The Wuzard of USbyKrenna Smart©
Lady Liberty, as herself
GW Bush as the Scarecrow
Dick Cheney as the Tin Man
Colin Powell at the Bureaucat
Congress in their entirety as the Wuzard
The Spook of the Mid-West - Charleton Heston
Saddam as the Spook of the Mid-east
Ralph Nader as the Good Spook
CHATTY CAPPY:, the US intern
The helicopter pilot
NARRATOR: Lady Liberty stands in the Harbor looking wishfully out towards New Jersey as the story begins.
LIBERTY (wishfully): Gosh, on a clear day, I’ll bet I could see all the way to Pennsylvania. On a clear day that is (she coughs a little on the morning smog. Then she brushes off flakes of asbestos and other toxic city grime.) My dress just isn’t as green as it used to be. And my arm sure aches from holding the flame. I’m down right tired of carrying the torch of liberty, and I’m sick of tourists and bird shit. I wish I could have a vacation. I wish, just for once, I could be a tourist. I’d go... Somewhere.
Somewhere, over the ozone, song birds flap
Birds don’t fry in the hot sun
Out where the waves don’t lap
Somewhere, over the ozone, kids don’t whine
Smog lifts, over the ozone out where the bright stars shine
Some day I’ll wish upon a star
and leave the steamy masses far
Where raindrops don’t corrode my hide,
A cooler place where I can bide
that’s where you’ll find me
Somewhere over the ozone
Folks don’t wheeze
I’ll fly over the ozone
off on a cool clear breeze
If happy little tourist fly, above the ozone why, oh why can’t
LIBERTY: Oh my God, what’s that? It’s a cyclone, a hurricane, oh no, its political upheaval.
Help me, help me. What am I going to do?
NARRATOR: The bottom drops out of the stock market. (LIBERTY EXITS ) A whirlwind of slogans and flags and dirty tricks, nasty conspiracies, whisper campaigns and Supreme Court rulings hits Liberty, knocks her to her knees and carried her off into the sky. Her torch is left, flameless on the lawn of Liberty Island.
LIBERTY: Gosh, this sure doesn’t look like Manhattan
NARRATOR: Out of the clear blue sky chugs a little solar powered VW bug. It has hippie flowers and peace signs on it. The sun roof pops open and out pops Ralph Nader
LIBERTY: Who are you?
NADER: I’m Nader the good spook of the north. Who are you, and what is your political persuasion?
NADER: Are you a good spook or a bad spook?
LIBERTY: I’m not a spook at all.
NADER: If you’re not a spook, why did you kill the evil spook of the Midwest?
LIBERTY: I didn’t kill anyone.
NADER: We’ll, I guess that’s pizza pie you’re standing in then.
Liberty looks down at her feet.
LIBERTY: Oh gosh, that’s disgusting. What’s that? Did I do that?
NADER: That, my friend, is what is left of the evil spook of the Midwest
LIBERTY: Oh no, I didn’t mean to kill it. I’ve never killed a constitutional right before.
NADER: Grow up child, that’s not a constitutional right. That’s an evil bogey man, and you killed him. Good going! Now, are you a good spook or a bad spook?
LIBERTY: I just told you....
LIBERTY: Oh my, what’s that?
NADER: Don’t be afraid. That’s just the yuppies. I’m their spook. They called me when they saw you land. They thought you might be another airplane terrorist. They’re all suffering from PTTCS.
YPUUIES: PTTCS, PTTCS
LIBERTY: What’s that?
NADER: Post Traumatic Trade Center Syndrome. They’ve all had a hard jolt to the right, I’m afraid.
LIBERTY: Oh, that’s terrible. Is there anything I can do to help?
NADER: Yes. Please, be reassuring, stable, and, um, mediocre. You know, reasonable. It’s all right yuppies (he calls to the suited people peering out from dimly lit bars), you can come out.
