The Smallholder Pt. 01

"I'm sorry to mess you about Joseph," she said, "but since Keith is here, I might as well go home with him. Save you the trouble."

"Fine," said Joseph.

"I'll just collect my things then."

"Ok."

She left the room. Keith stood in the doorway.

"Sorry to mess up your plans for the little lady," he gloated, "you'll have to find another stupid woman to fall for your lines."

Joseph said nothing; there was no point in getting into an argument with someone whose mind was made up. The man seemed unhappy at his core. Joseph pitied him.

Further interaction was impossible since Angela returned, dressed in her fleece. Joseph stood, and she came to him.

"Good bye," she said. "Thank you for all you've done for me, I owe you my life. You've given me a lot to think about."

The she went on tiptoe and kissed his lips gently.

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

Keith snorted derisively, but the two ignored him.

She turned and pushed Keith ahead of her along the hallway. Joseph followed and watched as they got into the car and drove away, Angela waving as they went. Joseph raised a hand and then turned back into the house.

He became conscious of Bob by his side. Was it his imagination of did the dog seem sad that Angela had gone? For himself he felt resigned to it, though he had to admit to himself that he would have liked her company for another day and night. He shrugged. That was how life was, other people came into your life and then left it. He knew that well enough, he thought wryly. All things must pass.

There was work to do, and before long he was immersed in what he did all the time, looking after his small-holding and his livestock, and of course his writing. That Saturday evening he went to the pub, and was quizzed as to his absence the night before. He told the story and endured some ribald responses from the other patrons. The next morning he walked with Bob to Sunday Service at the chapel in the village, served from the nearby town.

The deep rhythms of his life re-asserted themselves and submerged him: meditation, hard manual labour and writing. Once again he felt at peace and balanced in his solitude, only Bob for company except for the evenings at the pub. There he kept up with the news and discussed life's issues with the other patrons. On occasion folk would ask his advice; they called him 'Buddhist Joe' behind his back, never to his face! His opinion was prized.

Saturday 31 January 2009

So it came as a great surprise that the following Saturday morning as he worked in one of his fields pulling some parsnips for his evening meal, he saw a small car negotiating the uneven cart track that led to his cottage. He straightened up and walked slowly back to the cottage to greet the visitor.

He had entered the cottage at the back when the car stopped and the occupant walked to the front door. He opened it to find Angela on the threshold. Before he could speak she launched a torrent of agitated words.

"Joseph, I'm sorry, I just had to come back. Silly of me. Bad idea. Do you mind? Shall I go?" and she turned to leave the doorstep.

"Angela," he said, "come in. Is there something wrong? Come through to the living room and have a seat."

She followed him into the familiar room, and sat in one of the arm chairs, Joseph taking the other one. She was a picture of tension and worry, sitting forward on the chair twisting her hands in her lap.

He noticed she was wearing a heavy coat which covered her to her knees and thick tights finished off with ankle boots. It caused an inward smile in him. She would not catch hypothermia in that outfit! He waited.

There was a long silence, and she looked more and more uncomfortable, her eyes searching his face, begging for help.

"Angela," he said gently, "give me your coat."

She did so and he went and hung it up. Then he returned, sat down and fixed her with a gentle look.

"Now, what's the matter? Relax, I'm happy you've come back to visit me. You don't need a reason to come, you know."

She looked relieved.

"I don't know how to put this," she said, "I've had a hell of a week, and needed to escape."

She stopped, gazed at him and he smiled. She felt that tingle again.

"Tell me about it," he said, so calm, so relaxed.

"It's so good being here," she said, "I feel better already, just being here with you. You're so calm and peaceful."

"I'm glad," he said, "you'll always be welcome you know."

"I saw the notice you put at the gate," she said and laughed, " 'Private Land. Trespassers Welcome! Please Keep to the path.' You mean it too, don't you?"

He nodded. Noticing she had changed the subject. He waited, and she realised he had seen through her ploy.

