The Spear of Flame

"Well, how the hell are you going to live? Even if they let Peter stay on to finish the course he won't be able to keep you and the baby. And what's more, they'll never ordain him."

"My parents left me a little money; not much but enough to get by on, and I don't have to tell anyone who the father is."

"What about Ralph's position here, have you thought about that?"

"Yes, of course I have. His wicked wife runs away from him so they'll all sympathise, I can clear off before the obvious becomes obvious."

Stephanie shrugged. "I wish I had your sort of courage," she said wistfully, "I know if I had I'd run off with Rex tomorrow, pregnant or not."

I felt sorry for her and putting my arms round her I said, "You'll find the courage if you really love Rex, but don't go and get pregnant if you really don't want a baby with him."

"I do," she said, "but..." A tear rolled down her cheek.

Peter was due to arrive so I could not stay. "I've got to go, Stephanie," I said, "and don't worry about me; I can take care of myself now. Since meeting Peter I've learned a lot about life and living."

I kissed her on the cheek and added, "Whatever happens I'll always be grateful to you for bringing Peter into my life."

Almost as soon as I got indoors Peter was tapping on the French windows. I had spoken bravely with Stephanie, but I was not at all sure how Peter was going to take the news and my nerves were on edge.

I let him in, and as was his habit, he took me in his arms and kissed me passionately. After that we usually headed straight for the bedroom but now I said, "Let's sit on the divan for a while, I've got something to tell you."

We sat and he said, "You're pregnant."

"That flattened me for a moment and I stammered out, "H-h-how d-d-do you know?"

He smiled and said, "Well, it had to happen some time, didn't it."

"But I might have been on the pill."

He smiled again; "You might have been, but you let slip one night when Ralph was away that he always uses a condom, and you've said enough to indicate that anyway he hardly ever comes near you, especially now you sleep in separate rooms. So I decided that you weren't on the pill."

"And yet you still made love with me!"

"Yes, and I suppose that might have been irresponsible, but I wanted you so much."

"Then you don't mind that I'm pregnant?"

"Yes and no; in one way I'm delighted and honoured that you chose to have a baby with me, but I do mind that I won't be in any position to keep you financially."

"Never mind about that, Peter, I've got my own plans and I shall be able to manage."

"Do your plans include me?"

"Only if you want them to."

"I do want them to, but what are you going to do?"

"For the moment I don't want to say anything about that, but you want me to have this baby and haven't mentioned an abortion and that makes me very happy. Keep coming to see me and let me do what I believe I have to do. When we first came together I was little more than a child where love and sex was concerned. I've grown up very quickly since then and can handle this situation. Now take me upstairs and make passionate love with me."

I waited a few days before I fronted Ralph. When I did I'm not sure I handled it very well. I was very forthright and confronting.

He was working in his study and I went in and said I had something to say to him. He looked up, no doubt anticipating some minor domestic matter. I sat in the chair beside his desk and began.

"Right from the start of our marriage, Ralph, our sex life has been, to say the least, unsatisfactory. Now it is almost non-existent. I think we both married for the wrong reasons and I think the time has come to end our marriage."

He looked stunned for a moment, and then said, "But I thought you were quite contented, and you've been so happy lately."

"I think you might have been contented, Ralph, but I certainly haven't been. It's not enough for me to be your domestic servant, cook and entertainer of your dull and pretentious colleagues. This is not the life for me, and although I'm grateful for your kindness, I can't go on any longer in this relationship. As a marriage it has become a complete farce and I can't and won't go on in it."

I'm not sure what I expected from him, but I got the feeling that there was a sign of some relief in his eyes. That he had affection for me I did not doubt, but it was not an affection that wanted me around the place except in the domestic role. Surprisingly he made no mention of my spoiling his career, and simply asked, "How will you live," as if accepting the fact that I was going.

I felt a bit put out that he did not protest and ask me to stay, but at the same time I was relieved that it had been so easy. I told him of my plans to live on what my parents had left me plus what I might earn when I got some work. I made no mention of being pregnant, not so much because I was afraid to mention it, but if he didn't know it would be seen around campus as a wife simply was leaving her husband, thus allowing his colleagues and the campus cats to sympathise with him.

More was said in this conversation and afterwards, but at no time did Ralph come out and say, "I don't want you to go," nor did he give me any of the "Marriage is for life" talk.

The seemingly casual way he took the situation had me somewhat bewildered since I'd geared myself up for a right royal argument and recriminations. In the end I had to face the fact that he was not sorry I was leaving and that I had been an appendage to his life that he did not want.

The following weeks I saw less of Peter than usual as I was often out house or flat seeking. I finally found a place the rent which I could afford and there followed the packing of my personal belongings and some pieces of furniture that I had retained after the death of my parents. These, plus a few purchases were to be my new environment.

The cottage that I was renting was further away from Peter than I liked, but he bravely peddled his bicycle to see me several times a week.

He brought news from the campus and as I had conjectured, all sympathy was on the side of Ralph and I had been consigned to hell fires for all eternity. No one knew of my pregnancy apart from Peter, Stephanie and Rex, and they had said nothing about it.

Ralph had made a few initial enquires after I moved out, telephoning to ask if I was all right, but after a while they ceased.

I gave birth to a boy whom Peter and I decided to name John Peter. I wanted Peter present at the birth but at that time only husbands were allowed this.

As the law allowed a couple to divorce after one year's irretrievable breakdown in the marriage, I began proceedings as soon as possible. Six months later Peter arrived bearing momentous news. Ralph had remarried; she was a rather plain nurse who was fitting in nicely with the campus cats, and Ralph seemed very happy.

There only remained to settle the situation with Peter and me. His course was drawing near to the end and he decided he would not proceed to ordination, but would go on to teach a course that had only recently been entered into the high school curriculum, and oddly, it was the very subject I had been studying when I met Ralph, Comparative Religion.

I had not pressed Peter to marry me but he had been very insistent. His parents were a bit of a worry as we thought they might object to him marrying a woman who had been married before and had a child. We made no mention of Peter being the father, but there was a moment of anxiety when his mother, on seeing John, commented, "Its odd, but he does look like you Peter;" but the moment passed and it seemed that I was accepted as a suitable wife for Peter. The matter was clinched with mother-in-law when I eventually gave birth to a daughter.

Stephanie finally fled with her beloved Rex but how they fared I don't know since I have lost all contact with them.

Perhaps you are curious about my on-going sex life with Peter. Well, we eventually calmed down, but he is still capable of raising me to the heights when we make love. It has never become a routine matter since neither of us knows when the other is going to initiate the event and if our copulating is a bit less noisy these days, it's because we don't want to wake the children. Perhaps we should get ourselves a soundproof room.

At the moment I am expecting our third child, and after that I shall probably go on the pill, but I shall still cry out, "Take me and use me all my days."