Come out; come out, where ever you are
Where ever you are, don’t stay in the bars
Liberty’s come; she’s come from afar,
She tripped on a rainbow and fell from a star
YUPPIE 1: (Whispers) Rainbow? What’s that? I’ve tried xtc, but I’ve never heard of rainbow. Is that like angle dust? Man, I took some of that when I was a teenager and it took me two years to recover.
YUPPIE 2: Shit, man, you never recovered. He he.
YUPPIE 3: I guess she’s on drugs; she sure looks like she’s on a bad trip, and she’s all green.
YUPPIE 4: She’s sure big. She must be related to the jolly green giant. I’ll bet she’s a terrorist.
YUPPIE 2: No, she’s not a terrorist. Nader wouldn’t have anything to do with terrorists.
YUPPIE 1: But she landed on Heston that makes her a terrorist.
YUPPIE 2: No, Heston was a bad guy, so she can’t be a terrorist, she’s a freedom fighter. She’s a good spook.
YUPPIE 3: You’re wrong, Heston was a good guy, remember? The Wuzard liked him.
YUPPIE 4: I’m so confuse.
NADER: She fell from a star and she missed all the bars
she landed on Heston and that’s where we are
YUPPIES: She fell from a star and she missed all the bars
She landed on Heston and that’s where we are
YUPPIE ONE: Oh well, happy hour’s over, who wants to pay 5 bucks for a beer? Let’s see what’s happening on the street.
YUPPIE ONE: Hush, its time to sing a song
YUPPIES: We represent the arms industry, the arms industry, the arms industry
and on behalf of the arms industry
we’d like to welcome you to yuppie land
We represent the oil interests
the oil interests, the oil interests
and on the behalf of the oil interests
we’d like to welcome you to yuppie land
NARRATOR: Suddenly, right in the middle of the sidewalk a man hole cover blow and a huge ball of fire bursts forth.
EVERYONE: Eeek, Help! The evil spook’s coming, and so on…
NARRATOR: Everyone runs back into the bars except Liberty and Nader.
Saddam, the bad spook of the Middle East jumps out of the manhole cover .
SADDAM: Where’s the evil imperialist who cut off my weapons supply. Where is she? Is it you?
(Saddam points at Liberty)
LIBERTY: I didn’t mean to. There was this political upheaval and I got blown off my island and I landed here and, I didn’t even know he was down there. I didn’t know I was going to crush poor Charleton....
SADDAM: You didn’t mean to.... Of course you didn’t mean to. And I suppose you didn’t mean to destroy my economy either.... you big bad lump of lime colored lead. I’m going to throw some anthrax at you. Better yet, I have my mobile bio-chemical lab here somewhere. I swear I have one. I really do. I read it in your Daily News so it must be true.
LIBERTY: Oh my God, we’re all going to die!
NADER: Calm down, Liberty. Everything’s going to be all right as long as no one goes off half cocked.
(Nader looks at Saddam. )
NADER: Aren’t you forgetting something?
SADDAM: Forgetting something? What do you mean?
NADER: What about sanctions and the weapons agreement?
SADDAM: (Saddam's eye’s light up with greed) Ah yes, the weapon’s agreement...., the sanctions. Give them to me, they’re mine.
NADER: Forget about it. You didn’t negotiate. You weren’t straight with the arms inspectors.
NARRATOR: Heston’s corpse shrivels up and turns to black, gooey tar.
(Narrator slips behind Liberty, pulls out the papers and puts them into a new torch which he hands to Liberty.)
SADDAM: Curse you, and all of your relations and their ancestors. (He says to Nader.)
(Turning to Liberty)
SADDAM: And you, my pretty. You may think you’re safe, but I’ll get you yet.
NADER: Blow it out your ass Saddam. Better look out. I think I see the empire state building heading this way. There’s political upheaval everywhere.
NARRATOR: Saddam looks up at the sky in horror. Seeing that the sky is clear he realizes Nader is merely taunting him
SADDAM: Two can play that game. You’re pathetic, Nader. You’re as full of wind as your friends on the hill. But I’ve got things to do: weapons to assemble, oil to pump. I’ll be back. And when I do, you, Liberty, are going to give me everything I ask for.
