The Wuzard of US

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LIBERTY: Oh, you are evil, just like everyone warned me. I’ll bet you have Anthrax and Risin and small pox and all kinds of other nasty weapons.

SADDAM: Yes, yes, I admit it. And I’ll use them all on you if you don’t BE STILL! (To himself: Muhammad, what am I going to do with this creature?)

LIBERTY: It’s simple. Give me all your weapons and send me back to Washington.

SADDAM: No, my pretty. I’ve got a better idea. I’m going to melt you down and turn you into missiles which I’ll arm with everything nasty I’ve collected over the years. I’ll aim them at Kuwait and Israel. What do you think of that?

LIBERTY: That’s beastly. It’s unthinkable. You’re worse than the devil.

SADDAM: It’s what you get for meddling. When you stick your nose into a bee’s nest you get stung. That’s the price you pay for stealing honey.

LIBERTY: What are you talking about? I’m not after honey. You’re a terrible threat to the world. I have to depose you and spread my grace upon your land.

SADDAM: What a load of crap. Am I so different from a dozen other horrible despots reigning here and there around the world? Why’d US pick me?

LIBERTY: You’re an evil terrorist. You’re connected to Ben Laden, and all of the horrible things happening around the world.

SADDAM: I didn’t empower Ben Laden. By Allah, child, read the newspaper once in a while. Do you think US would give a fart about Iraq if it wasn’t sitting on a pool of oil? ‘Mercans are addicted to oil. All the fat, middle aged children of the flower power generation who wanted peace and good will for mankind and a clean environment, and now go to work in SUVs, jetting around the country eating exotic foods all year round are driven by oil, the blood of my desert, Liberty, your freedom has become very costly. The time is coming when you will re-join the third world with its squalor and famine, pestilence and plague. If there is a world left at the end of the play. So, my dear, what should I do? Should I let your Scarecrow loose the dark horse of war upon the world? Should I set the oil fields on fire? Or should I throw up my hands, and give US my oil? And what will US do with my Country after I leave? Turn it into a theme park?

LIBERTY: Stop it. I don’t want to hear it. American is only trying to spread its wonderful life style to the poor down trodden masses and make you give up your dirty weapons.

Saddam gives Liberty an evil leer.

SADDAM: I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

LIBERTY: I don’t feel so good. I want to go home.

SADDAM: Huh uh. You and your cohorts started this. I’m going to finish it.

LIBERTY: You think so? You can melt me down and use me as a missile, but you still have most of America’s military camped out down the road. Why don’t you just disarm? We can walk out of here together. I’ll protect you. (She gives him the once over). Who knows you might get to like me if you get a little taste of me.

SADDAM (disgustedly): Better I should pull down my pants, bend over and tell US to stick it in. You are such a child. You will make a wonderful missile or two, or three. I have a feeling I’m going to need them. You’ll stay here under guard until I’m ready to smelt you. That should take about, oh, as long as it takes for the sand to pass through the hour glass. It’s been so nice chatting with you.

NARRATOR: Saddam re-enters the castle. Liberty tries to stand steady, but tears course down her face. Her arm trembles as it hold the torch.

LIBERTY: Oh dear. What am I going to do? I know! (Brightening) I’ll use my feminine charms on him. Freedom can be very seductive. I’ll win him over. I know I can do it.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile Tin Man and Bureaucat have crept into the city and managed to overwhelm a couple of Iraqi soldiers, strip them, tie them up and don their uniforms. They fall into line with the rest of the column and march into the compound. There is a call to prayer, and all fall onto their knees facing east. They get up and continue their march chanting

IRAQI SOLDIERS: Allah h uhu akbar, Allah h uhu akbar….

Tin Man and Bureaucat drop out of formation and go off in search of the weapons.

TIN MAN: Where do you think he keeps them?

BUREAUCAT: I don’t know. They could be anywhere. Your guess is as good as mine. Ouch, you clumsy oaf. You stepped on my tail.

TIN MAN: Put a lid on it fuzz face, there’s soldiers over there.

NARRATOR: They slip into a hall way.

NARRATOR: Back at the Kuwaiti border, Scarecrow has mustered his troops, crossed over the border and is entering Baghdad. But time is running out for Liberty.

Saddam returns to the courtyard

SADDAM: Liberty, it’s time for you to meet your maker.

LIBERTY (bating her eyelashes and smiling seductively): Saddam, you look so handsome and virile in your combat attire. Sit. See how beautiful I am when I dance?

She starts to dance around Saddam, mimicking a harem girl.

SADDAM: What is this, woman? I want no part of your Western ways.

LIBERTY: Poor man, you must get so lonely in your desert compound.

SADDAM: Lonely. Bah. I can have any woman I want. What would I want with a hunk of Western junk like you?

