The Wisdom of Solomon

"When we got home my parents came to stay. They said that they were worried that either Tony or I would do or say something that we would regret. We hardly spoke for days. I was a nervous wreck the whole time. Tony spent most of the time at home in the den.

"We got the call from our doctor saying all of the tests were done and we could come down and hear what he had to say. Tony didn't say anything to me; he just got in the car and started off without me. I was so mad right then that I ran out in the street and stood in front of the car. I wouldn't move until he let me in. We drove to the hospital in absolute silence. Once there the doctor told us the news. Both Brian and Bria were perfectly healthy. The bad news came when he said that Tony was Brian's father and someone else was Bria's. I went into some kind of a trance. I couldn't hear anything. I saw the doctor fading in and out of focus and everything was in slow motion. Before I knew it I was on my feet yelling and screaming at him calling him a liar and a lot of ugly names. Then I ran out. I ran out of the hospital and across the street to a little park. I fell down and cried. A woman came over to me and asked if I was okay. I screamed at her too and ran over behind a school. I sat down in a swing and cried for I don't know how long. Finally, I got up and walked over to a store and called Mrs. Solomon. I could hardly talk. She said she would come get me and a little while later she was standing in front of me with a sad look on her face. She took me home in a taxi and put me to bed. I cried and cried for the rest of the day. When it was dark we started talking and I told her what I had done. She just held my hand and listened. I probably said things to her that I shouldn't have but she never said an unkind word to me. She never judged me. It was dawn before I finally wore out and fell asleep.

"Later that day I awoke to find Tony standing next to the bed. He said he came to get me and take me home. I was still a basket case but I knew I had to face the music sooner or later. I went home and moped around the house for the next few days.

"The real problem is that Tony is getting more and more distant from me. I can't lose him because of what I did. I love him and would be totally lost without him. But Bria is my daughter and I love her too. Tony says he can't live with Bria because she constantly reminds him of my infidelity. Bria being there only pushes him further and further away from me. Pretty soon he may leave and if he did I'd die. It's almost like I'm being asked to choose one over the other: Either Tony stays and Bria goes or Bria stays and Tony goes. I love them both with all my heart and can't lose either one of them. I just can't figure out what to do.

"Tonight, Tony surprised me by bringing me here. Tonight was the first time that we've said more than two words to on another. Tonight was the first time I even looked into his eyes without feeling like dirt. I just hope that what I did doesn't destroy us. I love him more than life itself. I hope that Tony will still love me tomorrow. I don't know, but now I have hope."

Shari sat back and put the tissues to her eyes. The sobs behind her handful of tissues began again. She cried for minutes before the doctor intervened.

"Shari, are you okay now?"

"No I'm not okay. I hurt the man I love. I just want to die."

"I don't think that you really want to die, now do you? Would you like to take a short break before we continue?"

"No, let's go on. I'm not going to feel any better with a break."

"Okay then, Shari, I've got a couple questions for you. Did you feel any different about Tony after the twins were born?"

"No, I feel the same way. I've loved him since the day we met. I loved him yesterday and today and will tomorrow. What I felt was, I don't know, remorse maybe for the way I hurt him. I felt guilty for doing something so stupid that hurt someone I love. I felt guilty for not confessing what I did after I did it. It would have hurt just as much then as it does now, I guess, but maybe Tony wouldn't see me as a liar or a cheat or a monster. I'm afraid my actions were unpardonable."

"Okay, how do you feel about Brian and Bria, especially Bria?"

"How do you expect me to feel? They're my son and daughter, I love them both."

"As much as your husband?"

"Yes, of course."

"Then can you understand, maybe just a little, how Tony feels about Bria? She may be your daughter but she isn't his and he doesn't feel the same way about her that you do."

"Well, maybe a little. I did something terrible, the worst mistake of my life, and she's the result. I love her regardless of what I did. I know right now Tony doesn't but maybe in time he will. He's hurting so much now that it will take some time to get past the pain and see how beautiful she is."