(With a blustery bow and a swoop of his arms, Saddam jumps back into the fiery manhole yelling)
LIBERTY (worriedly): Oh dear, that doesn’t sound good. What are we going to do?
NADER: We!? Uh uhh, hombre, I’m outa here. This is getting kind of heavy for me to handle. You’re going to have to call on more commanding forces than I have available. You’re going to have to go see the Wuzard.
LIBERTY: The Wuzard? Who’s that?
NADER: Not who, my dear, what?
LIBERTY: Well.... What then?
NADER: The Wuzard of U.S. Congress, I mean. The bad boys on the Hill. Everyone knows about the Wuzard. The Wuzard acts on everyone’s behalf. Everything that happens here in Yuppie town and everywhere else that counts has to be approved by the Wuzard. You oughta know that.
Liberty was offended.
LIBERTY: I didn’t come from a corn field you know. I come from New York City.
NADER (impressed): New York City. Oh. Well that explains it.
LIBERTY: So how do I get to the Wuzard?
NADER: It’s a long, twisted way you have to go, poor child. You wouldn’t happen to have any money with you, would you?
NADER: Too bad. That’s a problem. It’s really hard to get to the Wuzard without money these days. That’d have been a great help. I used to take the grass roots route but I ran out of grass back in the eighties. Do you have any grass? I could sure use a hit or two. (Nader asks hopefully)
LIBERTY: Grass? You mean marijuana? Of course not, I’m a good girl. I stand for truth and freedom and liberty. Marijuana rots your teeth and funds evil heathen terrorists.
NADER: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Billy Clinton didn’t inhale, either
NADER: (Rolls his eyes and shrugs) Well, you don’t have any money and you don’t have any grass. I guess you’re going to have to get to the Wuzard the hard way.
NADER: You’ll have to go in person.
LIBERTY: But how do I get there? I don’t know my way around this town.
NADER: (Pointing up and right to the road) See that road over there? That’s the oil slick roads. You must follow the oil slick road to get to US.
LIBERTY: The oil slick road?
NADER: The oil slick road. Follow the oil slick road
NADER AND LIBERTY: The oil slick road
YUPPIE 1: Follow the oil slick road
YUPPIE 2: Follow the oil slick road.
(The Yuppies spread out and line up along the road)
Follow the oil slick road
Follow the oil slick road
I’m (We’re) off to see the Wuzard
The wonderful Wuzard of U.S.
I (We) hear he is a wus of a Wuz
if ever a Wuz did gush....
( Scarecrow enters with chair and white house prop. Sits on top of chair)
NARRATOR: Liberty walks for a while. She pauses in confusion at a fork in the road by the white house
LIBERTY: Gosh, I wonder which way I should go. Left. No right. No left.
Hell. I wish there was a middle of the road.
NARRATOR: Then liberty sees GW Bush on a fence with his arms and eyes crossed
LIBERTY: Hey you, up there on the fence. Which way is the way to the Wuzard?
SCARECROW: Go left, no, go right. Left is right, I’m sure of it. No. Right is left. Gosh, I don’t know. Everything is so confusing. Don’t ask me, I don’t have a brain you know.
LIBERTY: Funny, you don’t look like a blond. Why don’t you have a brain?
SCARECROW: It runs in my family. My father doesn’t have one. Neither do my brother or my children.
LIBERTY: Is that why you’re sitting on that fence?
SCARECROW: No. I’m a politician. I got stuck there by my public
LIBERTY: I guess you don’t need a brain if you’re a politician.
SCARECROW: Maybe not. But I want one.
LIBERTY: What would you do with a brain?