LIBERTY: Don’t you ever wonder what it would be like to climb into bed with an American icon?

She dances and swirls around him. Saddam gives her a scornful laugh.

SADDAM: You think I’ve never been in bed with a Westerner before? Perhaps if you were French or Russian I would be interested. But you are the slave my mortal enemy, the evil US.

LIBERTY (angrily): I’m no slave. I’m the quintessential American: The founding mother.

Saddam holds up a mirror.

SADDAM: Behold yourself, woman. You’re ragged and tattered and torn. You’ve been eviscerated over the years. You’re barely a shadow of what you once were.

LIBERTY: How dare you, you megalomaniacal tyrant? You torture children and enslave women.

SADDAM: And you let yourself be whittled away by self interested, oil guzzling, billionaires who sell arms under the table and rape the ecology while they speak self-righteously of freedom. They take everything for their bulbous, beef glutted children, hasten us to extinction yet cry fowl when we try to keep what is ours. Bah.

LIBERTY: That’s it. I’ve heard enough.

Liberty rushes at Saddam and whacks him over the head with her torch. He falls to his knees and she runs out of the room. The guards don’t bother to chase her.

Tin Man and Bureaucat have heard the argument and meet Liberty as she rushes down the hallway.

LIBERTY: Oh, thank heaven you’re here. Let’s get away before Saddam comes to and turns me into a missile or two.

TIN MAN: Liberty you’re safe! Thank God.

BUREAUCAT: Can we get out of here now? This place gives me the creeps.

LIBERTY: Where’s Scarecrow?

TIN MAN: Last we saw of him he was caught in a sand storm flying towards the army.

LIBERTY: Wow. I’ll bet he’s started his war. We’d better get out of here before all Hell breaks loose.

NARRATOR: Right on cue the air raid siren starts to shriek.

BUREAUCAT: Incoming. Run for it.

NARRATOR: They dash off the stage as thousands of missiles begin to rain upon Baghdad. All hell breaks loose. A hush falls upon the city.

THE CURTAIN FALLS

THE FINAL ACT, VERSION 1

Scarecrow rides triumphantly into town in an ice cream truck with a large cone on top doubling for a radar dish. The truck is playing the so, so familiar Mr. Softie slogan and is the lead vehicle of a circus parade. Scarecrow is flanked by US soldiers handing our ice cream and pamphlets. In addition pamphlets and balloons are falling from US Military air support. The second vehicle in the parade is a media caravan with all of the Network Insignia. It likewise has a satellite dish on top. The next vehicle is a huge RV with “Disney, McDonalds, Nike, Budweiser, Coca Cola, various American automobile, and Universal Studios insignia on its side. There is an excited, carnival-like atmosphere in the air. Ronald McDonald clowns and life-sized Disney characters are working the crowd, explaining about plans for the theme park and the nutritional value of junk food. Several recent Oscar winners are vying for media attention. Saddam and his entourage head off into the desert on camels. No one pays any attention until Liberty points at their disappearing silhouettes.

Liberty: Well, I guess they won’t have to stop or gas on their way out of town.

Scarecrow: (shouting) All is well. The ‘Mercans are here. Your liberators have finally arrived.

The ‘Mercan contingent breaks into song”

Ding dong, the spook is gone

Which old spook?

The Mid East spook

Ding dong the Mid East spook is gone

High ho gas prices go

Sing it high, sing it low

Ding dong the Mid East spook is gone

He’s gone where Ben Laden’s gone

So long, so long, so long

So long, so long so long now sing

And sing the song

Ding dong the spook is gone

Drop your guns or you’ll be dead

Don’t you know the wicked spook is gone?

Put down your weapons peacefully and join the celebration. Shock and awe, part II is about to begin.

Iraqi soldier: What’s that?

Scarecrow: It’s the first stage of the ‘Mercan reconstruction plan. Now that we’ve taken your land and secured the oil fields (of course you’ll be compensated in ‘Mercan dollars) we going to finish leveling this area and construct a huge amusement park. Everything you’ve ever desired will be right here at your finger tips. And you’ll even have the dollars to pay for it. If you’re lucky, you may be selected to receive twenty acres and a camel.

Liberty, Tin Man and Bureaucat see Scarecrow and join him in front of the ice cream truck. Scarecrow, Tin man and Bureaucat hug excitedly. Liberty holds back, looking in wonder at the enfolding show.

Bureaucat: Boy that was a scary war. I thought I was toast.

Liberty: That evil spook was going to melt me down.

Scarecrow: Well we showed them, didn’t we? I think the troops can have everything under control now. We can go home. I’ve called for Air Force One to fly us back to Washington in comfort.

Bureaucat: We’ve earned a break.

