The Singer Pt. 03

TUMBLING AND FALLING.

Linda has agreed to go on a ladies camp with women from Rowena's church, with the caveat that she won't have to get into all that Christian stuff, but when an innocent act in the dormitory is misread by one of the women it sets off a chain of events that will alter their lives forever.

Author's note: Dim sims are a unique Aussie dish. They're similar to dumplings but are oblong shaped and filled with either minced meat and various spices or completely vegetarian. Can be either steamed or deep fried.

We recently went out with Petra and her partner to a new restaurant in Ringwood, Rowena has a multicultural palate and over a dinner of Nepalese-style chicken chow mein Petra jokingly accused me of seducing Rowena.

Rowena just burst out laughing at that.

"When I came onto her she backed off and I had to resort to subterfuge."

Never a truer word was spoken! I had, to all intents and purposes, accepted that there was a bright red line drawn between us complete with a sophisticated alarm system and sirens. In hindsight it could be said I'd initially agreed to this line in the hopes of wearing her down but somewhere along the line the unusual became the norm. A lot of that can be put down to Rowena laying down the law and slowly this tomboy began to change her stance. I mean on the outside I still looked the same apart from minor wardrobe changes and I did start wearing some makeup, but deep down I'd begun to question things I'd always accepted as unchangeable.

Like the fact that I had to take the lead, which says a lot about the kinds of women I'd been out with in the past, who tended to give way to me. I'm a little taller than usual but Rowena is also tall and so she could look me in the eye and make me back down. I'd open my mouth to say something and then change my mind when I realised that the imaginary dialogue I'd constructed in the last few hours wasn't going to come out the same way. I used to have these conversations inside my head in the times we were apart. I'll say this and she'll say that, and they were quite complicated but when we finally met up it all fizzled into nothingness. Rowena would be focused on learning a new song or writing music and lyrics, and some of our conversation would consist of rewriting lyrics to suit a particular piece of music.

Most of the time I was at her parent's place and along the way I became an unofficial part of the family. I gravitated towards her mother because she was so unlike my mother. Alison is part of a family of doctors, her mother is a retired doctor, one of her brothers is a psychiatrist and the other is a sports physician for a football club. It stands to reason that she's frightfully intelligent and yet I never detected a hint of snobbishness about her. She always referred to me as Rowena's friend but treated me more like a daughter, perhaps she had a prescient understanding. Suffice it to say that Rowena's family had a major impact on me.

Another thing that changed was my circle of friends, I still had the same friends but now the circle was considerably wider and included Christians, although these latter friends were band members for the most part. I became a little more mellow and thoughtful, less inclined to argue although I can get quite political but when I was around Rowena I found that a lot of the anger and resentment had a way of dissipating. It's not like Rowena isn't politically minded, she can be quite strong willed about human rights and egalitarianism, just to mention two. But Rowena sees no need to go on the attack whenever someone challenges her views. She listens to the other point of view but then just shrugs and says she doesn't agree and just moves on, I'm the one wanting to go ten rounds with some homophobic neo-Nazi type. In that way Rowena is more secure in her basic beliefs than yours truly because she doesn't see the need to lay it out for someone else.

However, the most fundamental change revolved around my search for meaning, which is one of those universal human longings. Whether we believe that humans came into existence because of alien intervention, a Creator god or natural evolution, we all wrestle with the questions of why are we here and what happens when we die? Admittedly I'm still struggling and to her credit, Rowena has always said that faith is a deeply personal thing. What inspires one person will repel another person.

With all that in mind I have to return to the story and that ladies camp because what happened there had a profound effect on both of us.

Bonnie Doon is memorable for two things. The first is its proximity to Lake Eildon, which supplies a lot of the drinking water for Melbourne. The second has to do with the Australian movie, The Castle where the family at the centre of the dispute have a holiday home at Bonnie Doon. Part of the movie was filmed at a house in Bonnie Doon and when it was put up for sale, the agents tried to cash in on its claim to fame. This did backfire somewhat when crank callers rang to ask about the price and upon being told it they came out with the immortal line from the movie, "tell them they're dreaming!"

