The Way You Say My Name Ch. 21

The elevator stopped and the doors opened. “I kinda feel the same way. Ben may not have had any real feelings for me, but I cared about him. That’s gotta count for something.” Ash stepped out of the elevator, leaving Jamie to follow.

The Amory’s rooftop gardens were even more spectacular than Jamie remembered. Pale moonlight and old-fashioned street lamps illuminated a forest of fresh smelling spring greens. How they got grass and small trees to grow on a roof, Jamie wasn’t sure, but the overall effect was amazing. The outer edges of the roof were railed by ornate, wrought-iron fencing, while hidden alcoves and arbors offered privacy and an incredible view of the gardens, themselves. Jamie could see why Ash was so drawn to the place.

Ash steered him towards a rose arbor not far from the northern edge of the roof. Jamie took the bench on the side facing out, giving Ash the side overlooking the gardens. Though a few other people--mostly couples--strolled along the pathways and sidewalks, Ash and Jamie remained partially hidden from view by the climbing rose bushes.

Ash was quiet for a minute, resting his elbows on his knees. Finally, he said, “Thanks for coming up here with me. I guess I needed to clear my head.”

“Are you okay, dude? This is your first school gig since you tried to . . .uh--”

Ash laughed, and there was no bitterness or self-recrimination in the sound. “Since I tried to off myself, you mean? It’s okay, Jamie. You can say it.” Ash sighed. “I’ll never get over what happened, not completely, but I’ve come to terms with it. As far as being here tonight goes, I really thought it would be more awkward than it has been. There probably isn’t a person at that prom who doesn’t know that I tried to kill myself, but everybody’s treated me the same as they always have.” He made a face. “Well, almost everybody.”

“Is somebody hassling you?”

“Nah. Well, not exactly. It’s just . . . you know Chad and I used to be really close, right?”

“Yeah. It was weird to ever see one of you without the other.”

“We were like brothers. At least, I thought we were. Ever since he found out about me and Ben, though, Chad’s treated me like some kind of leper.”

Jamie knew that feeling, knew how much it hurt. “I remember you telling us about how he freaked that day at the hospital. I’d hoped maybe the two of you had patched things up.”

Ash shook his head. “I wish. Every time I try to talk to him, he pushes me away. Even tonight, when Megan and I first got here, I tried to say hi. That’s it. Just hi. He looked at me like I had something hanging out of my nose, grabbed his date, and walked away.”

“Ouch. Sorry man.” Jamie fidgeted with one of his shirt buttons. “The thing is, Ash, I never could understand what you saw in the guy. He’s always seemed a little, I dunno, weird.”

Jamie was afraid he’d pissed Ash off with his statement about Chad, but Ash just shrugged. “My dad always said Chad was using me because we have money and he and his folks don’t, but I never felt that way. He was my friend, and I didn’t give a rat’s ass what he did or didn’t have.” His face fell. “That’s all over with now.” Straightening, he said, “Enough of this self-pity shit. We came up here to remember Ben. Let’s get on with it.”

Jamie laughed. “You make it sound like we’re having a wake for him or something. All we need now is some good whiskey and some sad music.”

Ash winced. “Don’t even mention whiskey. I drank so much of my dad’s bourbon the night of Ben’s memorial, I can still taste the stuff.” He shuddered. “I don’t know what I thought I was doing at the church that night.”

“Saying goodbye to the man you loved?”

“Maybe. It was more than that, I think. It’s like I couldn’t stay away, you know? Like I had to be there.”

“You lied! You said your dad made you go to Lewis’s memorial. All this time, you wanted to be there. God, I’m so stupid.”

The anger in Chad Minton’s voice startled Jamie. He turned his head to see Chad standing behind them, his jaw clenched, his feet spread apart like he was gearing for a fight. Unless Jamie was wrong, he’d been hiding behind an overgrown part of the arbor, listening.

If Jamie was startled, Ash was in total shock. “Jesus, Chad. You scared the hell out of me. Were you . . . were you spying on us, man?”

Chad kept talking as if he hadn’t heard the question. “All that talk about your father making you go to Lewis’s service was just another one of your lies.”

