The Sins of the Fathers Ch. 23

Jennifer got up and tossed out her cold coffee and poured a new cup. "First, Nikki, some ground rules for this weekend. Everything has to be true. You or I can both refuse to answer a question, but maybe a reason for refusing will help. So, truth first. Reason for not answering if possible. Okay?"

"Okay."

"This may be a hard weekend for me and for you. Well, probably mostly for me. I may be talking about things I'm not entirely comfortable with, okay?

"Okay." What things?

"Good. So where to start? Me first, my father, your grampa was dying. I had to go to him for a number of reasons we'll talk about. I intended to come back. Things just happened." And, I didn't!

"As for your dad ... hmm. Yes, I believe he still does love me. And the ring is ... it's so Jack. He hates all change and he never ever gives up. He still hopes." Never give up! Never surrender!

"As for you, Nikki? None of this was about you. I couldn't be a good mom; and, at least your dad believed me when I told him that. Your dad's a great dad, by the way. He's the best man I've ever known. He saved me when I was very young." She took Nikki's hand in hers. "He saved my life."

"When your grampa died, I was lost in a very dark place. As lost as I've ever been. Your dad couldn't save me. No one could. And, I couldn't help anyone. Not you. Not him. Not myself. It's hard to explain. Please believe that much is true, even if you don't understand it, just for a little while."

"Where did you go?" Nikki asked. "You moved out, but you were still here in Oregon. In this town?"

"Yes." That's really hard to explain!

"Where did you go?"

"I got help. I knew someone special. Dr. Sam. I went to Dr. Sam, " Jennifer offered.

"Dad said you became a lesbian. He said you were the best wife ever, then you became a lesbian."

"I was a daughter. I was a wife. I was a mother. I became a patient. Then, a friend. Then, a lover. Then a wife, again."

"And now a 'mother', again?" Nikki's voice took on an edge. Why now, all of the sudden?

"If you'll let me. That's up to you actually, because I don't even have the right to ask."

"Did Dr. Sam help you?"

"She saved me, even more than your dad did."

"How?"

"You can ask her that; I've told her she can tell you anything about me or us. She's quite an exceptional person."

"Are you okay, now?"

"Yes."

"So, she knows everything?" All the family secrets? All the ones that I don't know?

Jennifer laughed. "Sam would say that she knows enough."

"And, dad knows everything?" More secrets?

"Yes." Everything, except the fact that Sam and I are married.

"And, he sent me to talk with you?"

Jennifer nodded. "Yes, but only partly because of my story. I think it's mostly about you. He's worried about you. Maybe, because you're going through some changes and he thought I might be able to help in ways he can't. But, you may need to know some things about me to understand some things about you. Does that make any sense?"

Nikki nodded her head slowly, Yes, but it quickly became, No. "So, everyone knows things that I don't about you. Certainly, Dr. Sam and Dad. Anyone else?"

Jenifer could see the confusion "Your Uncle Spencer knows things about me you don't."

Nikki swallowed. "What things?" I may know these secrets, but I'm not about to tell you how?

Jennifer walked over to the counter and pulled a small spiral-bound notebook from the drawer. It was labeled 'History' on its tattered cover. She sat back down and began turning it gently in her hands, lost in thought.

"What's that?"

"Me or, at least, me when I was your age." Her hands held it tightly like it might slip away if she relaxed even a little.

"It looks like a school notebook."

"Yes and no. It is and it's not," Jenn said cryptically. Finally, she placed it face down on the table between them. "It's my diary as a young girl and later. I kept adding things to it. The last one is after my dad's death."

Jennifer still had her hand on the book, she hadn't released it yet.

"Why 'History'? "

"It was originally a diary. My dad burned my diaries twice. This was the only way I could think of to keep him from finding it, because he never cared anything about my schoolwork. It didn't matter to him, so he didn't look through it when he searched for my diaries."

"What's in it?"

"Stuff about my dad, about your dad, Jack, and us. Some stuff about Uncle Spencer." Secrets!

"Is there stuff about Dr. Sam?

"No."

"Why?"

"Because what I feel about her is in here." Jenn touched her heart "And, in here." She touched her head.

"Am I in it?"

"No."

"Why?"