"Is that what you feel or is that what you hope?"

"Both, I guess."

The doctor paused to make a few notes. The room was silent. Only the clock on the wall ticking away made any noise. Tony looked over and caught Shari's eye. They could each see the pain that still existed but what was amazing was that each recognized a glimmer of hope in the other. They held each other's gaze until the doctor started talking again.

"Okay Shari, I want to go back to the beginning. I want you to tell me what happened that made you, as you said, make 'the worst mistake of my life'? Take your time; just say it in your own words."

Shari looked up at Tony again and saw that he was tense and looking down at the floor. She started talking knowing full well that the truth was going to hurt him but she had to say it. The spark of hope was still there, dim as it was, it was still there.

"Tony? I know what I'm about to say is going to hurt you, and us, but I'm going to tell you everything, the absolute truth. I won't leave anything out, I won't lie. I'm sorry babe but this is what happened.

"Doctor, before I met Tony I had a boyfriend named Denzel. Denzel was black. I loved being with him. I told him I loved him but, looking back at it I don't think I loved him the same way I do Tony. I was in love with his passion for life. He was fun and playful and like a big kid. We had a ball together. We were together for almost two years. We did everything a boyfriend and girlfriend did. And I saw those looks that people gave us. It didn't bother me but it did some people. It bothered my parents too. They saw Denzel as different, not up to being with their daughter. They never said the words but their attitude told me how they felt.

"Denzel was in the Army. He had just been promoted to sergeant and said that he wanted to stay in until he retired a general. Then he asked me to marry him. It took me by surprise. He was a lot of fun but I didn't think I felt that way about him. I wasn't sure what to say so I told him I would think about it. I was also worried that our different races would influence my decision. I didn't want to be like my parents. I think I'm more open minded than that. Anyway, I thought and cried and thought some more. Finally I came to a decision and told Denzel that I couldn't marry him. I could see how heartbroken he was. He tried to play the tough Army soldier but I could see I hurt him. We stayed friends but eventually drifted apart.

"When I met Tony I knew immediately that he was the one. He never asked me to marry him we just knew that we were going there. About a year later we were married. We were happy, we bought a house, with a little help from our parents, and we talked about starting a family. Every day I thanked God for leading me to Tony.

"About nine months after we married I got a call from Violet. Violet was Denzel's grandmother. She raised him and his brother since they were little kids. His father died in an accident where he worked and his mother eventually drank herself to death. Violet took the two little boys and raised them as her own. Violet asked if I had heard about Denzel. I hadn't. She told me that he was sent overseas to Iraq and was injured during his second tour of duty. He lost both legs and had other injuries that left him dependant on others. She also said that he was depressed and talked about killing himself. She wanted to know if I could talk to him. He always liked to talk to me and she thought that he would be less depressed and could get past his injuries. I said I would. I didn't even think about telling Tony. I didn't see any harm in just talking. So I went over for a visit. He was not the same man I knew. The doctors put him back together the best they could and he spent almost a year in the hospital rehabilitating. Physically he was a mess. He lost both legs and had severe internal injuries that required the use of a colostomy bag and medications to help process what he ate. He also lost a testicle. There was a long scar on his forehead. He looked awful. We sat and talked and I could hear in his words what his grandmother was worried about. He had lost his will to live. He thought that he was less than a man. He told me to go away and leave him to die but I couldn't do it. I returned every week to visit and talk with him. I tried to be positive and hopeful, and eventually saw a little glimmer of life in him, he was slowly responding to my words of hope.