The camp site we were at was once a farm that had been bought over and the new owners had built bungalows, cabins and a meeting hall/kitchen, all in mud brick. It's used by school groups as well as church groups, the owners are apparently church goers but they're not fanatical about it. The camp had a good variety of outdoor activities, some of which were focused on traditional Australian skills like horse riding, bushcraft skills, hiking, and boating.

Brian and Marie are a lovely couple, Brian is a retired bank manager who took early retirement from his city job and went up the bush with his wife and hasn't looked back since. As I mentioned earlier they do go to church but aren't as fanatical about church dogma, which was a relief to me although I overheard a couple of ladies in my dormitory gossiping because they were watching a comedy show that is thought to be too risqué for Christians. When I asked Petra about it she just shrugged and admitted she watched it sometimes as well.

Now the first time I'd met Petra was at church and in that environment she was conservative for obvious reasons but out here in the bush she seemed to come alive in a new way and it was only the following day I overheard her telling someone she'd been raised on a farm.

I could only guess at what they were saying about the strange woman who didn't want to join their Saturday prayer breakfast. I did have breakfast but then spent the next hour or so exploring the farm and talking to Brian and Marie. These two guessed almost straight away that I um, wasn't straight but didn't make me feel unwelcome in any way, and then it was time to go horse riding.

Now, I can ride a motorcycle but horses are an entirely different matter. Janelle, one of our guides did a pretty good job at getting us all acquainted with our mounts and we set off on a short ride with two other guides. They certainly had their work cut out for them though because horses have a mind of their own, obviously. Mine wanted to turn back twice, possibly due to the light rain but Petra soon got him going again.

"You need to let the horse know you're in control," she commented, "if he thinks he can pull a fast one over you he'll do it."

By the time we got back after a mere three and a half hours I was discovering muscles I didn't know existed and they hurt like hell. The general idea is to push up to match the rhythm of the horse, so your calf muscles get a decent work out. Oddly enough Janelle thought I had natural talent, which I thought was amusing as I slid off the horse and hit the ground. I limped into the dormitory and fell onto my bed and woke up Rowena who'd been dozing.

"Sorry," I mumbled, "I think I've gone lame."

"What's wrong?"

"Horse riding is harder than it looks," I looked down at my legs, "what I wouldn't give for a decent massage."

For a few moments she didn't reply and then swung off the bed.

"Well, I guess I can," she looked at the door, "although I won't be using oil here."

"Hah," I snorted, "I can live with that but you don't have to."

"Roll onto your stomach," she rose, "I have to go to to the toilet."

I dutifully rolled onto my stomach and was just starting to doze off when I felt her sliding onto the end of the bed.

"Let's see what we can do for you."

Now ordinarily a basic massage wouldn't have raised an eyebrow but I wasn't banking on someone walking in just as she was working her way up my calf.

Irina is a forty something woman with what she calls, 'life experience' but if you've married your childhood sweetheart and spent your entire married life either raising children or working part time for the church then your life experience is somewhat limited. When Irina saw Rowena massaging my legs she jumped to the wrong conclusion and then went and told a select few 'prayer partners,' which is the Christian version of the good old fashioned sewing circle. The first we knew about it was immediately after dinner when Rowena was called outside by Irina's friend, Ruth. They were outside for some time and when Rowena came back inside she looked upset but didn't say anything until we were heading back to the dormitory a few hours later.

"Words have been spoken about what happened in the dorm."

"Huh?" I stared at her, "what happened in the dorm?"

"My massage," she replied, "Irina went and told her prayer partner, Ruth and probably a few others as well, they're concerned that I'm going to turn into a lesbian."

"What the fuck?" I glanced over my shoulder, "why didn't she just ask what we were doing?"

"I don't know, but Irina is kind of judgemental that way. She has strong views on gay issues, she is always talking about gay conversion therapy. She even offered, through Ruth, to take me through the session, just to make sure."

