tagHumor & SatireThe World's 10 Greatest Inventions 03

The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 03

byCal Y. Pygia©

The human body is 98 percent water. Most of the hydrogen and oxygen in the female anatomy's in the hips: women are positively oceanic, as anyone, male or female, knows who's ever gotten a lady to the point of no control--and, no, I'm not talking PMS here; I'm talking the big "O," orgasm.

If women can cry a river (and, trust me, they can), their cunts can produce a flood of truly Biblical proportions.

To help them find release for all those pent-up waters, a Chinese man named Ben Wa invented a pair of balls, supposedly modeled upon his own, which, being fatherless himself, he named in his own honor, hoping for a legacy despite his lack of an heir.

In China, where a sexual position may be called The Lioness of the Cheese Grater and the penis itself is referred to as the Jade Stalk and the vagina is labeled as the Lotus Flower, at least in the Kama Sutra, Ben Wa's balls were sometimes euphemistically known as "Burmese bells" or, among geishas, as "Geisha balls." In the West, they're called simply "ben-wa balls," possibly because their initial distributor was unaware that "Ben Wa" is a proper name among the Chinese.

About the size of marbles (Ben Wa had relatively small testicles, it appears), the hollow spheres are filled with a small weight that rolls around inside the globes to provide internal stimulation "in all the right places," whether the balls are inserted vaginally, anally, or in both anatomical orifices simultaneously.

As is the case with most inventions, later "inventors" couldn't leave well enough alone and have added many "improvements" to Ben Wa's original design so that they can obtain patents and (they hope) earn millions of dollars from sexually frustrated, lonely, old, and/or ugly women. (Despite the appearance of sexy, hot, young women on the product's package, no sexy, hot, young woman has need of this product and, consequently, would be extremely unlikely to purchase it even on "sale.")

"Innovations" to Ben Wa's original design include bells and whistles which, some say, sound "curious" coming from "down there." Women who've experienced multiple orgasms while employing musical versions of the sex toy are known to have played a variety of "twat tunes," as such serenades are known, including, in one case, "The Star-Spangled Banner."

Another "innovation" is a larger ball, known as the Duotone ball, that is itself filled with smaller balls, the smaller ones performing the same function as the weight performs in Ben Wa's original invention. In the Tongue-Lashing model, tiny tongue-like appendages, made of silicone gel, have been embedded in other versions, to stimulate "skinny dipping among hungry fishes."

To prevent the balls from becoming lost inside the vagina and/or uterus (or inside the anus and/or rectum), they are attached to 10-pound strength fishing line, which, fear not, ladies, has enough tensile strength to land a great white shark, thus saving users from the embarrassing need to visit their local hospital's emergency room for a ben-wa ballectomy.

The balls are easy to operate. The user need only rotate her hips, and the miraculous masturbatory devices will do all the rest of the work. (For maximum effect, it's recommended that the balls be inserted before such gyrations begin.) Although special training is not required, it's thought that hula and belly dancers may realize more "stimulus" than ladies who are not adept in the motions associated with such dances. Likewise, especially for old crones, their use while one is seated in a rocking chair is supposed to enhance the balls' effects, especially if one rocks in the chair while seated there. Moreover, one can leave the balls in the vagina all day, if she is especially horny (or even if she is not). (Dried-up old spinsters may wish to include a few tubes of lubricant.)

For women who may be a bit shy about using a "masturbatory aid," Chinese philosophers, many of whom have been effeminate men, have invented several excuses for using the balls, many of which actually sound pretty good. The Taoist Deer Exercise, for example, is alleged to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, or the Rocking Cradle's Cradle, as they are known in the Kama Sutra, and gynecologists suggest that their use can increase "vaginal elasticity," though not in men. The use of ben-wa balls is also supposed to cure urinary incontinence, bedwetting, whooping cough, dropsy, gout, acne, the heartbreak of psoriasis, tunnel vision, post-natal drip, and nymphomania.

To suggest their true value, many ben-wa balls are painted either gold or silver. For women who cannot afford the finer things in life, cheap plastic knockoffs are available at discount prices, although, for these, sterilization is recommended not only before and after, but also during, use, especially if they're used anally. Esophageal use is not recommended, as ben-wa balls could pose a choking hazard if used orally.

Next: Anal Beads

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