Therapy

Hey guys. It's been a while since I posted a story. About 2 or 3 years if I remember correctly. Long story short: I've changed. And not for the better. I've been going through a really rough time lately. My mom thinks it's a mild form of depression. I more or less stopped caring about everything. I flunked out of college second semester of my sophomore year, about a year and a half ago. I broke up with my long term girlfriend Liv after nearly 4 years of dating her, around the same time. I was an asshole to her towards the end, I admit it, and I still cringe over how I treated her. I then started dating my mom's best friend's daughter Meghan (who I've written about in other stories, check them out) a few months later, who I've always had a thing for. She knew damn well that I've always been into her, and I think she always knew I'd go chasing her if things went sour with Liv. We lasted about a year, then we mutually broke up, agreeing we'd be better off as just close friends.

And last month (November 2015), I quit my job that I've been at since I was 17. They screwed me out of multiple paychecks and the last one was the final straw for me. I stopped talking to my best friend Nate about a year and a half ago and we haven't spoken since. And my aunt was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer last April, right around my birthday, which doesn't help. She's only 46 years old and still fighting it, and to be honest, it scares the living piss out of me seeing what the chemo and radiation poisoning has done to her. No one truly knows how much of a terrible and crippling thing cancer is until you know someone with it. I'm terrified for her and praying she'll be ok. My personality has also changed, which is what I think pushed everyone away. I've always been a naturally dry and sarcastic kid, but it's gotten worse. To the point where people have actually straight up told me to shut up because I sound like a snide, bitter dickhead. And I seem to be physically incapable of opening up to anyone. I keep it all bottled up until I just snap.

I've also lost a ton of weight. People swear my eye color has changed too, from blue to a cold, harsh gray, symbolic of my personality lately. In short, my life is in complete turmoil as I type this. To be honest, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm applying to different schools hoping to go into engineering next fall, what I've always kinda wanted to do. Anyway, let me fill you in on the background of this story. As I've said, my personality has darkened considerably. I've been in multiple fights with my parents, over money, grades, shit like that. The last one was so bad that my dad threw me out of the house and I was living in my car for 2 weeks. So my mom signed me up to see a psychologist, hoping to help me out. I didn't tell anyone that I was seeing a therapist.

But somehow Liv found out and we got into an enormous fight over it, even though we weren't dating anymore. We both still had feelings for each other and eventually wound up getting back together (which is how I end this story). I still don't know how she found out, but I'm assuming she heard from my mom. My name is Matt and I'm a 21-year-old American by the way. There's no sex and minimal romance in this story. I'm only writing this to get it off my chest, so I apologize for anyone looking to read something erotic. It's definitely therapeutic for sure. As I actually said at one of my therapy sessions, "There comes a point where you have to just say fuck empathy and do it for yourself." The therapist said I should try venting, so here it goes. The following story is 100% true and word for word, and happened in the mid-December 2015, about a year and a half after I dumped Liv, and about 3 months since Meghan and I broke up.

*****

I stepped out of the therapist's office, shaking my head. "What a load of shit," I muttered to myself. I honestly thought the entire idea of talking to a psychologist was a waste of time, not to mention exceedingly expensive, but I wasn't about to tell my mom that. The last thing I needed was another conflict. I got into my car and drove home, about 20 minutes away. I love my car, a silver 5 speed manual 2003 Saab 9-3. It's getting old and has well over 200,000 miles on it but it runs pretty much flawlessly. I plan on driving it into the ground. It's my first car and will always have a special place in my heart, given to me by my grandfather when I was 16.

Anyway back to the story. I turned onto my street and my house came into view. Liv's car was parked on the street. My parents weren't home; they were away for the weekend in the neighboring state (I can't say where I'm from for privacy reasons). "Oh, no," I said out loud. I hope she hasn't found out I've been seeing a therapist, I thought to myself. Shit. I shut the car off and got out, walking up the driveway. I'd been together with Liv for nearly 4 years before I broke it off, but there were still things I didn't want her to know, this being one of them. And sure enough...

"I understand there are things people don't need to know, Matt. I'd just prefer it if it wasn't something this major." Liv's voice greeted me as I walked in the door. There was a definite undertone of iciness in her voice. She came into view about 20 feet away, staring into my eyes with her arms folded across her chest. I can openly admit I still had major feelings for her at this point. She truly is a beautiful girl to look at, which didn't help.