I would be a better leader
or maybe just a reader
my job wouldn’t be a strain
I would be a clever laddie
I’d get out from under daddy
if I only had a brain
Oh I, would really try
to make environmental regulations fly
there’d be national health insurance by and by
The Middle East – a little peace
I would understand the budget
I wouldn’t have to fudge it
I wouldn’t be so inane
Let there be no mistakin
I would out think Ronald Reagan
If I only had a brain
LIBERTY: Wow. You’ve really given it some thought. Tell you what. I’m on my way to the Hill to see the Wuzard of US... Why don’t you come with me? If the Wuzard is all he’s cracked up to be he ought to be able to give you a brain.
(Tin Man enters back, stage right)
SCARECROW: I would if I could just get down from this damn fence
LIBERTY: Here. I’ll give you a hand
(Liberty lifts Scarecrow down. He wobbles and falls over. She sets him right.)
LIBERTY. Now then, which way should we go?
SCARECROW: I don’t know. You look like a smart girl. You decide.
LIBERTY: I guess we’d better go right.
SCARECROW: Good choice. Left and right are just about the same these days, anyway.
LIBERTY: Why do you think that is?
TINMAN: (CREAKS) OIL:
LIBERTY: Why’s money so important?
TIN MAN: Oil (he squeaks)
(Liberty and the Scarecrow stare first at him and then at each other.)
LIBERTY whispers: Good thing we went right. We’d never have found him on the path leading left.
SCARECROW: What did you say?
TIN MAN: Oil. What’d’ya have, straw in your ears? I’m dry as a Texas oil well.
(Liberty and Scarecrow notice the oil can just out of Tin Man’s reach. Liberty grabs it and oils Tin Man’s jaw. It starts to flap. Liberty and Scarecrow begin to laugh)
TIN MAN: Shut up and help me you fools.
SCARECROW: You can call me a fool, but that’s Liberty you’re insulting. You’d better watch it. Who do you think you are anyway?
TIN MAN: I’m Dick Cheney. Who the Hell are you
SCARECROW: I’m GW Bush. This is Liberty
Liberty (Politely): How do you do.
TIN MAN: I’d be a whole lot better if you’d stop jawing and finish oiling me
SCARECROW: (taking the oil can from Liberty): Here, I’ll do it. I have a special interest in oil.
(Scarecrow oils Tin Man thoroughly. Tin Man wiggles and rattles and squeaks until his joints loosen up.)
TIN MAN: Damn. This wouldn’t happen if people would pay a little attention to me.
LIBERTY: Aren’t you going to thank us?
TIN MAN: Hell no, I’m not grateful. I don’t give a fart.
LIBERTY: Why not?
TIN MAN: I don’t know. I don’t feel like it, cause I don’t have a heart
SCARECROW: Why don’t you have a heart?
TIN MAN: It was giving me too much trouble. I cut it out when I took political office. Now I’m starting to regret it.
LIBERTY: What would you do with a heart?
I would be so hale and hearty
Join the democratic party
'though Bush might fall apart
I would be a real peace maker
I’d throw out my old pace maker
If I only had a heart
Oh I’d be a nice guy
At the thought of mass destruction I would cry
I guess I’d go to heaven when I die
I wouldn’t hate
the welfare state
I wouldn’t mind if it were achin'
I’d like to feel it breakin'
I wouldn’t dodge cupid’s dart
I would help the Arab nation
I’d be in love with all creation
If I only had a heart
LIBERTY: Scarecrow and I are heading to the Hill to see the Wuzard. If you act nice you can come with us. When we get there you can as the Wuzard for a new heart.
TIN MAN: I don’t have anything better to do. I guess I’ll go along.
LIBERTY: So where do we go from here?
(They gaze down the oil slick road standing down, left)
TIN MAN: It looks like we have to go through downtown to get to the Hill
LIBERTY: Downtown. That sounds scary. Will there be lawyers? (Stepping right)
SCARECROW: I think so. And lobbyists. (Stepping right)
TIN MAN: And Beaurocats (Stepping right)
TIN MAN: Of course
LIBERTY: Oh my. Lawyers and Lobbyists and Bureaucrats, oh my
(All three walk towards stage right slowly, while chanting)
Lawyers and Lobbyists & Bureau cats, oh my….