"After a couple months of weekly visits we took a walk around the block. He hadn't fully gotten accustomed to his prosthetic legs and canes so about half way around he tripped and fell. I immediately tried to help him up but he pushed me away and wobbled around until he was standing again. We finished the walk in silence. When we got home there was a note on the table to both of us. Violet had to go to her church for a little while and would be back in time for supper. We just sat quietly. Then he apologized for yelling at me when he fell. He started crying. I sat beside him and held him. After a few minutes he stopped crying and turned and kissed me. I didn't know what to do. I immediately thought about Tony but I also thought about Denzel. I didn't want to hurt him any more than he already was. I think I felt pity for what happened to him more than anything so I kissed him back. Suddenly he was like the man I knew before the injuries, energetic and full of life. At that moment I couldn't find it in my heart to do anything to hurt him. We ended up making love on the living room sofa. Afterward he told me that his injuries had made him incapable of being a father, he said he was surprised he could even get an erection, he hadn't had one since Iraq. Then he said he loved me. He wanted me to stay with him forever. All I could do was think of Tony. I started crying and saying that I loved my husband and I couldn't do anything to hurt him. But I did. I just made the biggest mistake of my life and now I had to go back to the man I loved and tell him what I had done. I could see that my words hurt him. He apologized for hurting me and said he'd be okay and for me to go home to my husband. He smiled and said he'd see me next week. At that point I wasn't sure if I could return to talk to him any more. My mind was a mess.

"I got home before Tony and cleaned up. I sat in the shower with the water running over me for over an hour crying and feeling guilty for what I had done. When Tony got home I think the guilt took over and I attacked him and made love to him harder and more passionately than I ever had before. Tony was the happiest man in the world. There was a storm of guilt going on in my heart. I almost told him what I did but I couldn't

"Two days later I got a phone call from Violet. She said that Denzel had committed suicide the evening after I left. Violet said she was downstairs and heard the gunshot. I don't know if I even hung up the phone but I went to bed and cried until Tony got home. I told him I wasn't feeling well and he just stayed by my side. I was sad and lonely for a few days. Tony was always there when I needed him. I finally dragged myself out of bed with the goal to tell Tony everything. When he saw me come into the kitchen he put his arms around me and said how much he loved me. He said that no matter what was bothering me it didn't matter to him just so long as I was okay. He held me tenderly and then made dinner. I couldn't say anything and possibly destroy the man I loved so I decided to keep the secret of my mistake buried deep in my mind.

"I locked that damned secret away in my head and made sure to love Tony more and more every day. About three weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I told Tony and we danced all around the house before calling our parents. I was now the happiest woman in the world. That is until the day of the delivery."

The room became silent again. Nobody moved as Dr. Simón took more notes. Shari looked at Tony with his head bowed. She started crying again.

"Shari, I know that was difficult to tell," the counselor said. "I feel that it was an honest expression of what you did and what you felt. But now our time is almost up and I want to end this session on a positive note. Now bear with me for a moment but I want both of you to do something. Tony, Shari, I want you to look at each other. I don't want you to say a word or move at all. All I want you to do is look in each other's eyes. I won't say anything but when I do I want you to do or say whatever I ask. We will end each session this way. It's a way to bring all our emotions back to the center so you don't leave with your emotions high, or low. Now look at each other, please."

Tony looked at Shari and she looked back. They just looked in silence. A tear ran down the side of Shari's face and after a minute one flowed down Tony's.

Almost in a whisper Dr. Simón said, "Now I want you both to put one hand out and touch the hand of the other. No words, just a hand."

Hesitantly Tony reached out and held his hand in the air. Shari slowly raised her hand and touched Tony's. Unconsciously her finger rubbed his wedding band. They stayed like that for a full minute until the doctor reached out and put his hands around both of theirs. They remained that way for another minute then broke.

Their first session was over.

Day 24

Dr. Simón smiled as he opened the door.

"Thank you for meeting with me today Shari."

As Shari got comfortable in her usual spot on the couch Dr. Simón rummaged through a file of notes. When he found the ones he wanted he looked up, smiled, and began.

