I hate Mondays. I pulled myself out of bed. I could smell the coffee I had set the machine to make for me at 6:30am. I drank a cup, popped a piece of bread in the toaster, and made myself two scrambled eggs.
I couldn't face eating anything so early, so I did my toilette (as the French would say) in the bathroom. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, checked my hair and decided to brush it, and then applied my make up.
I looked longingly at the vibrator, but I had to get to work. I ate breakfast, got dressed, and walked to the subway for the long ride through most of Queens, into Manhattan, and to my job.
Monday was taking revenge: There was a note from my boss to see him once I arrived. I was early, large coffee still in hand from the Starbucks on the ground floor of our building, and I went to his office with my coffee in hand. I stopped just short of his office, thought better of it, and went back down to Starbucks and got another coffee prepared the way my boss likes it.
We had had a brief affair, lasting several months, so I knew everything he liked. I mean that I knew absolutely everything; from his choice of coffee to what times of day he likes to have sex. I knew his favorite positions and the sex games he likes to play. The man has no more mysteries for me. Fortunately, the affair was over.
I entered his office with my two coffees. I offered him one. He greeted me with a big smile and a thank you. After I ended the affair, he no longer took me for granted. He still looked at me however with lascivious longing. Men always want what they cannot have. He had a new man with him.
"Mary, this is our new tech wizard, Samuel. Could you be so kind as to show him around the place today? Maybe take him to dinner?" my boss said. The way he raised his eyebrows I knew he was asking me to have sex with the visitor, too. He always thought if all the women laid the new men, they (the men) would be happy. Pity he'll never know. We are not about to do anything remotely close to that. I think I speak for all of us five women when I say that. Our boss is a pig.
But he did practice what he preached. My boss has slept with all five women employees of the firm. He succeeded in getting all of us into bed, one at a time of course, and not because he is irresistible. No, it is because he is highly adept at using his power over us to seduce us.
Maybe even he is happy with his conquests. If you ask me, they are empty conquests. I know, I know: Nobody asked me. Well, this time, and once again, his plan was doomed. I was not prostituting myself and sleeping with the new guy for the good of the goddam firm! The new guy would have to find pussy on his own.
I checked him out. He would have no problems finding a willing woman: He was a hunk. Sarah in the back office would love to take him on, I'm sure. But you have to follow orders from your boss. So, I smiled sweetly and led him around the offices. We are on three floors of a midtown office building: Floors 21 to 23. I introduced him to everyone.
I showed him how the tech unit worked and brought him up to speed on the little peccadilloes of our system. I told him who the super impatient people were; those you had to get to right away. Most of the others were people who were grateful for the help, and those people were the ones I liked.
I invited him to dinner that evening. I don't like restaurants since I am on a low salt diet, so I always eat at home. I therefore invited him over to my home for dinner. At dinner, I learned that he was bat shit crazy.
He asked me if I were a depressive. In fact I am, but I thought I hid it well. "Have you contemplated suicide?" he asked. Bear in mind I only met him that same morning. I contemplated suicide almost every day, but how the hell did he know?And why did he think it was appropriate to ask me such an intimate question?
"The reason I ask," Samuel said, "is that I have a proposition for you. Would you like to hear it?"
I was thinking how could I get this creep out of my apartment? Why hadn't we gone to a restaurant? Then I could have faked an emergency to get the fuck away from him! I decided I should humor him. He did, after all, seem harmless.
"I can give you extreme happiness. It is transient, but it is a bliss no human has ever experienced before. The downside is that it could soon kill you," Samuel said.
"That seems a high price to pay for some transient happiness," I said. My sarcasm was lost on him. You had to be there; when a strange man in one's apartment wants to propose something that might kill you, a normal woman would be alarmed, shall we say. Am I right?
But I was not alarmed. Samuel seemed harmless in the extreme. He was happy, and he wanted to share some of his happiness. Too bad it's fatal.
"Since you are suicidal and have considered suicide five times in the last month, I thought you of all people might appreciate my offer," he said.
I thought back. My depression, I'm told, is chemical: There is something wrong with the chemistry in my brain. Serotonin uptake meds don't help. Nothing helps. And when it gets bad, I lose all hope. Suicide seems like a good option at those times.