Jennifer took Nikki's hand in hers. "Because everything I feel about you is in here." She touched her daughter's fingers to her head. "But, mostly right here." She lovingly placed Nikki's hand over her heart. "Nikki, the diary is a record of what was wrong with me. You're not in it, and Sam's not in it."

"But dad is?"

Jennifer nodded. "Yes."

"And Uncle Spencer is?"

"Yes."

"And Grampa is?"

Nikki saw me mom's eyes beginning to tear-up. Jennifer swallowed hard, her voice cracked, "It's mostly about your grampa. He's the star of our family story."

She took Nikki's hand from her heart and placed it on the book. She had a hard time speaking; it felt like she was choking on the words. She recognized this feeling from all those long talks with Dr. Sam. 'What is true hurts!' Dr. Sam would always say, 'If it hurts to say it, it's probably true. The more the hurt, the more the truth. If it hurts so bad you can't say it, it's the ultimate truth of your life. The ultimate truth will choke you rather, than let you say it's name. Say the name and take its hand from around your throat.'

"Nikki, this is for you, but only for this weekend. Please read only the marked passages. They'll tell you the whole story. When you've finished it, you'll know why I'm me." Or at least, part of what made me become me.

"I didn't know it; but, maybe, I kept it all these years for this day. For the day you would ask, why I didn't come back."

She took her hand away from the book. Jennifer Grant was an attorney, an utterly fearless advocate for others; yet, it still took all her strength of will to just let go of the notebook. "It's powerful, secret stuff. It changed me. Reading it may change you or, at least, change what you think you know about me. When you're finished with it, I'm going to burn it."

Jenn stood with tears in her eyes and left the table, disappearing down the stairs.

Nikki opened the notebook. The first pages were full of notes. Things about the American Revolution, the Constitution, and people like Washington and Jefferson. Then, things like Study Questions. After that, nothing. Then some notes. She smiled, That was quick thinking on mom's part.

Nikki took a sip of coffee and turned to the first green post-it marked, 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY'.

It was about her grandfather. It began simply enough. Written in the handwriting of a young girl, it was the entire entry.

Today, my dad fucked me. He didn't even kiss me first. Or after. He did wish me a Happy Eighteenth Birthday, after he zipped-up his pants!

The ink had run from tears.

Shaken, Nikki closed the journal. She got up and walked to the window, overlooking the river. It was beautiful.

She stole a glance back at the journal on the table. She felt her throat constrict, almost as if someone were trying to choke her.

Eventually, she sat back down and reached for the journal. The next post-it was labeled, 'AGAIN AND AGAIN'. It was only dated a few days after the first post-it. She read,

Now, my dad comes to my room every night. Every night!

The ink had not run; there were no tears.

Nikki turned away to listen to the wind swaying the trees back and forth. At times, it sounded like a young girl sobbing, The next post-it was labeled, 'TOO SMALL'. It read,

I told my dad it was too big and that I was too small down there. I told him it hurt. He used my mouth, instead. I couldn't breathe. He didn't care.

He wouldn't let me spit it out. I had to swallow it. It made me blush. He laughed at me for blushing.

Again, the ink had run with tears.

Nikki took another sip of coffee. The following entry was entitled, 'CHURCH'.

Mom was sick this morning. Dad drove us to church. We stopped on the way. When he was finished, he used my panties to wipe me off; and, then, he threw them out of the window of the car. I went to confession with no panties on and the stuff from him, running down my leg.

The priest asked if I had any sins to confess. I said, 'Yes, I hate my father'; then I just got up and left.

There was a small cross drawn next to the entry.

Nikki set the journal down. It was scary stuff; and, her throat would close-off each time her mom wrote an entry. Why would something my mom wrote almost twenty-years ago make me nearly choke?

Gathering her courage, she picked the diary up again and opened it to the next post-it. 'MERRY CHRISTMAS'.

I caught Santa eating the cookies I left for him. He said, 'Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas, have you been a good little girl?' There were cookies crumbs in his beard and whiskey on his breath when he fucked me. He did me on the floor in front of the fireplace, right next to the Christmas tree, while the reindeer waited on the roof. I hope Santa dies!

Here, there were more tear smudges on the page.

Nikki went to the sink and got a glass of water; she drank the whole thing. She sat back down at the journal, blinking her eyes to clear them of her own small tears.