"Are you sure she's not, you know, gay herself?"

"Well you said it, not me," she grimaced and came to a stop near the dormitory.

"Look, I need to take a step back and rethink this arrangement of ours. I know you're trying to keep your desires in check and hats off to you, you've managed to rise above them but this could bounce back on me big time. The church is one thing, I can always go to another church but it's a small world and eventually gossip spreads, and then there's the band to consider."

"I get it," I held my hands up, "but when you drew a line in the sand I respected it, and I've been under pressure from my friends to either make a move or give up."

"Oh," she folded her arms, "why didn't you say something before?"

"Because," I replied, "it's up to me to deal with this, I'm happy right now and while they might be winding me up they aren't going to reject me for befriending one of the enemy."

"So, now I'm the enemy?" Rowena smiled crookedly.

"You're not," I hastened to reassure her.

"I know what you mean," she replied, "and I'm serious about rethinking everything, so between now and then let's just be aware that people are looking at us. I still have to lead the worship service tomorrow morning. You can either hang around and just listen or go for a walk, you can take the car if you want and just go into town."

As it turned out that was exactly what I did after a restless night. I had no idea how many of the ladies in our dormitory knew of my sexual orientation but for me it felt like they all knew. It was actually a lot less than I thought as I found out much later but after breakfast that morning I took Rowena's keys and headed into town.

Bonnie Doon isn't a shopping hub and I recall my mother criticising it some years ago but she was there before things like extended trading became part of the retail landscape. These days it has a few more shops and what passes for a shopping mall, along with a few craft shops and it was while I was browsing that I finally called Mia. She wasn't surprised at what had happened but although she sympathised with me she was also quite clear.

"Look it's tough, but you did agree to go on this weekend and while you are trying to just be her friend, sooner or later people are going to ask you and her questions, and just because you both insist you're just friends they won't believe it. You know how it is, once you get down to tin tacks we're all the fucking same."

"So what do I do?"

"Take a step back and just let her decide, you're in her world now, it's their rules and as much as you might fight against it, you have to let it go. If it comes back it's yours as they say."

It was a lot to digest but on the way back to the camp I decided to at least try to live in the moment and for me that meant accepting that Irina thought I was some kind of sexual deviant. It didn't mean I had to act like one, I just had to accept that she thought that about me. On the way back to the camp I stopped off at a doughnut van and bought a dozen freshly baked doughnuts with hot jam inside and coincidentally the first person I bumped into in the hall was Rowena.

"You read my mind, babe," she smiled.

Other women joined us at the table and Rowena kept them entertained with sarcastic jokes, but not one of the women raised the subject of my sexual orientation.

Eventually I stepped outside and made my way along a verandah that extends around three sides of the main hall and came to a dead stop as I saw Petra sitting with Irina and Ruth. They turned at the same time and then rose and entered the hall via another door. Petra regarded me for a moment and then inclined her head, it was with some trepidation that I joined her at the table.

"Well, you've certainly trumped my sermon this morning," she calmly announced.

"I didn't meant to do any such thing."

"I know," she stared out over the paddock immediately in front of her, "people are petty, they like to put things in little boxes but not everything fits into a neat little box."

"I'm starting to realise that," I sighed.

"So tell me, just out of curiosity," she propped her chin on her palm, "what is an openly gay woman doing on a weekend with a bunch of straight women? I've heard of challenging situations but this is something else entirely."

"I don't know," I admitted, "at first I was just hanging out with Rowena and she's my friend but I do admit I like her."

"You don't sound like you're into punishing yourself, what were you trying to prove? That you could keep your desires in a bottle?"

"I was respecting her wishes," I replied.

"Admirable but ultimately foolish, you've got desires and while you've got a straight friend you'll always be hoping she'll swing your way. There's nothing wrong with your ideals, we need them but you need to be practical and that might mean thinking outside the box. Try to live your life in small compartments of twenty four hours, don't try to solve the divide between Christians and gays, it's too great and you'll wear yourself out. You've got nothing to prove to them and in the meantime you have to stay a part of this band and keep a friendship," she tapped her head.