But how the fuck did he know about the five times I thought seriously about killing myself within the last month? I was direct: "How the fuck do you know that, Samuel? Are you spying on me? Are you a stalker?" I began to look around for hidden cameras and the like.
"No, sweet Mary. It's nothing like that. It's just that I have special powers. We all do on the planet humans know as Kepler 62f. I must say, you give some strange names to planets," Samuel said.
Bat shit crazy. For sure. How do I get rid of him?
"Well, Samuel, I am not suicidal any more, and I think I would like to be alone now. See you tomorrow at work?" and I got up and began walking to the door, in order to usher him out.
"Oh," Samuel said. Suddenly he looked sad. "Your boss told me he thought we could probably have sex tonight."
Jesus H. Christ! I thought. That fucking pig, telling poor Samuel that.
"He didn't actually say that, of course," Samuel continued. "I read his mind. I can do that, you know. That's how I know about you and suicide."
I need another description other than bat shit crazy. Loony tunes? No, he was worse than loony.
"What does loony mean, please?" Samuel said, now totally freaking me out. Seeing that, apparently, Samuel continued, "I'm sorry, I was reading your mind."
"Then you can tell you are freaking me out, and I want you please to leave now!" I said to Samuel. I was losing it.
"I can do better than your vibrator, you know. I know you cannot wait to get to it. Much better. You will have an orgasm better than any previous human. Ever," he said.
"Is that so?" I decided to stick with bat shit crazy.
"Yes, quite so. But if we have sex, you may go crazy with pleasure and lose your sanity. It's happened before, but not often. I'd say it's a 5% chance."
I looked at him as if he were a traffic accident happening in my living room. "The real danger is that you get pregnant, Samuel continued. "Giving birth will, sadly, end your life. But your child will be magnificent and save the world." Samuel paused. "There's a 40% chance you will get pregnant, and that is why I chose you. You are suicidal anyway."
"No offense, Samuel, but you are crazy. If you like, I can you arrange for you an appointment with my therapist?"
"Is your therapist a depressive, too?" he asked.
"All therapists are depressives. They chose a career where they sit and listen to other people's problems all day. Who would want to do that other than a depressive?" I said.
"Then I should like to meet her, yes. Maybe I can make her pregnant, too," Samuel said.
I laughed. "Samuel, I am on birth control. I can't get pregnant. My therapist is around 60 years old and she is postmenopausal. You can't get her pregnant, either."
"It doesn't work like that. I don't need a fertile egg. I need only a womb. Yours is close to perfect for our child," he said.
Totally, completely bat shit crazy. But you know, this is the most original pick up line I have ever heard, or even imagined. If I agreed to have sex with him, he would leave, after giving me pleasure no human has ever before experienced. Right. Sure.
"Let me show you. May I give you a kiss?" Samuel asked.
"Sorry, Samuel, I don't kiss on the first date if the man is completely bonkers. You understand, I'm sure," I said.
"I understand," he said, "even if you don't. How about if I touch you with my finger?"
I shrugged. I held out my hand.
He said, "It's more effective if you're naked. It's more powerful if I touch what is known as 'your private parts.'"
"Well, that's not going to happen," I said, with a lot of coldness in my voice. This was getting weird, but then why shouldn't it if I am talking to a crazy man?
Samuel reached out, slowly, towards my proffered hand. Our hands touched. I felt waves of extraordinary pleasure course through my entire body. It was as if I took some drug or something. I was ecstatic. I suddenly saw clearly how depressed I had always been. I was happy. I was alive. I was ecstatic beyond reason.
I came down slowly from my high as he withdrew his hand. "Samuel, that was amazing," I said when I could speak again. "How did you do that? How??"
"It's a Planet Kepler62f kind of thing. It makes intimacy frequent."
"I'll bet it does!" I said. "And you say it's better if I'm naked?"
"Oh yes," he said. "It's much better. There's no comparison. And the absolute best is when we have sex."
I giggled. "Samuel, I don't know how you're doing the things you do, but anyone who gives me that much pleasure, and God, it was wonderful. You...yes, you simply deserve to see me naked. Sure." I took all my clothes off. I even tried to do it in a sexy manner. I did a little strip tease, and even squatted at the end so that he could see all of my pussy. When I finished, I giggled. I was still high from when our hands touched.
