The Sun on my Skin Ch. 02

We arrive at 'The Three Feathers', despite the fact that neither of us mentioned the destination, and sit down with our drinks. There's an intense feeling of déjà vu as we're sat in the same seats with the same drinks as that first time, months ago. "So, what shall we talk about, now we can discuss anything?" Tina asks after her first sip of wine.

"I don't know but maybe no more about sex." She looks at me quizzically and I feel my cheeks redden. "Look, I realized this morning that I miss the fun sex too, okay? And thinking about it has... effects; I sure I don't have to paint you a picture."

"Not if you don't want to," she replies, an unhelpfully ambiguous answer. "Anyway, it's not as if my like is full of fun sex at the moment... or any sex at all, for that matter."

"Not even..?" I snap my mouth shut, unable to finish the sentence. Intimate though this conversation is becoming, I cannot ask her if she masturbates. Tina, however, seems to be in full telepathic mode as she laughs quietly.

"Of course I do! I'd go completely bonkers if it weren't for my fingers but doing it on your own is never quite as good as being with someone, don't you agree?"

"I suppose..."

"Don't you, er, see to yourself from time to time?"

"Well, not lately." I take a drink. Somehow, I find this chance to be completely open about this with someone irresistible. "Not even if I don't cum when we make love. Like I said, it's all been about him cumming in me, him fertilizing me..." I tell her quietly.

"Maybe... maybe you're trying too hard. Maybe you need to relax and let whatever's going to happen just happen." She takes my hand, making me look up into her grey eyes that radiate compassion. The world shrinks to contain just the two of us. "Maybe you just need to kick back and have some fun."

"What did you have in mind?" I ask, my voice no more than a whisper yet fills the small space between us. Is she really coming on to me?

"Do you dance?" Her question really isn't what I expected.

"What? Yes, sort of, at parties sometimes; why?" The truth is I occasionally dance with Clive, usually just a slow dance or two at the end when all the couples get up.

"Come with me and let's go dancing!"

"What, right now? I'm not exactly dressed to party." Fridays are dress-down days so while the light summer skirt and pale yellow vee neck top aren't too formal, they're not really what I'd pick to go dancing in.

She reaches out and raises her glass to drain it. "You look absolutely fine. Come on!" She nods at my half-full glass. Mesmerised, I obey, the tingling, sharp coldness of the tonic nothing compared to the tingling nervous excitement inside me. I have heard people say 'you need taking out of yourself' and that's exactly what I feel is happening to me right now as Tina leads me from the pub. We board a bus, though I don't notice the route number or destination. I sit beside Tina and very soon we're travelling along streets I do not recognise.

The next thing I know she is pulling my arm, urging me to stand so we can alight, though I have no idea how far we have come. I feel I have left myself -- the sad, angry and worried me -- still sat in The Three Feathers like the body of some spirit-walking shaman, while the long-trapped, fun-loving girl inside follows Tina on this adventure.

There is a door, red and ajar, with a burly woman bouncer who nods a perfunctory permission to enter to Tina as we approach. There is a small window inside and Tina talks to the person and hands over money as I gaze down the corridor towards the sound of music emanating from the doors at the end.

"Disco?" I ask.

"Yeah, or nightclub if you prefer. Come on, the first drinks are included because we're here early." Once again she takes my hand, hurrying me through the doors and into the club. The music is loud, but not deafeningly so. A group of three women are in a group moving rhythmically but talking as much as dancing. People stand and sit around in groups, some mixed and some single-sex, presumably summoning up the courage to mix and chat up members of the opposite sex later. I notice as we walk to the bar that females predominate, which suits me as I've no desire to be chatted up.

Tina waves for service and a barman walks over. He is young, tall and very skinny with spiky, cropped black hair and a stud in his nose. To my surprise I see he is wearing eyeliner, making him look like a member of some 1980s New Romantic pop band.

The sense of unreality remains as we find a table. "Tina, where the hell are we?"

"In a club, having a drink and going to dance. You," she squeezes my upper arm softly, "can do whatever you want as long as you relax and have fun." Once again there is that feeling of closeness and intimacy.

"So I don't have to dance if my dancing is crap, which it is."

"I don't believe you so if you don't want to dance you'll have to prove that it's crap."