"Life with Gerry has been horrible this week," she said, her tension returning. "He won't believe what happened. He says I'm lying. He thinks we knew one another before he came along and we are having an affaire. He says I had the argument and fell back so I could come here after he had gone. He laughed at the idea that I nearly died. He looks at me with revulsion and we're sleeping apart. He keeps on making snide remarks about me being a slut and a whore."

"But he's still with you?" Joseph asked. "Is it his flat or yours?"

"His. He begged me to move in with him. We were sleeping in his flat most of the time in any case. He wanted me there all the time, so I did as he asked. I don't think he knows I've kept my flat on, but I don't live there any more."

"You've been together long?"

"We met a year ago, I moved in three months ago. He's very jealous. He picked me up from work one afternoon and I was talking with a colleague while I waited for him. He hit the roof. We had a major row. He accused me of flirting with colleagues, and wanting an affaire. Fat chance at my offices! Life was hell for about a week, eventually he could not keep away from me and came back into bed. Things settled down, but this is worse. He's sure we're having an affaire and nothing I can say can change his mind.

"During the week we were both out at work, but I couldn't face a weekend with him."

She stopped, and flopped back into the chair. He sat a while in thought. Then he got up.

"Tea?" he asked and she nodded.

He returned at length with two mugs. They sat in silence sipping the hot liquid. Then he spoke.

"You are very pretty," Joseph said, and she blushed wondering where he was going with that. She knew it wasn't flattery; from him it was a statement of fact.

"What I mean is, for that reason he is insecure. I think deep down he believes he is not enough for you, and that you will go off with someone else. I'll bet he was quite insistent about you moving in with him?"

"Well, yes, he kept urging me to give up my flat."

"He would be worried what you might get up to when apart. He's a worried man."

"He's no need to," she said, "I've never looked at another man while I've been with him. When he's not so jealous he's lovely, but he's in a real rage this time, he's even told our friends that I've been cheating. Some of them aren't talking to me. I don't know what to do."

Joseph looked at her, and saw the tears welling in her eyes. What could he say? He remembered a time past when he felt as Gerard felt. He knew Gerard was unlikely to be able to change.

"What is your feeling about what you might do?"

"I don't think anything I do will make him change. I feel sad he can't trust me. I hate it that he makes me out a liar."

"The only person to make him change is himself," said Joseph, recalling another memory.

A tear trickled down her cheek. "You're right of course. I don't think I can go on anymore. I think it's the end for us. I feel a real failure."

"What have you done that's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing!" she replied, startled.

"Than you are not a failure and probably neither is he," Joseph went on. "It's more a mismatch. It happens."

Again a memory.

She nodded, but looked sad. Her gaze ran round the room and fell on the altar.

"I noticed your little altar," she said, "the photographs?"

"There is a long story attached to the people you will have seen there."

"Would you tell me?"

Joseph looked at Angela. Perhaps she would benefit from his story.

----

FOUR

Joseph began his tale.

"I'm the only child of two only children. I have no cousins, no uncles or aunts. There are some more distant relatives, but I hardly know them. The older couple in the photo are my parents.

"I did an engineering degree and then went to work for my father in his company. It made highly accurately machined components for all sort of household appliances, car engines, even some aircraft parts. We were very successful and life was good.

"I had met Susan in my last year at university She was two years older than I was, and we married two years after I started work. I was so happy. We bought a small house, and a year later Sonia was born. That's Susan and Sonia in the other photo. Life was wonderful for the next two years.

"Then my father was in an accident at work. He was pig-headed and didn't take enough care. I watched the machine pull him in and mangle his arms and head. He survived for two days in a coma and died.

"My mother went to pieces; she was a wreck, and she didn't get any better. They were deeply in love all their lives together. I was all she had and so I had to look after her while running the factory. I neglected Susan and Sonia I know. I thought Susan understood, for she never complained.

"Mum lasted six months and then she took her own life with an overdose. Her suicide note blamed me for my father's death.

"Now I went to pieces. So soon after coping with running the factory solo I had to sort out the after-effects of her death - coroner's inquest, funeral, selling their large and rambling house and furniture.

