The Ugly Duckling

"Why is it," she wondered, "that so many good people are forgotten while the evil ones are remembered?" Why had she until now, and only because of porridge, just remembered David, whereas Josh -- well you couldn't call Josh evil, but he was careless with people, especially her - while David...virtually a stranger...?

She didn't know the answer, but she resolved that she would remember David, and thank him if ever she met him again, since she had failed to thank him before he had left her.

The porridge was ready when she entered the kitchen, and as she sat at the table eating Alice reminded her of her 10 o'clock appointment at the medical centre.

"Perhaps afterwards, we can have a talk," she said.

* * * * * * * *

Alice drove Anna to the medical centre, and at first the practice nurse took over, taking her blood pressure, temperature and extracting some blood to be sent to the lab for a report.

Then it was Harry's turn, wielding his stethoscope while Anna breathed deeply in and out. Her reflexes were tested and her tongue inspected, and she was asked about her bowels and bladder.

When he had finished Harry considered for a few moments and then said, "We have to know for sure whether your problem is physical or not, and we'll know more when we get the blood test result back, but as it stands you seem physically fine. We'll have a computer response about the blood test by tomorrow at the latest.

There were admonitions about taking it easy and not overdoing it, and since Anna's headache, after calming down a bit, was now returning, there was a prescription for a more potent pain killer than couldn't be purchased over the counter.

Alice had waited for her, so they drove to the pharmacy and waited for the medication. Then it was back to the house.

It was eleven o'clock as they sat down in the lounge with cups of tea; Ben at first tormented his teddy bear and then dropped off to sleep on the rug.

"Last night," Alice began, "you said, "I wish someone could love me like that." Of course you were talking about Harry and me and..."

"He adores you Alice."

"You said that before, darling. I know he does and I adore him. But what I want to talk about is, why do you think that someone couldn't love you like that?...and before you say anything, I've detected that attitude in you before, even when you were a child and teenager."

"For heaven's sake Alice, look at me; who could love a fat lump like me. I was always the ugly duckling, while you...well...you're beautiful."

"Would it surprise you to know that I thought I was unattractive?"

"You...you thought you were unattractive with your looks and figure, how could you possibly..."

"Nevertheless it's true. You say Harry adores me, but it wasn't until I met him at university and he was taking his medical degree and like you I was studying law, that I began to see I wasn't ugly. Harry told me I was beautiful and in so doing made me feel beautiful.

"But you really are beautiful, Alice, you always have been," Anna protested.

"Let's take that to be true for the moment; so why did I feel I was ugly?"

I...I don't know."

"I think I do know, Anna, and the answer isn't very pleasant."

"What?"

"Mother and father."

"Mother and fa...but they're dead so how could...?"

Alice seemed to move away from the subject.

"Why did I study law, and why are you studying it?"

"I suppose I....you...because we wanted to I suppose."

"I don't think so, Anna. Are you really happy studying law?"

"It's okay, and I always expected to be studying and practising it."

"Exactly, but why?"

"I suppose..."

"No, don't suppose darling, I think I know. Mother and father were both lawyers, and we were trying to please them by studying law - we were always trying to please them over something and even after they're dead you're still trying to please them. We both wanted their affection and attention, but we never really got it."

"But they were so..."

"Busy? Were they really so busy? Remember all the times they went off on vacation, dumping us with someone they paid to look after us. They were totally wrapped up in each other and we were just accidents that unfortunately happened; we were a bloody nuisance."

"You're being a bit hard, Alice."

"Am I? I don't think so Anna. Oh, we got all the toys and gadgets they thought we wanted, but how much real affection did they ever give us? Did mother ever hug us; did father ever tell you that you were a pretty girl and he was proud of you? Did he even praise you for the success you had at school?"

"No, he didn't and mother never really..."

"And it was the same with me. As long as they could have their holidays and overseas trips, their fancy cars, the boat, the holiday shack, we never really came into things. At best they sometimes reluctantly let us tag along. Can you remember how it was when they got killed?"

Anna could remember. They had been killed when their parent's latest toy, a small aircraft had crashed. Apart from the tragedy its self what followed was terrible.