"How?"

"By showing me, of course. Come on, I like this one." She grabs my hand and I recognise the opening bars of 'La Vida Loca' and I immediately think of the movie Shrek. She tugs my hand but I resist. "Come on, Jan; if a big, green ogre can dance to this then you can!"

"Are you calling me an ogre?" I cannot help laughing, not least because the song obviously has the same association for her as for me.

"No, you're not an ogre," she smiles.

"Actually, it was Puss in Boots and Donkey who sang this!" She takes advantage of my laughter to draw me towards the dance area.

"Okay, if a donkey can dance to this then you can!" She begins to move to the music though she doesn't release my hand. "Of course, paint me green and I could pass for Princess Fiona," she adds.

She continues to dance and I have no choice but to dance too unless I want to be tugged around like a dog on a leash. She takes my other hand, helping me to match her moves and the rhythm of the music. "You're not an ogre either," I say, leaning in so she can hear me. "You'd even beat Fiona in human form."

"Thank you, that's very sweet." She pulls me and somehow I know she wants me to spin as she holds my hand over my head. I manage a clumsy twirl as, against all expectations. I actually begin to enjoy this. The next time I'm more prepared and my move more assured. I feel myself grinning at my success and Tina returns the smile.

The song ends, flowing into some disco number I don't recognise. Tina holds my hand to stop me leaving but she needn't: I'm happy to be here with her, happy to be so... carefree and just follow her lead. We dance on and on as another song begins. I grow in confidence; my body learning again to move and sway in a way it hasn't done since I was a teenager.

We return to our table, by way of the bar, sometime later, I'm not sure how long but I am hot, breathing hard and exhilarated. "God, I'm so out of condition!" I say, taking a drink from one of the bottles of water we bought along with the wine and the G and T. "This is the most exercise I've done in months."

"Have you considered swimming?" she asks. "You could always join me a couple of times a week."

"Are you serious? That sounds like a recipe for complete humiliation: I mean, there's no way I could keep up with you in a swimming pool, and I don't just mean in the water; there's also being seen next to you whilst wearing a swimming costume." I take another swig of water.

"Don't do yourself down, Jan, you're a beautiful woman." I almost choke on the water but, by the look on her face, she intends an honest compliment. I put down the water as I finish clearing my throat and take a sip of gin and tonic. She also just called me 'Jan' again I realise, something I normally object to. However, from Tina here and now, I like it; it seems appropriate, somehow, to leave half my name behind along with my stresses and worries.

"Um thank you," I reply, struggling to process how I feel about being called 'beautiful' by a lesbian; extremely flattered but a little uncomfortable about sums it up. "Come on, let dance some more," I suggest before she can say anything else.

We return to dancing to the frenetic beat of 'I'm so excited!' and I do my best to keep up with Tina. There are others dancing nearby and somehow the two of us merge into the group of three women and a man closest to us. They seem very friendly and one of them, a young women with hair dyed a deep blood-red, shouts a 'hello' over the music and when the track changes to 'Sweet dreams are made of this' the woman yells, "Oh, I love this one!" and proceeds to prove it by singing along, word for word as she dances.

We dance on through a few songs I recognise -- and even more that I don't -- until our four new dance partners decide it's time for them to take a break. As they go, the chap asks if we want to join them for a drink. Tina looks at me and I give a 'why not?' shrug. I don't want to be chatted up by blokes but he seems innocent enough with the three women and I could do with another break.

The bar is busy and as we approach the red-haired girl decides to make introductions as we shuffle towards being served. "Hi, I'm Michele, this is Jon, Lisa his girlfriend and also my big sister," we say hello as I strive to see a family resemblance, "and this is Frankie, my girlfriend." She slips her arm around the curvaceous girl in a mini-dress leaving little doubt what she means by 'girlfriend'.

As the one standing nearest I introduce Tina and myself. "Are you two a couple?" Frankie asks, flummoxing me.

"What..?" I gasp but Tina is unfazed by the question.

"No we're just friends, work colleagues actually."

"Oh, okay," she replies easily. "What would you like to drink? Jon's made it to the bar."

Five minutes later we're all crowded into a table designed for four and making small talk. "Frankie and I like it here; it's a nice relaxed, tolerant place. I hope you weren't offended by Frankie's question: quite a few gays and lesbians come here so... well, we just wondered, you know, seeing the two of you dancing."

