tagHumor & SatireThe World's 10 Greatest Inventions 07

The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 07

byCal Y. Pygia©

It's not easy being a man. Being a man means being horny, pretty much all the time. Five minutes after having great sex, a man is horny again. A woman, on the other hand, is good for the rest of the year (and, in some cases, possibly for the rest of her life). Since women are seldom available, even if a man happens to be married to one, instead of just dating a chick or looking for one to date and/or marry, men are lucky that companies like Real Dolls have manufactured women--and even shemales--for them.

Sex dolls look like women (even the shemale versions, except for their cocks and balls, of course), with long hair; doe eyes with thick lashes; dainty noses; full, sensuous lips; delicate jaws and chins; high cheekbones; breasts that are fuller, more nearly round, firmer, and higher than any real woman's tits are likely to be, if she's out of her teens; long, shapely legs; a tender, if not juicy, cunt; and a firm, sleek ass.

What's missing--brains; emotions; guts, including larynx and lungs; and, possibly, a soul--are negligible at best. A sex doll, by omitting more than it includes in the way of a woman's charms, is a definite improvement over the artifact created by Mother Nature, as man-made women have been since the days of Pygmalion's Galatea. They don't talk back (in fact, they don't talk at all), they don't want anything, they are naked and accessible at all times, and they don't need time to eat, drink, or tend to bodily functions.

When they're not needed, they can be stored in the closet, in a trunk, or under the bed. Your wife, mistress, or girlfriend would surely object to such treatment, possibly even to the cops, and you could end up in jail, with Bubba the Butt Buster as your cellmate. You don't have those worries with inflatable or solid-silicone sex dolls, though--and, when they ride shotgun, they grant you access to the carpool lane. Best of all, they don't care about being "pleased," so foreplay isn't an issue.

Not all sex dolls are created equally, and, as with most things, you get what you pay for. Most of them, though, even the cheaper chippies, can perform anal, oral, and vaginal sex or, at least, such sexual acts can be performed upon them. Even the more excitable among them (that is, those which are equipped with vibrators) tend to be relatively passive, which, although, more often than not, is a good thing, can be a bit of a bummer at times. For example, when spanking your sex doll, a little whimpering and a few sobs, interspersed among her moans and groans, would be nice. However, you can remedy this problem easily enough by purchasing a Halloween sound effects tape. For orgasmic moans, simply crank up a tape of a porn actress acting as if she's in the throes of the big "O" and play it at the appropriate moment.

The more expensive dolls are more lifelike, which, depending upon one's experiences with women, may or may not be a good thing. The high-dollar dolls have realistic facial features and their "skin," which is usually latex filled with silicone gel, looks and feels authentic. Their eyes are large and lustrous, and every artificial hair on their heads, including their eyelashes, like any body hair one orders (for example, on the pubic mound) is inserted, individual strand by individual strand, so that the effect is far superior to even the costliest wig. Stippling (light poking with a stylus) even creates the effect of pores, if desired, and, for some models, freckles are an option.

Their tits are as fine as any transsexual's, actress' or supermodel's fake boobs; their cunts are tender and soft; and their asses are firm but bouncy, the anuses small and tight, but, like the real thing, amazing elastic. Fucking one of the more expensive dolls is superior to fucking even the youngest and freshest streetwalker and, in most cases, is better than having sex with the highest-priced call girl. In fact, sex with even the cheapest sex doll is apt to be better than even the wildest acts your wife, mistress, or girlfriend is willing to perform when drunk or after receiving a five-carat diamond or other token of your affection--with the added benefit that a sex doll doesn't need any such tokens.

The cheaper dolls aren't all that aesthetic--or even human--looking. They're basically balloons with round depressions for mouths, cunts, and assholes. They're about as attractive as your mother-in-law. Still, they are undemanding, silent, and passive. They will accept you not only for who you are, but also for what you are, suffering you to do whatever you please, as often as you like, for as long as you can hold out.

The cheaper dolls are airheads--literally. A valve in a "discreet location" allows them to be inflated by means of mouth-to-valve resuscitation. If one is in a hurry to get his or her rocks off, an air pump can be substituted for a blowjob. Be advised, though, not to become too attached to the cheaper models, as they tend to come apart at the seams following rough sex. Another drawback for guys who may enjoy a hand job once in a while: the cheaper girls don't have fingers, just mitten-like flippers. Typically, the cheaper dolls are not as attractive as the more expensive models, looking like Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, or Paris Hilton facing down the paparazzi. If enough of them are purchased, they can be arranged in a "daisy pattern," to simulate an orgy in progress.

The more expensive models, made of silicone-filled latex, are about half the weight of Pamela Anderson, have hands and an articulated, flexible steel backbone to make sexual positioning easy. The costlier dolls resemble Anderson, Angelina Jolie, and Janet Jackson's late sister Michael.

If female or shemale sex dolls aren't what you're after (maybe you're a member of PETA), fear not. The dolls are also available in the form of certain barnyard animals, such as cows and sheep.

Sex dolls are experienced actresses, having appeared in such television series and motion pictures as The Jerry Springer Show, Ally McBeal, Boston Legal, Nip/Tuck, Married. . . with Children, Jackass: The Movie, Family Guy's "The Perfect Castaway" episode, Lars and the Real Girl, Pushing Daisies, The Office, JAG, Red Dwarf's "Queeg" episode, Harper's Island, and She's All That.

There's no place she'd rather be, though, than by your side.

Next: Edible Panties

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byCal Y. Pygia© 0 comments/ 15852 views/ 1 favorites
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