I wasn't even gonna bother playing dumb. "I have a right to some privacy, Liv," I said as I closed the door and took off my jacket. I looked up at her. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Confronting you," she retorted. Her facial expression and tone had virtually unchanged. This wasn't the warm, fuzzy, outgoing Liv I had fallen for 5 years ago. This was a frostier, distant version. "Why didn't you tell me about this therapy thing?"

"We're not together anymore, Liv. Remember? I'm not obligated to tell my ex-girlfriend anything." I had somehow managed to keep my voice completely even and neutral in tone.

"When were you planning on telling me? Huh?" She was trying to keep her voice even but I could hear it quavering, meaning she was close to tears. Oh boy.

"I just told you. I wasn't," I said simply. I grabbed a chair and sat down.

She had started crying. "What the fuck happened to you? The old Matt, the one I fell in love with?"

I looked her dead in the eye and sighed, with absolutely no emotion on my face, and said quietly, "Shit happened to me, Liv. A lot of shit."

That was too much for her. "No. No. You didn't. Tell me you didn't. TELL ME YOU FUCKING DIDN'T!" she screamed the last part, sobbing hysterically. She stood there with her hands over her mouth and nose so only her eyes were visible, staring at me. She stood there for another minute like that, just crying quietly now. I didn't say anything, at a loss for words. I hated seeing her like this. She finally said between sobs, "How could you go behind my back about something like this? I deserve to know about these things! Do you understand what you've done to me? Why-?"

She had pushed me too far. I jumped up and literally kicked the chair over (remember what I said about internalizing absolutely every emotion until I just lose it? This is it), slammed my fists on the table, and yelled, "I DIDN'T FUCKING DO THIS FOR YOU! I DID IT FOR ME! OK? I KNEW YOU WOULD REACT LIKE THIS, AND TRY AND STOP ME. I THOUGHT YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND! YOU OF ALL GODDAMN PEOPLE, THE FUCKING LOVE OF MY LIFE! JESUS, GET A GRIP!"

I stormed away and downstairs to my room in the basement, slamming the door. I could hear Liv sobbing and screaming hysterically upstairs, a horrible, ugly cry if ever I had heard it, Jesus. I already felt like an ass for yelling at her. I went over to the mirror on my dresser and stared long and hard into it. My cold gray eyes stared back. I was starting to think people were right about those; they really had changed to a colder and less welcoming color. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep fucking doing this to people? I thought. Tears had started running down my face too now. I stood there for a minute trying to fight it but eventually caved in and started sobbing. I turned away from the mirror and walked over to my bed, lying down on it and crying openly. I sat there for god knows how long, trying to calm down. I grabbed my guitar and tried playing a few songs but it was useless.

I eventually decided to grow some fucking balls and go apologize to Liv. I walked upstairs slowly, trying to think of what to say while simultaneously prepping myself for another wave of fighting. I opened the basement door and stepped out into the hall. "Liv?" I said. No answer, but I could still hear her crying quietly. I walked down the hall into my living room and saw her sitting on the couch, still with Niagara Falls running down her face. She looked up at me and said, "What?"

A wave of regret and pity rolled over me seeing her like that. I just stood there awkwardly, my hands in my pockets, and started, "Liv...I...I'm sorry I snapped at you like that. I, I really don't know what to say, or what's wrong with me."

She stared at me coldly. "You could start by telling me why you never bothered fucking telling me you were seeing a therapist."

"I didn't want you to worry. I knew you would freak out. I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart. If I have one at all anymore."

She got up and walked over to me, throwing her arms around me and pulling me into a bone-crushing hug. We stood there like that for what felt like an eternity, swaying left and right gently. I was holding her so tightly I could feel her ribs cracking. I just whispered simply, "I'm sorry."

She looked up at me. Her pretty hazel eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed. "Don't ever do that to me again. You really hurt me, Matt. You've gotta start talking to me. We were together for three and a half fucking years. I'm the goddamn love of your life, you said it yourself. You know I'm here for you. If you can't talk to me who can you talk to?"

"I know. I really am sorry." I was trying not to cry again.

"I need to lie down," she said, wiping her eyes. She had finally stopped crying at least. I supposed that was something.