"No, I wasn't offended just a bit surprised, that's all," I reassure her. The conversation struggles on but the volume of the music has been turned up so it's hardly the place for sharing life stories.

"Come on," Tina leans in close to speak to me, her breath tickling my ear, "let's dance some more."

"Are you trying to wear me out completely?" I laugh back as I stand and turn to the other four. "We're going to dance again. Do you want to join us?" They look from one to the other.

"Maybe in a bit," Jon replies on their collective behalf.

Whilst I'm still enjoying myself, I also feel myself flagging as I try to keep up with Tina's ceaseless energy. However, I don't want her to think I'm completely feeble. She comes to a sudden, abrupt halt. "Oh, shitting hell!" she curses.

"What?" I ask, confused and a little surprised because I haven't often heard her swear.

"Tina, what a surprise." I turn at the voice behind me to see a woman as tall as Tina but thin and willowy with dark hair and a condescending smirk.

"Alex." Tina's voice is flat and terse. I notice this woman, Alex, has a companion, very attractive and with a possessive grasp on Alex's arm as she presses close beside her. Then the penny drops; Alex -- Alexandra Kowalski -- Tina's ex.

"My, haven't your standards dropped or does your frumpy little girlfriend here look much better naked?" I hear Tina gasp, one which mirrors my own. "Poor, sad Tina."

"God, what did Tina ever see in such a vile and venomous stick insect?" The voice echoes my own thoughts, sounding clearly as the music volume drops with the quiet opening of the next track. When Tina, Alex and the clingy woman look at me I realize that it was me that spoke. However, I refuse to recant my words and stare at Alex whose contemptuous sneer wavers.

"Come on Jan, let's go; this club's suddenly gone really downhill." Tina's voice resonates with barely suppressed anger.

"Absolutely," I agree, slipping my arm through hers as we turn and walk away.

"Thank you for saying that," Tina says as we reach the edge of the dance area. "You were just like this song!" she smiles. "Listen," she adds at my confused look.

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing, you're fuckin' perfect to me.

"That's very flattering, though I didn't actually intend to say that out loud," I admit after we pass through the double doors, making out way back out.

"Really? Well, that makes it even nicer because it must have been something you really thought. And like the song said, don't believe that bitch back there and feel you're not perfect." I feel shy and undeserving of her praise, even though it's very nice to be complimented.

"Thank you for this evening, Tina; it's been great fun, just like you promised and I really needed that," I say as we exit back onto the street. "I never knew that I could dance like that!" I glance around the unfamiliar street: the streetlights are on, while above the sky is not yet black but a deep indigo.

"It's still quite early," she tells me, glancing at the phone she has taken from her pocket, "it's... only just gone nine. We could do something else if you want to."

"Well, something to eat would be good; we could head back and go to that Italian place just off the High Street."

"Good idea."

I see even less on the bus ride back and it occurs to me that I still have no idea where we went, so I ask her.

"The club? It's called Quixote's, you know, as in Don Quixote?"

"The knight who attacked windmills thinking they were giants, from the book by Cervantes..."

"Yes, okay little Ms Encyclopaedia," she laughs. "I think people see it as a place to just be themselves." I nod because it certainly was a very relaxed, easy-going place. All except Tina's ex, of course.

I try to mind my own business but eventually cannot help asking, "Tina, why does Alex seem to hate you?" She is quiet for a few moments before answering.

"I don't know. I haven't seen her in over a year. I know meeting your ex-girlfriend is never easy..." Her voice is sad. "It wasn't an easy parting and I did something stupid to try and keep us together, something that upset her and made it worse, but I've always thought she'd already met someone else by then anyway, so she was always going to leave me."

"Perhaps she feels guilty and her anger is a reaction to that, or maybe she wishes she hadn't left you but doesn't want to admit that to herself."

"Maybe." Her lips press tight and the corners of her mouth turn down.

"I... well, for what it's worth I think you're better off with her gone: you deserve someone much nicer, someone as wonderful and caring as you are." I feel her arm slip through mine as she leans against me. It's hard to believe that six months ago I felt I hardly knew this woman but she has now become a good, kind friend.