Tin Man: That’s for sure. Uh. Don’t forget to fill my oil can on the way out. The desert’s been hell on my metal.

Scarecrow (smiling expansively): No problem, pardner. There’s plenty of that now; For a while, anyway.

NARRATOR: Back at the Capitol

Narrator: The four travelers have been feted and feasted, and made much of by the media. They’re cleaned up and in great spirits. The war, they hear, is going well and is winding down. They figure they’ve earned their rewards from US. They arrive at the door of the capitol and ring the bell.

Chatty Cappy: You again. Can’t you read the sign?

In unison: What sign?

Chatty Cappy looks down. Seeing no sign

Chatty Cappy: Oh for heaven’s sake. Here.

She places a sign on the door knob and slams the door shut.

In unison they read: Bell out of order. Please knock.

Liberty bangs on the door. Chatty opens it.

Chatty Cappy: That’s better. Now, what do you want?

Liberty: We’ve come to see the Wizard. Tell him it’s us and we’ve done everything and more that he asked. We’re here for our rewards.

Chatty Cappy: Humph. I’ll see if you will be received. US’s very busy. There’s a war on you know.

Scarecrow: Duh. (To Tin Man.) What a bimbo)

The door slams shut.

Liberty: Crap! After all we’ve done you’d think we’d get a better reception than that.

The doors open again after only a brief pause.

Chatty Cappy: You must be important. US will see you right away.

The travelers walk up to the microphone together

US: I AM US THE GREAT AND POWERFUL. YOU HAVE SERVED ME WELL

Liberty: That’s right. Now it’s time to pay up.

US: Uhh, er, well…. There’s this little budget problem, you see…. The war was rather expensive, after all. THAT’S YOUR FAULT SCARECROW. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, ANYWAY?

Scarecrow: ME? I wasn’t thinking. That’s why I came to you to begin with, remember? Duh. Now, are you going to give me a brain or not?

US: I don’t know. Maybe if I postpone the tax cut, diddle the figures. I might be able to find a way. You’re probably good for another term. (Thoughtfully, to himself) You might still be of use to me, even if you have a brain. I don’t necessarily have to give you a good one, do I?

Tin Man: What about me? You promised me a heart.

US: I’m really sorry but it won’t be possible. Artificial hearts are awful expensive. Do you have a good health plan? Medicaid won’t cover it you, you know. You’re too old and can—tankerous.

Tin Man: Why, you double dealing son of a ….

US: Don’t blame me. It was a bureaucratic oversight.

Tin man turns angrily towards Bureaucat who cringes

Bureaucat: Ah, come on, it’s not my fault. I didn’t know. And even if I did….. You have to have a lot of guts to take on issues like that. And I just don’t. That’s what I’m here for. Pay up, buster!

US: GODDAMN IT. I DON’T HAVE TO GIVE YOU COURAGE IF I DON’T WANT TO! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE COMING IN HERE MAKING DEMANDS ANYWAY?

Bureaucat: That’s it. I’m out of here.

He turns and starts to leave

US: YOU DON’T LEAVE UNTIL I TELL YOU TO LEAVE!

Narrator: Bureaucat collapses in terror, clutching his chest. He lands on wires which lift a curtain revealing an American consumer sitting on a couch watching a huge TV wearing a sweat suit. The consumer’s sex is indeterminate. S/he’s eating microwave popcorn and smoking a cigarette. S/he stares, transfixed at the TV flicking from channel to channel. War news and soap operas are interspersed with auto ads, ads for politicians, etc. Game shows offer free cars, trips and anything else an American consumer could want. The back wall of the living room is covered with pictures of cars, and advertising slogans. The house is filled with electronic gadgets children’s toys and empty fast food containers.

Liberty: Of course he can leave. It’s a free country, isn’t it?

US: HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION? I DON’T HAVE TO SEND YOU BACK TO NEW YORK, YOU KNOW! I CAN SEND YOU OFF TO A LITTLE BACK-WATER NATION AND WATCH YOU LANGUISH!

Liberty: You could try. Or maybe you’d rather melt me down and turn me into missiles. What country would you aim them at next?

US: Ahh, lighten up fer Chrissakes, Liberty. And get your rusty butt out of the way of the TV. You’re interfering with reception.

Narrator: US looks at his/er watch.

Mom: Opps gotta go. Time to pick up the kids.

FINAL ACT, VERSION 2

NARRATOR: When the curtain rises Baghdad is in flames. A horrible cloud of black smoke covers the sky. The morning is as dark as midnight. Liberty, Tin Man and Bureaucat are huddled together under a fallen Saddam placard. The flame in Liberty’s torch has burned out.

LIBERTY: Coughing. Man, this is worse than being stuck in Lincoln Tunnel during rush hour. Look. What’s that on the horizon? (Liberty points towards the western border where a shadowy crowd is forming.) It looks like a crowd of people. They’re coming this way. I’ll bet it’s the Iraqi people rushing towards Freedom.