Both their parents had earned good incomes, but their desires had exceeded those incomes. There were mortgages, unpaid debts and horrendous credit card amounts overdue.

Anna had been sixteen when the crash occurred and Alice eight years older than her. Alice had virtually taken over Anna as her guardian, and it was she who had to struggle with the debts their parents had left.

Almost everything was sold, and they had moved into a small flat. There was just enough money left over to see the girls' education out if they lived frugally.

"Yes, I remember," Anna said.

"They never made us feel good about ourselves," Alice said. "It was only when Harry came into my life I started to feel really worthwhile."

Anna was both amazed and amused at Alice's words. How was it possible for her to not have known how beautiful she was?

As Anna looked at her now she could see that her features were almost perfectly balanced and her nose was small and straight. Her mouth and chin were wonderfully chiselled and she had that great gift of God, huge brown eyes with natural blonde hair. And when she stood up she saw her figure was as near perfect as it could be even after giving birth to two children.

Alice went on, "I can remember how you were in the past. You had this habit of making derogatory remarks about yourself, and...and I'm sorry if this hurts, but you tried to get people to like you by being at their beck and call, especially that boy Joshua. You were absolutely out of your mind over him, and from the way you've talked about him when you've been visiting us here, I think you still are."

Anna laughed bitterly, "Was it so obvious? Not much point being out of my mind over him now, he's marrying a beauty called Deborah."

"It never was worth your while being struck on him, he wasn't worth it. Of course I haven't seen him since the days you were at high school and he was for ever getting you do his work for him, but he was a selfish brat then and I suspect he's still a self-centred brat. If you'd have married him you'd have been stuck with someone who was like father and mother, totally focused on self."

"His brother David is a bit different...I think," Anna said pensively.

"Ah, yes, the hero who saved you from a fate worse than death; Harry said you'd mentioned him. Look darling, I've got to go and pick up Tessa now, do you want to come with me?"

"Yes...yes I'd love to. Tessa and Ben are never going to want for affection, are they."

"No, Harry and I have got a lot of love we like to share."

* * * * * * * *

It was Anna who picked up the sleeping Ben and sat with him on her lap as they drove to the kindergarten. The children came out, some to waiting parents, others to grandparents or people paid to collect them.

Tessa ran into Alice's arms saying, "I've got a picture for Aunty Anna and the teacher said it's beautiful."

It had to be viewed right then. The body was stick-like but one feature Tessa had almost got right was the hair. It was typical of Anna's tangled mass of brown (not quite the right shade in the picture) hair.

Anna and Alice assured Tessa it really was a lovely picture and Anna said she'd put it up on the wardrobe door in her bedroom.

Anna was starting to feel unaccountably tired, or at least, it seemed unaccountable to her. Telling Alice this when they got back to the house, Alice said that it was probably emotional exhaustion, and that Anna was to go back to bed after lunch for a while.

"But I want to..."

"Never mind what you want darling, you've got to do as you're told for once."

"Aha, still playing big sister, or should I say substitute mummy?" Anna laughed.

Alice saw the humour and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come the heavy with you, but I'm so concerned about you. You know how fond of you Harry and I are, and Tessa adores you and I expect Ben will eventually."

"All right big sister, I'll do as I'm told."

Anna thought she would lay on the bed with a book, but she hadn't got to the end of the first paragraph when the book slipped from her hand and she was asleep.

* * * * * * * *

The following days were peaceful for Anna. Harry got the report on her blood test, and this indicated that everything was fine. He reiterated that her problem was stress based and said again she must stay with them at Point Dolphin for at least two weeks.

She played with the children and she and Alice took them for walks along the beach, and one warm day they all went swimming, and got wolf whistles from young men lounging on the sand. Of course Anna decided that the whistles were for Alice and not her.

On the Friday night of the first week Anna got a surprise; or perhaps shock would better describe it. The telephone often rang and was answered by Harry or Alice.

Frequently it was someone requiring medical attention, and one amusing incident Harry related was about a woman who, having committed adultery; rang at two o'clock in the morning to say she thought she had syphilis. Harry went out to her and found that she had been given an infestation of pubic lice by her adulterous lover.

"Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all," Harry quoted.

