The Way Things Used to Be

I have always been a person to love first, then hate later. This has led me to make some pretty stupid decisions in my life. My biggest mistake was Dustin. At first he was nice and considerate to me, and then everything changed. I have only met him once, but once is enough to change your life forever.

When I met him for the first time, we went back to his apartment. When we got to his apartment, he didn't waste any time getting into my pants. He took off almost all of my clothes, and then he "told" me to undress him. The way he said it, made it sounded more like an order. I didn't want to, but when a person is sitting on a couch that is low down to the floor and a person who is almost 6 foot tall is standing over you and telling you to do something... he scared me into doing what he asked. After I had taken his clothes off, he grabbed my ponytail, sending searing pain through my head, and as I cried out, he stuffed his dick into my mouth. I couldn't breathe, I tried to push him away, so I could get just a little bit of air, but he was to strong and kept pumping into my mouth, and I was getting more lightheaded as time passed. I was preparing to bite him then and face the consequences, when he came down my throat. His cum tasted like straight salt, I swallowed it so as to keep from choking on it. He pulled his cock out of my mouth, and then he shoved me back onto the couch. He ordered me to get on my hands and knees on the carpet. I was too scared to tell him no. When I was on the floor he knelt down behind me, and without even checking to see if I was ready, he shoved his cock into me. When he ripped into me I thought I was going to die, It hurt that much. I wanted a way to escape from the pain that I was in.

When he started to thrust into me, I finally found my voice. "Please don't. Stop. Please don't. Please stop." He didn't stop though, this seemed to spur him on, and he started to thrust into me spasmodically. "I'm going to cum!" he grunted out from behind me.

"Please don't cum inside me; I'm not on the pill. I don't want to get pregnant!" I panted.

This seemed to sober him up he pulled out of me, and rammed his dick into my ass. It hurt like hell. I swore that he was ripping me in two. He pulled out of me and I collapsed onto my back, onto the floor of his apartment. He sprayed his cum all over my body, and then collapsed on top of me pinning me beneath him. I lay there feeling like a whore. 'You deserve this. You were asking for it' I told myself over and over again, as I lay there covered in his cum.

He eventually got off of me and threw a towel at me. "Clean yourself up, you look like a whore" he said confirming to me what I had told myself not 10 minutes earlier. After I cleaned myself off, I curled into a ball on my side, still lying on the floor I came face to face with a huge glass aquarium with a yellow snake, looking straight at me. I am not a snake expert, but I think it was a python.

I let out a startled squeak, and flinched backwards causing my lower half to cry out in pain, making me wince and cry out myself. Dustin immediately rushed into the room to see what was wrong. "I see you've met my friend" he said sarcastically, smiling like a pig.

My fright was quickly fueled into anger, it became an uncontrollable force. Getting to my feet, ignoring the pained twitch in my lower body I asked him a simple question "Why?" I asked. "Why didn't you stop? I asked you to stop. You said you would stop if I asked you. You lied! You are no better than the other men that I've dated, except they didn't rape me, you did. You just raped me, do you understand that?"

I guess after that little outburst, I had used all of my energy, because I slowly sank to the floor, and lay down on my side and curled into as tight a ball as I could manage in my pained state. He sank down beside me, a look of shock on his face. "I thought you wanted this, I didn't think you wanted me to stop, even though you said it" he said sounding shocked. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen" he said.

After he said this he lay down behind me, and wiped a tear, which I hadn't noticed was falling, from my cheek. I let him hold and comfort me as I cried; slowly though, I felt my body start to respond to his nearness. You're not supposed to have feelings for your rapist; I guess my body was just reacting to him being near me. I turned my head, and looked into his eyes. He wouldn't meet my eyes. I turned in his arms, and raised my hand to his cheek; this brought his eyes to mine. Ever so slowly I brought my lips to his in a light kiss. After awhile I licked his bottom lip asking for entrance into his mouth, which he granted. I slowly ran my tongue alongside his, which dragged a deep groan from inside his chest. I could feel that groan rumble underneath my finger tips, which were traveling down his chest. My hands traveled up and down his chest and stomach, though never going below his waist. I dragged my fingernails down his chest, scratching over his nipples; this made his breath hiss out from between his teeth. I felt a thrill go through me that he was taking pleasure from what I was doing.

I could feel him holding back the desire to touch me. I ran my hands up to his shoulders, then down his arms to his hands, which I grabbed and placed gently on my hips. I could feel his fingers mold themselves to my hips. Slowly he moved his hands up my body, only stopping when his hands were on either side of my face, gently forcing me to stop kissing him. "Why are you doing this?" he asked.

"I don't know." I answered truthfully. That was the only answer that I could give him. He lay down on his back and we slowly had sex again. This time I was in control.

I can never reconcile with myself with what I did, or with what happened. When I talk to people about it I get flashbacks when I go to bed. I try not to go to sleep but eventually, I get too tired and I have to go to sleep. The night mares follow me into my dreams. I try to get by every day, pretending to be fine when I know I'm not. I don't think that I'll ever be ok again.

My life is now trying to get better, and trying to get through every day.