"I was going through hell, and I thought I had Susan's support. We made love, I played with Sonia when I could. It was all too much for me, and I had no family and no one to share the grief and work with. Susan and Sonia were my only support.

"One evening during the following year when I got home, she had gone and taken Sonia with her. She had found someone else. I later found out he had found her and worked hard to wean her off me. He had money and time, and while I had plenty of money, time was something I did not have at all then.

"His name was Trevor. He was an executive in a large consulting firm, very competitive. I learned that from a friend who knew of him. Everything about Trevor was big, I was told, and he was arrogant with it. I was to find that out for myself.

"I was desolate. She made no contact, and I got the divorce petition after a week. No explanation; no discussion. The reason for the marriage breakdown was my unreasonable conduct in spending all my time on the business. I got a good friend who was a lawyer to handle things.

"He advised me not to fight it but to return the acknowledgement 'no contest'. He pointed out that I would lose a great deal of money fighting the divorce, and even then I would lose.

"There was money wrangling, which my friend took care of, refusing to give her the house, since she had moved out and was living with Trevor, disputing the amount of spousal support for the same reason, but agreeing to child maintenance. She wanted half my wealth and half the business, that was disputed also.

"Then I got a visit from Susan. She arrived in his car, though he stayed in it while she came to the house.

"She was not sorry: it was all my fault. She told me Trevor was more of a man than I was, he was forceful, dominant, a go-getter. She found his control over what she did exciting. I had been a wimp, doing everything she wanted; he did what he wanted and told her what to do. A real man.

"Trevor thought that she should get half the business. Of course he would take control and run it, since I had no experience of the cut and trust of business life. I would have my shares and be paid a salary. Angela, I could not believe what I was hearing.

"I simply said no. It flummoxed her. What did I mean, no? What I said. The company was mine, had been in the family for three generations and was successful. She told me Trevor said it was failing. I told her he was a liar. She got angry.

"She calmed down and came to the next demand. Trevor thought that Sonia should have his name once they got married, and that I should fade out of her life. It would be better for her to have one father figure. If I agreed, he would drop his demand for half the company! I leave you to work out what he was after."

"He wanted to win; to take all your dignity, deprive you of your little girl."

Joseph nodded.

"Again I said no. Susan said Trevor told her if I didn't agree I'd be sorry. He had powerful friends and high powered lawyers. They would take it from me and more. I laughed at her.

"She left, saying I'd had my chance. Well, the dispute over money dragged on, but the divorce continued, and a few weeks later, I received the Decree Nisi. You know what that means?"

"The divorce is not final, it's the court saying it can go ahead?"

Again Joseph nodded. He paused in his tale, and went to get more tea. When he returned, Angela was eager to hear more.

"Well?" she said. "What happened? Did you win in the end?"

"No," he said bleakly.

"He won?"

"No, he killed them."

"Pardon?" she was shocked; it was so sudden and stark.

"He apparently insisted on a big party to celebrate the divorce, or at least the first step. It was at an expensive restaurant with her family and he invited me. I didn't go."

She laughed at the idea. Joseph smiled and continued.

"He got drunk at the party but insisted on driving Susan and Sonia home, Susan was heard asking him to allow her to drive, but no, Mr Macho had to drive. He went off the road at speed and hit a tree. Susan and Sonia were killed outright; the left side of the car was flattened against the tree. He was slightly injured, and survived."

"Oh, Joseph," she whispered compassionately, "how dreadful!"

"The first I heard about it was when Roberta, or Bobby as everyone called her, Susan's sister came knocking on my door. She was in tears as she broke the news. Then, a week later, she was back. She was very timid and frightened of my reaction. Trevor had refused to pay for the funeral - he said he was not married to Susan, and didn't see why he should pay. Bobby was sent by Susan's family to ask me if I would pay since they hadn't got much money."

Joseph laughed at the recollection. "Bobby was terrified; she actually cowered once she got it out!"

"And?"

"Susan was still my wife - the divorce wasn't absolute - and little innocent Sonia was my daughter. Of course I gave them a good funeral. They were buried together. I went to the service and the burial, though the family organised it. I carried Sonia in her little coffin. You might remember it because of Sonia: it made the local TV news."