That Friday evening the phone rang and Alice answered. It wasn't for Harry or Alice. Alice came into the lounge where Anna was playing a simple children's board game with Tessa. Alice had a suggestive smile on her face when she said, "It's for you, Anna, someone called David Kendal; Joshua's brother I presume."

Anna went to the phone.

"Yes?"

"Er...er..David...er...David Kendal here, I just thought...I'm not disturbing anything am I?"

"How did you get this number?"

"Oh...I...I was so worried about you. I called at your flat like I said I would, and you weren't there. I came back later and then the next day but you still...I thought you might have been taken seriously ill after I left so I rang round all the hospitals but they didn't...well of course they didn't because you're not in hospital are you?"

"No David, so how did you get this number?"

"Oh, well, I was so worried I went to see Josh. He said...er...it doesn't matter what he said, but well...he did say that you sometimes visited your sister at Pont Dolphin and your brother-in-law was the only doctor in the town so...so the rest was easy."

"I see."

"Er...look... I wondered...I'll understand if it's not okay, you...you might not want..."

"What might I not want, David?"

"I thought I'd like to come and see you."

"Ah, it's a long drive."

"Yes, but I won't mind that if it's all right with you."

"Well, if you don't mind the trip you'll be welcome to visit me, and I do have something I want to say to you, and I'd rather say it face to face."

"Oh, is it something nice or nasty?"

"You'll have to come and find out, won't you."

"You sound like Josh and his celebration when he...oh, perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned that."

Anna didn't respond to that and instead asked, "When will you be coming?"

"Oh...er...tomorrow if that's all right."

"Tomorrow!" Anna said with unintended vehemence.

"Oh, isn't that okay, I could make it..."

"No, that'll be fine David," she said more calmly, "what time will you arrive?"

"Ten o'clock be all right?"

"Yes, have you got the address?"

"Yes." David repeated the address and Anna confirmed it to be correct.

Back in the lounge Anna said breathlessly, "He's coming to see me tomorrow."

"He must be keen," Alice said.

"Keen...oh...no, he's just coming because...I don't know why he is coming."

Harry looked up from the medical journal he as reading and said, "Don't you?"

He winked at Alice and buried head once more in the journal.

"I saw that Harry," Anna said. "He's just...just a nice guy who wants to see how I am."

A muffled laugh came from behind the journal and Alice said, "Time for bed Tessa."

"Can Aunty Anna put me to bed and read me a story?"

"Aunty Anna has put you to bed every night this week Tessa and she's not very..."

"I love putting her to bed," Anna interrupted.

"Then kiss daddy goodnight darling and don't make the story too long Anna."

Tessa kissed her mother and father goodnight and toddled off with Anna.

Anna had been reading Oscar Wilde's story "The Happy Prince." She wasn't sure if Tessa really understood it, but that night they finished the story, and with the last words Tessa sighed, "That was a lovely story Aunty Anna. God must have loved the bird and the prince very much."

"Yes he did, darling."

"Does he love me too?"

"Of course he does darling."

"Like mummy and daddy love me and Ben?"

"Yes, something like that."

"And how you love me and Ben?"

"Yes, like that."

Tessa put her arms round Anna's neck and said, "I love you Aunty Anna."

Anna felt the tears coming and kissed Tessa quickly and after tucking her in left the room struggling to hold back the sobs.

She intended to go to her bedroom but Alice came along the passage before she got there and asked, "Was she any trouble?"

"No...no...oh Alice...Alice..."

The tears came and with them heart rending sobs. The simple words of love from a child had broken through all her long shored up defences.

"What is it my love, what is it? Come along, let's go into the lounge and you can tell me."

Blinded by tears Anna allowed herself to be led into the lounge and into an armchair.

Harry looked up and seemed about to say something, but Alice looked at him and shook her head.

"Now tell me what it is...what's upset you."

"She...she said she loves me."

"Well of course she does, didn't you know that, we all do, but when a child says it to you it's the sincerest of all loves."

"But why...why does she...why do you love me when no one else does?"

"Because we know you, know what you're really like. We know you in a way that you won't let anyone else know you."

"Poor self-image," Harry muttered.