Ash blinked. “I was hurting, Chad. I needed to find a way to be close to Ben, to say goodbye, but I wasn’t ready to talk about my relationship with him. Making up that excuse about my dad forcing me to go to the church seemed like a plan at the time.” He frowned and then stood. “What do you mean, ‘just another one of my lies.’ You and me, we were tight. I never lied to you.”

“Oh no, Ash. You didn’t lie. You just went out every weekend with me, fucking girls and pretending like you weren’t a total fag. What in the hell do you call that, if it isn’t lying?”

Ash was shaking. Jamie stood as well, flanking Ash’s left side, ready to back him if needed. In spite of the shaking, though, Ash was holding his own.

“Like I tried to tell you at the hospital, I’m bisexual. Just in case that word is too big for you, I’ll break it down. I’m into girls and guys, not that it’s any of you business. So what if I didn’t take out a full-page-add in The Reed Daily Courier telling the whole world I swing both ways? Doesn’t mean I lied about it. Judging from your reaction, it’s a good thing I didn’t tell you. You only would have hated me sooner.”

Chad’s head whipped back like he’d been punched. “Hate you? Are you serious?” He slipped two fingers between his neck and collar, pulling hard. Wrenching his hand free, he said, “I worshipped the ground you walked on. You were my hero. I’d have done anything to protect you. I wanted to be you, dammit.”

“I’m no hero, yours or anyone else’s.” Ash turned his head. “Come on, Jamie. Let’s get out of here. I don’t feel like talking, anymore.”

As they walked past, Chad grabbed Ash’s arm, spinning them both so that Ash was facing Chad and the railing beyond. “You may not feel like talking, but you’re damned well gonna listen to me. You owe me that much.”

A dull red flush crept up Ash’s face. “I don’t owe you shit.”

“The hell you don’t. What about all those nights you blew me off so you could sneak down to that old foreman’s house and fuck Lewis’s brains out? Me, the guy who would do anything for you. Anything. And you just tossed me aside like I was nothing.”

Jamie’s head started to spin. “How did you know about the foreman’s house?”

Chad’s eyes whirled to Jamie like he’d only just realized Jamie was there. “What the hell are you talking about, Walker? And where’s your boyfriend? What’s a matter, got tired of Carver so you thought you’d give Ash a try?”

Jamie refused to take the bait. “How did you know that Ben and Ash used to meet down there?”

For a minute, Chad froze. Then his eyes narrowed on Ash. “You’d be surprised what I know.”

“Only a handful of people know that Ben and I used to meet there, and not a single one of them would have talked to you about it. There’s no way you could have known, unless. . .” Ash trailed off as his eyes fastened to the spot behind the arbor where Chad had been hiding. “Oh, God. You followed me out there.” The fury in his voice was frightening. “What did you do, Chad? Watch us through the windows? Did you get your rocks off, you sick son-of-a-bitch?”

“What, you think I liked watching that? God, Ash, don’t you see? I was trying to protect you. I knew there was no way you’d have willingly fucked around with a lowlife like Lewis. I knew he must have had some kind of hold over you. I was trying to figure out what that hold was so I could break it. The dirty bastard was using you, can’t you see that?”

Jamie took a step towards Chad. “Watch you mouth, Minton. No way in hell am I gonna let you stand there and insult Ben like that.”

“How can you defend him, Walker? You and Carver act like you care so much about Ash. Well, where the hell were you when Lewis was jacking Ash’s dad up for twenty-thousand dollars hush money?”

Jamie’s blood turned to ice, but it was Ash who spoke. “How did you know about that?”

Chad tried to back up, but there was no where for him to go. He was almost against the railing as it was. Ash grabbed the lapels of Chad’s jacket. “Answer me, dammit! How did you know about the blackmail?” By then, a small crowd of prom-goers and hotel guests had gathered to watch the show, but Ash didn’t seem to care. His entire being was focused on getting the answers out of Chad, one way or another.

Chad seemed oblivious to the onlookers, as well. He shrank back as much as he could within Ash’s grasp, but he wasn’t giving up on the devoted friend routine. “Weren’t you listening to me? You were my best friend. It was my job to protect you. Your father sure as hell didn’t.”