The label on the next entry screamed out at her. There was even an exclamation point on it, 'JACK!'. Nikki sat straight up and studied it carefully. She wasn't at all sure she wanted to read this one; but, it was a secret she had to know.

I met one of my dad's friends, a man named Jack. They were playing poker. Jack let me have a sip of his beer. He's so handsome. He couldn't stop looking at me. I caught him at it, again and again. Maybe, he's the one. God, please, let him be the one to get me out of here!

There were also tears on this page; but, in red, her mom had drawn a small heart. Nikki smiled, My daddy, always the hero. Some things never change.

The last post-it was marked, 'JACK WON ME!'.

Another poker game with dad's friends. I don't get to wear much and they touch me, when I bring them beers. Not Jack, though. Everyone else had lost their money and gone home. Just my dad and Jack were playing. My dad owed Jack a lot of money. And my dad bet me.

If Jack won, he got me. If my dad won, he didn't owe Jack any money. That was the bet ... I thought.

Jack turned his eyes to me. I nodded my head, 'Yes'. Then my dad said, 'If you win, you get to have her, but I get to watch. Right now! Right here! Tonight!'.

Jack took a drink and my dad told him, 'I think you should see what you're betting on.' He began undressing me in front of Jack. Jack didn't stop my dad. He never turned away as my dad undressed me. I was afraid I would die of embarrassment. I prayed things wouldn't get worse. My only thought was, 'Now, he'll never want me.'

Jack never turned away. He cleared his throat; I remember that he said, 'If I win her, I marry her!'.

There was a small heart beside the sentence with an exclamation point.

I remember that my father laughed. She's a high school senior this year, Jack; but, she's too young to marry. But, she's not too young for other things. My dad moved me over in front of him and had me sit on his lap, facing Jack. He put my legs over his and opened his legs. I've never been so embarrassed in my life. Jack saw all of me. I was naked; I was open 'everywhere' and he looked. Then he faced my dad and said, 'That's the bet! I win her, I marry her'.

My dad just laughed. 'Well, Jack, it's true that you can marry a girl in this state, once they're eighteen. Sure enough, she's eighteen; but, she's still in high school. Hell, she's smart as a whip. And she would've graduated high school this fall, except for the accident. Try and remember that my daughter here was almost killed in that god-awful car wreck. I didn't lose her; but it took several months for her to heal enough to go back to school. So, because she's here in my house and not yet emancipated, you can't marry her without my permission.'

Jack told him, 'That's not the law. She's not a minor.'

'Are you trying to tell me the law in my own house?'

'Five months,' I said softly, looking at Jack but speaking to my dad, 'It's already January. School's starting next week, I'll graduate in May. That's only five months.' I added, 'Sir.'

'Well then, Jack, May it is! You'll have to wait, if you win the bet. Hell, I will give the blushing bride away, if you win. But, until then, she's still mine. Five months is time enough for lots of things to happen.' I heard my dad unzip his zipper. It was the loudest zipper I've ever heard in my life.

Jack started to get up. My dad asked if he was leaving or folding his bet. I was so scared he would leave. I was so scared he would leave me there.

Jack sat back down and picked up his drink.

I felt my dad take his cock out of his fly. It was already hard. And while Jack just sat there, he put the head of it against me and pushed. My dad was big. He put the whole thing in me. One big long push, just to show Jack it wasn't the first time it had been in me. It hurt. But, not as much as seeing Jack watch us.

I cried.

Jack said, 'I can't do this. I can't watch this.' He started towards my dad. Then, he just turned his eyes to me; and, since I didn't want him to leave, I shook my head, 'No'.

I was crying when I lifted my eyes up to Jack and said, 'Jack, please, win the bet. I don't care, just win the bet. Don't leave me with him. What you see doesn't matter.' I closed my eyes and said, 'None of it will matter, if you win the hand.'

Jack won the hand. But, not before my dad grunted like some animal and came inside me. There was so much, I could hear it dripping out of me onto the hardwood floor.

Jack stood up and started for my dad again. "Sit down, Jack, and stop worrying. If she gets pregnant, we'll just tell everyone it's yours. After all, she's old enough to date whoever she wants.'

'I tell you what, if she gets pregnant, you can just marry her early, to make an honest woman of her. I would expect you to marry her, anyway, if she got knocked-up while you were dating her.'