We went downstairs to my room. She lay down on my bed as I turned the lights off. I had completely lost track of the time and was surprised to learn it was 10 PM. I walked over to my bed and lay down too. Liv snuggled up to me, laying her head on my chest and wrapping her legs and arms around me. I threw the blankets over us and we just lay there in silence. I thought she had fallen asleep, until I felt a wet spot on my chest. I looked down and saw her crying silently again, her face buried in my shirt.

"What's wrong?" I said, sitting up slightly.

She shook her head. "Nothing. I'm just a mess right now, that's all."

I reached across her and turned my bedside lamp on, grabbing a box of tissues for her. I kissed her forehead and ran my fingers through her blondish-brown hair with one hand, my other hand rubbing her back. "It's alright, love. Cry if you need to. I'm not going anywhere."

She eventually stopped a few minutes later. She reached across me to put the tissues on my bedside table and kissed me on the lips. The first time in the year and a half since I dumped her. God, how I had missed kissing her. She pulled away about 3 seconds later and whispered, "Don't ever keep shit like that from me. I love you so much, you know that. I wanna help you." She lay her head down on my chest again and sighed.

I tightened my grip around her and shifted my body a little, trying to get comfortable. "I love you too, baby. I'm sorry. Really, I am. I have a hard time talking about my feelings to anyone. Even you." Wow, I thought to myself. She really does care about me.

We lay there in silence, just enjoying the physical sensation of cuddling tightly, until I asked, "Livvy? Baby? You awake?

She opened her eyes and looked at me. "Yeah. Why?"

"I've gotta open up to you. Right now. Ok? It's been eating me alive." This was the part I was dreading. But there was no way around it.

Her head shot up. "Go on. I'm listening."

"Please don't interrupt. Ok? I'm not gonna be able to start again if I stop."

"I promise. Go."

I was already choked up and trying not to cry. My eyes focused on the ceiling, and not looking anywhere near her, I started, "Liv...I...I've been an asshole to you lately. And I'm sorry. I treated you like shit, and you still came here to see me. Every day without you to talk to, hug, kiss, all that shit, has been awful. I was stupid. For dumping you, taking you for granted. And goddamn it, you're the love of my life and I can't live without you." I finally looked down at her with tears in my eyes. "I've wanted you back every day since. I love you so much, Liv. You were my world. And still are. I'm not asking you to come back to me. I just want you to understand." I finished and lay back, closing my eyes.

I felt her sit up, reach over and turn the lamp on, and pull herself up to eye level with me. My eyes were still closed, but I could sense her leaning in. She stopped millimeters away from me, hesitating. Then I felt her lips being pressed to mine, and she held them there for about 5 seconds before pulling away. I opened my eyes and looked into hers. She simply said, "Thank you," before laying her head on my chest and closing her eyes.

I didn't say anything in response, just pulled her in closer and closed my eyes. I must've fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is sunlight coming through my window. Liv was still asleep with her head on my upper chest, snoring gently. I carefully rolled her off me and stood up.

I was walking to my bedroom door to open it and go upstairs when I heard my bed creak. I turned around to see Liv getting up and coming over to me. She crossed the room and threw her arms around me and buried her face in my chest, all without saying a word. I was surprised, but touched.

I held her for a minute in silence, until she looked up at me and said, "That was brave of you what you said to me last night, Matt. You have no idea what it meant to me. The truth is, I still care deeply for you. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I still love you more than just about anything on this planet. I swear."

I looked down at her with a smile, one of the first sincere ones I'd had in a long time. "I want you back, Liv. Seriously."

"Me too," she said, staring into my eyes. There was a pause, then she leaned in and violently kissed me. I kissed back, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her in. I finally broke the kiss and said, "God, I've missed you."

She smiled and whispered, "It's mutual, love."

*

And that was that. I was officially back together with Liv and felt a lot better over the following days. I'd missed having her around more than I realized. I needed someone to confide in during these tough times, and now I have her. I'm still not 100% back to normal, and still seeing a therapist, but I'm well on my way. Again, I'm sorry for not posting a sex story, but I needed an outlet for my thoughts, and this is it. Flunking out of school, my aunt fighting cancer, money issues, everything. If it gets horrible ratings, fuck it. At least it's off my chest now. I'm working on another story about the time I spent New Year's Eve with Meghan (while we were dating) which is coming soon, and is going to be much more erotic, not to mention 100% true Thanks for reading.