"My God, Mary, you are the prettiest human female I have yet had the pleasure to gaze upon," Samuel said.
"And I have these," I said, and I jiggled my boobs. I was on a pleasure high. I never thought I could ever be even remotely this happy. My boobs are a little on the large end of the spectrum, and most men cannot wait to see them, fondle them, and even titty fuck them. My boss had been a particular aficionado, during our former affair.
"Yes, you do." Samuel said. His hands were behind his back. "I would really love to have sex with you."
I was tempted. I was. Truth be told, most men find it fairly easy to get me into bed. They have to make a good faith effort, and spend some money on me. Usually, that's all it takes.
Because of that I try not to put myself into compromising situations. For example, I would not take all my clothes off for a man I just met the same morning. Normally. But Mr. Bat Shit Crazy, citizen of Planet Kepler 62f, was not normal.
I knew he was crazy. But I also thought he was harmless. He had just given me superhuman pleasure by holding my hand. What would happen if I listened to him and let him touch my naked body? Let's find out!
"You can touch me. I warn you, though, I cannot imagine more pleasure than I got when you held my hand. What is your thing? Hypnosis?" I asked.
"No, Mary. I'm an alien, from Planet Kepler 62f. That's all. And I am not bat shit crazy, either."
"How do you do that!" I screamed. "How do you read my mind??"
"It's because I'm from Planet --"
"Kepler 62f!" I screamed. "Yes, you have made that clear. Go ahead then, touch me. See if you..."
That was all I said, as he reached out with a finger and touched my left nipple. It was just like what happened with my hand, and I screamed in ecstasy. Before I could recover from the extraordinary high he had just given me, he cupped my entire breast in his hand. His index finger was throbbing and getting large before my eyes.
It was so extraordinary; I lost the ability to think. It was like all the serotonin in Manhattan was giving my brain a firestorm. My last thought was that he was a magician. I collapsed in a heap on the floor, shaking with the throes of something like a nonstop orgasm. Orgasms however, end; this was not ending.
Oh, my God, I could not believe this. Boy, did I hope heaven was like this. This had to be even better than heaven. I just cannot describe it.
Samuel lay me on the floor. He put a hand on my back and one on my ass. He effortlessly picked me up and carried me to my bedroom. He lay me on my back on the bed. I was delirious with pleasure.
"Will you have sex with me? I want to make you pregnant. But I must warn you, if you do get pregnant, you will be ethereally happy until the birth, and then alas you will die. I will hate to lose you, sweet Mary. So far, you are my favorite human woman." Samuel said.
"There have been others before me?" I managed to ask. I was barely capable of speech.
"Oh yes. I have had sex with 41 other human women. They all thought I was crazy, too. You will be number 42. But none of them got pregnant. I have high hopes for you, however. It's because of your beauty. It inspires me. I should be able to do it with you. "
"Do what with me?"
"The closest approximation you humans have is called ejaculation," Samuel said.
I began to giggle. "You won't be the first to ejaculate inside me, either, Samuel. You're not number 42, more like number 12, I should guess. I don't mind fucking you Samuel, given the pleasure you've already given me."
"This will be much more intense. You should brace yourself, sweet woman. You are a small woman, but I think you can handle the pleasure. Also, I should warn you, my analog of the human penis is much larger than that of a human. I suggest you do not look at it."
Yes, he is bat shit crazy I thought. But who the fuck cares, given the way he makes me feel? The idea that I could be afraid of a man's cock is ludicrous. Men love to think their cocks are too big to handle. Well guys, it hasn't happened yet.
Samuel snapped his fingers and he was naked. Okay, that's weird. He's definitely a magician. It had to be trick clothes. I looked down to check out his cock. Holy Mary, Mother of Jesus! His cock was a foot long and growing. It grew to two feet, then three feet, and it was still getting longer when he climbed on top of me.
I was wet and ready, thank goodness, and he slipped the tip of that monster into me. It happened. The hand, the touching of my nipple and the cupping of my boob could not possibly have prepared me for what happened when his cock -- for lack of a better word -- entered me. Nothing on earth could have prepared me.
Maybe on Planet Kepler 62f I could be prepared. Btu back here on earth, this was other worldly. It was beyond belief.
