The Sultanah Ch. 11

Cin, of course, had been right. I had been searching for acceptance as Sultanah since the day of my coronation. Earlier actually. I had been trying to convince the people and the barons of my legitimacy by acting as a Sultan would act. I had been trying desperately to find an ally, someone in the world to take up arms against my enemy on my behalf, as my father had tried. Seeking allies was important (necessary really) but it had become more than that to me. I felt so strange, so alone and different. I felt that outside confirmation would make me feel whole. But I was rejected everywhere and by everyone. Even those who had an interest in my success. No one trusted me, they didn't understand me. I tried to project the male aspects of myself, to make myself seem like the other leaders (for my own sake, if not for theirs), but I was denying something about myself. I sought their daughters for marriage, I played their dynastic games, I thought of war on their terms. But I was denying something about myself in these encounters. I was different. But I understood now, that didn't have to mean I would be alone.

Cin was there for me. Arkadas was there. Kardes, Soyguncu, Saygili, and others were there as well. They had not (all) been there waiting when I first became Sultanah, I had had to work to find them. And to keep them. But now I had earned their loyalty. And we were stronger because of it. They would not have been a sufficient Inner Council for someone else, a normal, male Sultan. A bunch of women, a thief, a glorified guard. But I was not a normal, male Sultan. The world was not designed for me. But I was making a place for myself by working harder, by finding things that other people didn't want and using them in ways that no one else could.

Who else would want two cocked concubines? Even two as beautiful as Kıvrak and Peri? They would not know what to do with them at best, be disgusted at worse. But I had felt whole here, physically and spiritually, in a way I never did when I worked against my nature. They had filled me and made me feel invincible. I had searched through the trash of men, to find the diamonds in the rough for a Sultanah. It would not have worked for anyone else, but it gave me strength.

These thoughts truly illustrated Cin's insight or, perhaps the insight of Gunes, because I would never have been able to see the connection between this issue and my problems with my wife, Nislani. Why was I still in conflict with her? I had spoken honestly with Cin, my hatred of her had truly burned away. But if that was the case, what did we have left to fight about? What did it mean when I thought that we were not connecting? Perhaps it was not her or me, but the boxes we had placed ourselves in. I had married her. She was my wife and I was the...husband. We tried to fill those roles because that is what we knew and that is what everyone else expected, even if they were disgusted by us. But that wasn't who we were. I was not a husband. Nislani was not a wife. Placing a hat on a dog does not make him a man. But there was something there, between us. There had to be, Gunes would not have put us together otherwise.

And that was the realization that I had, covered in seed and panting on the cold floor of my harem, surrounded by concubines with cocks. I was thinking about my policy in a fundamentally flawed way. At the same time, I was thinking of my marriage in a fundamentally flawed way. What I needed to do was stop thinking about what I was supposed to do based on what anyone else would do. I was not anyone else. I needed to work harder and think about my situation differently. I needed to find connections on my own terms. And when I did, they'd be stronger than steel.

End Chapter 11

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YKN

P.S. I do one edit of my work and I try to be thorough. But I figure when it comes to handing out free erotica, you all would be better served getting it fast (if a little rough), than waiting for me to polish it like I was getting paid for my work. Especially on a massive project like this, it took a year to write and could take longer to edit. So, in short, I know there are some errors and I don't really care that much. Don't complain about the soundtrack in your porno, don't sweat the typos in your erotica. Thanks.

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