"No, I don't remember," she said.

"Trevor did not attend, nor did he send a card or any flowers, or make a donation to the charity the family had chosen. I think he was afraid of the reaction if he had; it would have been humiliating for him, and I don't think he could face that.

"He was given a breath test at the scene, and in the hospital. He was three times over the limit. He was convicted of causing death by dangerous driving. He lost his license for three years and was heavily fined and narrowly escaped prison; his prison sentence was suspended. He disappeared from the scene quite rapidly.

"That was ten years ago and the memory is still fresh. I lost both parents, and my wife and child, knowing my wife had rejected me for a callous and greedy man.

"Of course I disintegrated, fell apart. I remember being so angry, not at Susan or even Trevor, but at the waste, at myself for not taking more care of Susan. Perhaps for not fighting him. I felt guilty - responsible for their deaths. Hopeless, depressed."

"So what did you do?" she asked, then, "Oh, Joseph, I'm sorry, that was so insensitive."

"It's ten years ago, Angela," he said gently, "It's over."

"You are very calm," she said, "What about since?"

"My general manager is also a very good friend. He saw the state I was in and recommended a retreat in a monastery for as long as it would take, and he would look after the company.

"So I went. It was life-changing. I was there a month and one of the monks straightened my head. Then I heard of a Buddhist monastery and went there for another month. Then back to the Cistercians to work and pray with them. I wondered about joining, but my spiritual director there said it was not for me. I worked in their fields and looked after their animals. I did some repair work on the equipment, I am a mechanic at heart you know.

"I learned a great deal about myself there and about life. I learned how little is needed to be happy and contented. I learned that life is about letting go, that desire leads to suffering. I knew what to do. I needed to learn to forgive."

"So you moved here?"

"I sold my house and most of what was in it, and bought this cottage. I offered shares in the company to the management and workers. I keep a majority holding, but they participate in the profits, and have representation on the board.

"I was able to sort this place out and extend it a little, from the profits on the house and the shares, and I had enough capital to tide me over until I could get the crops and the animals and hens. I am Chairman of the Board, but my friend is now Chief Executive and runs things. So there's plenty of money coming in to provide me with a good income, even without the small-holding. I phone Dennis once a week and chair a board meeting once a month, but I don't have to make day to day decisions very often any more.

"The other photo - the silhouette? That's Trevor?"

"I had no photo so I improvised."

"But why?"

"To help me to forgive them. They face me as I meditate every day."

"Your parents?"

"Yes, for dying and leaving me, Dad for being stupid, taking risks with the machinery, and Mum for her suicide and blaming me. Then Susan for leaving me, and taking Sonia from me, and Trevor for killing them in his arrogance."

"And?"

"Long since." He smiled that contented and loving smile, and she knew it was true.

"You know my name - Joseph?" he said; it wasn't really a question. "It means 'God shall add'. Well a lot was taken away, but I think in some sense it was for my own good. I have let it go. Now everything in my life is added. You are added, even if only for a short time. I'm grateful."

At that moment something happened in her. It was a warmth such as she had never felt before: she wanted him, and wanted to share his life. She just knew it. It was also naked sexual desire. Again she summoned up her courage; she was in awe of him.

"Joseph," she ventured, "would you let me come and stay here again?"

"Tonight?"

"Longer? I could take Monday and Tuesday off work."

"Of course, Angela. You know your name means, 'God's messenger'. You are a gift and you brighten my life."

He smiled and her heart leapt, "Have you suitable clothing for hiking?" he asked, "I go walking with Bob on Sundays."

She was taken aback. "Well, only what I'm wearing," she said.

"Tomorrow if it's fine I'd still like to go; want to come? I promise I won't leave you behind!"

They laughed. She nodded.

"Then we'd better take you into town and get you kitted out. Boots, clothing. My treat."

"Oh, I couldn't let you pay for me!" she protested, "it'll cost the earth."

"I've plenty of earth," he gestured to the window at his land and laughed again, it was musical and she loved it.

"Seriously, I can afford it and I want to," he said.