I became delusional with pleasure. I was moaning and groaning, cursing, screaming with joy, shaking, sweating, and seeing colored lights. It was as if I was dropping acid, and on ecstasy, and heroin all at once. No, it was better than that. My God. Then he began to pump. Oh, my God when he pumped in and out of me it was phenomenal. He kept putting more and more of his cock inside me. It somehow went through my cervix, and then my body and vaginal canal magically enlarged to accept it. It went all the way to my womb.
Samuel was grunting and moaning and speaking in tongues. It seemed as if he were praying in the language of Kepler 62f. Whatever it was, it was not English. Nor was it French, German, Spanish, Russian or Chinese. I don't speak all those languages but I know what they sound like when other people speak them. I guess I was hearing Keplerese.
That was the longest thought I was capable of. There was a little lull in the waves of pleasure from unbelievable to simply ecstatic, and then it happened. It had been the lull before the serotonin storm. Samuel reared back and then thrust all the rest of his three-foot-long monster into me in one amazingly forceful push, and I think I briefly passed out from pleasure.
When I came to, he was still ejaculating, or doing whatever men do to women on Kepler. It's a long process, and I was having a continuous orgasm on steroids throughout his ejaculation. I just do not know how else to describe it.
Samuel finally finished, collapsing on top of me. This part was very human. The man cums, and then falls on me, dead to the world. Ejaculation takes its toll on men, I guess. I could feel Samuel's monster slowly shrinking, inside me, and gradually moving out of my womb, and again through my cervix. The pleasure I was feeling, and the oneness with Samuel, was extraordinary. Mind boggling does not do it justice.
When I recovered enough to speak, I asked, "What is your name on Kepler 62f?"
I don't know what he said. He spoke it in his native Keplerese. It sounded kind of like Zorn. "Can I call you Zorn, then?"
"Very good sweet Mary." He was silent for a while. Then he said, "To use your terms, you are the best fuck I have had on earth. I love you, sweet Mary."
"Maybe we can do this again? Human men like to fuck me twice in one evening, or even three times, you know," I suggested hopefully.
"No, it's April 1 now. I should go," he said.
"No, Zorn. It's Monday evening, March 27. We can have a lot of sex between now and April 1," I said.
"I'm sorry, Mary, I should have told you. Keplerian sex takes a long time. We have been fucking for five days. Most of that time you were delirious and delusional. That's normal for a human woman, given how much pleasure she receives."
"But no worries, Mary. We can fuck again; I have not yet made you pregnant. Now I should go." Zorn snapped his fingers and he was dressed again. I walked him to the door. I was still naked.
"You know Zorn, we have fucked for five days, but we still have not kissed," I said.
"Oh, may I kiss you? You said I could not," he replied.
"That was five days ago, and before we fucked. Fucking trumps kissing. Once you fuck a girl, you can do anything else, too. It's okay.," I said.
"Anything?" Zorn asked.
"Yes, anything," I said. "I am yours, to do with as you please It turns me on to submit to a man like you."
"Next time," Zorn said. "Kissing takes time, and you must be hungry, since you have not eaten in five days." Suddenly I realized I was famished. I was weak with hunger.
Zorn left, and I stood there naked, very happy, and very confused. I called my best friend Susie. I asked her to meet me for Saturday brunch. I told her the whole story of Zorn, and the amazing sex, and the danger of getting pregnant, and....
I looked at Susie as I ate like a starving child. Suddenly I realized I sounded as if I were bat shit crazy, rambling on about my lover Zorn from Kepler 62f with his 3-foot-long cock and the ability to give superhuman pleasure to a girl.
I covered my ass by saying, "Happy April Fool's Day, Susie." I saw Susie visibly relax. Then I called the waiter and asked for another round of eggs benedict, pancakes, bacon, and sausage. And another waffle of course. And more maple syrup. Susie sipped her coffee.
I never saw Zorn again, but I got a text message from him. "You are right, Sweet Mary. Your therapist is depressed. Guess what? I managed to make her pregnant! Now I am done and returning to Kepler 62f, but I shall remember you always. You are the best lay on Planet Earth."
I showed the text to Susie. "That April Fool's joke only works once, Mary," she said. I smiled. I hoped fondly that Zorn would decide to return to earth. Maybe if he has a boy, he'll return for the bris of his son? If he does, I'll welcome him with open legs! Are there Jews on Kepler 62f?