TIN MAN: No. That doesn’t make any sense. I don’t see any Baghdaddys in the crowd. I’ll bet its Saddam’s finest coming in from the hills to surrender in shock and awe. (He squints into the darkness.) No. They’re wearing night vision goggles. They must be ‘Mercan troops. Halleluiah! They sure took their sweet time getting here. I wonder what took them so long.

NARRATOR: The crowd draws closer. They’re wearing tee shirts with peace signs on them and carrying antiwar placards along with their state of the art weaponry.

DEMONSTRATORS: (Singing)

Where have all the sand dunes gone

Long time passing

Where have all the sand dunes gone, long time ago

Where have all the sand dunes gone, gone to oil everyone

When will they ever learn when will they ever lean

Where have all the soldiers gone

Gone to (opps, wrong verse)

Where has all the oil gone…?

Gone to bankers every drop

When will they ever learn, when will they ever learn

Where have all the bankers gone…

Gone to autos everyone

When will they ever learn, when will they ever learn

Where have all the autos gone….

Gone to soldiers every one

When will they ever learn, when will they ever learn

Where have all the soldiers gone….

Gone to sand dunes everyone

When will they ever learn, when will they ever lean

PROTESTERS: (a cacophonous medley)

All we are saying is give peace a chance….

War, what is it good for, absolutely nothing

Michael Row Your Boat A Shore

Come on all you big strong men, Uncle Sam needs your help again

BUREAUCAT: (with fear in his voice) Those aren’t soldiers, they’re antiwar demonstrators.

TIN MAN: Boy, do they look mean! We’d have been safer if they’d been soldiers or civilians.

BUREAUCAT: They’ve seen us! Let’s get out of here. Oh no, what’ll we do, what’ll we do?

LIBERTY: Calm down. I have an idea.

NARRATOR: The travelers are about to be engulfed by the angry peace mob when Liberty starts waiving and smiling.

LIBERTY: (calls out to the crowd.) Hallo, hi! We’re the advance press corp. It’s so good to see you. Things were getting dangerous around here and we were afraid we were going to have to go out looking for a story. (She holds out her torch.) See. I have a microphone. Now don’t all talk at once.

NARRATOR: The demonstrators immediately stop threatening the travelers and start pushing and shoving each other, jockeying for positions in front of the mike.

DEMONSTRATOR 1 to DEMONSTRATOR 2: How do we know they’re press? They don’t have a camera.

DEMONSTRATOR 2: Who else would be stupid enough to sit in the middle of a bombed out city waiting for the war to arrive? Besides they look familiar. I’m sure I’ve seen them on TV.

DEMONSTRATOR 3: Hey, I recognize the woman. Isn’t that Barbara Walters?

DEMONSTRATOR 2: No. It’s Joan Rivers. Hey Joan! Over here! I love your show!

DEMONSTRATOR 3: Who are the other two? I’m sure I know their faces.

DEMONSTRATOR 1: Who cares, as long as they spell our names right.

NARRATOR: The travelers spend several hours interviewing the protestors. They’re all great friends by lunch time. There’s still no sign of either army although they hear the sound of occasional bombs and missiles. Distant artillery fire sounds like thunder. Together with the smoke and fire it seems like some mad Valkyrian nightmare. As time passes a few Baghdaddys venture out from under the rubble, acting as if it’s everything’s normal.

LIBERTY: (to herself.) I know I’m going to wake up on Liberty Island any second now.

BUREAUCAT: (peevishly) Where the Hell is everyone? Who’s running this war anyway. Such inefficiency. Good, God, all this down time is going to cause a budget overrun. Its time for lunch already. I thought the military was going to provide meals for everyone. Where the hell’s the damn food!!

NARRATOR: On cue Scarecrow rides triumphantly into town in an ice cream truck with a large cone on top doubling for a radar dish. Scarecrow is flanked by US soldiers handing our ice cream and pamphlets. In addition pamphlets and balloons are falling from US Military air support. The second vehicle in the parade is a media caravan with all of the Network Insignia. It likewise has a satellite dish on top. The next vehicle is a huge RV with “Disney, McDonalds, Nike, Budweiser, Coca Cola, various American automobile, and Universal Studios insignia on its side. There is an excited, carnival-like atmosphere in the air. Ronald McDonald clowns and life-sized Disney characters are working the crowd, explaining about plans for the theme park and the nutritional value of junk food. Several recent Oscar winners are vying for media attention.

SCARECROW: (shouting) All is well. The ‘Mercans are here. Your liberators have finally arrived. Put down your weapons peacefully and join the celebration. Shock and awe, part II is about to begin.