The Spencer Letters Vol. 02

My Flame,

Thank you for your passionate letter. You ask if I feel too connected to you? I don't think there is a way to be too connected to someone. Yes, I feel connected to you, and I will revel in that connection.

You also ask me if I am happy when I am with you. That is an understatement, my dear. I have just passed the most blissful eight hours anyone could ever ask for. I never, ever want you to go. And it's true, I confess, I do cry when you leave. Tears of joy because I have you, and of despair because I cannot keep you here with me. Despair because I must wait yet another week to spend those blissful moments in your arms again, and I must spend that week in the company of the most loathsome person I know.

And until now I didn't think I had any feelings left – that cold cellar I locked myself in long ago, I was ready to resign myself to it. To being the cold, heartless bitch I had grown to be, staying with him because it was all I knew to do, and taking it out on everyone around me. The comfort zone. FUCK the comfort zone! What I am feeling now, with you, is unlike anything I have experienced before. But, what do I expect...It is you, after all, we're dealing with here, and you are quite unlike anyone I have ever known. I don't think either of us expected this, feeling like this, lusting like this...

I loved the story you told me, your words still ring clearly, echoing in my head: "I was feeling very horny when I got home after seeing you, I couldn't do anything but take care of it myself...And for as many things as I have seen, and as many as I have done, you were the only thing on my mind the entire time...I could almost see my cock disappearing in your mouth, your pussy quivering around the tip of it before I pushed it into you. And I came so hard...so hard...thinking about you..." – and that's when you shook your head in amazement – "and when I went to sleep, it was still you I was thinking of. I didn't think I would survive the week without you."

I was so glad to hear you say that, love. I didn't want to be the only one feeling the way I did. And it's there still, and it won't go away! Believe me, I have tried to make it go away. Mother Goddess, why do You torment me!

And do you really know, love? Do you know what life with me would be like? I fear that you do not quite understand what you are getting yourself into, when you've gotten into me. Do you know that I could love you more fully, more completely than anyone has ever known how? Do you know that I would take care of you the way no one else could do? But don't you also know that I am a demanding, controlling, hard-nosed and manipulative bitch? You've been my friend long enough to know these things, but how deeply do you understand them?

I suppose it doesn't matter yet, does it? We are, as you said, madly in love and madly in lust, and we both seem to have the same train of thought in regards to our new relationship. We have always communicated well, and that serves us now, although sometimes I still have problems with it. Once someone has broken through my shell, love, it's hard to find my footing again.

What am I so afraid of?

He still suspects nothing. Of course, there would be no way to treat him less like a husband than I already had, so I suppose I give him no room to compare. In all honestly, I don't believe he pays close enough attention to know the difference. It doesn't matter anymore. I have long past the desire for him and his approval and acceptance. After so many betrayals from him, so many sleepless nights wondering what random barfly he had gone home with, so many girls I caught with him in our bed...I don't care anymore. And yes, you're right, he has said that his "wild oats" days are over, and he wishes to repair our marriage and commit to me. But it's far too late for that. This, he should have thought of before he married me.

It's not your fault, darling. This was bound to happen sooner or later. He and I have suffered a breakdown, and there is no going back now. We've been finished for a long, long time.

Don't trouble yourself, love. I am glad this happened, and I am glad it was you.

I am counting the minutes until I can see you again...

Yours,

K.