We make it to the restaurant less than half an hour before it closes. We are given a table though we're informed that one of the daily specials, Filetto Di Manzo alla Crema', has sold out. No matter, I fancy risotto anyway and Tina orders lasagne and we share a carafe of red wine. As we eat our conversation drifts to hobbies and interests. Somewhat to my shame I have to admit that aside from intermittently, and consequently rather slowly, reading the occasional novel, I don't really have any hobbies. "I guess that just leaves watching TV, which I'd hate to call a hobby, and trying to have a baby... or more likely drinking too much because we're not trying to have a baby, usually because of some tiff Clive and I have had..."

"Hey! Stop right there madam!" the sternness of her voice is tempered by the smile and stops my slide into unhappy thoughts.

"Sorry, Tina: only fun this evening, I remember. Okay, what are your hobbies, apart from swimming and dancing -- hey, maybe I could add dancing, if... I mean, if we were to do this again, sometime."

"Of course we can. I guess I can say dancing in that case but also, and don't laugh, I knit. The green jumper I often wear is one I made." I give a little chuckle, earning a hard stare.

"Sorry, I'm not mocking it's just so..."

"Unexpected?"

"Yeah, but impressive too; I wish I could do something practical and creative."

We split the bill at the end and walk along the road towards the bus stop. It's just my bus stop, of course, because hers lies in the opposite direction. Arriving is disappointing because this evening has been the most fun I've had in far too long. "Well, here we are," I say, not quite able to say goodbye.

I feel her fingers touch the back of my hand and I look into her face lit by the sodium glow of the streetlights. "Jan, um, you know if Clive is away for the night we don't have to go our separate way just yet..." Her fingers interlace with mine and she leans in to softly kiss my cheek close beside my mouth.

My stomach is suddenly full of butterflies. Is she really suggesting we spend the night together? Sleep together? I find myself drawn to her emotionally; literally too and I'm now so close to her I can feel the warmth radiating from her body. Her hands reach out to rest on my hips. It would be so easy to raise my lips to hers, to close the narrow gap between us and put my arms around her... I could say 'yes, take me somewhere I've never dreamt of going...' For a fleeting moment our lips brush as she moves back, and the tingle of that touch is echoed between my legs.

"Oh, Tina." My voice is a breathless whisper. What am I doing? This isn't me; I had my 'am I gay' phase at college so why am I doing this now? I'm engaged for fuck's sake! She bends to kiss me again but, despite the excitement and the desire of my body, I let my head drop to one side, avoiding her lips. "I want to, to... but I can't. It would be wrong, cheating on Clive. I'm sorry."

"I understand." There is disappointment in her voice. Shit. I don't want to upset her and lose her friendship.

"Tina, you are gorgeous and wonderful and," I take a breath, "and I am... tempted, so tempted. It's just..."

"Please, Jan, I understand. I'm your boss and you're afraid that if it didn't work out then maybe we wouldn't be friends anymore and it would be difficult working together..."

"Tina, all that might be true but it's more that I care about Clive. Um, that and the, er, baby thing, I suppose." Tina nods and I can see she's hurt by my rejection. All I've said is true, but there is something else I want to tell her: "Tina, this evening I hated the way Alex spoke to you but more than that I hate the way she hurt you by leaving. I said, and I meant it, that you deserve someone wonderful and I can't be that person because if I betray Clive to be with you then how could you ever trust me in future?" I want to make her understand what I mean. "Listen: my sister, Anna, had an affair with a married man, oh, five or six years ago. It broke up his marriage and they moved in together. It lasted less than two years and ended when she came home unexpectedly and caught him in bed with another woman. Once a cheat, always a cheat, as my mother kept saying, and you deserve better than another cheat for a partner."

She looks at me and finally nods. "I suppose so."

"But I've loved this evening and I don't want to lose you as a friend." On impulse, I kiss her cheek and give a brief, and hopefully clearly platonic, hug. She gives a sigh.

"I'm sorry, I misread things, didn't I?"

"Um, no, I'm not sure that's entirely true; you made me feel things and think things that I haven't thought or felt... well, not exactly never before but not for a very, very long time. However, this is the way it has to be, unfortunately."

"Thank you for being honest, Jan. I'd better go; will you be okay getting home?"