The Wuzard of US

BAGHDADDY: What’s that?

SCARECROW: It’s the first stage of the ‘Mercan reconstruction plan. Now that we’ve taken your land and secured the oil fields (of course you’ll be compensated in ‘Mercan dollars) we going to finish leveling this area and construct a huge amusement park. Everything you’ve ever desired will be right here at your finger tips. And you’ll even have the dollars to pay for it. If you’re lucky, you may be selected to receive twenty acres and a camel.

BAGHDADDY: But where’s the food, the medical supplies….

SCARECROW: Uh, they’ll be delayed a bit. Most of US soldiers can’t come in here. It’s too dangerous.

NARRATOR: Iraqi soldiers appear as if by magic and join the Baghdaddys and demonstrators. They rush the ‘Mercans. Demonstrators lambaste ‘Mercans and Baghdaddyes with slogans and placards. The press adds to the confusion, interrupting the engagement with camera shoots and interviews. Words fly like bullets. The verbal onslaught becomes dirty, bitter and underhanded. The allegations escalate. Each side utters atrocities. All reason is lost.

The participants proceed to dismantle Saddam’s Baghdad piece by piece. General mayhem ensues. Property disappears like magic. The party turns ugly. Iraqui’s begin disappearing.

The scene is like a bad FOX TV reality show.

After a while the press looses interest so everyone remaining hunkers down and dig in for the night.

Liberty, Tin Man and Bureaucat see Scarecrow and join him in front of the ice cream truck. Scarecrow, Tin man and Bureaucat hug excitedly. Liberty holds back, looking in wonder at the western sky.

LIBERTY: Oh, look! Fire works. Maybe the war’s over.

SCARECROW: Uh oh.

BUREAUCAT: What now?

SCARECROW: Those aren’t fireworks. Looks like the war’s gonna to be bigger that I thought.

LIBERTY: What’s happening?

SCARECROW: (Smiling proudly) Syria’s joined the dance.

LIBERTY: That’s terrible.

SCARECROW: I don’t know. It’s all a matter of perspective. But I think this might be a good time to get out of Dodge. What’d ya say we slip out and head for Kuwait.

BUREAUCAT: Sounds like a good idea to me. This is getting scary. I thought I was toast.

NARRATOR: Liberty spots a camel caravan heading out of town, gathering Saddam placards on the way.

LIBERTY: Look over there! Saddam’s and his cronies have got the same idea we have. Good riddance. That evil spook was going to melt me down.

SCARECROW: Well we showed them, didn’t we? I’ve called for Air Force One to fly us back to Washington in comfort.

LIBERTY: (Scornfully) Look at that rag tag bunch. Leaving on Camels, no less. Guess they won’t have to gas up on their way out.

NARRATOR: The travelers break into song as they march off towards Kuwait

Ding dong, the spook is gone

Which old spook?

The Mid East spook

Ding dong the Mid East spook is gone

High ho gas prices go

Sing it high, sing it low

Ding dong the Mid East spook is gone

He’s gone where Ben Laden’s gone

So long, so long, so long

So long, so long so long now sing

And sing the song

Ding dong the spook is gone

Drop your guns or you’ll be dead

Don’t you know the wicked spook is gone?

NARRATOR: Just as they arrive in Kuwait they hear a huge bang. They turn towards Baghdad and see a huge mushroom cloud

BUREAUCAT: Oh no. Baghdad’s been nuked.

SCARECROW: Nah. That was just big bertha. It’s okay. There’s no radiation. Just a lot of sand and dust. No worse than a minor meteor touching down. It was just for show. Left a damn big hole in the desert, though (chuckling). No long term ramifications.

BUREAUCAT, TIN MAN AND LIBERTY: Oh, it’s all right then.

NARRATOR: A low rumble comes from the bowels of the earth. The desert ripples as if it were an ocean. There is a huge sucking sound and Iraq settles into a deep sink hole.

SCARECROW: Opps. I never though of that.

LIBERTY: (Angrily) What do you mean, whoops? You just caused Atlantis II.

SCARECROW: Ah hell, don’t blame me, Liberty. It’s collateral damage. You know. An unavoidable loss. Besides, it may not be as bad as it looks.

TIN MAN: Yeah, sure. Like we’re really going to win the next election after this. How could it be worse?

SCARECROW: Heck. When everything settles there’s going to be a great big lake of oil there for the taking. All we’ll have to do is build a pipeline….

LIBERTY: You’re insane. Haven’t you learned anything?

SCARECROW: Of course not.

The four travelers laugh.

NARRATOR: They arrive at the airstrip in high spirits. Air Force One is fueled up and ready to go when they arrive.

