindsay. At least on to being engaged to her.

On Sunday night, Lindsay got home from her mother's house. She didn't usually stay overnight when they went shopping, but I guess with things being a little awkward between us, we both needed a break.

She had brought me leftovers from dinner with her family, and she heated up the roast beef and mashed potatoes and cracked open a beer for me before going upstairs with her purchases. On her way out of the kitchen, she said, "Don't forget the potion from Jo's friend."

Damn. My sister had called her. Now she'd be expecting me to go down on her, and I wouldn't be able to chicken out. I ate three more bites before I lost my appetite. I threw my plate in the sink and finished my beer. I put the bottle in the recycle bin and went upstairs.

The new satin and lace nightgown didn't surprise me, but the paper bowls lined up on the dresser did. There were lemon wedges in the first bowl and salt or sugar in the second. I looked around the room. I must have had a funny look on my face because Lindsay asked what I was looking for.

"A bottle of tequila. Did you bring one home?"

She chuckled. "No, but I have some tonic water." She pointed to the clear substance in the third bowl.

I assumed that the sticky-looking substance in the fourth bowl was honey, which seemed like the most fun of the bunch. "I'm afraid to ask what's going on here," I said.

"So don't. Where's the stuff from Jo's friend?"

"What do you know about it?" I asked. I was even more suspicious now.

She smiled. "Relax. Don't worry so much. This will be fun."

"Fun. Altering my brain chemicals will be fun. Sure."

"Think of it like smoking pot or something. Didn't you ever do that?"

I hoped she was teasing, but it suddenly dawned on me that this was a drug. "Linds, what if they decide to do drug testing at work?"

She sat on the end of the bed and said, "Jo's friend said it's an anti-depressant. Half the world takes those."

"Without a prescription?" She glared at me hard enough that I finally gave in. "Fine," I said, resigning myself to whatever my crazy-ass sister's friend had in store for me. "But seriously. What kind of biochemist works way out here in the Berkshires anyway?"

"You're an idiot," she said. "I love you, but you're an idiot."

"What? Why?" She was smiling while she insulted me anyway.

"Sabrina came out for the weekend to fuck your sister. She lives in Boston, you moron."

Of course. She came to fuck my sister. How stupid of me. The image of my sister going down on her sexy doctor friend popped into my head. I shook it off and went to my dresser to find the baggie. I held it up and shook it like it was pixie dust or something. "Did Jo happen to tell you what I do with it?"

Lindsay smiled coyly and said, "You'll find out soon enough. Go take a shower while I finish getting things ready."

After I washed my hair, Lindsay pulled open the shower curtain and said, "Hey sexy. Need help with the dirty parts?" I smiled and handed her the soap. I'm not sure she did a very good job on the rest of me, but by the time she was done, I had the cleanest cock in town. Balls too. She was very thorough.

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly get any cleaner, she took the showerhead from its hanger and rinsed my junk. I tried to grab the soap, figuring that I better get the rest of me cleaned, but she lathered up her hand and started again. "Uh, Linds? I think it's the shampoo bottle that says 'lather, rinse, repeat,' not the soap."

She laughed with that sexy giggle I love so much and started rubbing the soap over my cock again. I was as hard as a rock at that point, and I wondered just how much cleaner she intended to make me. She started jacking my cock, slowly at first. Back and forth, base to tip, smiling the whole time.

"What's your plan here, sweetheart?" I asked. "You trying to make me come in the shower?"

"Today's about me, pal," she said. "I'm getting this out of the way now, so you don't feel the need to rush. You paid a thousand bucks for that little bag out there. You don't want it to go to waste, do you?"

"No, no. You're right. Can't let it go to waste. But hurry up. Water's going to get cold awfully quick."

She quickened her pace, jerking me off faster and cupping my balls with her other hand. I was half-expecting her to rinse me off again and blow me, but that didn't happen. She pumped in and out, squeezing just at the right times. Hand jobs weren't her specialty, but this was probably the best one of my life. The slipperiness of the soap made her hand glide across the skin on my cock, bringing the pressure in my groin to the boiling point. I felt my balls tighten and my cock twitch, and that was it. "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit," was all I could say as I came all over Lindsay's belly and legs.

When I ran out of cum, Lindsay smiled. "At least we're in the shower, huh?"

"Uh-huh." I was breathing too hard to say more. The water was starting to cool down, so I finished soaping the rest of my body and offered to soap hers.

"I took a shower while you ate. I just need to touch up this mess," she said. "Go dry off and grab a couple beers from the fridge. I'll be done in a minute to mix up your potion."

The potion. I forgot about that. Shit. I turned off the lukewarm water, toweled off, and went to the kitchen. When I returned to the bedroom, I saw Lindsay lying naked on our bed, the baggie in her hand. There was a bottle of water on the dresser next to the bowls. I was still semi-hard after the shower, and I got harder as soon as I laid eyes on her creamy skin. Her rose-colored nipples were hard and ready, her legs parted so that her lower lips were just barely visible beyond her shaved mound. "My god, you're beautiful," I said as I dropped my towel, put the beers on the nightstand, and went to her.

I crawled from the end of the bed, straight into her arms. Her mouth was waiting for my kiss, and we kissed for a long time. My tongue probed her mouth long and deep, like it hadn't since we were first together.