Ash let go of Chad’s coat and stepped back, closing his eyes. “My father. That’s it. You were spying on him too, weren’t you? What did you do, go through his things?”

Chad took a step towards Ash. “You make it sound like I’m some kind of thieving sneak.”

Jamie said, “You mean you aren’t?”

“No!” Chad waited until Ash opened his eyes again and said, “Look, Ash, the day after I found you and Lewis together at the old mill, I went to see your father down at his office. I thought if he knew what was going on, he might be able to stop it, to help you.” He snorted. “Lot of good that did me. Your old man already knew you and Lewis were sleeping together. Told me it was your life and you had to live it as you saw fit, or something like that.” He curled his lip. “The bastard made it sound like you were in a relationship with Lewis, that you wanted it that way. But I knew better. I knew you’d never fag out on me, not for real. I could also tell by the way your dad was putting me off that he was hiding something. So, I did what I had to do.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

Chad hedged. “I’ll tell you, but only because, once I explain it, you’ll see what a good friend I am. Then we can go back to the way we were.”

“For God’s sake, just tell me what you did.”

“I. . .I figured your dad wouldn’t keep anything personal at his office, so I went through his study until I found what I was looking for. He’s never home, so it wasn’t like I had to worry about him catching me.”

“You raided our house? When?”

Chad swallowed, but he was determined to prove himself. “Saturday, the day after the dance. Remember, I came over, and you were all upset, but you wouldn’t tell me why?”

Ash squeezed his hands into tight fists. “Ben had broken up with me. I’d been up all night, drinking and crying in my beer.” Understanding dawned. “You waited until I passed out, then broke into my dad’s files.”

Chad took offense. “It isn’t like I had to pick the locks or jimmy the hinges, Ash. The combination to your father’s filing cabinet is the same as your birthday. I figured that out years ago. I thought sure he knew something, something he wasn’t telling me. Turns out I was right.”

Ash was speechless, but Jamie wasn’t. “You found the pictures, didn’t you?”

“That, and a whole lot more. Mr. Barnes had a whole file on Lewis, including his demands for money and the actual payoffs that were made. It was clear that Mr. Barnes wasn’t going to do anything. It was up to me to fix things.”

That’s when Jamie knew. “You killed him. You killed Ben.”

That snapped Ash out of his trance. He looked at Chad like he was a stranger. Chad saw it, too. He panicked.

“No, no, I didn’t! He was hit by that drunk, remember? Everyone knows that.”

Ash’s voice came out in a broken rasp. “You’re lying. You killed him, then drug him out into the middle of the road and left him there.”

“It wasn’t like that.” Chad had tears in his eyes. “I only wanted to talk to him, to convince him to leave you alone, stop blackmailing you. I went to Nora Slater’s house late that night, after I knew Nora would be asleep. I just wanted to see if I could reason with Lewis. But he was leaving just as I got there.”

Jamie tried his best to keep his tone even. “So you followed Ben just like you followed Ash?”

“Yes. No.” He was getting frustrated. “You’re twisting it. I followed him yes, but only because I thought he was going to meet Ash. Then, when he turned onto Tully Road instead of taking the road out to the Mill, I knew something else was going on. I thought maybe he was banging someone else.”

“And you wanted to find out who so you could run back and tell Ash. How’d you tail him without getting caught?”

Even as desperate as he was, Chad seemed almost proud of himself. “It wasn’t hard. Tully Road is full of hills and side roads. The roads were clear, so I could see that flashy car of his even from a half-mile up. I watched him pull over onto the shoulder, and then I turned off on a dirt road a good distance away. Lewis probably thought I was just some drunk heading home. Anyway, I got out and walked the rest of the way up to where Lewis was parked, keeping myself hidden by walking in the tree line. I saw Lewis talking to Dan Morgan, saw him open the trunk of his car and hand something to the guy, but I wasn’t sure what it was. Morgan left first, but Ben was still fooling around with whatever was in the trunk when I popped out of the trees and confronted him.”

Ash had gone from purple to green. Jamie could tell he was feeling sick, but he managed to keep Chad talking, anyway. “You fought with him.”