BUREAUCAT: (Heaving a sigh of relief.) We’ve earned a break.

TIN MAN: That’s for sure. Uh. Don’t forget to fill my oil can on the way out. The desert’s been hell on my metal.

SCARECROW (smiling expansively): No problem, pardner. There’s plenty of that now; For a while, anyway.

NARRATOR: Back at The Capitol

NARRATOR: The four travelers have been feted and feasted, and made much of by the media. They figure they’ve earned their rewards from US. They arrive at the door of the capitol and ring the bell.

CHATTY CAPPY: You again. Can’t you read the sign?

In unison: What sign?

CHATTY CAPPY: looks down. Seeing no sign

CHATTY CAPPY: Oh for heaven’s sake. Here.

She places a sign on the door knob and slams the door shut.

In unison they read: Bell out of order. Please knock.

Liberty bangs on the door. Chatty opens it.

CHATTY CAPPY: That’s better. Now, what do you want?

LIBERTY: We’ve come to see the Wuzard. Tell him it’s us and we’ve done everything and more that he asked. We’re here for our rewards.

CHATTY CAPPY: Humph. I’ll see if you will be received. US’s very busy. There’s a war on you know.

SCARECROW: Duh. (To Tin Man. What a bimbo)

The door slams shut.

LIBERTY: Crap! After all we’ve done you’d think we’d get a better reception than that.

The doors open again after only a brief pause.

CHATTY CAPPY: You must be important. US will see you right away.

The travelers walk up to the microphone together

US: I AM US THE GREAT AND POWERFUL. YOU HAVE SERVED ME WELL

LIBERTY: That’s right. Now it’s time to pay up.

US: Uhh, er, well…. There’s this little budget problem, you see…. The war was rather expensive, after all. THAT’S YOUR FAULT SCARECROW. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, ANYWAY?

SCARECROW: ME? I wasn’t thinking. That’s why I came to you to begin with, remember? Duh. Now, are you going to give me a brain or not?

US: I don’t know. Maybe if I postpone the tax cut, diddle the figures. I might be able to find a way. You’re probably good for another term. (Thoughtfully, to himself) You might still be of use to me, even if you have a brain. I don’t necessarily have to give you a good one, do I?

TIN MAN: What about me? You promised me a heart.

US: I’m really sorry but it won’t be possible. Artificial hearts are awful expensive. Do you have a good health plan? Medicaid won’t cover it you, you know. You’re too old and can—tankerous.

TIN MAN: Why, you double dealing son of a ….

US: Don’t blame me. It was a bureaucratic oversight.

Tin man turns angrily towards Bureaucat who cringes

BUREAUCAT: Ah, come on, it’s not my fault. I didn’t know. And even if I did….. You have to have a lot of guts, to take on issues like that. And I just don’t. That’s what I’m here for. Pay up, buster!

US: GODDAMN IT. I DON’T HAVE TO GIVE YOU COURAGE IF I DON’T WANT TO! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE COMING IN HERE MAKING DEMANDS ANYWAY?

BUREAUCAT: That’s it. I’m out of here.

He turns and starts to leave

US: YOU DON’T LEAVE UNTIL I TELL YOU TO LEAVE!

NARRATOR: Bureaucat collapses in terror, clutching his chest. He lands on wires which lift a curtain revealing an American consumer sitting on a couch watching a huge TV wearing a sweat suit. The consumer’s sex is indeterminate. S/he’s eating microwave popcorn and smoking a cigarette. S/he stares, transfixed at the TV flicking from channel to channel. War news and soap operas are interspersed with auto ads, ads for politicians, etc. Game shows offer free cars, trips and anything else an American consumer could want. The back wall of the living room is covered with pictures of cars, and advertising slogans. The house is filled with electronic gadgets children’s toys and empty fast food containers.

LIBERTY: Of course he can leave. It’s a free country, isn’t it?

US: HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION? I DON’T HAVE TO SEND YOU BACK TO NEW YORK, YOU KNOW! I CAN SEND YOU OFF TO A LITTLE BACK-WATER NATION AND WATCH YOU LANGUISH!

LIBERTY: You could try. Or maybe you’d rather melt me down and turn me into missiles. What country would you aim them at next?

US: Ahh, lighten up fer Chrissakes, Liberty. And get your rusty butt out of the way of the TV. You’re interfering with reception.

NARRATOR: The TV goes off and the lights go out.

US: Jesus Christ, what now? (Fiddles with the remote a bit, shrugs her shoulders.)

NARRATOR: US looks at his/er watch.

US: Opps gotta go. Time to pick up the kids. Oh shit, I’m out of gas.

THE CURTAIN FALLS