Lindsay finally broke the kiss. "Are you procrastinating, my love?"

"Maybe just a little," I said. "I'm a little nervous about this, I guess."

"Nervous about eating me? Or nervous about taking the drug? 'Cause you're not getting out of either one."

"More nervous about the drug, I guess. I have no idea what it's supposed to do. What if it doesn't work? That's another thousand dollars down the drain."

"Well, the ring money isn't down the drain. I'm gonna say yes. I'll just say yes quicker if this works out for us," she said.

"I'm not getting the five hundred dollars back from Fenway," I said with a frown, "and over a little oral sex."

"For the very last time," she said. "I didn't say no. I was just surprised, and the whole oral thing was on my mind. The girls at work were talking about it at work the day before the game. I was confused. I'm sorry."

I sighed and changed the subject by taking her nipple into my mouth. I licked circles around one and then the other, finally taking each one in my mouth and sucking hard enough to make her flinch. I pulled my head away and asked, "When do I take the potion?"

"In a few. It only lasts like forty-five minutes or an hour, so we'll fool around a little bit first. How 'bout you used those fingers of yours and make me feel good?"

"Gladly." That was familiar territory. I put my head on her belly and reached between her legs. I raked my stubby fingernails over her thighs, making her shiver a bit. I moved my hand up to pet her bare mound. I liked the way it felt, even though I preferred the look of some nice, trimmed hair down there.

I spread her lips with my fingers and then slid them down to her opening. She was wetter than I'd ever felt before, and I realized just how aroused she was by all of this. I wanted to think it was my amazing kissing or fingering skills, but even my numb skull figured out that she knew that my tongue was getting her off tonight, come hell or high water. I couldn't tell if that aroused me or scared the shit out of me. I guessed it didn't matter.

She gave me about four minutes to finger her before she said, "It's time to drug you, my love." I looked up at her, and she laughed right out loud. "Oh my god. You look terrified."

I'm not gonna lie. She was right.

She sat up and went to get off the bed, but stopped herself. She reached for my hand and kissed the back of it. Then she smiled and pulled my fingers into her mouth. The same fingers that had just scooped up the wetness in her pussy. My jaw dropped. I'd never seen her do that before. I seriously thought that was something only porn stars did. I took a deep breath and felt my dick get harder.

When my fingers were clean, she got up to mix the love potion. I took a deep breath as she poured the powder into the bottle of Aquafina. Her breasts jiggled as she shook the bottle, distracting me for a minute.

She handed me the bottle and looked at the clock on the nightstand. "Forty-five or so minutes. Are you ready?"

I took the bottle from her hand and guzzled it down. It tasted a little bit like Tang, that shit that astronauts drink, but the flavor disappeared when Lindsay dipped her fingers into the bowl of honey and put them in my mouth. She kissed me before I had a chance to swallow, and the honey on both of our tongues sent a jolt to my already rock-hard cock.

She led me back to the bed without breaking the kiss. I stumbled over a book on the floor, and we both fell onto the bed, giggling a little.

"So now what?" I asked.

"You're stalling again, aren't you?" She leaned over me and kissed my nose.

"You're probably right. How do I know if it's working?"

"Jo's friend said that you'd just know. She suggested picking up where we left off and just progressing naturally."

"So I should finger you again?"

"Yes," she said, as she lay back on the bed. "Put your head back on my belly. That was comfortable."

I did, but I kissed the soft skin there before I settled my head onto her. She spread her legs for me, and I replaced my fingers into her warm wetness.

"Mmm. Like satin," I said, as I started to rub her clit. I swirled my first two fingers around that hard, little nub for a moment before dipping back inside to get a fresh batch of her natural lube.

That was when the first hint of the taste hit my mouth.

I moved back to her clit and worked my fingers in tight circles. Lindsay's hips rocked in rhythm with my fingers. I turned my head to look at her, and she shivered as my stubble rubbed across the skin of her belly. She smiled down at me, like she knew something I didn't. I licked my lips as I realized how true that was.

When I dipped my fingers inside of her the second time, I got a stronger sense of tasting something on my tongue. Something a little salty. Maybe buttery. I brought my fingers back to Lindsay's clit, but that flavor lingered. I wondered what the hell it was.

I was finding it hard to concentrate on what I was doing with my fingers as I started smacking my lips, trying to place the flavor. I'd eaten roast beef and mashed potatoes, but that wasn't it. Beer? Nope. What the fuck was I tasting?

"Hon, what's wrong?" Lindsay asked me. "Your face looks like it's in pain."

"No. I have this taste in my mouth, and I can't figure out what it is. It's weird. It just...came over me all of a sudden. It's almost like...shrimp scampi or something."

She laughed right out loud at me, knocking me off my game. "Shrimp scampi, huh? Is it a pleasant taste?"

"Yeah. It is. But it's not really shrimp scampi. I wish I knew what it was and how it got there."

"If you figure it out, let me know, and I'll make it for dinner tomorrow," she said, still grinning. It was that grin that reminded me about the potion. I was just about to ask when she grabbed my hand and stuck two of my fingers inside her, as far as they'd go.

"Oh, yeah," she moaned. "Fuck me with your fingers."

I finger-fucked her slowly at first, then faster as she got wetter and wetter. The taste in my mouth got stronger and stronger. I wanted to stop, to savor it, but Lindsay wouldn't let me.