"Keep it simple, first things first. If you try to please everybody, nobody will like you. It's one of the most controversial issues facing the church at the moment. They're still sharply divided when it comes to LGBT rights, even the Christians who are against it all are quite happy to allow them to do their thing," she glanced over her shoulder.

"As long as they do it behind closed doors and don't tell anybody."

"So nobody wants to burn me at the stake?"

"Of course not," Petra shrugged, "a couple of women suggested I say something but my argument is that sexual desires are something between you and God, it isn't up to us to step into the bedroom and dictate our morals on all and sundry."

"But the bible," I mumbled.

"Has very little to say about it," she replied.

"You've got a few verses in the Old Testament, which sit nicely alongside verses about stoning people to death, burning witches, not masturbating, not eating pork and a bunch of other laws that would cause most of us to be condemned as heretics. Even the apostle Paul seems to be referring to the Greek custom of pederasty but we have to step outside the box and see the bigger picture," she frowned.

"The bible as we know it wasn't put together until the fourth century and in the wider world homosexuality wasn't universally condemned. Granted it wasn't openly encouraged because we didn't have IVF programs back then. If you wanted a child you needed a man and a woman but if you just wanted intimate relations then it didn't really matter. It didn't even make you gay to be honest, you might state a preference for one or the other but that only came into being with the rise of secular humanism."

She regarded me for a moment.

"But all that being said, what happens between you is out of my hands. If something does happen then I'd be the last person to issue any kind of judgement, and that's where my opinion diverges from that of the other two pastors," she flicked at her hair. "I know you were looking for an easy answer but as you can see it's complicated and having said all that I'm kind of relieved to learn about you. It might force certain subjects to the surface and make us all face reality."

She shot me a mysterious smile and folded her arms.

"I mean at some point we need to face reality, the church is losing people at an astronomical rate because they won't come into the twenty first century and adapt," she glanced at her smartphone, "there are no verses in the bible forbidding us from using smartphones but we all use them and trust that God isn't putting black marks next to our names. Who's to say we haven't got everything back to front? Gay, straight, bisexual, trans? Is there a right way to do it? I know the church likes to think it's got a monopoly on truth but take it from someone with a bachelor's degree in divinity, we don't have that either."

"Thanks," I replied, "you've given me a lot to think about."

It set the tone for the rest of the week because I did think deeply about it and to facilitate that the usual band rehearsals were cancelled for a band meeting that didn't include me obviously but it was her explanation that had me wondering.

"Things are in motion right now with one of the members and we need to resolve it before we go forward."

It was the first I'd heard of tensions within the band but I said nothing about it and on Friday night when I was packing my case ready for my flight to New Zealand Rowena dropped in to see me. She looked a little pensive as she sat on a sofa chair with a cup of coffee. She'd come straight from work because she was still wearing her black skirt suit and a grey satin blouse with a matching satin tie fastened in an elegant bow. I looked much plainer in my Western style shirt with its press stud buttons and blue jeans.

"Mo wants to quit the band," she sipped her coffee, "he wants to go to bible college and won't have time to commit to the band."

"So, you need a bass player."

"Yeah," she frowned, "but that opens up a can of worms because his potential replacement isn't a Christian, which means we might have to rethink our direction. Are we a Christian band or just a band with some Christian members?"

"But you've got one non Christian member," I replied, "it's pretty much a Christian band."

"There might be more than one non Christian," she replied.

"What do you?" I stopped as I looked at her face, "oh, right."

"I'm not saying I am or not, but things have changed for me lately."

"This hasn't got anything to do with what happened last weekend?"

"Not exactly," she replied, "but it did bring it all to a head, I've struggled to define our relationship for the last couple of weeks at least and can't come to a firm decision. It's like something is holding me back and I know people say you should just come out but I've always been one of those people who thinks you should keep your private life out of sight. I mean, my parents never came out and told us when they'd had sex, so why should being gay be such a political thing?"