NARRATOR: Our little party of travelers arrive in downtown Washington.
(Colin Powell jumps out of a doorway just to the right of center)
EVERYONE: EEK.(They all run in different directions. Powell isn’t chasing them.) Instead he sits down on a stool and pulls out a lunch pail)
(Liberty notices Bureaucat’s not chasing them and turns.
LIBERTY: Aren’t you going to chase us?
BUREAUCAT: Of course not. It’s my lunch hour.
LIBERTY: (Walks towards Bureaucat) You sure are lazy.
BUREAUCAT: Of course I’m lazy. I’m a bureau cat. I’m a coward too. (Sadly)
LIBERTY: That’s a drag. Don’t you have any courage at all?
BUREAUCAT: No not one little bit. I sure wish I did
TIN MAN: What would you do with courage?
BUREAUCAT: I’d be intrepid if I have courage. I’d be..., I’d.... Well.... (Stands. He is down stage right)
I would start an insurrection
then I’d win the next election
I’d be so proud to serve
I’d recommend that we hold back
and not shellac the poor Iraqis
If I only had the nerve
Oh I would show some guts
I wouldn’t be a chicken little putz
Whenever I was challenged I’d kick butts
I’d tell the boss
I wouldn’t give a god dam
if we don’t go after Saddam
My opinions wouldn’t swerve
I would have the upper hand
and I might even take a stand
Oh, if I only had the nerve
Tin Man, Scarecrow and Liberty whisper among themselves a bit
(Tin Man, Liberty and Scarecrow walk towards Bureaucat before speaking)
LIBERTY: Tin Man, Scarecrow and me, uh, Liberty, are on the way to the Hill to see the Wuzard. The Tin Man’s going to ask for a heart and the Scarecrow is going to ask for a brain. And me, well, I guess I need to find my way back to New York City. Maybe you’d like to come with us and ask for some courage.
BUREAUCAT: Do you think he’d give me some (Hopefully)
SCARECROW: I don’t see why not. But then again, I don’t see why he would. Don’t ask me, I don’t have a brain.
TIN MAN: Oh shut up
LIBERTY: Now boys no fighting. We have a long walk ahead of us. So, Bureaucat, are you in or not.
BUREAUCAT: (Sits on stool) Let me think, let me think. Okay, I guess. What have I got to loose. I’ve got plenty of vacation coming to me -- use or loose, you know, I was thinking of taking a trip but was scared to what with the state of the world and everything.
SCARECROW: I know just what you mean. You know if Liberty hadn’t come along I might just have sat on the fence for four years or more….
Liberty (to the group): (Liberty crosses to Bureaucat and pulls him up) TO US?
EVERYONE: TO US
We’re off to see the Wuzard, the wonderful …..
The curtain falls
Saddam is in his compound, watching the progress of the little group on his lap top.
SADDAM: Curses, Curses. The little liberty bitch is going to give me trouble. If she stirs up the Wuzard the proverbial shit is going to hit the fan. I’ve got to stop her. I know, I’ll send out the suicide bombers.
NARRATOR: Winged monkey puppets fly out of the compound and head into the sky.
Meanwhile the little group has just gotten out of downtown and found their way to the Mall. They see the Capitol on the horizon
LIBERTY: Look, it’s the Capitol. We’re almost there. It’s so pretty. Hurry
SCARECROW: Lets run
NARRATOR: They start running up the mall. All of a sudden a cloud of suicide bombers appears behind them. The monkey-like things land and explode behind and around the travelers
Liberty and her friends run faster and just barely make it to the no fly zone over the white house. The suicide bombers buzz around a while and then run out of fuel and fall, lifeless to the ground.
TIN MAN: Whew, that was close. If I had a heart it’d be beating a mile a minute
SCARECROW: Alright gang, let’s get moving. We want to make US by nightfall