"You and Tony have been meeting with me for a few weeks now and even though we've made substantial progress in understanding the problem and its roots we haven't made a lot of progress in finding a solution. That's why I've asked to meet with the both of you individually this week. I want to talk to you without having Tony's influence in the conversation and see what you think the future has in store for the two of you. To that end I'm going to ask you three questions and I want you to answer them before you leave here today. I'll ask Tony the same questions and then compare notes. I want to try to find a common ground for the two of you to work toward a solution of your problem. However, I also need to find out if the two of you are so far apart as to make a solution impossible. Either way we're going to start working toward that solution today. How does that sound to you?"

"That sounds great, but I'm a little nervous," Shari said sitting on the edge of the couch. "I'm nervous because deep down inside something tells me that there isn't a solution that would make everyone happy. Whatever happens, someone is going to go away hurt. I just feel it in my bones. It might take a miracle."

Dr. Simón laughed. "Shari, I've seen a lot of miracles in my lifetime so if it takes a miracle to solve your problem then we'll find one. Are you ready?"

"Yes," she said meekly.

"Okay, the first question. Shari, what do you want? I mean with everything: Your life, Tony, your kids, your problem, everything."

Shari sat back on the couch and thought for a bit about the question before sitting forward and speaking. "Dr. Simón, I think what I want is for everybody to be happy. I want Tony to love me and the twins. I want him to talk to me and listen to me and to trust me again. I want to be able to look him in the eye without feeling the pain he's currently feeling. I also want him to hold his son in his arms and to accept that he has a daughter too. I guess what I'm saying is I want us to become a normal, loving, caring, happy family. We were before, well before my mistake was found out, but we're a family now and we need to start acting like one."

"Okay, I understand what you're saying and I agree that's what should be. But that brings me to my second question. What would you settle for if you can't have that?"

Shari again sank deep into thought before speaking. "I guess what I'd settle for is having my husband love me and trust me again."

"I notice you didn't say anything about your children," Dr. Simón said.

"I guess I still feel like I'm being forced to make a choice between them and Tony. Wow, is that a Sophie's Choice. If I had to choose I'd probably choose Tony. I want us to be happy and Tony can't be if Bria's around. But the fact is she is here and I can't live without having her in my life. I don't know if having both of them is possible though. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

"I understand perfectly," he said smiling. "You can't lose either one of them without losing yourself. And you're right; that is the definition of a Sophie's Choice."

Both sat quietly for a moment each trying to absorb the situation Shari described.

Finally Dr. Simón spoke. "Shari, my third question is this. What do you think is going to happen? Look two years in the future and tell me what you see."

Shari sat back and thought. The more she thought the more screwed up her face became. Finally she broke out in tears and Dr. Simón passed over a box of tissues. It took a few minutes before she was able to speak again. "Dr. Simón, I only see bad things in our future. I think the path we're on will lead to the destruction of our family, possibly even divorce. Like I said before, I think only a miracle will prevent what I foresee as our future. Oh God why was I so weak?"

Dr. Simón took a series of notes and let Shari cry into her tissues. They discussed the answers to his questions for the rest of the hour before ending the session with his usual emotional calming drill.

Shari sat in her car in the parking lot for the next hour crying and grieving.

Day 26

Dr. Simón smiled as he gestured for Tony to make himself comfortable in his usual place on the couch.

"Thank you for meeting with me today Tony."

Dr. Simón straightened out the notes on his lap before turning to address his patient.

"Tony, you and Shari and I have been meeting for a few weeks now and I feel we've made a lot of progress in understanding the problem and its roots. However I also feel we haven't made a lot of progress toward finding a solution. That's why I've asked to meet with you both individually. I want to talk to you without having Shari's influence on the conversation and see what you think the future has in store for the two of you. I've written down three questions that I want you to answer before you leave today. I've already asked Shari the same three questions. After our session I'll compare your answers and see if I can find a common ground for the two of you to work toward a solution to your problem. But to be frank, I also need to find out if the two of you are so far apart as to make a common ground impossible. Either way we're going to start working toward a solution to your problems. Are you ready?"

"Yes, I'm ready," Tony said confidently.

"Okay Tony your first question. What do you want? I mean with everything: Your life, Shari, the twins, your problem, everything."