tagHumor & SatireThe World's 10 Greatest Inventions 02

The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 02

byCal Y. Pygia©

A breast implant is a chest prosthesis (hey, the manufacturers had to call them something that's sounds sort of scientific or medical or something; they couldn't just call them fake tits). The procedure used to "implant" them is known as "breast augmentation," "boob job," or, less frequently, "augmentation mammoplasty," because recipients of the fake tits tell their doctors--the ones who don't botch the operation, anyway, "Thanks for the mammaries."

Women undergo breast augmentation surgery for two reasons: (a) celebrities are doing it and (2) they want bigger tits. However, because, to some folks, especially those at the health insurance companies who are paying the freight, such reasons are likely to sound unreasonable, so doctors have come up with several excuses that sound (a bit) more legit. They say women need fake tits for breast reconstruction, following mastectomies, to correct congenital chest wall deformities, or to facilitate their sex-reassignment surgery.

Somebody must believe the doctors, because boob jobs represent the single most frequently performed cosmetic surgical procedure, bar none, in the United States, with close to 350,000 operations performed in a typical year. At this rate, it won't be long before every woman looks like Dolly Parton, and can say, as Dolly told Bill O'Reilly, concerning her own tits, "I don't know if I'm supporting them or they're supporting me."

Doctors used women as guinea pigs for a decade or so, experimenting with various materials as they searched for the perfect substance out of which to make implants. One of the more disastrous was the silicone implant, which tended to rupture inside milady, filling her bloodstream with leaked goop. A few hundred deaths later, designers had improved their product to the extent that the Food and Drug Administration, or FDA, the same watchdog organization that has approved bioengineered livestock for human consumption, presumably because the lobbyists finally got their bribes--oops, I mean their "contributions"--to the right senators and congressmen right, and silicone breast implants are back, probably in a pair of boobs near you.

Other materials that have been tried, with as much success, which is to say, failure, include tissue from a woman's own benign tumor, paraffin injections (ouch!), ivory (huh?), glass balls, ground rubber, ox cartilage, Terylene wool, gutta-percha, Dicora, polyethylene chips, sponges, and, well, a bunch of other stuff that's hard to pronounce. Most popular are saline implants and silicone gel implants.

Before a woman can undergo breast augmentation, she has to be assessed by mental health specialists and be diagnosed as being nuttier than a fruitcake, because, health experts reason, who but a crazy woman (or the late Michael Jackson) would want someone slicing their chest open just to shove a bag of saltwater or silicone goop in there? However, it is relatively simple to feign "mental illness," simply by pretending that one is either Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, or Chris Crocker. (Tip: One candidate for breast augmentation fooled shrinks into thinking her mentally ill simply by saying that her breasts were jealous of Pamela Anderson's post-boob job cleavage.)

Women who opt to undergo the procedure can choose from six incision sites: inframammary (in the crease below the tit), periareolar (at the edge or the areola, or "halo" that surrounds the boob), transacillary (through the armpit; used for transsexuals), transumbilical (through the belly button), transabdominalplasty (through the tummy), or areolar vertical approach (similar to the periareolar, but more expensive).

Likewise, implant recipients have a choice as to the implants are placed. Subglandular implants are tucked in between the boob and the pectoralis muscle. Subfascial implants are inserted in the same location, except that they are shoved down beneath the pectoralis muscle. Subpectoral implants are positioned, often with a crane, between the pectoralis major muscle, but after the inferior muscle attachments have been defused. Finally, the submuscular implant is pushed below the pectoralis muscle without first defusing the lateral chest wall muscles, creating, in effect, a walking time bomb.

The material of choice for plastic surgeons, boob job recipients, and men who prefer fake tits to the real deal (most, as it turns out) is the silicone gel implant, developed by a pair of boob enthusiasts, Thomas Cronin and frank Gerow, both of Houston Texas, the state wherein everything is bigger. Since 1962, when they "implanted" the first crazy woman, the proud papas have fathered five generations of their implants because women and their lovers requested softer tits, less leakage, and fewer "migrations" of the goop inside the women's boobs.

It takes about a week to "recover" from a boob job, during which scars will be visible, pain will be "manageable," and (on the plus side) milady won't be able to cook, clean, or do other household chores for at least six weeks (so, guys, you'd better be prepared to hire a maid).

Sometimes, "complications" ensue a boob job. These include post-operative bleeding; fluid buildup; surgical site infection or breakdown; scarification; painful titties; the Rip Van Winkle, or California Raisins, Effect; droopy dugs; asymmetry; thin tit tissue; bread loafing; implant rupture; prolonged physical illness, and untimely death (sometimes by suicide). In addition, whereas natural boobs point slightly away from one another, as if they've had a tiff and aren't on speaking terms, and there is a noticeable cleavage (vertical gap) between them, fake boobs often look as if they want a divorce, despite their unnatural closeness to one another. Botched boob jobs can turn a relatively attractive, if formerly flat-chested young miss into a female Frankestein's monster whose mismatched mammaries look as if they were installed by Ed Gein. Alternatively, botched boob jobs can give the recipient a comical look, as if her tits are, so to speak, cross-eyed.

On the plus side, if all goes well, milady will have tits of the size she's always envied in other women, which is, most often, of watermelon dimensions. Unfortunately, her asinine boyfriend or husband (or, girlfriend, if she's bisexual or lesbian) definitely will not stop looking at other women's tits.

Note: No tits were injured or killed in the writing of this article.

Next: Ben-wa Balls!

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