Chad was so keyed up, so intent on getting through to Ash, he didn’t seem to notice he was confessing to a roof full of witnesses. “Yeah. I didn’t set out to, but the guy made me so mad. The things he said. You have no idea, Ash. I told Lewis to keep away from you, asked him to give me the pictures and leave you alone. That’s when he told me to go to hell. And then he said . . . he said . . .”

“He said what, Chad? What did Ben say that made you kill him?”

“Shut up, Walker. I told you, it wasn’t like that.” He cast pleading eyes on his former best friend. “Lewis was using you Ash--hurting you--and the asshole had the nerve to try and turn it around on me. He called me a sponge, said I only hung around you to make myself look better. Lewis said without you, I was nothing. Claimed you made me what I am, that I would be a nobody as far as the rest of the school was concerned if you turned your back on me. Then he said he was going to talk to you, Ash, tell you that I was a spy, a sneak. He said by the time he was through, you’d never speak to me again. It would have been over between us.”

And with those words, Ben had hit on Chad’s worst fears. Chad, who came from nothing and had nothing to look forward to in his life, counted on Ash, the golden boy, to keep him afloat, to define him. Ben was the one person standing between Chad and the center of his universe. For that alone, Ben had been given a death sentence. Jamie took a deep breath. “You grabbed the jack handle out of Ben’s trunk and hit him with it.”

Chad’s eyes were wild, darting back and forth between Jamie and Ash in a crazed frenzy. “I had to stop him. I wasn’t trying to kill him. I only wanted to make him go away. To leave us alone. I picked up the jack handle, but only to threaten him with. But Lewis freaked, and he rushed me. I swung without thinking about it, and knocked him over the head.” Chad’s tears started to fall. “But he kept coming at me, kept trying to fight back. And I kept hitting, over and over, until he wasn’t moving, anymore.”


Ash sank to his knees and started to retch. Jamie wanted to go to him, but he couldn’t. He had to finish it. “So you dragged Ben’s body out into the middle of the road, and then slashed his tire to make it look like he’d been changing a flat.”

Chad put his head down and nodded. “I started to throw his jack handle back into the trunk, but there was blood all over it. I had just enough time to run back to my car and switch Lewis’s handle with mine before that drunk guy came barreling down the road. He made it so easy, didn’t even try to stop. He hit Lewis and then took off in one direction while I ran back to my car and took off in the other.”

Ash looked up from where he was kneeling on the grass. “You left him there like a piece of road kill.”

Chad was full-on sobbing. “I thought that would fix it. With Lewis gone, you and me, we should have been okay. But you were different. You acted like you missed the bastard. I took hope from the fact that you said your father was making you go to that stupid memorial service, but, deep down, I knew it was a lie. You wanted Lewis more than you wanted anything or anyone, even me. You wanted him enough to die for him, with him. I was so damn scared when I heard you’d tried to kill yourself. I rushed to the hospital, only to hear you say you were bisexual. That’s when I knew for sure. No matter what Lewis had done to you, you were in love with the guy I’d killed him for nothing.” Chad struggled for breath and swiped at the tears rolling down his face. “I thought if I got away from you, pretended I was mad about you being a fag, that the distance between us would make you see how much you needed me, how important I am to your life.” His anguish rose. “But you went on without me, damn you. You picked up the pieces of your life and came out better for it. You came out on top, and I’m right where I started. At the bottom.” He moved back so that he was gripping one of the iron pickets on top of the guard rail. “You have it all, and I got nothing left.”

In that instant, Jamie knew that there would be no trial for Chad Minton, no day of reckoning in front of a jury of his peers. Even before Chad took the three steps needed to climb over the top of the railing, Jamie could see it. Chad Minton had come full circle. For one shining moment, he’d been in the sun, catching the rays Ash had shed his way. From bottom to top was one thing, but going back again wasn’t an option. Jamie reached out his hand to grab Chad, to stop him from going down the one road from which he could never come back. He caught a handful of Chad’s coat, the fabric making an even rip as Chad freed himself from the last of his bonds.

(TO BE CONTINUED)