Alice looked across at him frowning.

"Darling, a young man is coming to see you tomorrow; you don't think he's coming all this way just to find out if you've recovered from a drinking binge, do you?"

"Yes...no...yes...I don't know," wailed Anna.

"Then tomorrow for God's sake don't start telling him how ugly you are," Harry said, "because he won't believe you."

"Harry's right darling, you've got to stop disparaging yourself; you've got so much to offer."

"Joshua didn't want it," Anna moaned.

"No, well, that's his loss isn't it; and he did want something from you, your brain. It seems his brother is a bit more perceptive. Now don't you think you should go to bed early and be nice and fresh when he comes tomorrow?"

Anna clung to Alice for a bit longer and then said, "I don't know why you put up with me."

"You know the answer to that," Harry said, "and besides, we need someone to put Tessa to bed and read her stories -- only joking," he added hastily.

Alice accompanied Anna to her room and tucked her up in bed as if she was a child.

"Do you want Harry to give you some more of those sleeping pills?"

"No, I'd rather manage without," Anna replied.

Alice kissed her and then left.

Anna laid awake for a long time thinking about all that had happened to her; what Alice had said about their parents; Joshua whom she still saw as her great love and David's forthcoming visit and what she now felt to be her uncertain future. When she slept she dreamt again of standing at the end of the world and was about to fall off.

* * * * * * * *

The day dawned fine and promised to stay fine. The headaches and buzzing sounds in Anna's head had diminished during the week, but now they were back again

At breakfast she said she didn't want to face David and tried to get Harry to agree to tell him that she was too unwell to see anyone.

Harry, understanding what was going on inside Anna, refused to say any such thing.

Alice said, "Darling, he's coming all this way to see you and you've told him it was all right, you can't just turn him away like that. At least see him, and then you can explain that...oh I don't know...just tell him how grateful you are that he helped you when you needed help."

"Yes, that's all I need to say, isn't it?"

"If you don't know what..." Harry started to say, but Alice frowned him into silence.

"Just be nice to him, darling, don't make his trip seem worthless."

"But Josh..."

"Face it darling, Josh is history; he always was, and as far as I'm concerned, thank God for that. That exploitive devil was never worthy of you."

"But I..."

"Yes we know, you loved him. The only thing that worries me about that is your poor taste. He used you, like a lot of other people used you."

When you are looking forward to something like a child longing for Christmas to arrive, the time always seems to drag. When it's something you're dreading, like the dentist, time seems to fly.

The latter applied to Anna that Saturday morning. 10 o'clock came with a rush. David did not arrive. Anna, who prior to the hour had started to tremble, began to relax, telling herself that David had changed his mind and was not coming.

10-30 and still David had not turned up, and then, just when Anna had decided he definitely wasn't coming, his car pulled up outside the house.

The headache began to throb more violently and the noises in her head were worse.

When Alice met David at the door he was all embarrassment and apologies which he was still making when he came to Anna in the lounge.

"Sorry...really sorry...they had road works for several kilometres; traffic down to one lane and a speed limit of twenty five; I thought I'd never get here. How are...how have you been? I've been worried about you, I thought..."

Alice, feeling she ought to intervene said, "Anna has been very unwell and she's staying with us for a couple of weeks. I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself properly. I'm Alice, Anna's sister.

They shook hands and this was followed by an awkward silence. Anna had still said nothing and was looking very pale. Alice asked, "Can I get you a cup of coffee or tea, David. You've had a long drive."

"Er...yes...that would be nice, thanks."

"Tea or coffee."

"I...er...tea thanks."

Alice left them and Anna spoke at last.

"Sit down David."

"Yes...thanks. So you've been unwell."

"Yes."

Her next words came out in a rush.

"I didn't thank you for looking after me that night and I want you to know that I'm really grateful. God knows what might have happened to me if you hadn't been around."

"Oh, I'm sure..."

"No David, a lot of people...men... wouldn't have bothered the state I was in. And I have to thank you for behaving like a gentleman...oh God that sounds so Victorian...but you know what I mean."

"Yes." He grinned ruefully. "It wasn't very gentlemanly going to sleep in your bed with you there."