Nikki tried not to cry. She fought the tears. She fought the choking feeling. She was winning the fight, until a small wedding photo slipped out from the pages of the journal.

It was a photo of her mom, Jennifer, at her wedding. Jack was on one side and Grampa was on the other. Each held one of her hands and each was kissing her on a cheek. They both have a hand on mom's abdomen!

Nikki sobbed, So many lies. Lies are just bad secrets. Really bad secrets!

Jennifer found her, leaning on the railing of the balcony overlooking the Salmon River. She saw the open notebook, the photo, and Nikki's back. She put her hand on her daughter's shoulder. Nikki turned, wrapped her arms around her mom, and held her tightly. "Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry!"

"It was a long time ago, now. And I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for not coming back after my dad died. I was confused and lost. But, I should have come home. I just couldn't." She glanced at Nikki. "Let's go sit down, so we can talk. I know you have questions. I'll try to answer them, okay?"

Nikki shook her head, Yes, as her mom wiped a tear from her eye.

They sat on a couch, looking out the windows at the river.

"What do you want to ask me?"

"Grampa did all of that to you and you still went to be with him when he was dying? Why?"

For several seconds, Jennifer stared out the window at the sky with a faraway look in her eyes; then, she turned to Nikki. "Good question. Not an easy answer. I said I would be truthful and I will; but, you may think less of me after I say this. I hope you can still love me after we talk."

"The truth is, Nikki, that I went to ask him 'Why'."

"What did he say?" Nikki asked.

"He said that he'd always wanted a son. But, since I was what he got instead of what he wanted, he had to find something to do with me. And, as far as he could tell, the only thing to do with girls is fuck them. That was all they were good for."

"My dad was a former Marine and a hunter; and, he always used to say, 'If you can't kill it, eat it, or fuck it, what good is it?' Then he would just throw his head back, laugh loudly, and say, 'Hell, baby girl! With you, two out of three ain't bad.'"

"Nikki, try to understand and don't hate me for what I am about to say. I wanted to see him die. I had to know it was over, finally over. To know, that he was dead, in the ground, under the dirt with a very, very big tombstone over him."

"Like revenge against him for what he did?" Nikki wondered out loud.

"No. Not revenge, closure. An ending. More than anything, I needed it to end."

Downstairs, a door opened as Dr. Sam returned with the two Golden Retrievers in tow. Sam issued commands, "Ginger, sit! You too, Pepper! Nobody's going anywhere until I dry you off a bit."

Jenn knew full well that was Sam's discreet way of letting them know that she was back in the house. Dr. Samantha Green was an extraordinary woman; intuitive and kind, Sam was a truly caring person. And, to make sure they knew she was coming, Sam even ascended the stairs a little too noisily; she let the 'girls" come up first! Unconditional love unleashed, the two dogs bounded up the stairs at a gallop! They were wet, but not sopping wet, and both Jenn and Nikki got several wet 'hello' kisses before the dogs trotted back downstairs to go out and roll in the grass.

At the head of the stairs, Sam took in the open diary and the photo. She had a pretty good idea what Jennifer had marked. "You two okay?"

Nikki never took her eyes off her mom, she nodded towards Dr. Sam. "She helped you to understand all of that?"

Jennifer smiled at Sam and then Nikki. "She helped me to fix what was broken.

"What was broken?"

"My heart."

Jennifer sat for a minute or two in silence. "Then, when I was better, she became my friend. Finally, she became my lover. Now, we're married."

Nikki turned to Dr. Sam. "Have you read that?"

Head nod, Yes.

"All of it?"

"Yes."

Nikki thought and squinted up at Dr. Sam. "Would you like to stay while we talk?"

"I would very much like that, but I didn't come up here to intrude on you and your mom. I came just to make sure you were both okay. And, I think you are. You don't need me."

"I'd like you to stay. I might, you know, need you to listen to me too."

Interesting, Are you broken too? She took a long look at Nicole: how she carried herself, the remnants of tears for her mom, the way she was adjusting to the news about Sam and her mother. She came to the conclusion, No, I don't think so, not damaged. She glanced at Jennifer who nodded that it was okay.

Nikki simply asked, "Your diary said my daddy won you in a poker game. But, he didn't stop your dad?"